[FINALS] 1. Cereal_Killer vs 2. Kuja

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jul 3, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


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    test
  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
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    Wow what a crazy match up..

    The battle of the beasts..

    Good luck bud..
    test
  3. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Fancy meeting you here lol :)

    Good luck too bud, should be great .
    test
  4. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    Bird Cage
    ..
    As travelling seeds grace our turf, we allocate free space
    From delicate sweet tastes off our a la carte dreamscape
    We pass life’s scars like a drum march our heart beats make
    And charge with faith towards a future of sharp keep sakes
    From the ashes, a phoenix will rise with clipped wings
    Only if you've been caged do you realize, why a finch sings

    ..
    Unwanted at birth, burnt as the worlds unneeded
    Cursed it felt as I knelt down on the dirt defeated
    I prayed for meaning or a life worth breathing
    Hurt and weeping
    My knees bled yet I kept pleading
    The streets feasted on a girl young at heart
    As the heroin spoon sung like a strummed guitar
    I was the art hung on a methadone clinics wall
    I was a broken metronome in a practice hall
    I was damaged, falling asleep in opium dens
    Homeless n bent, left unnoticed hoping for death
    My debt for drugs outreached my financial grasp
    So I fondle the final short straw of a painful past
    My virginity I'd sell with my certain cynicism
    As I vision my inner prison of pure recidivism
    When it happens
    I’m reached by a deep candle scent
    Past the rats, the trash and to the mattress I rest
    I’m led to a convent, hollowed out from the pain
    Knowing today is today and tomorrow brings change
    Once a causality to the mean streets of brutality
    My sisterhood is the release from my bleak reality
    I believe that to dream meant you were free
    Whilst we mother the sick and cater their needs
    For a short time I was the light that inspired the bright
    The slight fire inside that supplied desire to life
    I watched the hatchlings grow with no concern
    As I let them all go in the hope they would return
    They never did; They left the nest for a new world
    As depression manifested in this unglued girl
    A fresh morn has dawned whilst I stir their broth
    With draining fluid under God’s eye of the lost
    The forgotten purity that I now neuter with wings
    Has gathered in unity between their innocent lips
    I supply them with the means to live, no regrets
    As the streets are bleak once you leave the nest
    So I feed my babies hope for love in tinged sips
    Reaching the belief of a true mothers instinct
    ..
    From our bible verses I have emerged out certain
    That I’m imperfect like a churning halo on a virgin
    Still I will worship my kids thirst for what is urgent
    LOVE
    I feed theses birds to feel like a better person

    ..

    [​IMG]
    test
  5. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    404
    Detective Peters


    He had to keep awake, Detective Peters slapped his face..
    Old files stacked the place, he needed to crack this case
    His desk riddled with coffee stains, too many late nights
    Staring at photographs for reasons, trying to dictate why
    Lighting another ciggerette, this case seemed hopeless
    Only link he had noticed was all the victims were homeless
    The next morning had broken, Peters was face down at his desk
    Another night wasted, he looked down at his pillow of mess
    His superior wasnt impressed, soon he found himself suspended
    So Peters took advantage of the opportunity this presented
    He dressed down in torn jeans, displaying his raw knees
    & trusted a friend with his home, handing him his door keys
    A few days had passed by, Peters sat, head in his hands
    Boredom had set in, the lack of progress had ruined his plans
    A man came over, old & frail masked in an alcoholic stench
    & looked at Peters with eyes of wisdom, joining him on the bench
    'Hey there young sir, people like us make the world bleed
    We consume things, here, you can help me with this bird feed'
    He gave Peters a handful of seeds & bits to feed the birds
    Then threw his first, sharing the bag as they both took turns
    Not much was said but he learned, of a man known as Crow
    Who handed bags of seeds out for the local resisdents to throw
    Peters thought what the hell, he needed to pass the time
    So far there was no sign of crime, no sign of the mastermind
    He managed to find Crow, a small man with a hooked nose
    Who indeed gave Peters the bag with seeds that was enclosed
    Over the coming days, this became routine, feeling the breeze
    Sat amougst the trees, listening to the singing as the birds feed
    Meetings with Crow increased, together they became friends
    Peters even showed him his sleep bench, over by the cheap fence
    That following night, all was quiet, Peters laid there shivering
    With the full moon glistening, he laid there listening
    His heart started pounding, was that the sound of twigs snapping
    He bolted up, but was hit hard, before he saw what was happening
    The world went blank, muffled screams rose all around him
    His ribcage beating as his heart inside carried on pounding
    Peters mind was running around like a figure of eight
    As every rational thought he had, started to silther away
    Then the stench hit him, the smell of decay, rotting flesh
    In a basement of some sort, maggot ridden, a hellish creche
    He turned to his left, laid dying was the old man he had met
    'this is the end, my young friend' he muttered under his breath
    'We are the recipe, broken teeth & bits of bone mixed in with seeds
    It seems Crow knows deep down what birds truely like to eat'
    Peters was never seen again, what had happened no one was certain
    A postcard arrived...
    'Feeding the birds makes me feel like a better person'

    Signed John Peters .


    [​IMG]
    test
  6. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    4,146
    Yeh ofcourse it's ok..

