[DF:WK2] 8. _millz_ vs. 9. -Atreyu- (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by TheReturn, Jul 13, 2008.

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  1. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Aug 24, 2006


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  2. _millz_

    _millz_ New Member

    Jan 12, 2007

    will edit in votes.
  3. _millz_

    _millz_ New Member

    Jan 12, 2007

    The Masks We Wear

    Prestigious accolades will blast away a light source
    to acclimate Prince Charming, high upon the White Horse.
    His life force is quite coarse but hidden through a trite port,
    and even out of tune, he resonates the right chords.
    The night hoards reality, challeging those debacles
    that knock home and topple those moral codes in fossil.
    A new age apostle whose helmet is well developed,
    coated in Jack or Jim, frescoed through psychedelics.
    His life will be embellished by those who seldom find it,
    but seems to be designed in pastel prosed horizons.
    Anger grows inside him until hatred's broke the silence
    to escape that lonely island on a boat to the home of violence,
    and those that hold defiant, are choked and fold inside when
    thier hopes are floating by them to the cloak of a lonely tyrant.
    Come behold the giant who hides in the cloning masses
    that drive the slowing traffic carrying thier phony passes.
    Thier mouths are foaming acid releasing the potent gases
    to make him paint his passion on her face, the swollen canvas.
    Reality is hopeless, tragic in a realm were told that God runs.
    I guess they call it odd love, but welcome to our problems.

    I wish society would let us solve some...

  4. Atreyu

    Atreyu New Member

    Jun 29, 2003
    12-21-2012 Page 1
    In the Beginning,
    I landed on this ball in the spirit
    My wings expanded,
    and granted life to dirt in the clearance
    enough experience,
    My fathers father fathered the furthest
    Creation recipes handed down to me in earnest
    A day to me,Will be 20,000 unto thy offspring
    My cough brings,the breath of life as the offering


    Trees! Luxurious bundles of jungle'll bubble
    forth in huddles,the basis for oxygen to cuddle
    my gravity will attract, courses of Pan-spermia
    for my cornea, to open water cornucopias
    in the scope of the,
    primordial cluster rising
    DNA structure bondings
    form green slime things
    that'll metamorph to complex sorts
    and then of course,
    question an original source...



    *3019-A small civilization of human emerges after the destruction of their predecessors in 2012 are destroyed-an explorer of antiquity discovers the most important document of their millenium*

    My descent into the cave?it was short lived
    I saw a white box with a brown scroll on its lid
    it certainly was a device, our ancestors used
    given to them by God-a communication tool
    only 2 others have been discovered o'er the land
    the knowledge and laws,transmitted through man
    his hands,by God,shes made the catalyst where i dwell
    to discover her true name............................ is RSTL
  5. MC Guttso

    MC Guttso Fingers in Pies

    Jun 22, 2006
    millz: Fucking hell, for quite a short verse, your flow was strict, consistent and really good. My favourite lines were the last three: "Reality is hopeless..." through to...ah you know what lines I mean. lol. I couldn't really connect with the verse that much, but the mechanics of the story made up for that.

    Artreyu: Yeah it was pretty interesting content, well thought out, and you gave it originality. Probably the only person to use that picture, maybe due to all the sheep, lol. Was a good way to describe how inspiring and quality RSTL can be. That's what I got from it, dunno if that was the message you wanted to create. Favourite lines were "Trees! Luxurious bubbles......for oxygen to cuddle"

    v - millz - I just enjoyed the particular mechanics of his verse more.
  6. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Oct 16, 2007
    millz, crafted with your usual poetic flair and natural sense of flow, i thought this piece was much better than that eulogy-piece you did a while ago (the latest i've read from you), it's nice to see someone speak volumes in such short line length.. while this was not the most original labor of creativity i've ever seen, it was short, sweet and on point with the message it delivered.. atreyu, your flow kind of just dies off a little here and there because it's quite hard to find the natural rhythm of this piece (for a number of reasons including your structure), as far as the topic goes, well i can't say i understood what in the blue blazes you were talking about and how it related to this league, safe to say it was probably for the best because i don't like pieces about such topics.. to be honest this piece left me scratching my head (i mean i got the whole genesis theme in the first section and the post-apocalypse theme in the second section, but how the fuck they connected with the RSTL escapes me)

    vote: _millz_
  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    Millz - I would like to see you develop this more...I see that a lot from some of you guys that come over from other sites...these short well worked verses, however they're never really expanded upon and they're always very vague in what you're actually saying...beyond the rhyming...there's really nothing of substance there. It was cool to read as a good piece of rhyming, but yeah...step it up in weeks to come.

    atreyu - this was a cool idea and I would have liked to see you have developed the idea more...i.e. the actual destruction of mankind, or more on this traveler, more on the league...I unno...it was just a very vague delivery on something that definitely had potential to do so ufh more with.

    vote = millz, better mechanics.
  8. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    millz - I enjoyed the read of this .. the flow was near faultless and it was a breeze to read on that scale .. however .. although some of the lines were nice in content, the overall content left me underwhelmed .. great writing but upon reflection it was lacking any real bite as far as what it was all about .. lacked depth and real substance .. but still .. a very enjoyable read and buttery smooth with that flow .. nice work .. just a shame the content didn't match the mechanics ..

