[DF:WK2] 5. DeadKing vs. 4. Bonnie Bathory (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by TheReturn, Jul 13, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893

    [​IMG]

    Welcome to your match-up thread. Click Here For Rules & Regulations

    Quick Over-View:
    12-64 lines to a topic provided in the [TOPICS] thread of the sticky area.
    Do not post more than 3 times within your own match-up thread.
    ^No more than once in anyone elses either!^
    Stay fresh, no recycling.

    Opt-In to the "Alternate" scheme before posting a verse.
    This will increase your chances of obtaining feedback and votes via another opponent.
    Just check in and state you wish to alternate, should you suffer a no-show.

    Down To Business.
    This Match-Up is between:

    In Rank Order

    Bonnie Bathory
    Active Worth: 006pts

    Vs.
    DeadKing
    Active Worth: 004pts


    Good Luck Ladies.
    Prove Your Worth
    test
  2. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    well....


    hello....


    come here often?


    forgot to put this: ALTERNATE
    test
  3. Bonnie Bathory

    Bonnie Bathory New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 1999
    Messages:
    13,374
    test
  4. Bonnie Bathory

    Bonnie Bathory New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 1999
    Messages:
    13,374
    [​IMG]

    There won’t be repentance, he won’t apologize for misguidance
    By his parental alliance, it’s not his fault they’re tyrants
    There won’t be love shown, his heart only grows for defiance
    Blame society’s giants for crushing his hopes like its science
    And he can’t forgive nor forget all of their blatant disrespect
    Just to watch them get by better as he hangs on by his neck
    So he’ll go to hell, cuz hell, it’s all he’s ever known
    It’s not calm like heaven is but to him, calm was never home
    Raised with bombs and severed hopes, die or die inside
    Do or die, ride or die, dying’s like his only view of life
    And choosing right from wrong today is all in one’s perception
    It changes through elections and medicated self-reflections
    So he does only what his darkened heart desires
    With disregard to what is good, cuz good will just expire
    So to change this boy in hell to a peaceful man of God
    It’d take years of spilling blood from the cleanest Lambs of God
    He’d have to kill them all, bleed them out and eat ‘em whole
    To leave this hell he revels in that’s left him feeling cold
    He’s stepped on angels, he didn’t care, they’re just too tasteful
    Like a flower’s gonna make a mangled hand look graceful
    And there aren’t enough sheep to bleed to keep him peaceful
    They’d have to breed through centuries to ease his evil
    So this boy raised in hell will live, die and blaze in hell
    And there’s no one to be blamed, just maybe pain itself
    test
  5. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    [​IMG]


    dear diary,
    i'm not sure what jesus means in half the shit he says....
    but ALL his words, are a curse, unless decyphered in a text
    and broken down to be, a simple way to live
    we must take his word literally, and force it on our kids
    cause i'm a bible thumper, a right wing holy voice
    i will vote republican everytime i get the choice
    because they represent, all thats pure and great
    and regardless of how my life is, i will always hold my faith
    close and dear to heart, i'll even do my part
    and bomb abortion centers, I'M PRO-LIFE FROM THE START!
    and i didnt want to say it, but god's talking to me
    in the form of virgin mary inside my washing machine
    he tells me lots of things, like how he hates fags
    and how the j-ews killed his son, and i should get them back
    so i listen to his words, i take them as they are
    and so far i've killed an unspecified number of j-ews with my car
    but thats between us, just this diary and i
    and i'd give my life for jesus, no really, i would die
    but he has a bigger plan, i know this is true
    and if you read your holy bible, you'll know just what to do
    cause he sends you out as sheep, sheep amidst the wolves
    and that means literally, you live the life, the life that a sheep would
    you stand outside in fields, you eat grass to live
    if god told you to do it, then.... YOU SHOULD DO THAT SHIT!
    and when wolves surround to kill you, you stand strong
    regardless if your whole family is killed and all your friends are gone
    trust me, its worth it, god is everything in life
    i'd stab my own children.... just to be with him tonight
    just to have him hold my hand, tell me that hes stricken
    with the fact he loves a mortal, and that he wants to kick it
    and we can fly around on some neon tie-dye light
    as angels play guitars and unicorns come in sight
    man, that'd be sick, that'd be super cool
    goodnight mr diary, no one understands me quite like you
    test
  6. Bonnie Bathory

    Bonnie Bathory New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 1999
    Messages:
    13,374
    lol love it... and thanks for not writing 1,000,000 lines to my short few.. GL 2 U =]
    test
  7. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    yeah no doubt, my votes will go here.............


    good luck as well, and for bonus.........

    Mathew 10:16
    "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves."

