Contendership Match: 3. 3-Planes (3-0) vs. 4. Eye-Rime (6-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by J o o k, Nov 19, 2007.

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  1. J o o k

    J o o k Guest


    [​IMG]

    The New RSTL Rules and Regulations

    VERSES DUE: Thursday 11:59pm PST. NO RECYCLING.

    Verses posted after the deadline will not count! UNLESS you post your verse before mods close threads (for some odd reason), and your opponent agrees to let your verse stand.

    VOTES DUE: Sunday 8 PM PST. 4 votes per participant, POST LINKS in your match. Each link not posted will result in a 1 vote deduction up to 4 votes obviously.

    *Votes posted after deadline will not count in a tie or a close match, thus possibly resulting in a loss. GET YOUR VOTES IN.
    You are also required to vote on the Championship, and Contendership match which will be included in your 4 votes.

    If you are not in the league you cannot vote, unless you are an ex champion. Ex champions must vote on a minimum of 4 battles for their votes to count.

    *Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.

    *Verses MUST incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.

    *Anyone who does not post at least 4 lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.

    *During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.

    *Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a no-show.

    * EXSTENSTIONS will be granted on a case by case basis.

    *If your opponent no shows you will still be held accountable for posting TWO VOTES.

    *Votes must at least be 2 lines in length for each verse.

    NO SHOWS WILL COUNT AS A LOSS.

    Lastly: Moderators have FINAL say over all situations that arise.

    Amendments

    1. Mods can vote.

    2. You're opponent automatically gets the same extension deadline.

    3. You cannot win a championship by no show. You will become the number #1 seed, but you must win by vote to be a champion. This does not apply for defenses.

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  2. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
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  3. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

    verses due friday due to thanksgiving
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  4. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2007
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    659
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  5. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2007
    Messages:
    659





    [​IMG]

    SPOILS OF WAR
    By Eye-Rime


    His glance was sordid,


    I had never reached the Sanded Fortress
    The hands would force it, and every time my plans were thwarted
    Was damned to torches, on more than one occasion of course
    Each stage I was scorched -- but what was the grand importance?
    I commanded forces, and journeyed through the Stranded Forest
    And battled the creatures of the night with only a lance -- distorted
    My stance -- contorted, and now with my sword I'd kill more
    Its slice was sharp and sleek -- and I was smart, but was still sore
    I embarked to instill war, with the heart of a skilled whore
    Conniving and tantalizing, my timing revealed gore
    No rewinding this field's score, I was shining with glory
    I had played it out so many times without designing the story
    But now I was defining the gory, as I sliced through a beast's neck
    With my knife to his meek chest while I diced through the freak's breast
    I ignite through unique tests, the second feat of the mission
    Was the three headed snake soldier with the feet of a chicken
    Plus the body of a horse, and so his speed was relentless
    So to heed his defenses,
    I used a rat as bait and left him beaten and senseless
    Now redeeming my mission, and the third feat was just horrid
    Against a bear the size of a mountain, and I had eaten his porridge
    But to keep him from scoring, I would prevail with a slither
    Staying clear of the spikes on his back down to his tail of a lizard
    Impaling this critter, and soon he would dread what I kept
    As I lured him down to the honey jar, then severed his head from his neck
    And he bled to his death, as I crept through the Forest shade
    And into the Barren Desert that was swept with a swarm of haze
    And I wept with enormous pain, but its best that I stayed focused
    For my quest to Renee' -- hoping -- as I met with the Grey Lotus
    And the rest of the day's closing, as he gave us a map to the Fortress
    Then we packed for the forces -- of evil that would attack at our sources
    But we had to react and absorb it, so we stopped at the River of Dreams
    Where my clan and I took a bath -- and then heard shivers and screams
    That rang loud as we quivered our knees from the breeze of the crab
    But I wasn’t as easily fooled as I grabbed the wings of the beast and then stabbed
    And with my hand to his feathers,
    He fell with the wind like he danced with the weather
    Then the half bird and half crustacean fell to the sands of the desert
    And then after, I gathered the men and we assumed our fate
    As we pushed forward to the Sanded Fortress where our doom would wait
    And even the moon would shake, cos evil commanded the skies
    Left stranded to die, as his foot soldiers easily damaged my guys
    But I’d stand with my pride, cos I had fought him before
    And I sought for the war, so now he and my lance would collide
    My stance was denied, as he knocked me off my feet for a second
    Breathing and stretching
    To reach my sword so I could seize him and catch him
    And he was a demon from Heaven, the evil Leader of Slevin
    With the claws and fangs of a wolf, and horns and wings for his dressing
    And I was so queazy from messing with whatever breed was progressing
    But nevermind, as I struck my blade and it felt my being was destined
    And I couldn’t believe I was vexing the very evil that held her there
    I could smell her hair -- oh, Renee’ -- I would defeat him for testing
    But the demon contested, and next he left me bleeding in sections
    Heaving and lessoned, and I didn’t know if I could even digest it
    Now relieving my stresses, as I pulled his knife from my shoulder
    And lunged it forward towards his heart, hoping the fighting was over

