Dream In Disguise

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by UGene, Nov 18, 2004.

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  1. UGene

    UGene New Member

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    replied to:
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=824600
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=824601

    im at a loss of words, like my tongue is hollow.
    hanging onto every breath to see the truth that follows.
    nobody seems to comprehend, so my thoughts are at a fork in the road.
    now they are disturbing the peace like they were provoking the old.
    just hoping to show, that im trying to help the world that surrounds me.
    give my service back to the community that would be no different without me.
    collecting trash off the road side because to me it's all symbolic.
    making the world cleaner is like baptising a sinner until he's honest.
    one more good soul is one step closer to the world we can only imagine.
    leaving the bad parts alone is only temporary peace like a lonely assasin.
    only way to succeed in holy matramony is to dispose of all evil.
    that is only done with faith and religion; belief in God by all people.
    our dreams are insufficient, merely mirages of what we think should be.
    completley opinionated, our thoughts do not come across so innocently.
    dreams of others can be dangerous to stumble upon, like past giants in history.
    everything had an effect on something, and its all had its reasons.
    but we cant deny fate, or we would still be regreting adam and eve's treason.
    what we love now we usually come to learn to hate.
    like fellow germans that cheered at the dream of a super race.
    i garuntee they all asked for forgiveness while on their knees at heavens gates.
    looking in the eyes of the Lord, barely able to make him out through the tears in their eyes.
    and then they finally realize, that God has always been a dream come true, in disguise.
    test
  2. Selph X Playned

    Selph X Playned Too Raw 4 TV

    Joined:
    May 7, 2002
    Messages:
    13,138
    I read a lot of poems, rarely do I speak on or reply to one. I liked this for the vocabulary you used to rhyme with. What I don't like is that you use "like a..." so many times. This is not a rap, this is a poem. Once in a poem, fine. Twice, pushing it. Make more sense when you use them. "temporary peace like a lonely assasin", what's that mean? An assasin will kill either way it goes. So that's a failed simile.

    Don't let me discourage you, this was a real good peice. I did like it. Take my advice or not, I had to comment though.
    test
  3. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2004
    Messages:
    11,770
    two replyrule isn't in effect any more, but still reply..lol


    This piece was pretty ill actually

    im at a loss of words, like my tongue is hollow.
    hanging onto every breath to see the truth that follows."

    that line had me hooked for the whole piece, great wordplay

    stick around

    God Bless
    test
  4. akqrate

    akqrate Ear-candy

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2001
    Messages:
    401
    savin this for further reading... this is damn so near perfect.
    test
  5. ManMadeofAshes

    ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2004
    Messages:
    635
    this is nice. very thought provoking. I am going to get at it tomorrow when I have the time to point out my favorite lines and the thoughts they induced. until then I will just say HOTTTT

    (welcome to the realm)

    ashes
    test
  6. UGene

    UGene New Member

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    Jul 15, 2004
    Messages:
    14
    i appreciate it. and Selph X, i appreciate all the critiques.
    test
  7. lpoet

    lpoet POET

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    Messages:
    12,678
    God has always been a dream come true, in disguise.

    ...refreshing...

    very refreshing

    thanks for checking a few poems before u posted this..most dont take the time to do that

    upin for ya
    test
  8. UGene

    UGene New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2004
    Messages:
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    no problem .. i like to read other peoples poems and compare it to my style of writing .. thanks for the feed
    test
  9. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    17,331
    A nice outlook on life you gave to the reader. Had a lot of great lines I wanted to point out, but i'll hold on that. You should try to work on your structure a little more also. Welcome to the realm.

    one luv
    test
  10. UGene

    UGene New Member

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    Jul 15, 2004
    Messages:
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    i appreciate it man. im still waiting on the people that said they would get back at it later. ;)
    test
  11. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,986
    Woooooord up!


    LMAO@ peeps reading it then replying "get back later"....lol....yeah right thats very rare if they ever do

    Anyway my thoughts on this:

    first off welcome to the realm first time checking you out and you raising eye brows with this piece fo sho....lot of powerful lines...ill metaphors....some room for improvement but overall I was inpressed....this is one of my fav poems of the week...congrats


    Score Card

    Imagery – 9/10 your imagery kicks off with the first line....loss of words as if your tongue was hollow?!?!?!?!....man oh man....great opener...imagery was flowing all thoughout this piece...and the unexpected shift in religion was interesting...challenging...thought provoking....building up to the climax

    Metaphors – 8/10...Nice metaphor in this...that last line...

    "and then they finally realize, that God has always been a dream come true, in disguise"

    man I dont think that line has fully hit me yet but when it does I'll still be blown away....I like how you started strong and ended strong...thats good....need some work on your word play and sturcture though because your body was weak.

    Personification – 1/10....boooo could of done something here man....considering your topic and where you was taking this I was hoping to catch something....but your focus became you and how you fit in the scheme of things....I dont know about this one line though:

    "give my service back to the community that would be no different without me."

    I dont agree with that....you can make a different small or large....just look what kinda impact you've had already

    Rhyme – 5/10...Rhymes were a lil on the weak side....work on your flow and sturcture...broken stanzas...experiment with word play....try some things....try to catch the reader off guard every now and then with a mind blowing rhyme

    Originality – 7/10...Not to original...but your title and final statement was strong enough...your touch gave this a unique twist....I give ya props....and rep level

    Stay Up

    PEACE AND GODBLESS

    PS: you can peep more then 2 people
    test
  12. quotive

    quotive 3

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    13,751
    word @ UFO

    Uppin' for ya homes..
    test
  13. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2003
    Messages:
    4,076
    only way to succeed in holy matramony is to dispose of all evil.
    that is only done with faith and religion; belief in God by all people.
    our dreams are insufficient, merely mirages of what we think should be.
    completley opinionated, our thoughts do not come across so innocently.
    dreams of others can be dangerous to stumble upon, like past giants in history.
    everything had an effect on something, and its all had its reasons.
    but we cant deny fate, or we would still be regreting adam and eve's treason.
    what we love now we usually come to learn to hate.



    this was beautiful but very truthful as well...
    it was definitely inspiring man,
    what more can i say except i hope to see you back droppin more poems....
    test
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