Contendership: 3. Bonnie Bathory (3-1) vs. 4. Poetikz (3-0) VOTE!

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by J o o k, Dec 17, 2007.

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  1. J o o k

    J o o k Guest


    [​IMG]

    The New RSTL Rules and Regulations

    VERSES DUE: Thursday 11:59pm PST. NO RECYCLING.

    Verses posted after the deadline will not count! UNLESS you post your verse before mods close threads (for some odd reason), and your opponent agrees to let your verse stand.

    VOTES DUE: Sunday 8 PM PST. 4 votes per participant, POST LINKS in your match. Each link not posted will result in a 1 vote deduction up to 4 votes obviously.

    *Votes posted after deadline will not count in a tie or a close match, thus possibly resulting in a loss. GET YOUR VOTES IN.
    You are also required to vote on the Championship, and Contendership match which will be included in your 4 votes.

    If you are not in the league you cannot vote, unless you are an ex champion. Ex champions must vote on a minimum of 4 battles for their votes to count.

    *Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.

    *Verses MUST incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.

    *Anyone who does not post at least 4 lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.

    *During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.

    *Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a no-show.

    * EXSTENSTIONS will be granted on a case by case basis.

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    *Votes must at least be 2 lines in length for each verse.

    NO SHOWS WILL COUNT AS A LOSS.

    Lastly: Moderators have FINAL say over all situations that arise.

    Amendments

    1. Mods can vote.

    2. You're opponent automatically gets the same extension deadline.

    3. You cannot win a championship by no show. You will become the number #1 seed, but you must win by vote to be a champion. This does not apply for defenses.

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  2. Bonnie Bathory

    Bonnie Bathory New Member

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  3. Poetickz

    Poetickz The Humble One

    Joined:
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  4. Poetickz

    Poetickz The Humble One

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]
    Until now very few in this life have gotten to choose how they die
    so I'm going out with a joke, wearing a noose as my tie
    reviewing the ride, and questioning the man who is inside
    but none of that matters, only the love true to my eyes.
    I Walk to the dining room, embracing each blessed step
    of life and wondering what they're making for breakfast
    every breath of fresh air straining my senses
    adding pain 'till I'm restless, I sit down shaking from tenseness
    my Kid's proclaim their consensus, and explain their objections
    calling me insane, inane, deranged saying that I may need a medic
    but those games are pathetic. Nothing can change where I'm headed
    So I end it by putting my best foot forward, on the way to my deathbed

    We arrived on the premises, greeted by a guy who was dressed to kill
    he offered a tour, his sincere smiling was effortless
    the kids' crying kept piling the endless guilt
    what I saw forced chills down my spine and caused legs to twitch
    the air smelled of shit, filled with flying Cadavers
    rising in catapults, then flung until they violently splatter
    The screams trailed until they brought new meaning to mind over matter
    the vilest of laughter was heard as men jumped onto spikes from their ladders
    suicide for the hags too, euthanized in electric hair parlors
    fried until they looked and smelled like septic tank water
    and folks who cant find death with their partner
    steadily wandered into spa's until they'd melt in the sauna
    Bikers rode their Harleys off ramps to their graves
    literally, buried where they landed and splattered their brains
    even nerds got a castle with mechanical dragon and flames
    everything graphically plain until their bones would shatter and break
    The tour guide starts throwing refreshments of Vicodin loaded in thin mints
    Pointing at every stop and making joking suggestions

    "This is an Amusement park to fuse the art of death with you patrons
    That line of old guys are popping Viagra to die with sex on their faces
    With their wives ready to take it and wearing chokers to help
    So they get strangled into the best dream composed without guilt
    This is George Bush's solution to population control
    I pay social security taxes to keep this place on a roll!"
    We go up a hill and see concession stands of poisonous treats
    Arsenic margaritas for alcoholics go with a drink
    Along with radioactive churros that are glowing bright pink
    A buffet of so many things, I don't know what to eat
    So many options to choose, although I'm still jockin this noose
    To be hung and dropped in a pool of blood slopped in with drool
    That's when I see it, a vision perfected to render me breathless
    Within a necklace and there's no line to extend when my death is

