[DF:WK2] 4. nom de plume. vs. 3. .:Pain:. (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by TheReturn, Jul 13, 2008.

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  1. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Aug 24, 2006


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    Down To Business.
    This Match-Up is between:

    In Rank Order

    Active Worth: 003pts

    nom de plume.
    Active Worth: 003pts

    Good Luck Ladies.
    Prove Your Worth
  2. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Mar 18, 2008
  3. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Dec 4, 2005
    You already know.

    ALTERNATE just in case he doesn't make it.

    The Masks We Wear


    I don't know how many times I've been here,
    But everytime I rewind it ends here, where I left fear
    behind to get near to life,
    But now I'm back, and I'm trapped in the dreary sight,
    I feel like I clearly might,
    Steal light from the eerie plight, assigned to the teary eyes,
    Back home, react slow, and breath more,
    Cuz the last road passed showed a direction to each whore,
    I remember the projects, with the best of knowledge,
    I remember disrepect, cuz I left to attend a college,
    N I expect, to get my dollas,
    N get the success all the heads here doubted,
    But I'm surrounded, by the bricks liftin' the township,
    That raised the kid from baby with an infinite scowl,
    I feel crowded, like I can't breath, my chest stuck,
    Cuz hatin' mother fuckers leave people messed up,
    Cuz I get up, but now I'm back at home,
    Cuz my cousin lived in slums and he got capped, he choked,
    Never went to any other funeral here,
    Cuz everyone dies at the hands of their brutal career,
    But Jake, was hit by stray, and there he lay
    till the day started spittin' it's rays, and there he stayed,
    Now his mother is a mess and she don't know what to do,
    A closed casket funeral, his dome couldn't be glued,
    But when you see those eyes just lookin' at you,
    You couldn't feel tall, if you stood on a stool...

    ...When I left the service, I heard heaven cursin',
    Thunderin' from above, stuck wonderin' what was up,
    My blunder of runnin' from life wasn't just right,
    It was just wrong in the minds of the thug life,
    I saw people I ain't seen in years,
    Askin' why I only came around for bleedin' peers,
    Why Jamal wasn't good enough, or Tookie and Jus,
    Then accused me, I used to be thug, but I moved from the slum,
    Losin' my brother was truly enough,
    To make me realize, real life swoons from the guns,
    Then Drew stepped forward, n he looked at me deep,
    Otherwise my motive truly couldn't be seen,
    "We don't care that you left, or you even forgot us,
    Or that youre leavin' without us, you need to keep up your progress,
    But you seem in dream, where you forget the past,
    You forgot all the cops who would arrest your ass,
    You forgot barely eatin' for two whole weeks,
    And my mom fed you, and you said you owed me,
    You forgot how we chilled with them two O.G.'s,
    Who taught how to kill and flip two whole ki's,
    You forgot skippin' school, we were criminal fools,
    Got locked up by fifteen for spinnin' them tools,
    And it's cool that your grown now, and makin' your way,
    I ain't mad at that, I ain't here to take what you made,
    I just wish you could see how you're lookin' at me,
    Like a scholar turned baller, blind, shook from the breeze,
    With your nose in the air, and your chin up high,
    Lookin' down at us like you didn't live this life..."

