[DF:WK2] 2. Lucifa vs. 7. Vern Acular (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by TheReturn, Jul 13, 2008.

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  1. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Down To Business.
    This Match-Up is between:

    In Rank Order

    Lucifa
    Active Worth: 007pts

    Vs.
    Vern Acular
    Active Worth: 003pts


    Good Luck Ladies.
    Prove Your Worth
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  2. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    test
  3. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

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    Oct 10, 2001
    Messages:
    5,344
    test
  4. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    The Masks We Wear

    I could see in his expression
    ..the depression..
    as he spoke in condescension
    see, poppa was a rolling stone
    ..who now roams his home..
    pottering around in a lonely zone
    he wears a mask to conceal his anguish
    ..a mental bandage..
    sat in a room with a broken lamp switch
    he's my dad, so we keep connected
    ..but he's misdirected..
    left the path of pride he stepped with
    since momma died at the hands of a burglar
    ..body slumped by the pergola..
    still holding the blade of the murderer
    ..so now..
    if you knock on our door in this cul-de-sac
    ..you won't be calling back..
    if it's answered by my mourning dad
    who invites you in for a glass of port or gin
    ..attaches his porcelain skin..
    draws a switchblade and then forces it in
    leaving you on the floor all bleeding and shit
    ..til your breathing has quit..
    and if anybody asks..I'm pleading the fifth
    cos poppa hasn't anyone else but me
    ..and there's no way I'll see..
    my father locked up in penitentiary
    ..especially..
    as it's the anniversary of momma's death tomorrow
    ..still bereft with sorrow..
    since her departure left this nest so hollow
    which turned my father in to this animal
    ..murderous butchering cannibal..
    his whole demeanor became something mechanical
    but I see in his eyes, he thinks I'm perfect
    ..from behind the shining surface..
    of the mask he wears..that she had purchased
    and he'd call me his life support
    ..such a nice report..
    an understanding sprung from my rapport
    with him, the planter of the seed
    ..that grew up to be me..
    ..and they say..
    the apple never lands too far from the tree
    ..maybe just a phrase to you..
    ..but as of today it's true..
    ..see..
    ...
    ..
    .
    I was sitting in my room about 4'clock
    ..listening to gore rock..
    and didn't hear the door knock
    I just heard the cumbersome screaming
    ..come through the ceiling..
    which struck me with such a thunderous feeling
    so I rushed to the top of the stairs
    ..stopped and I stared..
    as I saw another victim lying there
    when suddenly a man burst through the door
    ..with such force..
    he knocked my dad to the floor
    stormed over and knifed my dad in the side
    ..I just sat and I cried..
    hiding as I saw him gouge out his eyes
    and when my father's body fell deceased
    ..he stepped out to tell police..
    and just so I could put myself at peace
    I ran down and picked up the mask and blade
    ..thought about the pact we'd made..
    and prepared myself to carry on his masquerade
    ...
    ..
    .
    [​IMG]
    test
  5. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    The Masks We Wear

    by Vern Acular


    Growing up was tough…
    The tale of a motherless child…
    Working towards perfection though I’d just succumb from denial
    My father antagonized me daily and every once and a while
    He’d hurt my feelings and pride by re-adjusting my smile
    See his standards were in Utopia, yet drunk from exile
    If it wasn’t his way I’d basically be punched in the mouth
    I felt burdened, a bit submissive, his corruption was foul
    The only time I wasn’t nervous was when he wasn’t around
    I was flustered in doubt...see i was known as his only kid
    But what do you do when an A minus would force him to blow his lid
    A swing and a miss and its over with...the outcome...me motionless
    Scared to death to make a mistake isn’t how im supposed to live
    But how do you focus with a father who’s violently tempered
    Quick to snatch a limb from a tree and outline me with splinters
    Someone who’d insult me for a job knowing im a beginner
    And if I messed up he’d basically deny me my dinner
    He wanted this and more, “you have to have the pride of a winner”
    He used to tell me that back when I was dying to enter
    The temple of defeat, decreasing to the mind of a sinner
    From 10 - 18 I woke up every night with the shivers
    Just in time for the winter…