    ---------------
    ----------
    ----
    -


    “Fuck! -- I fuckin’ hate you,” is what Kenny exclaimed
    “This is the hundredth fuckin’ time I almost ended this game!”

    “Well Mommy said it was my turn for the TV,” his sister snorted
    “I took the Fortress!” said Kenny, who looked at his sister -- morbid

    But looks would forfeit -- well, usually; but retractions were dull
    Then Kenny stuck a kitchen knife right through the back of her skull
    And no one would notice,
    Cos the baby sitter was having sex so he’d never run
    He just cut on his X Box and started it over from level one


    "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a
    monster...when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."
    -Friedrich Nietzsche


    The End





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  6. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    sorry this is a rehash of a recent piece (never posted here), going on a camping/fishing trip with some friends early tomorrow (won't be home till sunday) and i won't have time to write anything new, but didn't want to no-show


    [size=+1]"Big City Nightmares"[/size]

    [​IMG]

    at the speed of life - the city, breed in it's slums...
    - feelings get touched, the city - concrete jaw
    and concrete claws - i bleed in it's clutch...
    a monster's ball - a ravenous beast eating me up

    the city - really a wasteland

    an entity fueled by our putrid emotions
    - an expanding blight is the future in motion
    beyond rational - the outline is black and oblique
    - standing a massive titan, harassing the weak
    the brass and the steel - the ave's and the streets
    a giant ashtray, formed by the glass and concrete
    it twists minds - perhaps you'll even grow to like it
    - as your will to live, is slowly siphoned...

    the city - a hell portrayed in shades of gray

    ain't shit changed, the same murderous haze lacing the firmament
    littered with trash, the piss stains seem permanent
    where beatdowns and shakedowns occur
    - by angry young men exacting revenge on the world
    feeling it's not your business - trust that instinct
    or leave with a face, filled with knuckle imprints
    housings where despair spells doom in the rock
    where miserable have-not's live in gloom on my block
    anxious creatures, scuffling around
    - strutting about till they get put in the ground
    - the lack of stimulation debasing their brains
    afraid - probably had had a taste of the pain
    - ambition amounts to screens in the dark
    dreams to depart - watching tv wasting away...
    mosts lifes aren't taken - from birth, till the lid is shut...
    these lives are forfeited - relinquished and given up

    the city - in a dirty basement death sits, writing names on bullets...