    ...Up on the old roof, I look down and reflect,
    I climbed, but got hot air surroundin' my head,
    How did I get so lost, and for-get?
    And give all my boys that awfully short end,
    N, Now I'm lost, n, now I'm gone, I'm,
    Just a problem, a project common-
    place, I feel like I have regret written on my face,
    More time to contemplate,
    I look down from the roof,
    And realize the best way to stay the most grounded and true...
  4. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Dec 4, 2005
  5. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Mar 18, 2008
    Prince charming left Cinderella high and dry
    He said that he detested her tired eyes
    She tried to fight back but her will wasn’t right then
    This isn’t the fairy tale that she died in
    She grew, strong and happy with a penchant for laughs
    Disliked the boys with their ten minute hearts
    While I was pedalling scars she walked the earth
    Leaving her imprint on this chalk and dirt
    I scored the words for her soundtrack mindlessly
    Keeping a record of all her tides and dreams
    Her mind was screams and drudgery mixed
    Her god spoke with a slovenly wit
    She asked for no favour from the ugly king
    She used post it notes to cover her wings
    She never could understand love as it sings
    Walking straight backed into the blood in the wind
    The summers a whim of the gods with broken sight
    She was hopeless with a token pride
    Hopes a night bird that hears the call of the wild
    She never did anything right but falling with style
    She revelled in a distorted denial
    Every time she moved her mouth
    It fell short of a smile
    Her life was a plausible white lie written under night skies
    I lost my footing walking her time line
    She hated the shy guys with no words of their own
    She played second fiddle while they were burning in Rome
    Locked in a determined slow dance, she despised life
    After one too many lonely nights, she was a bright light
    Guiding the ships onto rocks
    She drew prince charming losing the lot
    I’m assuming the rot gut made her lose her mind
    She wrote me letters full of abusive lines
    A beauty tried and trusted and dishevelled with time
    She said that I was her devil that cried
    But I’m bending the story to tell my truth
    I was only ever her friend in June
    She caught me in a pensive mood, cigarette loose hold
    In another universe lost in loop holes
    Looking down at our creation with a grin on my teeth
    There’s no reason why she was sinning for me
    She drank vodka vicious and neat
    Kept her eyes closed when she drew pictures for me
    We were gods in our universe high on drink
    Bred on lies and ink​

    "Ah! Do not judge the gods, young man, they have painful secrets."
  6. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Oct 10, 2001

    this had that maybe it's true sort of feel, but also enough to catergorize it as fiction, the character was there in a way but it lacked, the flowwas there in some parts in others it wasn't, i'm not a fan of the rhyme scheme you incorporate and some parts imo were just outright elementary, dont get me wrong it was an ok, verse but theres alot of areas you can work on, try to stick with a solid rhyme scheme through out, tweak the imagery, and everything will be great IMO, you can obviously tell a story so you got the basics, just work on making it more appealing, this was very difficult to read strictly because of your mechanics


    flow was a little better than pain's but there were some parts that the slant rhyme urked me and well some couplets just didn't rhyme...like this

    She grew, strong and happy with a penchant for laughs
    Disliked the boys with their ten minute hearts

    besides that, the verse itself to me i just didn't get into, at the end i was just unsatisfied, i've seen better from you, this must've been an off week where real life caught up and you just didn't have time to write to your potential, the verse wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either


    this is tough to be honest i didn't really like either verse, and saw many areas of improvement in both, but when it comes down to it, i have to vote and so, my vote goes to.............Nom....he just had a better overall verse IMO, but this can go either way
  7. MC Guttso

    MC Guttso Fingers in Pies

    Jun 22, 2006
    Pain: I thought the flow and ryhme scheme wasn't that good in the first paragraph but then it picked up. But maybe it was just me. I really liked how you pieced together the thoughts of Drew. And the guys conflict of his somewhat double life. And overall saying that the rhyme scheme was shit is a bit harsh becuase I thought the story, wording, imagery was well thought out and constructed in my opinion.

    non de plume - a fairly good story and I had quite a few favourite lines like: "She grew strong......ten minute hearts" and "...no favour......to cover her wings" and a few more actually. The stance of your story seemed really metaphorical and deep, making it more like a poetic piece, and in my opinion you gave the reader a choice to take whatever they wanted from it.

    v - Pain - enjoyed and connected with the imagery of the verse more.
  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    Pain - I wasn't really thrilled by the end of this piece as suicide doesn't really do it for me as a strong subject matter and it always feels like something is missing as it is an unsatisfying means to an end for me...in this piece I like the build up and I liked the imagery/emotion you built in developing this character and showing his mind state, but something within this piece just didn't sit well with me. I think it's a combination of how people react to your main character and the dialogue from Drew, plus the leap to his doom...from A to Z there's some snags in the get-up.

