Deep Within Ecstasy

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by D. MonEy25, Mar 31, 2011.

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  1. D. MonEy25

    D. MonEy25 Gifted With The Words

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    Deep Within Ecstasy
    Hands clenched as the earth shakes
    Heads move like exorcisms
    body mannerisms
    while the sweat drips from your chest
    Slight gasps of ecstasy manifest
    Themselves, while we delve into dangerous pleasure zones
    Moans in monotone echo through the air\
    Earthquakes and tidal waves errupt with every breath
    Claw marks along your back and on my chest
    Like being mauled b savage beasts....
    Thermostat on low
    But who can tell between our body heat
    Epic love making til the sun erupts
    Fire within out souls
    The lust is never enough
    test
  2. TheIlliterate

    TheIlliterate Well-Known Member

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    Tight.
    Keep it up dog.
    test
  3. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

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    This was ok, I believe you could have taken a different route with this if u tried. Also alot of typos. Find a way to make really feel the love making. You have to draw your readers into the FEELINGS. Tell me what the subconsious is doing while making love to this woman. Use all 5 senses and put your reader in the story. Make your reader feel as though they were the ones having sex...not the character in the story. I will give you a small example of what I am talking about....

    "Claw marks along your back and on my chest
    Like being mauled b savage beasts...."

    This bar tells me nothing. Claw marks from a savage beasts? What is claw marks from a savage beast? And even if I knew what that looked like what good does it do me to know what my back looks like while I am fucking? Tell me how it feels, thats what sex is about. You can give the visual but don't sacrifice other senses.

    However you did have a good use of auditory right before that when you wrote,

    "Moans in monotone echo through the air\
    Earthquakes and tidal waves errupt with every breath"

    that bar was a good example of pulling your reader in. You did a pretty good job I just think next time you should really put yourself in a reader's shoes before you write. Remember that of course you will feel your poem because you thinking of something specific in your mind as you write, but the reader needs to really know what you are thinking of. Leave no stone unturned!
    test
  4. jromero1

    jromero1 New Member

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    i like both
    test
  5. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

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    I threw up.
    test
  6. abz is dead.

    abz is dead. bobby the brain

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    Like being mauled b savage beasts....


    bro, you really shouldn't invite that comparison.
    test
  7. Look im Gangsta

    Look im Gangsta New Member

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    this was real deap.

    i lyke were u were going with this bro.

    heads move like exorcisms

    dope shit.
    test
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