    I get their quickly and admire as I'm impressed with this method
    A huge rubber band is in place, I'm having fun jus getting to stretch it
    A bungee chord is tied to my neck as I lie on my back
    In a human slingshot so before I die, my flight will be mapped
    Not too violent I guess, the air rushes me as gravity’s forces
    have me so excited I'm crappin my shorts and dropping scat on all sources
    People are ducking below, but then my body peaks like I'm sucked in a hole
    Plummeting slowly, then going so fast the force is punching my soul
    Knowing as soon as I land, I'm going to explode
    My eyes open to hold the journey of life while closing off the roads

    [​IMG]
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  5. Bonnie Bathory

    Bonnie Bathory New Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    She's just barely nineteen, still sweet and full of dreams
    Though her past seems far less serene than pulling teeth
    Not for drama queen roles, she's from her own mold
    Surprises grown folk with how she acts so old and so bold
    But never cold though she's grown from the meanest breed
    She rose to beam her own gleam of decency
    Voiding the creed of her genes, first of their seed to be seen
    As a kind human being with no desire to be mean
    Despite their spite and their greed she learned life differently
    And aspires to teach children with learning deficiencies
    She could be an old soul, but it's probably better said
    She's Heaven sent, to grow warm from such a cold home
    But she strays from praise- so
    She prefers to lay low
    A little shy for her age, though
    When she's on stage- to portray ho,
    She claims the main show
    Every day- gaining fans with her fame's growth
    And though her names known shes remains so graceful
    Not vain though men chase her and none have been able
    To claim her, cuz her fame hasn't changed her
    Dancing to pay for her school, not for some fool to save her
    But these true steel blue eyes debuted to her side view
    And queued a surprise mood she had yet to be wise to
    One she could abide to, though seeming to slice through
    Her gut to her heart, it felt so right inside too
    And she had tried to brush aside her desire to be beside
    This man with piercing eyes whose stare seemed to coincide
    With her wide, fixated stare, across the club colliding
    In an allied glare implying they'd make the perfect pair
    But It couldn't be denied, and though many men had tried
    It was him who'd caught her eye though she couldn't reason why
    But even the highest keep of pride can plummet
    When butterflies collide deep inside your stomach
    And seemingly intune with that he seemed to know he'd need to
    Make the first move, it was nothing he was new to
    Her stunning glance had made him second guess his chance
    But he advanced regardless to romance this girl entranced
    "I don't want a dance from you or to get inside your pants,
    No offense, I just wanna have a drink and make some plans.
    I'd like to take you out, and maybe hold your hand and talk
    So, maybe when you're off, we can hang and take a walk."
    There was no pause that preceeded her acceptance
    Because she hadn't seen a reason to consider to reject him
    And though it was several hours 'til she had finished working
    He had waited, watching, drinking in a darkened corner lurking
    He was so delicious looking he didn't seemed suspicious
    She was so impressed by how he'd flirted so ambitious
    But he'd quickly become vicious once they were out of sight
    He raped and choked her violently when she screamed for her life
    And when he finished, he slit her throat and watched her lying there
    While laughing at the horror of the whore left dying there
    It was nothing he was new to, Ted Bundy had killed many
    Women he felt steady worked too slutty for their pennys
    When he was finally caught derranged, he didn't feel ashamed
    He felt he'd done the world a favor leaving slutty bitches maimed

    "Habitual Liar"
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  6. Bonnie Bathory

    Bonnie Bathory New Member

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    wo0t w0ot I guess it wasn't late afterall =]
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  7. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

    Votes Up!!!!!
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  8. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
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    19,109
    a nice cheerful battle ..

