Contender's Match: 3. Athiest 38-11 VS 4. Adderal xr 30 2-0

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by DiC GeTs GuLLy, Aug 7, 2006.

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  1. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

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    THE RAP MUSIC STORY TELLING/TOPICAL LEAGUE

    Due Dates

    VERSES DUE: Friday 12:00am PST/3:00am EST
    Verses posted after the deadline will not count!

    VOTES DUE Sunday: 12:00am PACIFIC/1:00 Midnight EST
    Votes posted after the deadline will not count!

    • Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.
    • Verses must incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.
    • Anyone who does not post at least 4 rap lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.
    • During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.
    • Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a “show” but will not result in a match. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent posts between 16-64, you will lose the match but you will remain in the league. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent does not show, you will “Win by no-show”.

    Voting:
    • If you do not show you can’t vote. This is a league of writers. The right is reserved for the people who are actually writing. If you’re not writing, then you have no business voting at all unless you’re an ex champ. This will allow people to just sign up with their alias, not post a verse and vote in their own match. That’s too fuckin fraudulent for me to allow. No verse posted, no voting privileges.
    • Votes must be hidden! To hide a vote, first thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. The last thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, a backslash “/”, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. Unhidden votes will not count towards the match or towards your vote requirements.
    • Votes must dedicate at least 2 lines of break down for each verse. This means your sentence(s) must reach the end of the screen and wrap around twice, even if only one word is on the third line.
    • No second chance votes! You are not allowed to edit your votes, but if there is a problem with your computer like there often is with mine and your vote doesn’t post, then explain what happened in your reason for editing. If done within a reasonable time from your original post, exceptions can be made.
    • No bias votes! If you have a personal investment in wanting someone to lose, whether because that member voted against you once, or you just don’t like that person, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match. If have a personal investment in wanting someone to win, whether because they’re crew member, or because you want to face that person in the next week’s brackets, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match.
    • ”Bias” must be confirmed by a Moderator.
    • If there is a match which you will not be able to vote on, due to “Bias” of any type, state so within your match prior to Verses Due Deadline. If this reduces the number of matches available for you to vote on to the point where you are unable to vote on at least 4 matches, the point scale will be adjusted according to how many matches you do vote on.
    • 3-ways are inevitable. In order to provide a tie-breaker in a 3-way, you are now required to indicate in what order the contestants finished (1st, 2nd, 3rd).
      anyone who does not show or vote is suspended one week and must sign-in again to be inserted the following week.

    Detailed rules can be found here:
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=968061

    Topics here:
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1002100
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  2. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,707
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  3. Adderall XR 30

    Adderall XR 30 New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    80
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  4. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2002
    Messages:
    1,707
    Topic: A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her

    A Journey to Self - Part I: The Ties That Bind…

    He grasped her hips
    then pulled her close…her hand wrapped in his,
    as his fingertip dipped into the sapor of her sanguine lips.
    “I love you,” he said,
    having already expressed it more than once,
    as they lay angled in bed, entangled in a euphoric clutch
    of arms and dangling legs…this was more than love,
    more than just casual sex, more than a stolen touch
    of life’s seedy side. This was something you feel inside;
    a treasure you should forever try to keep alive.

    Her chest was heaving high, each breath parted her lips.
    Then she released a sigh as her finger started to twitch.
    “I’ve got to go, you know?” she quickly interrupted,
    as she leant forward, pulling back the bed’s linen covers.
    “Just stay with me,” Carl replied, trying to grab her leg,
    even though he knew this moment would have to end.

    “You know I can’t,” she said, her skin’s complexion
    illuminated as she stood in the moonlight’s incandescence.
    So he nodded knowingly,
    and watched her reach for her dress on the floor
    as he forced a smile, “Your money’s on the desk by the door.”
    She got up, counted the notes and bobbed her head in silence
    then stuffed the cash in her purse…
    and left the room of her most regular client. (20)

    * * * * *

    Carl sat on his balcony,
    looking down from his window’s vantage at the city’s canvas,
    watching the parasites pace its filthy granite.
    Someday a real rain will come
    and wash all this scum off the streets
    ,”
    he mumbled discreet, as he began to unbutton his sleeves.

