Daddy

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Feme Sole, Jul 30, 2003.

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  1. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

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    Messages:
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    This is sort of a diff. style for me, it sort of just.........happened......it might be a work in progress and it might be finished i havent decided......
    ___________________________

    I don’t got no daddy but I aint no ho.
    He don’t know me
    but I bet my mommas love made him weak in the knees…
    cause she’s good at loving,
    just like me.
    Weak in the knees just like me.
    He don’t know his seed.

    He doesn’t know that she speaks with eloquence.
    He doesn’t know that she sees him
    in every man’s eyes.
    He doesn’t know that
    at one time
    she actually thought that he was coming home.
    He doesn’t know that because of him,
    she feels that she will die alone.
    He doesn’t know that one day
    she layed on her mother’s bed
    curled in the fetal position,
    cryin’ and wishin’ to be born again.
    And She was ……in her own way~~
    But he’s still there inside of her somewhere,
    she can feel it in her knees.

    He walks with a cane,
    Because he was never able
    To do the things
    That his seed would call noble.

    He didn’t know when she was born
    And she will not know when he dies.
    test
  2. Judge tha Dacyple

    Judge tha Dacyple Poetic Papi Emcee Señor

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2000
    Messages:
    1,700
    this was incredibly well written!! This my 'seem' like a different style, it screams you. And those screams echo, gaining strength with each ricochet. I really, really, REALLY liked the way you wrote this!

    He doesn’t know that
    at one time
    she actually thought that he was coming home.
    He doesn’t know that because of him,
    she feels that she will die alone.
    He doesn’t know that one day
    she layed on her mother’s bed
    curled in the fetal position,
    cryin’ and wishin’ to be born again.
    And She was ……in her own way~~

    What can I say? your 'to virgin eyes simplicity' is so much more than first perceived. So powerful, so YOU.

    He didn’t know when she was born
    And she will not know when he dies.

    That closer made my jaw drop. You, my dear, are awe inspiring. Like I've said to you before, don't you EVER waste your talent!!!!!
    test
  3. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
    Messages:
    17,331
    Deep piece here, not the normal style i've seen from you, but it still was good. Last two lines ended it prefectly.

    One luv
    test
  4. Ra Ill

    Ra Ill New Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2003
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    test
  5. V E R B

    V E R B Guest

    this was really nice work from you (like always).... and yeah, this was a new style for you... like i was telling you on aim, nice work ma
    test
  6. the.dirtiest

    the.dirtiest inactive

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,801
    this is very intricate with a lot of hidden meanings. i noticed the metaphors shift which is different from your usual style.

    i won't dissect this one, it's too dense...it's liek a max reger fugue, the dovetails are too tight to pull it apart. nevertheless, the weak knees, cane/able, death/rebirth/death triangle on the bed of conception, and the 'doesn't know' list tie the ideas together even though the viewpoint shifts and the timeline changes constantly. and the ending comes out of nowhere to tie everything up with a completely different viewpoint. usually poems like this are so judgmental but this one isn't at all it's just honest. i'm really glad i read this and i'm going to link it to borah greg and hajile cos they'd all like it a lot.

    i hope kpucha sees this...
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  7. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

    Joined:
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    awwww graci mi amores [kissu]
    test
  8. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    basically yeah......thanks for noticing......and im glad you picked up on all that other shit too lol :)
    test
  9. iconoclast

    iconoclast Guest

    This is dope.
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  10. ARCHITECT

    ARCHITECT New Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2000
    Messages:
    11,043

    donde esta mi beso where is my kiss!

    very ill work here i like how this was written, the flow and the content are on point .
    test
  11. Kirbyson

    Kirbyson I look mean don't I?

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    *scratches gangstarr record* skillz skillz skillz.....

    that was ill!
    test
  12. Speedy Gunzalez

    Speedy Gunzalez Awareness is my Alias

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2001
    Messages:
    9,400
    the.dirtiest broke down what I had to say quite well. As weird as this may sound, I didn't know you were this talented. Then again.. I haven't read too much of your poetry.

    Very well written Feme, your line structuring complimented your transitions and metaphors.
    In addition to that, I thought the imagery you illustrated in the middle portion of your piece was vivid.

    Nice work ma ma : )
    test
  13. GorillaThugMC

    GorillaThugMC Minotaur Orator

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2003
    Messages:
    1,074
    Nice poem...

    I can't really tell between different poetry styles =/ but I did like the ending!
    test
  14. illpoetical

    illpoetical raising the bar everyday

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2000
    Messages:
    1,533
    that was really nice, i can really feel you emotion
    test
  15. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2000
    Messages:
    26,748
    i like that..it was very dope..very heart touching..good job girl
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  16. Lyme

    Lyme Guest

    [game]

    thanks for sharing something so personal grrl.. Nothing but happiness from here on out
    test
  17. FukkedUPKidR

    FukkedUPKidR Guest

    Awww...Damnit, this was wonderful woman!

    "I don’t got no daddy but I aint no ho.
    He don’t know me
    but I bet my mommas love made him weak in the knees…
    cause she’s good at loving,
    just like me.
    Weak in the knees just like me.
    He don’t know his seed.

    He doesn’t know that she speaks with eloquence.
    He doesn’t know that she sees him
    in every man’s eyes.
    He doesn’t know that
    at one time
    she actually thought that he was coming home.
    He doesn’t know that because of him,
    she feels that she will die alone.
    He doesn’t know that one day
    she layed on her mother’s bed
    curled in the fetal position,
    cryin’ and wishin’ to be born again.
    And She was ……in her own way~~
    But he’s still there inside of her somewhere,
    she can feel it in her knees.

    He walks with a cane,
    Because he was never able
    To do the things
    That his seed would call noble.

    He didn’t know when she was born
    And she will not know when he dies."

    ^Every single line of it...you bring out the rawest emotion with some of the simplest words...Respect..
    test
  18. disciplestylez

    disciplestylez Broken Soul

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2003
    Messages:
    88
    this was a very heartfelt poem, it showed alot of hurt and i think hidden anger, i liked it alot

    peace and love
    test
  19. this is the kind of piece that doesn't surface to often, i admire this. good job feme and a hug
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  20. lpoet

    lpoet POET

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    Messages:
    12,678
    she can feel it in her knees.

    thats a nice line...flow was a bit off for me at times but i reallly liked what u were saying

    keep it up

    sorry took me so long to check this
    test
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