    Poe - ok .. now I get this .. but I don't get this .. what did I miss? .. is this some kinda cult commiting mass suicide or something? .. or are we at a theme park called Euthanasia? .. a very weird story this .. it made sense without making sense .. lol .. anyways .. the telling of this tale was done to a good enough standard to hold weight beyond some random content .. the vocab was straight but the flow was lacking .. I really dunno what to say though .. the writing itself was solid enough .. but the read was just strange and just left me thinking "wtf?" .. lol .. nice though .. I guess .. [dunno] ..

    Bon - more straight forward to read and undertsand the idea .. you're quite a morbid character aren't you Bonnie? .. that avatar is misleading .. lol .. well this was an alright read .. it flowed better than Poe's and as far as content in relation to concept goes .. it made more sense too .. it was pretty cool to not be obvious about the 'main' character here .. which was Ted rather than the lady .. not a bad piece ..

    Vote = Poetickz .. I know the idea of what happened was a little .. actually more than 'a little' .. mad! .. but I thought he went about telling this story with a lot of flare .. good descriptive work and although it had a shakey flow .. I think overall it was a more well rounded and better written piece than Bonnie's ..
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  9. Poetickz

    Poetickz The Humble One

    Joined:
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    ^yes it is a euthaniziing theme park

    cant believe u missed that part
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  10. Bonnie Bathory

    Bonnie Bathory New Member

    Joined:
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    ^ hmm ya, interesting vote... mine 'flowed better & made more sense' but yours was 'better written', lol... dude must've been tired...
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  11. Alias2

    Alias2 rumbrave.

    Joined:
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    ummm.. okay i get it but its not really that good to be honest.. More a good idea but very poorly worked even though the wording was on point for the majority of it.. Feeling the flow on this.. but the constantly forced multis just make it a chore to read for me and a lot of the lines come off awkward and forced and blahzay. I expected more from a two time poet tree champ. Also that ending was just like WTF how does that even tie in with the picture? Looks like you just tacked that on to an old piece and posted. Not a big fan of this. Bonnie had the better concept, executed well, simplistically but understandable instantlly and something the board can relate to. I also prefer her style a lot more overall, it comes off a let more real and to the point and direct with it. I also felt she did more with her topic and Poes seemed really rushed toward the end with a horrible dusted ending after a decent build up that could of been halfed in all honesty. It got boring as hell the longer it dragged on. Bonnie kept my attention and had the more entertaining of the two verses

    readability is a major factor for me. Content > rushed forced mechanics

    Vote - bonnie bathory
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  12. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
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    13,681
    poe - I think you're a girl, not literally but for pm'ing jook telling him you don't want me voting on your match, especially cause although I slept on you doesn't mean i'm going to hate vote on you...I loved this piece, take out the George Bush line beacuse it really has no place or purpose and this piece is killer, the imagery is spot on, the creativity really flourishes...it's an amusement park where you get to choose how you die, that's phenomenal...the writing itself could have been better, but yea, I enjoyed this very much.

    Bonnie - I'ma be honest, I thought you didn't have a chance to win this once I read Poe's piece, but damn girl...This piece just flowed so naturally and I grew to relate with the character so much that it really drew me in...the imagery played perfectly and there was never a moment when I was snagged by anything other than the story you held my attention all the way through and you ended it perfectly...the only thing I would say is that when you hinted he didn't look suspicious I felt as though something bad was due to happen, that's the only part I would alter to really make the ending capture the reader more off guard.

    What you have here is definitely the match of the week, on Poe's side you have a really creative piece with solid mechanics...on Bonnie's side you have the emotion, character development, and depth of a great story.

    Essentially I'm going to vote for Bonnie.

    I think if Poe gave reasoning behind the Euthanasia it would make more sense, instead it was just a really crazy idea without any real motive...To me life has meaning, and death even moreso must possess meaning, not necessarily in actuality as some death seems meaningless, but in good writing, it must.

    This is definitely one that will come down to personal preference though and if it doesn't get Match of the Week, someone got robbed.

