dear charly

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Sparky tha troublesum, Nov 18, 2004.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Sparky tha troublesum

    Sparky tha troublesum kamikaze

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 1999
    Messages:
    947
    "dear coke"
    your fantastical flow warms my withering veins/may result in demise but f**k u eased my pains/unsolvable mysteries and agonising strains/starin into empty spaces while sittin on trains/thinking what could've been if i did it sober/now you f**ked it an my dream is over/i bosh another trail/this time im way off the rail/once again you flow, i lose my sences/fixed up a life of sittin on fences/countless lost braincells, gone without repentence/lost loves&let downs left me somewhat of a skeptic/you showed me in technicolour just how nuts gets hectic/an now im a retard....i always forget nuts/pulsate through my veins my unnatural freind/threw away my hard work went on a bend/i love your poison but it determines an immanant end//.............

    any comments reply cheers
    test
  2. Sparky tha troublesum

    Sparky tha troublesum kamikaze

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 1999
    Messages:
    947
    sorry about the "nuts" its ment to say "shit" but this thing on the other site i posted it on replaces shit with nuts......obviously
    test
  3. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2004
    Messages:
    11,770
    ????what?????


    anyways~

    nice piece, again it sounded like a rap, but it's all good?

    attention: say no to drugs.....but drink freely

    God Bless
    test
  4. UGene

    UGene New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2004
    Messages:
    14
    decent piece .. but, again, it sounds more like a rap. in poetry, try to make more imagery in your words, and make the images stand out in the readers mind .. that adds a lot to a poem .. as for the scheme and such, you could elevate, but its not bad for a beginner poet because they seem to have the aa bb cc dd etc etc type scheme stuck in their head with the one syllable vocabulary .. but overall, just keep writing and you will see improvment. return the favor
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)