[DF:WK10] Red Contenders : nom de plume. vs Chin Kwon (Vote!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Lucifa, Sep 8, 2008.

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  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    [​IMG]


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    Down To Business.
    This Match-Up is between:

    In Rank Order

    nom de plume.
    Active Worth: 010pts

    Vs.
    Chin Kwon
    Active Worth: 006pts


    Good Luck Ladies.
    Prove Your Worth
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  2. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2008
    Messages:
    699
    Alternate




    Dark Image


    Chapter 1

    Man is a machine and in the whole universe there is but a single substance, matter, variously modified.
    ~Julien de la Mettrie


    There are only two lasting bequests we can can hope to give our children. One of these is roots; the other, wings.
    ~William Hodding Carter, Jr.



    From high above...

    He stares down upon the prime of creation
    an expansive divine gathering of time and space
    breeding ATOMS and EVE-olution; refining the planets
    behind the veil of high pretentious sights, his eyes would pace
    Highly engaged, in silence he gaze; This servant of GOD
    whose flimsiest thoughts could spark a new system of stars
    he whispered in soft as his mind wanders the vastness;
    One with all, he was left in charge of all that was fathom
    Safeguarding the fabric of existence. At the moment
    he was troubled by an event...that was set to unfold, when...
    apprenhension reared it's neck; his attention would favor
    another presence making it's entrance with dreaded endeavor
    What do you want he asked, his eyes still fixed on the universe
    Greetings, Michael.. reply the sly spirit of Lucifer
    The truth will hurt, brother; That's HIS will, as you know.
    As long as HE'S in charge, you know damn well this war's still possible
    I'll tell you what, though, my previous offer still stands
    and if you switch hands, i promise you a living of bliss, yeah?

    Michael shifted his glance, his vision scanning his brother
    Dubbed the Lightbearer, beautiful, handsome unlike no others
    i can tell that nothing's change. You're still bent on rebellion?
    That's such an ugly word, Mikey; i prefer....'getting permission'
    You're quite the wordsmith, Serpent, is this all that you came for?
    ...And to claim the THRONE, brother, cause HE's not fit to reign long!!!
    Then with a slight thought Michael sought his hand around Lucifer's
    neck, with no objection; crimson energy surges
    from his eyes as anger rises I won't allow any fallacy!!
    The serpent cower
    yielding to power that could easily devour a galaxy
    Michael, i've made my offer and you're welcome with open arms
    just think about it bro.. And with that...the Devil was gone
    leaving the head angel to ponder on the course that was written
    as he stare upon the multiverse, he's now poise on his mission....


    *****A Research Lab in New Castle, Wyoming*****


    Dr. Adams quietly observe this rearest of specimen
    though happy with it, he knows it's just the beginning
    He was the best at what he do, taking pride in his work
    twice recognized with Nobel prizes; but not a smile or a smirk
    his true and try reputation became a fame of science
    but on this night, Dr. Adams couldn't contain his fire
    because inside this lab inside this quiet town of Wyoming
    He just became a dad...to the first human product of cloning
    Ecstatic was an undertone as he jump for joy
    stomp and toy while his mouth starts pumping noise.
    He then set his attention to an inanimate object
    his eyes shifts to a table where an aging old cloth sits
    it was from this, that his greatest dream came true
    when he first extracted blood from this ancient relic
    he knew his life would change forever; called it fate, he's destined
    he stared at the cloth; content, it was his proudest night
    for Dr. Adams has sparked life,
    .......by extracting DNA from the Shroud of Christ.

    [​IMG]


    test
  3. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2008
    Messages:
    699
    test
  4. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2008
    Messages:
    8,233
    I wore salt burns with style
    My soul burned in trials
    A tote bag denial
    This hope dragged a mile
    All broke cash and smiles
    This old sap is tired
    My hope trashed and mired
    Over broken brick sunsets
    Floating mountain view
    With a vision of what’s next
    A bums test, assembly line
    The temperature was tepid
    And fine, horizon setting my stride
    The pocket with penny inside
    Infamy is definitely mine
    Another shepherd who’s blind
    Offerings to a god who was kind
    Hand craft dreams, red eye
    Metal work hands at bed time
    My machine cries, doesn’t bend
    The sigh of a puzzled friend
    A muzzled stench, head low
    Yes sir, no sir, a dead tone
    A thread sown, fertile earth
    Silenced doubters, curtailed laughs
    Purse string hang man
    A shirt tail grasp
    Fingers to the bone merchant
    Every move I knows certain
    A slow servant, engine tuned
    My god plays a peasants tune
    A pendent moon, crushed grey velvet
    They say trust breaks helmets
    Lust for well wish, 3 speed love
    A record this is a repeat of
    Receipt stuffed in my shirt pocket
    My face greased with the dirt from it
    My speech is a slurred prophet
    My friends hate this absurd topic
    I turned honest work humble
    Feared when I heard the cursed rumble
    Wasn’t built for this, tin held trust
    Ambition held with pin belt rust
    Sin fell fast with the wind in my hair
    The land opened with a filament glare
    A simpletons cares, body encased in
    A hand made body, placed in
    The world’s fastest bike today
    Gods messenger on the license plate
    We were made to siphon days
    Silent strays under
    A story sold back
    To the worlds fastest Indian
    On the Utah salt flats

    r.i.p Burt Munro

    Crusted Crystals
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  5. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2005
    Messages:
    2,962
    Chin
    Wow.... I was starting to think this would be an easy walk for me to a championship match, but now I know I've got my work cut out for me. first off, the way you metaphorically used names from the bible and in their original characters with Michael being God's soldier of war and Adam being the first man of Earth and twisting the story the way you did... I was highly into this story from start to finish. The way you spun the twist at the end was great as well. Narration was good with some nice and smooth flowing parts.... don't have any complaints for this one. I'm glad I read before I'll face you next week cuz I might have made the mistake of underestimating you otherwise.