    downtown - the abomination's heart,
    a pacemaker candidate laced with scars
    - basically waste pasted together...
    - it throbs, mimicking life in a tainted farce
    the stomping grounds of yuppies and suits
    crippled psychopaths maintaining a look of repute
    cruising in jeeps, 300 dollar shoes on their feet
    - spending more on a meal than i do on food for a week
    the story behind those steely eyes...
    - secret lives, coke habits and cheating wives
    seeping lies, beating their children
    nothing is sacred, when the green is religion

    it's the essence... in this gloomy hive
    - the fuel and drive that propels our foolish minds
    here, greed gets the best of rich and poor
    - money bill paper cuts set to slit our throats

    the city - depression, second guessing bereft of blessings

    the city... detrimental torture and mindgames
    - a savage disease where the host is the virus
    binding my spirit - too unholy a tether
    - emotions as cold as the weather, war on my sanity...
    and aura of anomie - people are lonely together
    and harmony here, would mean snow in the nether...

    the city - a rainy night on a bridge, another flame's extinguished...
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  7. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
    Q - Eh, man this started out really slow for me. A LOT of rhyming that dominated the piece and alot of it came off as really forced. Plus, fantasy stuff isn't really my thing, but when you revealed that it was a video game I put that aside. I loved the tie in to the topic at the end, and while I would like to say that something that stupid would never happen, unfortunately I saw on the news where a little boy stabbed his brother over what channel the television was on, so this actually reminded me of a real life event, don't know if you heard about that or not.

    3PA - The beginning of this didn't really draw me in, but the flow was good enough to keep my attention and when it finally got to the whole personification of Greed I got into it a little bit more. I loved the image of Death in a basement carving names on bullets, sick as fuck. Mechanics in this were pretty much spot on too.

    I dunno, I thought Q had a good take on the topic, but didn't execute it very well at all. I'm gonna vote 3PA for the more engaging and enjoyable read on this one.
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  8. Dicnyaeye

    Dicnyaeye N CuM oN Ya BrAiN

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2006
    Messages:
    251
    my bad.... didn't post it all... try again
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  9. Dicnyaeye

    Dicnyaeye N CuM oN Ya BrAiN

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2006
    Messages:
    251
    Eye, this was tightly narrated with great rhymes schemes and flow sequences and detailed imagery. While reading it, I thought it seemed like a cartoon or video game so that didn't really come as a surprise, but ur ending was diranged.... seemed like one of the old school creature feature sketches... i think i'm revealin my age.... lol, this was nice though. Nothing to shocking, but the way you detailed it made it was cool

    3p, I like the way you tied this topic in ur narration...... it held my attention and the unconventional rhyme schemes got my attention too because I'm doin that now too. the topic itself was pretty cool.... would of liked to see an actual example of greed with some details maybe... makes it stick a lil better i think.

    this was a lil more difficult to decide....

    Vote Eye.... more complex scheme and detailed narration
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  10. S. Issue

    S. Issue Who?

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2002
    Messages:
    908
    hmm.

    Q: i feel like this piece really could have been better. i think the reveal came at a good point and the ending was cool. i dunno, i just didnt feel the rest of the verse. i mean, fundamentally, it was good, you had some good rhymes and shit was on point, but i just wasnt pulled into the verse like usual. though, overall, still a good verse here.

    3P: the hardest part for me was following the scheme. i read it was few times and was able to follow, but it took me a little bit to catch. otherwise, i think you did a good job of describing what was going on, tying it in etc. i just feel like sometimes it can be hard to follow a flow, try to keep up with the vocab, and still get what you describe. maybe its just me. i like the complexity man, but sometimes it can overload.

    VOTE: this really came down to whose piece i liked more, and i am going to have to vote for...Q because i liked his take and piece just a bit better this week.

    nice battle yall.
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  11. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    309
    Eye rime: Ok even though this man thinks I am the worst thing to enter this league since Unavailable, I am sorry to admit, I liked his verse, I liked it alot. First of all what video was the kid playing? I really loved the awesome buildup, until the ending, it was a little rushed, but the grand finale was awesome.

    3 planes: At the beginnig of this verse the imagery was awesome, but in my opinion it started to wind down and become somewhat of a bore to read, Not to say it was a wack verse, just that it did not hold my attention.