    It's all good Jook, I still felt like giving a detailed breakdown to both and letting them know what it is, especially since i've never shown any hate towards poe, I just didn't find him to be all that good...
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  13. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

    Got Life your vote doesn't count in this match bro, I told you that via PM.
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  14. Smoke Trail

    Smoke Trail Writing My Life

    Joined:
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    Poetikz
    This was good, but I didn't really like the idea you used, well it wasnt actually the idea, but it is so extreme i would expect more from it, Most everything else is good, the writing could be a little better, but the idea is good but no executed. I feel you thought the idea of your piece would overpower the other persons and maybe thought ppl would sway your way since all the hype

    Bonnie Bathory
    All the hype and everything would have you losing this match easily huh? Well I will have to say until the end i had poetikz winning this bkus it seemed it was starting to bore me, but like some others i have read, the best part is a twist that catches someone's attention to bring them back into the piece. You kind of gave away what was going to happen with the LURKING line, but you gave it another twist adding the Bundy part, God wORK

    cLOSE Very Close but VOTE= Bonnie
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  15. .ApoGee.

    .ApoGee. Keep The Peace.

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2007
    Messages:
    162
    Poe- This was a good Piece. The Imagery was there, you portraying the road to death to a amusment park was good. This was well written, the word-choices we're flawless. The Emotion/Tone from your character showing feelings of committing suicide was good, decent. The flow of this piece was ok, It didn't really gave me a motive to keep reading your piece though, cause the flow overall was choppy in some places. Switch your rhyme-scheme up. The concept was ok but the 'content' of this piece wasn't there. It kind of seemed, you ramble on without 'sense' and this took away alot of interest in your piece. All in all, Good Piece.

    Bonnie- Nice!. The flow was much better thans Poe. The best element in youor piece was the Imagery. You had so much detailing words in your piece and the word-choices you've wrote we're amazing. It really Pulled me in. The Emotion/Tone set in this Piece was good, I really felt your character. It would've been better if you switched 'views' on how the girl felt when she was being raped, I kind of felt you rushed at the end and it disappointed me somewhat but it was good. The content is another 'good' element in your piece that kept me reading. Unlike Poe verse, you was more straight foward and some straight foward pieces have a problem with 'building' up their story-line but you, You did it perfectly.

    V/ Bonnie, overall better verse. 1luv.
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  16. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

    VOTES DUE: Sunday 8 PM PST. 4 votes per participant, POST LINKS in your match. Each link not posted will result in a 1 vote deduction up to 6 votes obviously. 2 VOTES WILL BE DEDUCTED IF YOU DONT VOTE ON THE CHAMP MATCH, AND ANOTHER TWO DEDUCTED IF YOU DONT VOTE ON THE CONTENDERSHIP.


    PEOPLE LOST LAST WEEK BECAUSE OF IT
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  17. $1.50

    $1.50 New Member

    Joined:
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    Poetikz --- Your first two lines drew me in. The medic line was forced, because why would you need a medic if in fact you were deranged, and you also misspelled insane in that line. The electric hair parlors was creative. Matter of fact that whole stanza is ill, I like the nerd/mechanical dragon shit too. I would have liked you to elaborate more on the George Bush and social security lines, because they just seem out of place with the story a bit. They fit, but just seem a bit stretched in a sense. This was by far one of the more creative stories I read this week. The detail you disclosed about the park and different methods of dying was absolutely wonderful. So most of the story was about the park more than the character and I think that hurt it a little bit, I would have liked more character introduction and familiarization. With that being said I am on to read Bonnies Piece.