    Nom
    this read like something very personal and very abstract without a clear definition of what you're saying outside of random thoughts you're expressing. Not sure what crushed crystals as your topic has to do with it either. the broken up flow was cool at some points and just annoying in some instances like you couldn't make up your mind what lines to rhyme.... not trying to be negative, just explaining how it read. It had a good narration to it, but without the clarity, it was lost in tranalaiton.

    Vote Chin
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  6. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2007
    Messages:
    659
    chin, firstly i despise the presentation of this verse, though it has little to do with the talent displayed it does have a lot to do with capturing a readers attention, especially now since votes are based on points and whatnot, if it weren't for the short length of verses i might've passed this up simply due to how your verse looks, i also don't dig the chapter blah blah blah verses, i really hated when DAD did that awhile back, anyway - there is absolutely no rhythm to this verse though there are some random words that may rhyme with others, this really read as over-worded and dull, a flow would have been nice seeing as how that's the basis behind stories within this league, i appreciate those who play with different flows but here it was hardly apparent, reply the sly line was very forced wording, living of bliss yeah was forced-as-motherfucker, nothing's change, stare upon, and serpent cower were all grammatically incorrect, poise on his mission was forced and very unnatural, its apparent that you have rarely ever used the word in your life, quietly observe, best at what he do, true and try, as he jump for joy, stomp and toy, pumping noise, i found trouble with all of these, just a lot of forced wording and rhyming, though the flow slightly picked up towards the end it felt forced and still presented little actual rhythm, the story itself was somewhat creative but the connection to the two quotes was very minimal if at all noticed and the execution of the idea ruined the actual creativity which all in all still doesn't seem to have the potential to be that enjoyable, overall this wasn't very good to me, i'd say work heavily on wording and natural wording and also you desperately need to find a rhythm that can be detected easily by readers, the creativity will come with confidence, maturity, and knowledge which i can't really offer advice on but every thing else is mostly mechanical and can be easily fixed

    nom, i somewhat cheated because i read about burt munro on wikipedia but after that it all made sense, somewhat hard for a verse so artistically vague as this to connect to readers who don't know the character but overall this was done nicely, the wording was good, the flow/rhythm was good once i warmed to it, very quick and concise, i liked the imagery/descriptions and what you chose to portray, not great but good, probably does little for a man of such reputation but i think you covered good ground and in a good way and thus you get my nod

    vote - nom

    oh, also i saw little correlation with the crushed or crusted crystals and the actual storyline, maybe i missed something but it still does little as far as evening the two verses in my opinion because the chin's quotes did little as well
    test
  7. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2008
    Messages:
    8,233
    test
  8. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    Chin - right .. I liked the concept you had here .. however the execution was a bit of a rollercoaster .. I found it a bit of a struggle to read the 1st part of the verse and didn't quite get what was going on .. I did like the 2nd part more and that's when everything became clear .. I was tempted to go back and read the 1st part after that just to see if it made sense more when I understood more where the piece was going .. but I think the writer should have the clarity in narration for that not to be needed .. and at the end of the day I did get the idea at the end anyway .. the mechanics weren't too hot .. no real flow to the text IMO .. it was a decent idea but could have been carried off better ..

    nom - unless by 'crusted crytals' you were refering to the sands on which land speed records are ran then I also don't see the connection or how the title inspired this piece .. I won't be reading up on this guy but I found it pretty obvious that it was a man who does some form of land speed shit .. this piece had a pretty decent flow to it and the read itself was pretty entertaining too .. the short line structure can be hurtful as it almost forces the writer to pack as much info in to each line as possible and can make it rather restrictive .. however .. I think you did a good enough job of not being too brief or vague with your content and came out on top here ..

    Vote = nom ..
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  9. Hades.

    Hades. Jog on.

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2007
    Messages:
    70
    Argh, u cunts do my head in.

    Chinny boy, your piece NEEDED a better rhymescheme..seriously. You hit the self-destruct button by using your virtually absent flow. I mean, thats one of the basic skills needed in all topicals, shit..you don't have to rhyme like a mad cunt..but just enough to do the job. Anyway, I was diggin' the verse otherwise, lad..the colour threw me off, I didn't even wanna read that shit when I seen it, it's just visually off-putting. Your concept was cool, & creative, imo. You get kudos for that my man. As for Nom, I read your piece & I hadn't a fuckin' clue who you were harpin' on about, so I sneaked a look at Wiki, & it made sense..you sly bastard. Ha, anyhow..yeah, nice flow. I liked how you tied in the title with the bloke, you seemed to ramble on a little at times but thats alri. Your wording & imagery were probably a slight bit better than Chinny's & your rhyming was lightyears ahead so I'll give ya the nod.

    V/ Nomzer.
    test
  10. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    3-1 nom.
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