    Present day…

    I look out my window and see the snow flakes cover the street
    With no shoes on I feel the cold floor under my feet
    Candle light tip toeing the walls it’s a wonderful treat
    Watching the shadows waltlz...being everyone is unique
    Every year on this day I seem to sit uncomfortable, see
    This was the day I told my father not to fuck with my dreams
    The same day we dis-owned each other it was funny to me
    Back then, but now the feeling doesn’t want to delete
    His exact words were “you’re nothing if you under achieve”
    And there’s the door son, I've giving you enough to succeed
    I followed with words of disgust “dad if you trusted in me”
    You would’ve let me breathe “you don’t give a fuck if I leave”
    Only leaving mud from my cleats, I walked away it was great
    But to this day I often ponder did I make a mistake
    Cause since then we haven’t talked a single day and I hate
    Having this guilt, that I may just have to take to my grave
    It keeps me staying awake, for one would it be right to call
    Or even show up on his door stoop, we may just fight or brawl
    Is the normal time it takes to apologize this long
    Why do I keep looking at the situation only as if I was wrong
    I cant help it but every year on this day I put my life on pause
    I miss my father even though he put me through suffice withdrawls
    So forget it im going over there, the problems might resolve
    If they don’t at least I’ll be able to say that I tried and all

    I find the balls, I put my boots on and hop in the whip
    I call my father, he answers, and I acknowledge it’s him
    His voice so stern yet so frail, we start talking a bit
    I tell him im on my way to have my confidence stripped
    He begins boasting about the past like it’s a modern event
    And we start yelling, basically not accomplishing shit
    All of a sudden I feel 12 again I go solemn and limp
    And after a skid on an ice patch my cars tossed up and flipped
    The thoughts are intense...
    I sense the crimson rain pour on my shirt
    And see the windhield stuck to my face so i'm sure that i'm hurt
    But even though i'm numb i manage to put my ford in reverse
    The tires spin i'm stuck...I open the door and disperse
    the moral converts...a flash back it answers a question
    i see my dad in the rearview and my panic it lessens
    and then it hits me...before i die god...I have a confession
    then look in the mirror to see that i became my dad in reflection
    test
  6. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    ahh an exposition of the father-son relationship, double up.. lucifa, i don't know man i usually enjoy your flow but here it seemed awfully choppy and full of hiccups, you got lost in a maze of uneven syllable count sometimes when you mess around with the structure like that, this piece was an example of a story that i could actually enjoy, because it had an emotional layer and development (twisted, perverted emotions) and the take on the topic(s) felt fresh, a very natural narration lended credibility to this piece.. vern, your verse was the opposite here, pretty tight mechanics but with wording issues such as tense-confusion and just some pretty awkward word choices.. i thought this dragged on for waaaaaaaay to long to deliver that message, lately i've been having ADHD when it comes to reading text verses.. the ending wasn't created on the basis of sound storytelling; like just throw a car crash in there that didn't really enhance or tie in with the build up OR conclusion of this piece.. wow this was almost a case of mc a vs mc b

    vote: Lucifa

    his piece was simply more enjoyable, even taking into account the mechanics issue his piece suffered from
    test
  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
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    13,681
    Lucy - when you first posted this piece I read it and I felt like the idea behind it was great, but the execution wasn't the best...I feel that only towards the latter half of the piece did it really pick up pace and start to develop into something more interesting...my familiarity with this genre makes me picky as fuck, but i'ma try and not hold that against you to much.


    Vern - what is it with father son pieces these past few weeks...if i read another sheep verse or father/son verse I'm going to just start kicking people in the back of the head...and did everyone use that fucking topic "masks me wear"...wow...lol...anyway...this was the only one of the father son pieces that didn't put me to sleep...originality wise it blew dick...car accident life flashing before eyes, father son fights because the son wasn't good enough...it's an age old tale...the flow and writing was rather smooth.

    vote = Vern.

    I just don't think Lucy did enough to build up his piece in order to delve into why the father went nuts to begin with, it was probably due to writing it from that particular point of view that took away from that key point of emotion and without that build up the piece seemed like it lacked to much to overcome.
    test
  8. MC Guttso

    MC Guttso Fingers in Pies

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2006
    Messages:
    480
    Lucifa - This was cool man. To me it had a funky twisted horror essence about it. Probably due to the fact you mentioned "poppa was a rolling stone" and due to the content of the story. Could have had more multis, but you made up for it with how your wording made it flow nice. Great bloody story. I don't feel I need to summarise it to you, because your the one who wrote the thing. Really enjoyable read.