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107066-df-wk2-2-lucifa-vs-7-vern-acular-vote-now.html
    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107065-df-wk2-1-got-life-vs-3-scatterboxx-vote-now.html
    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107069-df-wk2-6-saga-vs-12-t-c-vote-now.html
    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107057-df-wk2-4-nom-de-plume-vs-3-pain-vote-now.html
    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107072-df-wk2-13-metasin-vs-15-rocket-vote-now.html

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107055-df-wk2-2-thereturn-vs-1-3-planes-vote-now.html
    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107059-df-wk2-7-mic-illah-vs-11-_kdp_-vote-now.html
    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107071-df-wk2-11-strike2-vs-14-rico-vote-now.html
    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107070-df-wk2-8-_millz_-vs-9-atreyu-vote-now.html
    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusics-storytelling-league/1107058-df-wk2-5-daalmightydolla-vs-6-mc-guttso-vote-now.html

    and fuck the RM servers
    test
  8. MC Guttso

    MC Guttso Fingers in Pies

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2006
    Messages:
    480
    Bonnie Bathory - Yeah it was ok. I tried, but I just couldn't connect with the content. I can see that it was about a boy rebellious over parent's and his experiences with them made him evil. That's what I got from it. However I didn't feel I could get much from it anyway, because I felt your verse was too short to create a well developed story or even topical. It was an easy read though. I really enjoyed your word choices and how they flowed and rhymed together smoothly.

    DeadKing - Another sheep pic!! Everyone's lovin this bonus point, but in some cases I think it's to their own detriment. Your idea was interesting. You may not have, but it felt like you took 3-planes idea and completely reversed it. I can see a small potential of somehow integrating your verses together into a collab. Rhythm and flow was smooth, again another easy read. Funny in parts too, virgin mary and washing machines haha! I connected with the verse more than Bonnie's this time so my vote goes to....

    DeadKing.
    test
  9. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    bonnie, the topic didn't make the verse standalone, this was what i feared when i first saw that there was a bonus topic like that; rather random and overall pretty forced tie ins with that picture.. the verse itself was decent, the flow never dipping below 'average' and even with a few high points that were smooth, the level of wording and imagery was about the same as the flow... decent verse, but not much more.. dk, i think the diary format of this was a bit slapdash - or rather haphazard, now it didn't hurt your piece i just can't figure out why you know.. i also think you could've unleashed a higher dose of humor in this, because i found myself smiling at some lines and wanted the level of crazy to be upped a notch.. mechanically not the most impressive i've seen, but in no way bad - do you write to a beat? i think that would help you as your syntax still comes off as a little too nursery-rhymish for my tast (i don't really know why lol), what with those little •••••s i still liked this verse and the read was enjoyable

    vote: DeadKing
    test
  10. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Bonnie - I read this and I knew you were going to lose back on monday...it's not that it was a bad verse, but it didn't have anything memorable or redeeming about it and I felt that because of that DK was going to have an easy week going in knowing what he had to beat...I seem to be repeating myself this morning, but this piece was detached from me as a reader...there was just something lacking.

    DK - this had me cracking up...I'm not sure whether that was your intention or not, but I'm going to go with a yes cause that makes my life make more sense atm. the bombing abortion centers line in particular had me cracking up. I think this definitely could have been written with better mechanics and stronger scheme/rhymes, but considering what you were up against...I think you did enough to win.

    vote = DK for personal enjoyment.
    test
  11. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    Bon - the writing and mechanics behind this piece was pretty decent fam .. better than last week at least .. however I think the content worked against it as I didn't really feel inspired or dragged in by the piece and what it was saying .. it was a straight read and I see what you wanted to do with the link to the sheep pic but I just feel you needed to expand the length to really achieve it .. not bad .. not great ..

    DK - I feedback almost mirrors that of Bonnie as I felt like this too was a straight read where there was little wrong with the mechanical side of the writing .. but the content just didn't reach out to me .. some of the lines were quite funny but the overall feel never really made it clear whether that was intentionally comedic as some lines felt more serious is tone ..

    Vote = DK .. I think the main deciding factor in my vote is the actual entertainment value of the content .. as DK offered just that bit more of a connection .. both were about even in pretty every aspect tbh ..
    test
  12. _KDP_

    _KDP_ Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2008
    Messages:
    1,004
    bonnie- you're rhyming was OUTSTANDING. The pace of the piece, the multi's and everything made this an extremely smooth read. I'm not sure I made the connection between the picture and the story. I see where you took the sense of theology from the picture but I don't know if you really developed that theme in your verse. Good read though.

    Deadking - that was a nice read for sure. I caught the theme of what you were writing right away and the rest of the verse developed it every step of the way. it wasn't a classic 'story' more like a 'wake up fuckers!' piece and that was different than what I've been reading, and appreciated. I feel the slant you took on the pic and nothing in your piece drew me away from that ideal.

    vote=deadking
    test
  13. Mic-illaH

    Mic-illaH aka paisano

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2001
    Messages:
    425
    Bonne - I just did not connect with your verse at all. Did not get the message you were trying to convey - read it a couple of times and just was left a little confused. rhymiung and structure of the verse was very good, but the topic in relation to your verse was just....absent.

