CONTENDERS MATCH: 3. FloR 3-0 VS 4. Doyen 95-19

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by TeKneeK, Jun 19, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
    May 3, 1999
    Messages:
    27,822
    [​IMG]

    LINE LIMITS:
    4 lines NO-SHOW
    12 lines MINIMUM
    48 lines MAXIMUM

    62 lines MAXIMUM - CONTENDERS & TITLE MATCH ONLY!



    VERSES DUE:
    Friday 10:00pm PST/1:00am EST

    VOTES DUE:
    Sunday 10:00pm PST/1:00am EST

    TOPICS:
    Topics will be provided at the beginning of the week so that everyone has ample time to get involved.

    VOTING:
    You must vote on 5 matches and post URL's on your thread of matches u voted for.

    -You must use the HIDDEN VOTES UBB CODE to conceal your votes. Votes must be hidden! To hide a vote, first thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. The last thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, a backslash “/”, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. Unhidden votes will not count.

    - No HIDDEN CODES? - That vote DOES NOT COUNT - You must vote on another match and use HIDDEN CODES!

    -FORMER CHAMPS are allowed to vote for any match (but only 3 matches max).

    -Crew Votes are illegal.

    -1 vote is taken away for each vote you fail to do.

    -1 vote is taken away for each URL you fail to post on your thread.

    -No Show Winners must vote also! - Your thread will be kept open to post URL's.

    -Tiebreakers will be determined by the Moderators when the week winds down.

    ALTERNATES:
    If your opponent NO-SHOWS, and you posted a full verse you will be bumped up appropriately to face the next person in the brackets within your range. If no opponent is available such as if you were in the bottom 20 and the next up no show is in the top 10 then you will be given a win for your efforts. You must still vote on 5 matches accordingly as any failure to vote will result in no win and no progress in the ranks. The only event other than this in which you may take the no show win is if you only did post a no-show verse which consists of 4 rhyming lines.

    Topics:
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=992099

    test
  2. HellRzah

    HellRzah PurE EviL

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2001
    Messages:
    8,824
    checking in
    might use this one as a topic: "Follow the Leader"
    but idunno yet
    good luck
    test
  3. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2001
    Messages:
    5,344
    test
  4. HellRzah

    HellRzah PurE EviL

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2001
    Messages:
    8,824
    yeah...whatever
    test
  5. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2001
    Messages:
    5,344
    Parents Just Don't Understand


    So it begins…
    parents think they know the problem yet they only pretend
    they have theirs ideas of where it begins but don’t know where it ends
    you’re a prisoner in your own home the loneliness stems
    a branch to the tree of life, you take a hold of a glimpse
    to this reality that can be seen through the hole in the fence
    a life time of bottled stressed…yes your soul’ll be tense
    when you try to tell em what’s wrong but you’re alone in this shit
    now throwing a fit’s the only way for them to notice your scent
    the aroma’s intense, you feel as if you can die any minute
    they lay the ground rules then wanna say the sky is the limit
    contradicting themselves, it helps…yea! If I could forget it
    but who forgets there own parents being your guide in to sinning
    am I condescending…of course! When the reason’s a spoof
    getting punished for talking back when I was speaking the truth
    asking opened ended questions, expecting for me to dispute
    you see what they do is try to trick us and then lead us into
    unreasonable actions half of us receive this abuse
    verbally but the other half of us just scream and we bruise
    it’s seen in the proof from the face of a scarred teen in it’s youth
    and when mom and dad’s confronted they try to flee with excuse
    believe it it’s true…we need space but they confine us
    saying we can go out, but we turn around and they’re behind us
    it’s like a telepathic strangle, where they only keep us alive just
    to make life a living hell, but they’ve taught us that suicide sucks
    well if I must…I guess that I’ll bash and disrespect em
    flipping my father off telling mom she can kiss my rectum
    “you wanna know my problem” well…. you got a kid… protect em
    Treat em like people cause you have an image and it reflects em
    You wanna suggestion, don’t think milk stays fresh and it never sours
    And if you claim you miss your child, get a job with better hours
    Buying gifts wont make up for shit, you’re both already cowards
    You’ll see my middle finger clearer after confetti showers
    Cause every hour you’re not here you come up with different reasons
    Then you complain when grades are low or assignments are incompleted
    Remember my essay paper? Oh I forgot, you didn’t read it
    Well it explained how much I loved you, but now I should switch the meaning
    Go ahead to your shitty meetings, have fun, then tell me how
    You cant make it to my game, but explain what your next sales about
    You do real estate, but in the realer state you failed you child
    So mom, dad…? When you get this message can you please come bail me out

    test
  6. HellRzah

    HellRzah PurE EviL

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2001
    Messages:
    8,824
    Follow the leader volume 1


    Unleashed to kill..I use to love the thrill...
    but now I gotta say killing gives me the chills...
    uncurable with pills...
    forgetting moments of memories that past...
    in this vast darkness I became heartless fast...
    I was considered a hero but I felt like an outcast...
    fighting for no reason untill the last man stands...
    and it was in this land of utter chaos and shattered hope...
    that in a choice between death it was life that mattered most...
    and where you had to cope with the loss of friends and mates...
    I was in a horrendous state..just been shot in the legg...
    horrified as I awoke..I don't kno' how much more I could take...
    it was my big mistake to volunteer and sign my rigid faith...
    all this pain and hate..it's time to dash all that back...
    as I close my eyes I get visions of war and flashbacks...

