[DF:WK2] 6. Saga vs. 12. T.a.C (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by TheReturn, Jul 13, 2008.

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  1. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    [​IMG]

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    Down To Business.
    This Match-Up is between:

    In Rank Order

    Saga
    Active Worth: 004pts

    Vs.
    T.a.C
    Active Worth: 000pts


    Good Luck Ladies.
    Prove Your Worth
    test
  2. Saga

    Saga All Eyes On Me

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2000
    Messages:
    2,757
    test
  3. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    im in, good luck to you too bro
    test
  4. Saga

    Saga All Eyes On Me

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2000
    Messages:
    2,757

    "Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
    And can't tell where to find them.
    Leave them alone, And they'll come home,
    Wagging their tails behind them"

    .
    .
    .
    story of the wolf
    .
    little riding hood’s wolf isn’t antagonist
    I’ve never read a children’s story - that was honest.
    It was only her pet - often lying lonely in bed
    Curled up next to her - an the pillow holding her head
    missing little riding hood's sister...
    But the storybooks never wanted to paint that good picture
    The one where green leaves breezed from
    mellow winds, blowing bee wings an bugs
    Out there in the trees and shrubs, of
    Grandma’s tiny forest cabin filled with peace and love.

    Instead, truth turned to gossip.. an gossip blamed those teeth
    Of riding hoods tame wolf, but fault lied on deranged bo peep

    She hated the forest life,
    wanted to raise sheep on a farm
    So found one on the forest side -
    where a rooster would be her alarm.
    she missed her wolf, it was her pet of faith because
    she knew inside it would never break her trust
    but bo peep's job was the sheep now, she remained consistent
    working with them was full time work - without an assistant
    soon the sheep were trained like troops, to obey all rules
    until the day they ran away - they strayed for food...
    bo peep looked out the window - to See her gardens
    her grass had died in the Heat,
    she couldn’t Keep the Sheep from starving...
    AND she didn’t blame herself! for the reasons they left
    she felt betrayed for her work - each heartbeat in her chest.

    (using binoculars)
    she found the sheep at her neighbors - across the creek
    in the green meadows where they found lots to eat
    bo peep screamed for them to come, they glanced back - obnoxiously
    was the intent to starve her sheep part of her scheme - subconsciously?
    these ungrateful sheep were killing her time
    she was unwilling to find blame in her mind
    but the sheep were just surviving the feeling of dying...
    sometimes that stuff is hard to unwind...
    but love the wolf showed bo peep is hard to find

    tree branches scraped her clothes as she ran past noise of toads
    on the road towards grandmothers house where plants with poison grow
    she hadn’t seen her family in years, when she arrived at the door
    red riding hood answered - never seeing her sister like that before
    what’s wrong bo peep? "I lost my sheep - never a disaster meaner -
    then leaving behind your teacher to eat where the grass is greener!
    they disobeyed and betrayed me - all of my efforts been lost
    and they will pay, just as sure as sunshine in a sweater is hot!"
    Bo peep devised a plan, brought the wolf back to the farm
    with sole intentions of bringing these worthless sheep harm
    She grew her gardens green, grass blades were thick an firm
    As far as revenge goes - she would get her turn
    [​IMG]
    The neighbors land ran dry - that week
    the sheep came back to eat
    And when they crossed that creek to meadows green
    They seen large fangs and teeth on the pet of peep
    Drooling from the mouth, the wolf lunged for kills
    Tearing each sheep apart, eating some for meals
    Children’s books hate the wolf… but he was never to blame
    just little bo peep and her clever games
    an this aint even the craziest story.. over there on that hill
    well...maybe another week i'll tell u about Jack an Jill
    or bo peeps plot to destroy the pigs.. yes, that was real
    test
  5. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    The Masks We Wear


    everyones got these masks we wear/
    cuz we wanna seem confident but were actually scared/
    we dont people to know what the truth is/
    cuz people in this world can be so ruthless/
    an throw jabs until your metaphorically toothless/
    an break you down until you feel fuckin useless/

    i have this friend, she was great/
    but all she does is hate/
    cuz back when she was in grade 8/
    she was a victim of date rape/
    her boyfriend took her to the new years day parade/
    an he paid so he figured he was gonna get laid today/
    she said no, thats when he started howlin/
    an riped all the buttons off her outfit/
    she was afraid to tell anyone about it/
    the wounds healed so i court he was ruled free to go prowlin/
    an now shes got a new guy whos great to her but she doubts him/
    he tries to get close but she'll push away/
    she wants him to go bu the wants to stay/
    he just wants to be the one to rip the mask away/