    Vote: Eye rime, Even though he hates me, I have to give him mty vote for that ending alone. Good verses both of you.
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  12. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2001
    Messages:
    29,663
    Eye Rime - Good job on the flow man, no doubt. It kept me going and going, didn't miss a beat. I like what you did with the topic though. Nothing too crazy, but enough to keep a reader going due to the vivid details and imagery. Great job man.

    3 Planes - I've never read your stuff man.. I'm impressed. After I got used to the scheme I was able to follow along. You started off writing flames man. And it kind of got calmer with the imagery and emotion you began with.

    Vote - Q

    Good matchup.

    Vote on my match if my opponent shows.

    - Weez
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  13. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

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  14. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    good battle ..

    Q - this story got me .. I liked the flip on this being about videogames and as fucked up as the ending was .. I still enjoyed it .. the flow was nice and carried me through the piece smooth as fuck .. it wasn't simple and it wasn't over the top .. it was just about right to hold my hand through the piece .. nice work ..

    3P - strange style of writing .. but it was cool .. however it wasn't really consistent .. I'm not gonna hype or bemoan the structure you had with this .. but the content itself is where this was lost for me .. as it started off slow but interesting .. then it got good .. then it went blah .. and I was left wondering if I actually enjoyed reading it or not .. a strange one .. I like the different approach to writing .. but when the content doesn't stay gripping or enjoyable .. then it really don't matter about the scheme tbh ..

    Vote = Eye-Rime .. I hope this isn't taken as a crew vote (bwha) .. I just felt that Q really set out to entertain the reader and delivered a nicely crafted verse with most aspects to a written piece covered with solid competence .. 3-Planes may have taken this had his content stayed as interesting as it began .. but as it is .. Q had the better verse for me here ..
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  15. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 1999
    Messages:
    5,954
    Vote: 3-Planes

    Q: While I really do appreciate your vividness and imagery throughout the piece, describing the game, you did a masterful job, atleast until the fight scene at the end, it really really fell way short in my eyes, because the build up was so awesome, literally... your rhyming was well done, you used your rhyming and scheme to carry the imagery, hard to pull off effectively and is where most people fail.. however, the end an the twist was a huge let down man...- you took this dope story, fantastical and image filled and turned it into the plague of these leagues, a ridiculous ending or "twist"- these types of twists/endings are just bad at this point...-bringing the story back to reality could have worked in so many different ways, even just the fact that the sister cut the game off could have been explored in a drastically different way... and would have made the piece solid through the end... all that said, a dope piece with a bad ending, in my opinion of course :) - stay up bro, your writing is great nonetheless

    3-Planes: Probably the best piece I've ever read from you... The images and the way you displayed them through intricate detail was absolutely insanely perfectly done. People around the net, in these league's really fail to appreciate excellent writing when its right in front of their eyes, a bunch of "writers" with no ability to look through the language and recognize that when done as well as this, there's more than just "here, hold my hand while I lead you through this story to grip you so you don't have to think to hard." You take language and work it in a way that I rarely EVER see in these leagues, I can think of very few people that I've personally read that do it nearly as well as you. The descriptions of such common images, turning them into stuff like this:
    "where beatdowns and shakedowns occur
    - by angry young men exacting revenge on the world
    feeling it's not your business - trust that instinct
    or leave with a face, filled with knuckle imprints
    housings where despair spells doom in the rock
    where miserable have-not's live in gloom on my block"

    Jesus dude... I think people will always fail to really appreciate language like this... shame.''

    Also, the way the piece progressed, the bullet image, the abomination image - you place alot of importance on key images to make your pieces MEAN more than just what the words say...

    I could go on forever, safe to say, there isn't anyhting written this week that even touches this piece.