    DeadKing - Well for a positive....I think you had the most creative ''idea'' for the sheep picture. However, I htink it could have been developed much better and conveyed much better to the reader. As far as mechanics, the flow was very choppy and some multi's at the end of each line would have helped that. rhyming was pretty simple. Also, i'm no big religion guy ...but you speak about killing •••s with your car because •••s killed Jesus - but wasn't Jesus •••ish himself?
    test
  14. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
    Bonnie - The flow and rhyming in this was top notch. The actual content and meaning behind though, not so much for me. It may just be that I couldn't relate to it personally, but I couldn't really get into it as a verse, but the mechanics were definitely there to carry this piece.

    DeadKing - This was a very predictable piece as well, but it had me rolling. I'm glad you didn't take the religious sheep idea topically because I would have stopped reading midsentence and voted Bonnie, but this was very relatable to me. I actually know people like this and it drives me crazy, so I enjoyed this piece, creativity aside. The mechanics weren't as good, but I felt like you said more in your verse.

    VOTE = DeadKing
    test
  15. prophetional

    prophetional hokey muh-fuckin' pokey

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2002
    Messages:
    1,685
    bonnie, good verse, solid throughout, no real flaws whatsoever... it was strong, deep, with some stand out lines i really liked.



    deadking, also a good verse indeed. i laughed throughout the whole read, imagery was tight, wording was good... nothing really stood out in my face though, other then the concept itself... clever indeed...

    either of these could have probably won against a few of the others i read today, but.... they were up against eachother so i gotta vote for the one that struck me most... and it really could go either way on any given day, but today i'm gonna go with a serious note rather then a comical one.

    vote = bonnie
    test
  16. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,365
    Bonnie - Your flow didn't start out too sharp, but as it progressed, it definitely got better. I love your wording, I just hate your mechanics. Also, I felt like this piece was too short for you to properly convey what you were trying to portray. You didn't really attack this piece very thoroughly. To be quite honest, the lack of mechanics and shortness left me kinda bored, and "hungry" if you will. I've read A LOT better from you I feel, and I know it was hard to flip that topic originally and creatively, but i feel like you could've done a much better job.

    DK - I thought this piece was pretty cool. The concept was flipped pretty cleverly, and that alone made it an enjoyable read. I wish you would improve your rhyme scheme though, I mean, your flow is great and makes your verses quick and easy reads, but adding a few more rhyming syllables would make it just that much better. Overall, I thought it was a cool verse for what it was, no overriding moral or theme or anything, just an entertaining little story.

    Vote - DK...
    test
  17. Saga

    Saga All Eyes On Me

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2000
    Messages:
    2,757
    Bonnie.. cool little piece you wrote. I didnt have any problems with the flow, but I also didnt really have any with deadkings.. I would have liked to read more of what you were getting at, but overal I thought it was a cool drop. The sheep pic was kinda tough pic so I appreaciate you writing to it.

    deadking- sup old timer .. I think this verse was meant to be taking a stab at the content of your verse. I did feel a bit more interested in your verse entertainment wise, and it also seemed a bit more complete. cool drop.. and props for using the bonus pic too it was challenging to write to it personally...

    vote deadking
    test
  18. Scatterboxx

    Scatterboxx a.k.a. infinite truth.

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2008
    Messages:
    475
    bonnie.
    okay. i actually liked this piece. it was decent. nothing better than decent. but i'm sure you're still in the "shaking off the rust" stages. so, it's forgivable. ha. there was nothing revolutionary about your verse. it had emotion. but it wasn't that strong. it had flow. but it fell off. it had a few multis. but not many. it had content. but wasn't gripping. get my drift? you covered all the necessary areas a good piece needs, but you didn't quite cover them well enough imo. the best word to describe your verse is "vague". the depth could have been explored further, perhaps featuring side stories, flashbacks, various sequences of times structured properly, etc. it was a solid drop, but it didn't have the emotion that piece in particular should have had.

    deadking.
    while not a great verse, emotion packed it to the brim. that dear diary thing's a bit played, & the ending could have been a little "••••ier". i dunno... twisted or redeeming or something. flow was a bit shaky for the most part, but i was looking past it, due to how into the piece i was. while usually i feel there's a necessity for original linguistics, had you had them in this piece, it would have congested it to all hell & made it feel unnatural. whether or not that was an intentional decision, it was the right one. i think 99% of people who ever read that can relate to at least one line very deeply, & i give you an incredible amount of props for that. up your mechanics & you'll have a superior audio.

    v- deadking.
    test
  19. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
    DeadKing wins 9-1.

    DeadKing
    Win (2 points)
    Sheep pic (1 point)
    10 valid links (2 points)

    5 points total for week 2 (8 points overall)

    Bonnie Bathory
    Loss (-1 point)
    Early bird (1 point)
    Sheep pic (1 point)
    4 valid links (0 points)

    1 points total for week 2 (5 points overall)
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)