    i knew this guy he was always fighting/
    cuz he liked guys and some guy liked him/
    when he came outta the closet he was hit with abuse/
    he was dubbed at school as the kid with issues/
    he would sit in his room cuz he had no one to hang out with/
    he was so full of anger but he had no outlet/
    by 17, he was kicked out forced to leave home/
    his dad thought he was fucked up just cuz he was emo/
    no friends no home he took the lil cash he had/
    an bought himself this lil trashy pad/
    so he would have a place to crash/
    he became an addict, he was mainically depressed/
    drugs had him pannicking less/
    but he was frantically stressed/
    one day he O.D'd but no one was there when he was laid to rest/

    now theres been times i tried to hide shit/
    cuz i didnt want no one to know in my click/
    but from that ive grown up an learned/
    every once in a while you gotta get burned/
    i know its lame but back in the day like 7th grade/
    i had an online girlfriend cuz i had no game/
    an thought id have no shame when my crew found out/
    thought it would be cool but i became frowned about/
    and yeah i wear this mask cuz im insecure/
    but being more open with people is the cure/
    so lets break down these walls an all come together/
    cuz for now on im me and im not fakin never/
    i aint hiding whats inside again ever/
    so atlast if you dont like it kiss my ass/
    cuz im threw wearing this peice of shit mask/

    everyones got these masks we wear/
    cuz we wnana seem confident but were actually scared/
    we dont want people to knwo what the truth is/
    cuz people in this world are so fuckin ruthless/
    and throw jabs until your metaphorically toothless/
    an break your ass down until you feel like your useless/
    its stupid that he or she cares/
    about this stupid mask we wear/
    test
  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    Saga - the way this was written was something I both liked and disliked .. as it read like a story book which was kinda cool .. but it also lacked in any form of flow or solid structure .. I could see myself reading this to my son and him quite enjoying it .. but there's no way on earth this would fit a beat of any kind .. I haven't read the other 'sheep' verses yet so I'm sure how intuitive the Bo Peep idea is .. it made for a decent read and there's little to fault the content .. the Red Riding Hood and Wolf references were straight .. and the ending also tied in well with the whole nursery rhyme/story book concept .. mechanics were lacking though ..

    T.a.C - ok .. I'll start by saying this is the best piece I've read from you so far .. I definitely see some progression here .. you still suffer from not proof reading your verses though as there were quite a few typos and grammar issues .. you've obviously tried to step the mechanics up although it wasn't by leaps and bounds here .. the toothless/ruthless/truth is multi is just one of those 'played' vocab uses but atleast you're getting at some 2 syllable rhymes instead of plain 1 syllable vocab .. the content was straight for what it was .. a decent message lay within the stanzas and it showed some thought on your behalf .. however it wasn't really anything not said before in these kind of pieces ..

    Vote = Saga .. and this is closer than I imagined it would be .. TaC is improving slowly but surely and his piece wasn't a chore to read as previous work has been .. the content was decent but Saga's content was more entertaining .. TaC didn't have a great flow but I do feel it was more workable to a beat/flow than Saga's piece was .. but overall I think Saga's story book feel to both the content and the delivery worked well enough to take this one ..
    test
  7. MC Guttso

    MC Guttso Fingers in Pies

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2006
    Messages:
    480
    Saga: I thought turning your verse into a warped nursery ryhme was an interesting idea, the concept gave you some scope for originality. However, that's what I thought it lacked. It didn't majorly keep me entertained personally. The way you structured your verse was good and I enjoyed the line: "Instead truth turned to gossip" through to "deranged bo beep" as a kind of introduction to the story. I thought the flow was ok, but a bit shaky in places.

    T.a.C - Kapow! Major 100% improvement in my opinion. There was deep story content in there which seemed more developed than usual, had some good multi's and the flow and rhyming was pretty smooth I thought. The only thing that nagged at me was a few spelling mistakes and incorrect wording here and there. But it engaged my attention, and I personally preferred the message of your verse. Your verse reminded me of something I wrote in the open mic a while ago. There were quite a few characters thrown in, but I thought you managed to describe their situations as to why they wear masks and the barriers people put up due to their experiences. Good shit!

    v - T.a.C coz I think he's made a major leap, and I enjoyed the story.
    test
  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Saga - I forget who did it, I want to say Vern, they wrote this concept about the big bad wolf not being an actual villain...to me this concept felt like a bitten version of that but written on a much poorer level. The incorporation of the sheep coming back and the wolf mauling them down...at the end was also a predictable turn of events and a fail in my eyes. This piece really did nothing to keep my interest and nearly put me to sleep.