    Have a beer for me :)
    test
  7. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Lol think I had enough for eveyone
    test
  8. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    CK – This was a very deep story. The vocabulary added a lot of meaning and I was happy it wasn’t too riddled with complex wording because I believe that would have taken away from the enjoyment the reader would have had. The rhymes were strong and the flow was on point. The strongest part of this, was the imagery. Lines like “With draining fluid under God’s eye of the lost” were delivered with precision while leaving a huge impact with me. I found the story itself to be not as captivating as I like but I did get the “message” of it. Deep piece of writing here CK, well done.


    Kuja – haha I really enjoyed this story. It moved along at a nice smooth pace and the imagery wasn’t off the charts, which I thought was good because this story didn’t need much based on how you delivered it. I had a slight problem with the wording in some areas, like the first line for example. “He had to keep awake, Detective Peters slapped his face..” This made it seem like Dt. Peters wasn’t the main character and Peters, the partner, slapped the main character’s face. Granted, reading further you could tell what you meant but I think that if you worded this opening line a little better, it would have taken the guesswork out of it. “Having to keep awake, Detective Peters slapped his own face..” or something like that. Still this was a great read and I loved this line, “Another night wasted, he looked down at his pillow of mess” the ‘pillow of mess’ painted a very good picture because how often do we see a detective fall asleep on his work papers, etc. Nicely done here and good work

    Overall a great matchup, Kuja’s story was solid and easy to follow where as CK’s story offered more depth and meaning. CK’s story was better written though. Kuja’s wording just needed to be shaped up a little. I have to give this matchup to CK in the end. Kuja, nicely done. This was a great read from you, Thanks to the both of you for giving me something to enjoy while sitting here and waiting for my son’s mother to finish her visitation. ☺

    V/ CK


    PS. what is up with your sigs? What is Duality? lol
    test
  9. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    one battle to judge means one fat ass vote. gonna try to treat this with the importance it deserves... by being nitpicky >=]

    CK:
    "As travelling seeds grace our turf, we allocate free space
    From delicate sweet tastes off our a la carte dreamscape"
    Immediately set the tone for me as to the caliber of this piece. Rhyming and wording was impeccable and you didn't let up as the piece progressed.

    I was reading though your piece smoothly and everything was fitting so well together, and then this line jarred me for a moment.
    "The forgotten purity that I now neuter with wings
    Has gathered in unity between their innocent lips"
    After reading along to your rhymes, the wings/lips ending kind of took me out of the flow a bit. It sounded alright when I read it through again, but initially it didn't sound that great.
    AND THEN, it happened again two rhymes or so later with
    "So I feed my babies hope for love in tinged sips
    Reaching the belief of a true mothers instinct"

    But overall, this was a very solid performance.. It had to be, if my only complaint is two off rhymes that weren't really bad anyways.
    The consistent rhyming throughout the lines and at the end of lines really helped move the story around at a good pace that made it easy to read. I could tell the word choice was very intentional, which it had to be in order to achieve the rhyming that you did.
    Your intro to the piece was by far the best portion of it, which is understandable since it only had to set the tone and wasn't too burdened by having to push the story forward.

    As for your take on the topic, setting the children up as the birds was a good move. Your references to finches, wings, etc. throughout the piece helped your take on the topic stick. It wasn't something completely mind blowing, but it was good.

    Kuja:
    I've noticed you using more rhymes in your verses in the tourney than I'm used to seeing from you (unless my memory sucks, which could be the case)... Gettin' serious now, are we?

    The story read smoothly, though at a slower pace than CK's, which isn't a bad thing at all.. it helped the words marinate a bit. Like alot of your pieces, there wasn't a single line I would really point out as one that was amazing, but the lines all came together to form a cohesive and very well told story. In the same way, the piece didn't immediately grip my attention, but drew me in slowly as it progressed, eventually completely immersing me.

    The way you tied the detectives last case to his death was clever, and the way the story progressed kept me from thinking about the case as I kept reading, so it caught me a bit off guard when the ending came around. With that said, the ending was creepy in a good way, but the way you chose to incorporate the image wasn't as impressive. It almost.. felt a little bit lazy to just throw that postcard bit in the end..

    Both pieces were great and I enjoyed reading them, but in my mind, this one definitely goes to CK..

    Vote- CK
    test
  10. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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    25,850
    I'll try and vote on this. Good to see this side still active, and with talent.
    test
  11. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
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    1,177
    .. i've been holding off on voting a while, this one's hard to touch. keeping it short.

    CK- brilliant. all in all, absolutely brilliant. i feed the birds"" often..
    your opening stanza deserves a double take, story was even a bit inspiring.
    but the last few bars could have been more visibly linked to the meat of the body.
    donate this to a couple organizations that offer counseling.. could help some people.
    very well done.

    Kuja- i can't help but smile. it follows a chain of events in more detail then your opponents piece. very dark.. i bit, hook line and sinker. can't be too biased because i related with ck's a bit more, but that's a decent goal for any writer to attain. especially considering the appeal of the mechanics alone. catchy rhymes and solid story telling came from both here, so it's a compliment to say your plot here was a bit more involved.

    /v - Kuja - tbh, i was more wrapped up in kuja's writing all the way through. when finished reading, I'd say CK's hit slightly harder. but the message's strength was not as precisely woven together to the finish. (better than I will probably ever write, still..) ck- i wanted a little bit more at the end. not sure what just.. needed closure.
    .. message taken from each, can't pick a winner.. null.. so, kuja, your finely polished work gets my nod after reading each a miinimum of five times. hard decision, good season. thankyou both.
    test
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