    VernAcular - First read, impression = good/ok. It's about a father that's abusive to his kid. Get the violins out. But from your word choice the imagery and emotion was built up well, and so gave me a chance to empathise with the character. However the flow and structure to it wasn't as good as Lucifa's in my opinion. I felt the story dragged on a bit. Don't get me wrong it was good, especially the last two lines. They powerfully hit you, so the emotional content and imagery was covered and delved into excellently.

    v - Lucifa - a more interesting story, better flow.
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  9. Jimmy Eles

    Jimmy Eles UNREGISTERED USER...

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2008
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    424
    v- shit was nice...a lil of a longer drawn out flow..loved how your so descriptive though..maken me feel as if im there watchin the scene's unfold...
    With no shoes on I feel the cold floor under my feet
    Candle light tip toeing the walls it’s a wonderful treat <--one of the lines i liked..
    but it lost me hear and there...and i wasn't dyen to see wat happened.. liked how you wen from then to present day n all....though.....very imaginary...but overall i liked it

    L- flow was real fast.. was choppy wen i was readin it but when i was readin it aloud it came together for me.....i liked it really drew me in...fell in to the story....didn;t want to stop readin til i seen wat happend..real dark n shit but i liked it ...nice twists...good scenery...descriptive...overall i liked it 2 though....
    if you knock on our door in this cul-de-sac..you won't be calling back..if it's answered by my mourning dadwho invites you in for a glass of port or gin..attaches his porcelain skin..draws a switchblade and then forces it in leaving you on the floor all bleeding and shit.til your breathing has quit..
    and if anybody asks..I'm pleading the fifth <--one of my fav parts...

    it was close.....but ima have to say


    vote - lucifer
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  10. _millz_

    _millz_ New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2007
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    60
    lucifer....i feel that this piece was just a tad simple and boring...the idea on the structure made for some real promise, but the simplicity and unnaturalness of the rhymes really made it hard to keep focused...the concept was alright i guess, but it didnt really feel coherent...what i got from it was that the son didnt really like the father....and i dont ever remember you mentioning that they made a pact til the end...so it kinda seems like the ending wasnt appropriate for the story...

    vs....

    vern.........ok you started off sooooo slow and stretched but the last set finished off pretty well..this is kinda in the same boat as lucifers piece though...the ending just seemed as if it was tossed in for some sort of shock value, but it really didnt connect.

    overall i think the content and effort put into these are similar, but i feel that the writing of verns last set sticks out more than anything in lucifers verse...so he gets the slight edge.


    vote- vern
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  11. Scatterboxx

    Scatterboxx a.k.a. infinite truth.

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2008
    Messages:
    475
    lucy.
    good verse. certainly not as good as last week imo, but that shit was some of your best. i expected you to drop fire again this week, especially since you're up against one of the top 5 of all time names in rstl of all time. unfortunately, i was slightly disappointed. still, your verse was far from bland. in fact, just the opposite. the emotion was verrrry impactful, & remained consistently so throughout the entire piece. mechanics were a bit shaky. i was having trouble with the flow, as i usually do with your piece. certainly wasn't as on-point as vern's. had some okay multi's - some a bit played tho. worked for you nonetheless. the story was great. i was hooked from that emotional getgo. it grew more & more climactic, due to vivid imagery told in original ways & with some linguistically damn-near perfect wording imo. had your mechanics been thorough throughout this piece, it would have been great. due to them being lackluster, it was just "very good".

    vern.
    good piece as well. a solid drop. certainly stronger than last weeks, which i found cliche & somewhat ignorant. however, this time around, you threw in some nice touches. the multis were great... for the most part. at times, they were straight up filler. completely unnecessary & you, thus, could have enhanced the piece adding emotion there, or better yet, imagery - something i felt your piece lacked almost entirely [creatively, at least]. the flow, while slipped at numerous occasions, was far more consistent imo than lucy's. the story, however, was nowhere near as gripping. the story's concept is a bit played: boy grows up with a father he hates, then ends with him realizing he became him. it's a old story. solid verse nonetheless, as always.