    Bonnie --- First brownie points, because I used a 19 year old lady as the main character in my piece. As I am reading your piece, it actually reminds me of my own with the main show/stay low so on and so forth. Let's see where it's headed.
    Oh snap, heh dancing huh? I wrote about a dancer too! Let me continue. When butterflies collide deep inside your stomach has to be one the best metaphors I've read lately. Good work. "Because she hadn't seen a reason to consider to reject him" <- bad language. You didn't need to put consider to in it at all. Oh the dancer in my story was killed too! Awesome heh. Did it take a turn though, who saw Ted Bundy coming lol. That was a good twist of story. Okay so wrapping up, this was a rape piece, good character development, would have liked a little more build up to the climax of it being Ted Bundy, but other than that very cool piece.

    vote is going to be for Poetikz, he was the stronger writing in a sense of story telling, narrative voice, imagery and description, but bonnie had flow. The votes look like their going Bonnies way though, so Bonnie good luck next week.
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  18. S. Issue

    S. Issue Who?

    Joined:
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    908
    Poe: youre really writing from a quite unique and deranged point of view here. i get the whole theme park idea and how it correlates to the picture. i feel like, had you built up some kind of foreshadowing event, like a commercial on tv or something about the park, it would have made it more ominous and seemed more well placed in this piece. overall though, scheme worked and so did your imagery etc. descriptively conveyed with a great sense of what you were going for. i think this is such an interesting take on this piece. must have been fun to write.

    BB: well, this piece is cool to me because im so interested in serial murder. i think you did a pretty decent job of getting heavy images and ominous descriptions in. though i would have liked to do a more serious and well-educated job of portraying Bundy. his victims were often strangled or bludgeoned, and he only went after college age girls of middle-class homes. so having him just happen to attack a girl in a strip club is off the beaten path as far as history is concerned. he was also very educated and charismatic, which you caught, but to have him situated in this kind of establishment really doesnt ring true of his character as seen by pathologists and his habits. i would have really liked it if the character, who is major historically, would have been more accurately portrayed.

    vote: Poe...the story was better written in many ways: mechanics were better, scheme was more followable, and Poe did not hesitate to go where he needed to go with it, while i think Bonnie could have benefited from a little extra research.
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  19. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
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    I will actually entertain you with answers .. *not a freepost* ..

    it's not about missing the content .. I read it .. I'm talking about the actual (possible) reality behind it .. that Bush line coulda been (and was) taken as more of a metaphorical statement .. but still .. I did mean more about the mind set of the piece .. like this kinda mass suicide shit is more cult related in its phenomina(sp?) .. so why use it? .. it was just "out there" by a bigger than standard margin in the concept .. but I enjoyed it still ..

    nope .. I was awake .. yours 'made more sense' because it was straight forward .. that does NOT make it a better written piece .. far from it .. the most bland and boring read can make a LOT more sense than some nonsensical but mechanically far superior verse .. better written = vocab/style/imagery/descriptive work/emotional work .. etc. etc. .. and flow is not only hard to judge in text .. it really doesn't factor a great deal in voting on text pieces unless 1 is very very sub par when it comes to 'flow' ..

    thank you and g'night ..
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  20. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
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    25,850
    hmm, interesting match here

    poetickz, your flow and wording was the worst part here, although it was good at times it fell short in others and hurt the read, the actual idea however was very creative and i think you did a fairly well job of executing the plot/idea, all in all it was a pretty enjoyable read, i read it a few days ago so forgive me if this breakdown seems short

    bonnie, honestly i think this verse was far too easy, the best part of the verse was the beginning and towards the middle which really held no weight being that the main/most important part of the verse lacked severely to me which is the ending, it was far too abrupt and you missed a major chance to seal the deal with imagery and descriptions, in the end a good verse turned out to be just as cliche as the rest and the actual content to me just didnt outweigh the creativeness of poe's story, it was just another serial killer piece in which you also opted to choose an already known murderer so that you didnt have to describe the actual killer in the piece, instead you described the victim which really worked to me in the beginning but the ending was such a let down, good take i suppose on the habitual liar topic and good mechanics otherwise, the flow was on point to start and so were the descriptions, overall this was a worthy drop

    but in the end, i think one piece was more entertaining than the other and stood out in my memory more and that is poetickz, his idea was creative and damn near outstanding although his writing may have been outshined by his actual plot/storyline, but bonnie's writing was good as well altough i think her plot took little thought and the verse took little effort and the ending didnt compliment the beginning

    so, vote - poetickz
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