    T.a.C. - I appreciate the fact that this was a major improvement from you...please do away with the / at the end of each line...shit is annoying and not needed...start writing your verses in ms word or something to get rid of all those irritating typos...and seriously...proof read your shit...sometimes you just missed words and screwed things up that could have been decent...I didn't like the "metaphorically" toothless bit...it could have been delivered much better...also I feel all 3 mini-stories were completely underdeveloped and not tied in well.

    I thought this was a really bad battle and I don't really want to pick a winner.

    I'm going to vote for Saga though for providing a verse that wasn't as sloppy and was at least proofread.
    test
  9. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    absurd story versus "that real shit" up in this mafacka... saga's piece felt contrived and forced, in the twisted fairy tale style of that newt port's series they have on that, uhm, "other" site.. the mechanics were decent and the flow made for a somethwat fluid development, but personally i'm kind of allergic to corny stories like these (to the point that i'd rather write a cliché piece to that sheep pic rather than string together some goofy story.. but enough about me) - i feel this piece wasn't really written to that pic, rather the pic was inserted to fit this little segment which makes for a pretty bad topic adaption IMO.. TaC wrote a pretty dreary and general to the point of generic take on people bottleing up emotions/hiding their true selves etc., the whole idea behind the piece was ok, but you didn't execute it with flair or a particularly high level of wording, just a basic ass aabb flow that almost put me to sleep how predictable it was..

    vote: T.a.C

    saga's piece was just frivolous while tac at least had some expression of self in his piece, but eh it's basically a coin toss between two mediocre writtens
    test
  10. Bonnie Bathory

    Bonnie Bathory New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 1999
    Messages:
    13,374
    Saga - What really shined to me in this piece was your good use of descriptive words and multis. Your story was unique, but probably could've been executed a little more strongly had you taken more time to write it rather than posting quickly for the extra point. It was enjoyable for what it was and a nice unexpected read though not one that I'm able to personally relate to, still a good story none the less. Your mechanics did not seem to suffer in any memorable places, and again, I liked your choice of words for this, providing a good amount of imagery like a children's story should. The ending about jack and jill and the pigs and such could've been done better or done away with all together as they seemed a little stretched for the sake of wrapping things up

    T.a.C - There were no true areas I found where you exceptionally shined this week, your mechanics were fine as far as flow, but understandably so when your choice of words was so simplistic. You could've added more descriptive words and multis to your piece to provide a stronger sense of painting the picture... I feel you sort of easily breezed through the concept of each verse without putting a whole lot of effort into making it exceptional... which I would almost expect from you as you posted 2nd, and Saga clearly displayed an ability for advanced imagery.

    I'm going to give my vote to > Saga... though neither story suffered an awkward plot or poor mechanics, his piece was filled with a more advanced approach to writing and rhyming which made his story a more appealing read to me... which I appreciated over the story I was more able to relate to... not something that happens often. T.a.C. may want to work on his creativity a bit in his choice of words and storyline concepts as his was under par for this week... given the topic, he did an average job for a person of his post count, I would expect a piece like his from someone newer to writing, if a vet had posted it, I would express more disappointment... he did alright, but I didn't feel an attempt from him to match the creativity, and stronger mechanics his opponent used
    test
  11. Scatterboxx

    Scatterboxx a.k.a. infinite truth.

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2008
    Messages:
    475
    saga.
    okay. nowhere near as consistent as your piece last week. i was caught up in horribly it seemed to flow. i couldn't catch on by any means. the rhyming was okay. there was sooome nice vocab, but not as nice as your usual shit. so overall, i was disappointed in your mechanics. that take on the topic... coulda been cool. but the piece, due to its awkwardly written style, bored me. it showed a lot of originality conjuring up that topic. you have the ability to execute it well, & yet you didn't this week. not gonna lie, fairly disappointed. but glad you showed nonetheless & props for the topic you rocked.

    tac.
    holy shit @ the improvement. huge step up. big props, son. rhymes were okay. at least you ventured out & tried your hand at "more" complex multis & shit. flow was horrendous. poetically it was written sloppily & was just overall poor. your imagery & vocab weren't as nice as saga's. but saga's wasn't consistent in the slightest, so that didn't really affect this battle much. overall the mechanics were slightly more than saga's, tho neither were by any means that good. the big thing is the vastly huge amount more interest i had in your verse than i had in saga's. the topical/story combo kinda stylistically twines like my piece this week. i liked how you did that big time. a much more entertaining piece, & there was some actual emotion, tho nothing great. not a great piece, but much better. & just enough to be saga.

    v-tac.
    test
  12. _KDP_

    _KDP_ Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2008
    Messages:
    1,004
    hmmm. a little of this and a little of that. saga's verse was the better crafted of the two. i guess what people call mechanics were alot stronger than TAC's were. Internal rhyme scheme wasn't the best out there, but the pace of the action flowed much better. On the other hand, TAC's content was better. It's like the poll, mechanics or content... gave a better picture to work with as reading Saga's i'm like... this cat's writing about sheep.

    vote=TAC
    test
  13. T.a.C

    T.a.C Guest

    test
  14. Strike2

    Strike2 Man Meets Creator

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2001
    Messages:
    15,984
    lol wow tough one to decide on...