    It was a dark night..the moon was the only light around...
    except for red flash baggs enlighting a small town...
    we all frowned..we was told to get down to the ground...
    to hold our heads down cause the enemey was bound to be around...
    but we didn't hear one sound..that's when we moved forward...
    and I guess I had feeling this was gonna be a decisive moment...
    we were hit by mortars and men where screaming out in torment...
    my face covered with mudd and sand..all I could do is stare...
    ripped up body parts here and there..how much more could I bare...
    and like he didn't care the commander screamed "follow my lead"...
    and like a howling breed we did..wishing we would be freed...
    that we would succeed..but with a platoon of ten men strong...
    we didn't make a chance even if our guns were ten times as long...
    and that's where it went wrong..shots fired..only three men left...
    I crept into a safe-hole to safe me from curtain death...
    only me, the commander and a rookie..we were alone...
    behind enemy line you'll find that we're in hell's zone...
    no hope for retreat..we had to fight our way out...
    bullets fly round my head and took the rookie down...
    the commander was wounded..I took his arm around me...
    and ran as fast as I could but the enemy surrounded me...
    hunting us down see with many bullets flying us by...
    and it didn't seem like they wanted us captured alive...
    the commander said to leave him and save my own live...
    so I left him giving him my handgun and my knife...
    as I ran I heard screaming..the commander took a beating...
    I was thinking that's the last time I would follow a leader...
    test
  7. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
    May 3, 1999
    Messages:
    27,822
    uppin over NS
    test
  8. HellRzah

    HellRzah PurE EviL

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2001
    Messages:
    8,824
    test
  9. Wise-Punchlines

    Wise-Punchlines Better THAN the game

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2000
    Messages:
    3,075
    [hide]Good battle..breakdown..

    Vern i think you captured every teens exact feelnigs..i loved your verse..Your flow was great throughout the multi's kept it goign smooth..i loved your last two line you sell real estate but in the realer state you failed your kid..thats shits hot..your vocab was there as always in your verses..a good verse overal

    Flor i wasnt really feeling your first part something was juss throwin me off when i was reading it but once you got to the italisized part you really turned your verse around..your flow got better you were more descriptive but the ending was predictable i guess..both good verses but i give this one to vern[/hide]
    test
  10. UneekTestimony

    UneekTestimony New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2003
    Messages:
    8,857
    [hide]Damn, me and Vern did the same shit this week, but it seems like everyone did the same shit this week. But holy shit@Vern's piece. I really liked my piece, but this was a whole other route...a whole different dopeness. Wow. Probably one of my favorite pieces up to date. Your flow was on point and your transitions were real smooth. I was feeling this most def. Your first like 16 lines were on point, but this line hit me:

    You wanna suggestion, don’t think milk stays fresh and it never sours
    And if you claim you miss your child, get a job with better hours

    ^Whoa. Deep stuff. Realtalk all over this part. Simple yet effective.

    I'm usually big on critiquing, but your verse didn't really have anything to critique. It was felt. Point blank.

    FloR, pretty cool story. My favorite part was the first stanza, but after that it didn't really grab my attention, like the first part did. Your flow was alright for the most part, but your transitioning should be tweaked a little bit to make your story more standout and have an interest factor in relation to getting across to initial content of the storyline. The last lines for example, beating/leader do not rhyme, at all. My suggestion is to say your piece out loud to see if they rhyming is on point/makes sense. Your main problem seems to be your the basic writing mechanisms, which are maintaining a stable writers voice in a story, flow, transition, etc. Your imagery was cool, but nothing crazy outstanding. Compared to your pieces the past few weeks this was average.

    This battle in all honesty is easy to vote on this week, Vern just had what it took to win.

    v/Vern[/hide]
    test
  11. mirage1

    mirage1 The One and Only

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2005
    Messages:
    757
    would vote but....
    test
  12. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2002
    Messages:
    17,838
    [hide] very strong verse Vern. Vote Vern. I mean, in all honestly Flor's just seemed to drag a little too much for me. The flow was decent and the story was fine, but it didn't hold me as much as vern's did. Vern's verse seemed to be packed with emotion and for me that helps the read and the appeal! My vote as said before=Vern[/hide]
    test
  13. 2Xtreme

    2Xtreme a.k.a. Mad Static 4:14

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2004
    Messages:
    1,231
    [hide]

    ok.......