    Atreyu - this suffered the same thing as millz as far as the content goes .. it just lacked any real meat on the bones .. but the mechanics here were not as good .. the flow was choppy to me .. the structure was workable as was the content .. however I feel you didn't puch either aspect enough to elevate the verse a great deal ..

    Vote = _millz_ .. definitely scores high on the mechanics part of the vote .. the content was a sore point but it wasn't much to split the vote since Atreyu's content was lacking too .. so the better written piece gets my vote ..
  9. Atreyu

    Atreyu New Member

    Jun 29, 2003
    Ive defeated myself.

    Too creative,ill dumb down next time.

    Basically the explorer found the printed out version of my rstl verse on a printer,which never got picked up because earth ended on the day it got printed out.

    I shouldve developed more,but i thought it wouldnt go over your heads with the suttle clues i left.good warmup battle though.
  10. Scatterboxx

    Scatterboxx AKA danny saturn AKA infinite truth

    Jul 4, 2008
    prolly. shit was nice as fuck.
    i flowed that over like 3 or 4 different beats & it matched all of nice as fuck. linguistics were intelligent, with precise vocab & smart rhymes. very talented writing. the poetic approach to the topic was brilliant. coulda expanded more as it draw me in just had my mouth open at the mechanics. the wording was clever- sometimes somewhat discrete in their meaning, which i definitely respect. whatever. short verse or not, shit was dope as fuck.

    uh. okay. i can see where you were going with this. but the flow started out strong. there wasn't any sign of forced vocab. form green slime things? mmkay aesop. cool concept. i like & highly respect the abstract approach, but going into it, you should know what you're doing. & it's apparent you had no idea. you're a good writer, & have a very creative mind. but dumb it down a bit & don't get so silly with your word choices. original, smart [yet somewhat seemingly ignorant due to poor wording], & conceptually brilliant. but it wasn't pulled off appropriately at all. however, i'm stoked to see wtf you write in the weeks to come. you're obviously very, very talented.

    good battle.


    v- millz. more intelligent,
    off the hook mechanics,
    & true emotion brought out through his stylistically original & very, very clever take on the pic.
  11. Strike2

    Strike2 Man Meets Creator

    Mar 11, 2001
    I never read anything from either of you but as far as quality writing goes this was one of the best this week to me

    I gotta agree basicly with everyone else the verse was flawlessly and more importantl very intelligently written with smart and good metaphors. but thats also its fall down... this verse looks more like an advert for what you can do with words then you actually saying something...

    After millz verse and mostly what it left me with I was pretty sure you were gonna win if you had any type of story cause the way you told it worked really well... but...at the end I felt Ive gotten slightly more out of your piece but when comparing the the way you wrote to millz he jus overtook you by too much in this one
    still I liked the verse and altho a lil undervelopped it wasnt bad by any means

    anyways vote millz
  12. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Aug 24, 2006
    millz - The flow in this was nasty as fuck. It never slipped up once when I was reading it, and the inners and multis were strung together brilliantly. The content lacked a little for me, and I didn't really relate to it that well, but liked the little touches thrown in such as the white horse line, and the coated in Jack and Jim line. Pretty cool take on the masks topic and definitely an enjoyable read, just because of the mechanics.

    Atreyu - First piece I've seen you write, the whole end of the world idea was cool and coming back to find pieces of the past (our present) is definitely something I enjoy thinking about from time to time. I felt like there wasn't enough elaboration on the content though, same as with millz's verse. I would have liked to have seen more discoveries of our time as opposed to just a sheet of paper on a printer, or at least tell us how it changed the culture in the future or something.

    I would have liked to see more from both writers content-wise, so for the sake of mechanics I'm giving my vote to millz.