    Nomsy - I don't know what it was...but I couldn't stand this verse at all...while some of your wording tends to be poetic and for the better, I found this to be the exact opposite of that. She drank her vodka vicious and neat is a prime example of that for me. I also do not see the connection to the topic or really anything in this piece to seperate it from others you've written.

    vote = Pain for being less of a one trick pony.
  9. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Oct 16, 2007
    pain, i like the down-to-earth narration while still maintaining a good rhyme scheme and displaying a good vocabulary (being the vocab pawn that i am, i'm always peeping how pieces are worded), sometimes these type of pieces get embarrassingly "real" but i think you conveyed a pretty complex and layered atmosphere with a strong focus on emotions (many shades of gray).. the ending was only so-so and didn't feel worthy the build-up.. nom.. i thought this had alot of potential, it felt like a piece that could've exploded into some craziness with a bizarre climax but instead it dragged on and left me pretty unsatisfied (mostly because it hinted at aforementioned potential), a few examples of very quaint and interesting wording, your syntax and approach to writing is pretty unique in this setting, but the flow wasn't a 100% here, several lines felt stretched and/or poorly constructed as far as flow goes.

    vote: .:pain:.

    while nom would've snatched the win had his piece not been so straggling and chaotic, pain did his thing and delivered a well-crafted verse with few obvious flaws
  10. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    hmm .. bit of a let down this one ..

    Pain - took a dip here man .. you've been showing some good work over the last few weeks but this hasn't kept up that consistency .. although I wasn't literally "bored" reading the piece .. I was never engaged with it and felt the mechanics were slightly mundane .. the story wasn't very interesting for me and I didn't feel any kind of creativity come from the text .. a little bland in general and no redeeming features to highlight ..

    Nom - possibly the poorest verse you've put out for a long while .. I didn't really get in to this piece and didn't see the spark in your writing that is usually there .. even when you content isn't too strong you hold it down with a nice writing style .. this time however I feel both the content and the writing were lacklustre for you .. I had hoped that you'd have tried to take a win here but I think your inspiration this week was pretty non-existent .. :eek:(

    Vote = Pain .. as much as it pain's me (boom!) to say it .. Pain slightly out weighted Nom in this match-up .. both let me down considering verses of recent previous weeks .. but I feel Pain's verse felt a little more cohesive .. a bit bland but just a little more followable .. eh ..
  11. Strike2

    Strike2 Man Meets Creator

    Mar 11, 2001
    dificult verse to judge it had a lot of good elements but it jus didnt really work as well as it could have... first thing I noticed was that the rhyming was basic in the sense of word choice... rhymescheme however worked perfectly... I had on pain in my life instrumental and it fell in smoothly... the story line you picked tho was too simple to really score you any points, wich doesnt have to be a fatal if you give the story some real depth..but thats what I felt was most lackin

    Never really read anything of you that I know of but I kinda liked it, I gotta say tho at first I had some trouble gettin into yer verse... but when I got the swing and started to apreciated the flow to it I really got into it. And I see people bein negative about it but I gotta say I enjoyed reading it specially after seeing what it was about and how you flipped the topic only critique point I have as that the imagery n metaphors get too much and overdone at time... Im big on those cause they make words come to life but they work best when in doses imo

    either way vote nom
  12. Scatterboxx

    Scatterboxx AKA danny saturn AKA infinite truth

    Jul 4, 2008
    very solid battle,
    as expected.

    two veeeery different writing styles.

    i liked this verse. seemed you mechanically approached it somewhat differently than usual. maybe it's just me. regardless, i liked it a lot. your usage of half-rhymes that created multis was the farthest thing from forced. with proper annunciation, shit sounded dope as fuck for the most part, spruced up with personality & life. imagery was a bit lackluster. what was there was played for the most part due to cliche word usage. i would have liked to see some connectivity between the emotion of this piece - which was ridiculously prevalent - & the imagery of the piece - which was not at all. imagery really enhances emotion, if done correctly. you're a great writer, & i feel that's your most lackluster area. so, imo, shine that up & you're damn near golden. flow was on 99% of the time. rhyme scheme was well above average, though i've seen better from you. still, a great read. a verrrry nice flip on the topic - prolly my fave yet, seeing as everyone & their mother flipped it. overall, it's another solid drop from you. you've been consistent as fuck lately. stay up.

    okay. this was actually one of my favorite pieces from you in a loooong time. the immediate hook with your piece is always the poetics. your three strong areas: linguistics, imagery, & emotion. the linguistics of this piece were nice, cuz there was nothing really unnecessary. the word choices were hardly forced. the imagery was vivid as daylight. your flow's getting easier to read, & your rhyme scheme was nice, tho not as nice as pain's. thus, overall, your mechanics certainly were nice, perhaps not quite as smooth as pain's, but certainly more "progressive" in the sense it worked well & didn't hinder my reading of it at all. the emotion... that's what sold it. told through natural poetics, you brought the situation to life. there are only so many writers in this league who can do that. i've always known you're capable, but your off weeks are basically poetics & that's it. this week, i felt it was different.

    i honestly predicted pain to win this in my head, especially after reading his piece.

    but the "reality", told in uniquely poetic ways with gripping imagery & relatable emotions, within nom's verse sold me.

    this was really hard to choose tho.
    props to both writers.