    Vern Acular- I could sense your anger in this one. You took the topic and you ran with it, in other words, you were able to take your story, and really reflect on it, as if you were in the kid's shoes. You had good vocabulary in this, but there could've been a better rhyme scheme to make the flow more interesting. It's complex yet in a way it's simple, but that's not a bad thing at all.

    Flor- You gave a good outing in this one. Giving us a look into a war and the violence surrounding it. A good rhyme scheme in this one as well as the vocabulary painting the picture as well as incorporating the multis in some to most parts of the verse. Impressed on how you used this topic.

    Despite a few errors in spelling as well, This was pretty much even, and this was really hard, but on the points I made, I'm gonna give this one to Flor, but Vern damn near had this one no doubt.

    [/hide]
    test
  14. Julius Caesar

    Julius Caesar Born with Pain

    Joined:
    May 14, 2006
    Messages:
    152
    [hide]
    Vern- I felt you came so dope at this Topic. The Concept, the Topic was the concept you've just expand it at greater length and in a good meaning. The flow of your verse/rhyme scheme was superb decent. The approach to the Topic was kinda vague, but overall good work. The Imagination was good, detailed and very well explainatory. The Emotion toward the ending, I felt was good. I can't say Much about your piece, cause this was Flawless!

    My fav Lines were:
    Treat em like people cause you have an image and it reflects em
    You wanna suggestion, don’t think milk stays fresh and it never sours
    And if you claim you miss your child, get a job with better hours
    Buying gifts wont make up for shit, you’re both already cowards
    You’ll see my middle finger clearer after confetti showers

    .....I laughed and took in this part. Word!

    Flor- Alright man. This was a cool verse, very emotional like. Not very much detailed emotion though, so your imaginary was kinda weak. The concept was good, I like how you approached it, you had some little grammar problems which didn't really messed up your verse just your flow a little and the transation toward the ending. Um..I'm not awe at your verse and honestly your verse is average to me. No hate. Overall good verse, keep writing, I'll be watching you when you hit that contendor spot.

    My vote goes to Vern, He just completely wowed me with his verse, Um..His transation was perfect, the flow was good, the emotion was good, the imaginary was good. Fuck It...Vote Vern
    [/hide]
    test
  15. Keynote

    Keynote aka Jux Czar

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2002
    Messages:
    208
    [hide]geez theres some talented writeres in the league. i was highly impressed by both verses.

    Ven your verse was on point. it conveyed alot of messages while still sticking to a main story, and the words u used to convey your topic was well designed. and there was nothing in your verse i felt lacked. great read, i liked the ending, it kinda touched a nerve.

    Flor your battle story was deep, intriguing and well executed. i liked the little intro, that really brought me into the story even more.

    vote-Flor
    his verse just caught me as a reader, and appealed to me alot more.

    GREAT battle tho[/hide]
    test
  16. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    [hide]

    Flor...so this was a cool piece although the pace that it started with didn't really captivate my interests much...the story picked up well though as it went along and it was a good read, although I can definitely see you approaching more interesting topics and expanding your horizons...this piece was to "cookie cutter" for me I guess...and another thing I would work on if I were you would be to expand my scheme...

    Vern...the flow was smooth man...and the read moved along really easily never really snagging anywhere which allowed me to enjoy the piece more...It was a decent approach to the topic, but nothing really over the top and a rather generic piece here as well...

    what it came down to though is that Vern's piece was more polished so I have to give him my vote...

    [/hide]
    test
  17. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2001
    Messages:
    5,344
    test
  18. T.r.oo.p

    T.r.oo.p .:Im'a G between F & H:.

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2004
    Messages:
    64
    [hide]Flor-U had a nice story line here..decent imagery..could of used
    better wordplay..thats a key insert in any topical..the better
    the vocab the better..Doyen didnt come with alot of vocab
    neitheir...both of u lacked in that...your verse was good
    but i felt myself drawing away from it towards the middle
    good enough drop..but not enough 2 win

    Doyen-u kinda lacked vocab here..but u had a witty verse
    kinda made me smerk at times...u approached the topic
    from a good view...you had a nice flow..kinda like an audio
    didnt jus talk and use fillers...everything connected

    Overall...Dope battle from both

    V/Doyen[/hide]
    test
  19. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
    May 3, 1999
    Messages:
    27,822
    NO-Showers who vote are ok to vote.. so i wont take troop's vote away...
    there is no rule stating that votes are illegal for people who no-showed..

    and since voting is so scarce.. itll be allowed.

    done.
    test
  20. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2001
    Messages:
    5,344
    lol as hard as it is to get people to vote, and you penalize someone for voting cause they no-showed, where in the rules does it say if you no show you cant vote,omg, maybe i should mod the league again
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)