    v- lucy, for the more gripping piece. those his mechanics weren't as "pretty" as verns, his emotions & imagery certainly were. & even then, it was probably the structure that threw me off for the most part, & that isn't a big deal to me at all.


    solid battle.
    nowhere near as dope as i hoped tho.
    test
  12. Strike2

    Strike2 Man Meets Creator

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2001
    Messages:
    15,984
    dificult one...

    luc the flow was really smoothe but without switch ups it got repetitive to me wich was as far as mechanics go yer only real hiccup... but it did hurt yer verse a lot for me...
    Still the story was pretty good and it kept me goin... you told it well...enough detaills not to little not to much.. wich is more dificult then one would think...

    Vern as far as the writing itself went I was feeling it from the start the way you tell a story has always been one of your strongpoints...Ive seen you done better as far as storyline goes tho..still thats not saying it wasnt good jus saying...

    all in all not much innit....
    but I have to go with vern mostly because of the content cause to me it seemed more realistic and more easy to get into, as luc story in the end came off like the plot to a B-flick
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  13. _KDP_

    _KDP_ Active Member

    Joined:
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    lucifa -

    i was digging the rhyme scheme most definitely and it was probably my fault as a reader but i couldnt keep a consistent pace with your piece the first read. i definitely caught on the 2nd read once i was familiar with the content. you did a real good job of describing the emotion of the situation not just the events and thats always what makes a piece readable.

    vern -

    what can i say, this was a very well written piece. the beginning two stanzas was on point, set up the ending nicely. the ending was craaaaazy good. rhyme scheme was top notch, and i gotta give your twist at the end some text applause. couldnt find anything to complain about.

    very close match, both submissions dealing with a father-son relationship but different takes. i think i'm gonna..

    vote-vern acular.
    i favored his subject matter-

    great matchup.
    test
  14. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Joined:
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    8,233
    luc - probably one of the better flowing reads of yours of recent times. as i've said time and again i always find it easy to get drawn into your stories because it always reads so effortlessly. a bit of a bizarre plot line but one that i felt you used to your benefit especially with the rapid fire style of writing that you use *cough* stole. to sum it up i thought that this was a very good piece.

    vern - not a bad verse at all. not one of your best but gave obvious indications of the level of talent that you have. mostly just effortless reading, i didnt find that the story was as interesting as lucs but still told the story that you were telling in a way that never made me bored and i found it to be over all very enjoyable.

    vote - luc
    test
  15. prophetional

    prophetional hokey muh-fuckin' pokey

    Joined:
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    vote = vern

    lucifa, good verse, all in all... a few of the rhyme transitions didn't sit well with me, but fun story, i could picture it well. i think your first half was definately better then the second, and like in boxing, without a knockout, you're gonna have to finish strong more times then not to get the decision, but eh, it's just my opinion...

    vern, solid throughout. great story, easy flow to follow with great schemes, vivid imagry, and the ending was classic...
    "cats and the cradles and the silver spoons..." type shit... a great story... no flaws at all really i don't think...
    test
  16. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 1999
    Messages:
    1,517
    i thought this when vern dropped, and after reading all thebattles, still do, dopest match...



    luc - very solid verse, written very well, flowed nicely, the mechanics of the whole set paced it well, i find it interesting now that when i read your verses i get really into them and care about what i'm reading and want to know how you end it, i use to not be a fan of your work but lately i'm starting to come around and appreciate your mass appeal to what you write, this story wasnt amazing but it did keep my interest pretty high and the ending was decent, nothing spectacular but a dope read


    vern - another dope ass verse, i'm glad to see you posted, apparently there was some issue where some people thought you werent going to show and you were going to be alternated or some shit, dont know about that, but this verse was just as solid as lucifa's, got me interested in it, flowed really well, mechanics were solid, and the ending was solid as well, i think that in every aspect, your verses are on the same level as far as skill written, but i do believe your ending left me more satisfied than luc's..........


    vote - vern
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  17. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Vern Acular wins 6-5

    Vern Acular
    Win (2 points)
    5 valid links (1 point)

    3 points total for week 2 (6 points overall)

    Lucifa
    Loss (-1 point)
    10 valid links (2 points)

    1 point total for week 2 (6 points overall)
    test
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