    Saga yer flow read really smoothe and I like yer format altho what luc said is true it probably wouldnt work well with a beat... still... to me the story was pretty funny and I liked the way how you made it all come together overall pretty good verse and ejoyable..


    Tac Well after readin 4 or 5 lines in I was already castig saga the vote in my mind but I read on jus to be fair...
    And Im glad I did... yer mechanics were always sub par flow sometimes even forced but the content was real and you told it well... and even tho throughout the whole verse the way you wrote (grammer structure spelling) kinda irritated me...the message is still stickin with me

    so to make a long story short.. saga is easily a better writer at this moment but writing is about what you say more then how you say it in the end and TACs message jus stuck with me vote TAC
    test
  15. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    how many times do you need to be told about how poor your voting is before you think "there must be something behind all this heat I catch from my votes"? .. it's not about your opinion .. but in how you express it .. and your vote in GL? vs Scatt was pityful son .. just about over 1 line of feedback ..

    I'ma go check all the rest and get back here with an edit of which votes do not count .. fix them up before 11:59pm tonight or lose out ..

    so .. do not count =
    1.http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics...wk2-1-got-life-vs-3-scatterboxx-vote-now.html
    ^ gave neither 2 lines ..
    2.http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics...-df-wk2-13-metasin-vs-15-rocket-vote-now.html
    ^ well done on breaking 2 with rocket .. how about meta? ..
    3.http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics...71-df-wk2-11-strike2-vs-14-rico-vote-now.html
    ^ are you fucking serious? ..
    4.http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics...-illah-vs-11-_kdp_-vote-now.html#post15922467
    ^ you gave Mic-illaH the absolute bare minimum to qualify .. left KDP short ..
    5.http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics...f-wk2-2-thereturn-vs-1-3-planes-vote-now.html
    ^ a fullhouse .. lmfao .. shit son ..
    test
  16. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Joined:
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    8,233
    saga - i find the style that you adopted for this piece to be rather bizarre. in that i spent most of the time trying to keep up with the 'schemes' that you were using. over all i didnt think that this was a terrible verse. it definitely could have been worse. i mildly enjoyed the story line but the bizarre style stopped me from overly getting into it.

    tac - slowly improving which is always good to see in any writer. this wasnt as hideous as last weeks. the writing is still generally at quite a low level but the improvement is quite obvious and i can see your writing getting better and better as the weeks progress. over all it wasnt a bad piece and can see the positives in it. but all the basic errors really detracted for me im afraid.

    vote - saga
    test
  17. prophetional

    prophetional hokey muh-fuckin' pokey

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,685
    honestly i wasn't really feeling either of these... at least they were against each other though so someones gonna get a win....

    saga, the story was clever... however, the it was written pretty simple i thought, some rhymes were forced, and there was some definate inconsistancies in the rhyme schemes...
    great idea on flipping the nursery rhyme idea around, but it seemed like you didn't put in the time get the idea written down solid.

    T.A.C., the content of your story was definately deep and true.... however your verse suffered similar issues in my opinion... some forced rhymes and inconsistancy...
    it was also a bit simplistic i thought. for what you were doing with it i think you definately could've put more into it...

    my vote, T.A.C.... evenly matched, but today i'll take content over clever.
    test
  18. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
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    god damn at rewriting this cause of lame ass RM servers erasing my reply................
    test
  19. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Threads close in 7 minutes, better post what links you got, homey.
    test
  20. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
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    saga- a decent verse, flow wasnt perfect and the mechanics of your verse haltered that a little bit, for the way you flipped the pic, you should of been able to have a field day with the nursery rhyme feel and feel like this verse could of been alot better and your ending to me was kinda blah.... not to say i didnt enjoy the read, it was pleasant but didnt do for me what the other people who wrote to this pic did


    tac- your starting to come along but its obvious you still have a little ways to go, your flow was choppy and your rhyme scheme was very bland and simple to me, for some reason everyone liked to write to the sheep and to the mask we wear topics, your verse didnt do much for me but i see alot of potential, mostly in your format and structure, work around those rhymes and everything in between, let that be the filler for your stories

    vote - saga

    and this was posted and erased thanks to RM servers
    test
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