    He suddenly dreamed of ‘Star’,
    the woman he’d slept with the night before,
    the woman he loved…even though she was a feisty ‘whore’
    who had sex for a living, probably with the rest of his building
    since this was a seedy hotel
    where people came for sex in the city.
    But he wanted her away from this life, away from the lights
    of a stranger’s apartment, away from the troublesome nights
    of dangers and hardships.
    Cause she was that one piece of innocence
    caught up in a world too full of decay and bitterness.

    Suddenly he heard a crash from the apartment beside him;
    a symphony of clashes and bangs that erupted in violence.
    He could hear a woman’s cry, and sounds of muffled laughter
    coming from a man Carl knew was a fucking bastard.

    “GET AWAY FROM ME!” she yelled,
    her face contorted in fear,
    “Why you gotta be like this!? I’ve known you for years!”
    “SHUT UP!” he barked his rude response,
    showing a clear indication he was in no mood to talk. (40)
    “PLEASE,” she begged, just about uttering the words
    before he smacked her face so hard it shuddered her nerves.
    And he bashed her again; this time her torso was hit
    with such strength a rib cracked from the force of his fist.

    Carl banged his apartment wall; “Hey! Keep it silent.
    Some of us are trying to catch a bit of peace and quiet.”
    “FUCK YOU!” the man outrageously barked
    in return, with a tone so savage it could awaken the Gods.

    Carl b.olted upright in his chair…he’d lost his patience,
    so he darted for his neighbour’s door, yelling ultimatums.
    “MAN, I ASKED POLITELY!
    YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO FUCKING SHOUT!”
    But when the door snatched open,
    he saw Star on the bed with a bloodied mouth.
    And Carl lost it. He grabbed the man and head locked him,
    then bashed his skull off the wall till he fell unconscious.

    “YOU’RE GONNA KILL HIM!”
    Star screamed as her feelings let loose.
    “SO WHAT!?” Carl replied, “I’m only trying to protect you!”
    “I don’t need rescued,” she began, her voice slightly cold,
    “I know the dangers of this job…but that’s the life I chose.”

    “But I wanted to protect you from that,”
    Carl said as he slammed the door.
    “And what’s ‘that’?”
    she asked.
    “Well, the fact is…you’re a whore.” (60)
    She suddenly slapped him as her heart shattered in two,
    and she couldn’t say a word, so she just ran from the room.
    “But Star…” he called,
    his voice shaking his hardened frame,
    but there came no answer, and he’d never see Star again.



    To be continued…
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  5. Adderall XR 30

    Adderall XR 30 New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    80
    As the lights dim, a hush spreads over the crowd.
    Every part is in place and thus the composer is now
    Ready to open the shroud and offer his greatest piece
    To all who are present; it's impressive to say the least.
    It starts with the clarinets chirping like some love birds
    Joined by the growls of oboes, while the drums serve
    To connote a mood of nervous, yet pleasant bliss.
    Not overbearing, but loud enough so that the message hits.


    They met in an earnest fashion; absurd attraction
    Consumed them both and soon they were immersed in passion.
    Conversing at length, at first, about credulous questions
    But moving on to new songs when restlessness set in.
    Every second spent in the presence of each other was splendid.
    No second guesses, everything went as intended.
    Impressed by the respective presentations presented
    They officially tied the knot with no hesitation attested.

    Just then, a swell of horns and trumpets blare with clarity.
    The crowd rises to applaud with a rare sincerity
    Barely seen at concert halls; the second movement starts
    With piccolos playing a smooth but dark melody
    Over a bassoon's jabs and a harps heavenly notes.
    The trombone that a gentleman steadily blows
    Lends the perfect conversion toward a more disturbing vibe
    That leaves the entire audience unnerved inside.


    The wedding was typical and the honeymoon was peachy.
    Yet deep inside, he felt like there were depths he wasn't reaching.
    He wanted to trust her, and he never dug exploring.
    But, something wasn't making sense about his lover's story.
    Meanwhile, she caught him in lies a gob full of times.
    Yet, never brought it up, instead it clogged up inside.
    As she swallowed her pride, a foul vindictiveness simmered
    Until their blissfulness withered and autumn slipped into winter,

    Crashing symbols and pounding bass drums are joined with
    A cruel array of violins as destructive as poison.
    Wondrous noises bellow from the cello assembly
    And the tuba's force has the hall's walls steadily trembling.
    Then the bottom drops out of the medley, nothing by strings provide
    A bitter-sweet sound until the chief decides it's time to
    Deliver the final notes, roars of admiration
    Drown them out and the conductor takes it in with fascination


    Time passed and the two grew apart, unwilling to share
    With the other all the angst that brewed in their hearts.
    He loved her dearly but feared she'd leave him alone
    If she ever breached his soul and found the demon's enclosed.
    She loved him too, but feared he'd leave her dumped and blue
    If he found out that what he knew about her past wasn't true.
    So as the winter thawed to spring and spring gave into summer's scorch
    The cycle of their love had finally run its course.