  13. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Aug 24, 2006
    Pain - This is probably one of my favorite verses I've read from you, right up there with the artist Creator piece you did a few weeks back. The emotion was true to life, the rhyming and flow were on point for me, the story had me glued, and although it wasn't anything over the top creative and ended with the overused event of suicide, I never felt let down by this piece. In fact, I really enjoyed it.

    nom - Pretty much entirely opposite, this is one of my least favorite pieces from you brah. There wasn't any of that elegant wording that I expect from a nom piece, and the flow wasn't on like it usually is. Some of the rhyming was way off for me, but I'm assuming it because you're British and pronounce things differently. Storyline was kind of renewing in the end with the whole gods of the universe take, but not really captivating as I never really enjoyed the build up to it, so when I got to the ending it was like "meh, ok cool."

    VOTE = Pain
  14. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

    Jul 26, 2005
    i like the narration and the natural wording u used 4 this verse. ur vocab was more solid in the first stanza. flow wasnt really on point but it wasnt awful. im a sucker 4 emotion and u definitely had it. all those good points but i wasnt really entertained by the verse the first time through. 2nd time around helped a bit but i doubt its a verse i would care 2 read a third. overall 7.5/10

    not wat i expected from u. definitely different then ur prior work. i still enjoyed it basically 4 the fairy tale association. ur flow was better than pains. i do feel ur story could have been a lil longer. the story could have been a lil more polished. it felt more of a topical. maybe it was lol. overall i did enjoy ur verse. it went by smooth. overall 7.5/10

    tough vote

    ima go with nom just by personal preference of the content
  15. prophetional

    prophetional hokey muh-fuckin' pokey

    Jan 24, 2002
    vote = pain

    pain, verse was fire... not the best constructed verse i've read today, but definately the one i've fealt the most... shit was deep...
    shit was solid throughout, from imagry, word play, emotions, storyline... i liked it all throughout. defniately hit a nerve...

    nom de plum, not to take away from your verse at all, i just fealt it wasn't on the same caliber... it was good, but pain came hard and was just on another level with this one. a few of your rhymes read a little bit forced, not a bad verse at all, just not as good as your competitors...
  16. _KDP_

    _KDP_ Active Member

    Jun 30, 2008
    NDP - I could see where your head was at in some of the tricks of rhyming you were doing, but when reading it it seemed scattered. The fluctuation from couplets to three in some places made the read a little jagged to me. the angle that you used on the piece was pretty cool. Not really my cup of tea though.

    Pain - I liked this piece. Your subject matter was on point, the mechanics of it were nice. a couple parts were a lil wordy for me, but nothing that made it a boring read- which is really the thing I think to look out for. Overall an enjoyable read.

  17. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Oct 20, 1999
    pain - really feeling this verse, when i was reading over the verses yesterday this was the only verse that i felt i connected with on a personal level, i'm not from the streets but i have done time in the military to include 3 combat tours to iraq and i've lost some close friends, and the way it was ended, standed on the roof and looking down, i can mos def feel that after a long night of drinking during the dark times, dope drop, no complaints

    nom - this was a good verse, flowed nice, mechanics were decent but not perfected, i couldnt get into your story as much as pains, i understand what you were going for and its pretty self-explan, but i just personally wasnt feeling it, maybe its cause i was really feeling pains verse and yours didnt deliver as much after reading his, dont know, its not a bad verse at all, i just feel pains more

    vote - pain
  18. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Aug 24, 2006
    .:pain:. wins 8-4.

    Win (2 points)
    5 valid links (1 point)

    3 points total for week 2 (6 points overall)

    nom de plume.
    Loss (-1 point)
    5 valid links (1 point)

    0 points total for week 2 (3 points overall)
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