    VOTE = _millz_
  13. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

    Jul 26, 2005
    good first impression. very solid writing and great flow. it felt so effortlessly. reminded me of a q verse but smarter or a vern verse but shorter. thats basically the only problem i had. should have been a few lines longer so u could have made a stronger story. a lil more insight 2 develop the content. overall 8/10

    same with u. first impression was definitely good. i could relate to u more cuz of the creativity tip. dont feel bad if u go over ppls head. its all about execution here. u get lil points 4 the concept these days. i was feeling ur verse. vocab out the ass and the structure was a lil different in itself. ur verse felt incomplete though as if u rushed the ending. i would also recommend a few more bars to get this verse a better rating. great idea just not enough execution. ill definitely will be checking u out though. i like ur style. overall 7.5/10

    v millz

    good show guys
  14. Mic-illaH

    Mic-illaH aka paisano

    Nov 7, 2001
    Millz - don't want to repeat everything everybody else is saying but the flow was on point, with some nice multi's and internal rhyming - you can see what your doing in that aspect. I somewhat agreewith the others that it lacked the content or the connection to the reader, but maybe i'm just stupid - (its possbile lol). Overall though, very nice to read a verse with such a flow and good mechanics good drop.

    Atreyu - I thought you could have went more into this - but really enjoyed the idea and topic you were trying to put across. But overall, I agree with most that you could have developed the topic a little more - sometimes its not necessary to just give little hints throughtout the verse - sometimes you have to make it point blank to the reader. Unique way of writing you had, but it was enjoyable.

    V/ Millz
  15. prophetional

    prophetional hokey muh-fuckin' pokey

    Jan 24, 2002
    vote = millz

    atreyu, your verse was ok, had alright word play and good concept behind it but it didn't feel complete...
    it was the second verse i read tonight that when i was done, i just said to myself, "that's it?"
    i think you coulda came better and ended stronger

    millz, this was probably my favorite short verse so far of the night... the rhymes we strong, the words were definaetly not amateur, the concept was deep, and in a short duration you completed what you set out to write... nothin' missing. good shit sun, keep shinin'
  16. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Oct 10, 2001

    ok now i may seem contradictive if you read my last vote on a previous match where i kind of complained on the shorter vote not having enough length for me to like it, but i must say this was short and definatly sweet, i enjoyed the mechanics the feel of the verse felt ginuine and i could just tell this dude is a good writer and well i just liked it botttom line, props to ya


    i remember you, how you been...this was creative i like the whole idea behind it...corrrect me if im wrong, but in your story the future is finding this particular verse that i just read...kind of confusing, but i guess that's what you're saying...anyway nice verse flow was good, felt more poetic than anything, but i was digging it


    tough to call cause i like them both, but i just felt millz's verse was great and ifor that i have to vote for him....dont get me wrong atreyu i loved your verse, but i jsut liked millz better, props to both, my fav battle of the week
  17. _KDP_

    _KDP_ Active Member

    Jun 30, 2008
    wow - very nice short compact battle. atreyu - man u gotta give the readers more. i was hella impressed reading the beginning of your piece and then it was over. i know you always want to leave the reader's wanting more, but dam kid. anyways, good subject matter, just felt underdeveloped to me.

    millz i am a fan of your use of multi's without question. the mechanics to your piece were tight, but i actually thought the focus on that took away from each line having a impact. i found myself as a reader getting lost in the rhymes instead of the content. when that happens i'm three lines in and having to re-read to get the point of the section.

    tough call. vote - atreyu
  18. tbone

    tbone Well-Known Member

    Feb 17, 2000
    Millz-Ya shyt was tough dog, nothing but positive over here. I hope you can come as stronger next week. I had to really speed through ya shyt though, being though i'm late in voting. So big ups on the positive vibe i got from it.

    Atreyu-ya shyt was par not so so, but par, it had a few lines i liked. BUt I aint trying to send you down the rabbit hole, i'm just attempting to get my votes in right now. So with the advice of others, i hope you take it and do well next week.

  19. Saga

    Saga All Eyes On Me

    Jan 2, 2000
    Atrau - I liked the concept.. I thought it was a little more creative than millz, but at the same time it was a little less impactful, like it seemed like it could have been written longer to make the impact of your verse stronger. nice drop though

    millz - I liked the flow the most of your verse. It did have a good theme to it and I think this week you pulled off a better overal verse than your opponent, making my decision on who won this match, go to you.. nice drop man cool stuff
  20. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Oct 20, 1999
    millz - dope verse, at first glance and seeing how short it was, i was expecting to read some wack trash with no effect.... but your flow was the first thing i picked up on and your diction reenforced it really well, a solid drop, and tho i think it was guttsy to drop a verse this short first, it seems to have played off fairly well for you, just watch out tho, some other people in teh league would of overkilled this and dropped 64 lines, lol...... assholes

    atreyu - this was another short verse, and i think the thing that really hurt your chances were you didnt get a chance to elaborate and really branch out your story, air that shit out, really dig in and put your writers voice out there. your flow isnt that bad and your visual cues are nice but this verse could of been alot more, next time outline your verse and really take it to your topic cause you seem to have alot of potential.

    vote - millz, for more elaborate verse
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