    Vote: 3-Planes for those reasons..

    great battle - battle of the week easy.
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  16. Autocratimatic

    Autocratimatic New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2006
    Messages:
    71
    I really dislike the flow in 3planes verse. getting too cute with his style experimentation. I mean, inner rhyme and shit is cool, but its so distracting in a verse meant to be read rather than listened too. the content really didnt do it for me either, and i read a piece a week or so ago and i really liked your story. this just wasnt that great in my not so crumbled opinion

    Eye rime, rever read your stuff before but i really like the way you present it.

    But now I was defining the gory, as I sliced through a beast's neck
    With my knife to his meek chest while I diced through the freak's breast

    that is vinnie paz raw right there. loved it start to finish. i think both people can write well, but Eye definitely edged it out with his edgy lyrics and raw style. 3planes was too cute for his own good, no homo. pause


    vote Eye rime by a lot.
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  17. Mc_Revolver

    Mc_Revolver Rapmusic.com Audio Champ

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2000
    Messages:
    1,577
    3planes -

    I disliked how the verse started. I wasn't really into it until the middle part it got very interesting. I started to dig the flow a lot more and the imagery was just perfect. I really dig how you wrote about the beat-downs and the knuckle imprints that whole verse stood out for me. The rest could have been better in my opinion and I know that you got a lot on your hands so I give you props for showing us a piece for this match. With all respect! Great piece just the beginning kinda had me out of it and the middle brought me back.


    Eye Rime -

    I usually come on here and peep the producers threads and audio battles. I never peeped text until the past week. I honestly like your style of writing and the imagery is just perfect. I read the first 2 lines and I was so into it that I kept reading and wanting to see more and more... when it ended it was like one of those movies you don't want it to end! lol

    I can't really point out any flaws in your writing other than each line was very long. I don't know how others feel about that but it didn't bother me though i know it can get annoying at times.

    Also, I realized that someone in here thought of VINNIE PAZ when he read the following two lines:

    "But now I was defining the gory, as I sliced through a beast's neck
    With my knife to his meek chest while I diced through the freak's breast"

    On the real, that is some Vinnie Paz, Jedi Mind shit!!!


    - Good Match -

    Vote - Eye Rime lyke Vinnie Paz from Jedi Mind - The Intelligent Design.



    Good LUCK
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  18. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Q - the whole time I read this piece, i'm like...way to go Q, way to pull a page out of Vern's book and write about some fantasy bullshit and I could tell the whole video game aspect right off the jump...the only thing that you really added to it was the murder of the sister at the end, which in essence saved the piece in my eyes, it was the right way to end the piece, your rhyming is getting less irritating by the way.

    3- I don't think people gave you the credit due for the quality of the writing here, great use of language, I rather enjoyed your flow and you really were able to pull me in with some great imagery...the problem though was that you pulled me into the exact same topical about the same things everyone talks about...and the piece while a very well written one dies as a spoken word cliche.

    vote = Q
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  19. .ApoGee.

    .ApoGee. Keep The Peace.

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2007
    Messages:
    162
    Eye-Rime. Ha this was good. I like the story, I was hooked from the beginning. I like verses and story like this. Keep the readers at ease and hit them with a twist at the end. Lol @ The kid putting a kitchen knife back of the girls skull. When I first skimmed your piece, I thought “Oh man, A Long verse, why can people just keep it short and simple damn it!”. But the flow of your piece kept me going, kept me reading. As well the Imagery of your piece, I loved it. The narrator you chose as being a character in the game, I love that too. The concept was cool and very much original. You had nice word-choices here in this piece and kept me entertained. The vocab was decent at best, the emotion/’tone’ of your piece was set at almost a novel ‘vibe’. All in all good drop man, I loved it.

    3-planes....I’ve read your writtens on PR and I’m familiar with your style. This was a good piece, you have a good way of writing your Imagery on piece of paper, very original and hey, its your style. The idea you had was good, but I think the content didn’t really stand out. What were you really trying to say in your piece?. All in all, this was a good drop in literature way.

    V/ Eye-Rime. Entertaining.
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  20. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

    Q wins (7-1)
    3- Planes loses (3-1)
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