    After the show, a man sat out in the snow
    Asking how the crowd would act if they had happened to know
    That the composer slash conductor of the movements heard
    Was bawling his eyes out, still in his suit on the curb.
    All they wanted was the music, they never asked for the reasons
    That he came up with this most savage of pieces.
    People viewed his art as the epitome of production
    But all it ever was to him was a symphony of destruction.

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  6. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    [Hide]I jus read a shitty battle before this so this was fucking bonkers.
    Athe- the rhyme words you use are so fucking crisp I think I'm going to try long multis next week and not focus on inners and shit because of this verse. Just smooth shit, and I love the conflict u presented, shit that one minute man fuck u made me visualize was fuckin beautiful, I could see her chest popping up in my head, it was jus......dope for lack of a better word. I don't however like the fact that u were like 'oh she's prolly fuckin the whole building room by room' and bam she's fuckin next door dude, I think that shit is cliche, maybe he walks to the ice machine since it was a hotel (I think it was a hotel that part left me a little confused) and hears the shit, but whateer still dop man.

    Adderall -- this was written and executed with more vocab and multis then I expected by far. The multis were fucking off the hook man, I feel stupid reading this battle. The transition was dope I liked the back n forth u did, that was illy, all of the stanzas were a pleasure to read except the second to last stanza of music in which I lost the flow and jus invisioned the music. But to all the beauty that u provided you forgot to do one thing, and that was TELL ME THE BITCHES SECRET lol, I was fucking itching to know. This is a hard battle to call but I already know who I'm voting for

    In a verrry close match I'm giving mine to atheist because I felt his story was more complete when it came time for an ending whe adderalls left my mind urging for more

    Dope read on both parts once again guys[/hide]
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  7. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Thanks For Showing
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  8. [woe]

    [woe] masterShake

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2006
    Messages:
    68
    [hide]

    Atheist

    Your flow and story-teller's voice was absolutely tremendous. The scheme was so smooth, each line moving from one to the other all leading up to the end of the story. This was such a great take on the quote, much much much solid and thoroughly worked and written than mine was.

    The beginning part was a great lead up, showing the relationship and how twisted it was, Pretty Woman style. I really was not expecting that little whore twist and then bam, you throw it out there and I'm left smiling stupidly about how smooth it was.

    The whole piece led up perfectly to the ending, but the part about Carl actually doing something to protect her, even though she ultimately made him miserable in the end. I just loved the voice you have behind your rhymes. So polished and fresh. Amazing flow and good word choice.


    Adderal

    Your flow seemed a bit choppy to me in points. It kind of went from being fluid to being a bit bouncy. Overall I don't think that hurt your peace too much because you had some fresh content. This was my first choice for a topic for my verse, but I couldn't find the right approach. On the other hand, you did find the right approach and did well with it.

    Loved that. Very nice imagery and a good pick of words. The story itself kind of bounced back and forth, seeing as how each 'stanza' went back and forth from the actual symphony to the back story behind it. I think this kind of hurt your overall verse though because I could never really get down with what you were trying to say.

    Dope dope dope ending. Flow and word usage was on point. If your whole verse was like this then the verse would have been epic.


    Overall

    I think you're both excellent writers, something I desire to be some day, but after reading each verse twice it was clear to me who held my attention easier and drew me deeper into the story.

    Vote.Atheist
    [/hide]
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  9. JBB Sports Man

    JBB Sports Man New Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    391
    [hide]Wow, this is one of the better battles I've read...Both came strong with their verses, and I must say that I loved Atheist's start...Really drew me in, but I felt it hit a slight downward spiral as it went on...Adderal's verse, I felt was very vivid and I loved the imagery--the sounds and music complementing the course of action...I just thought it was more consistent, whereas I felt Atheist's slacked a little towards the end...

    ==========================
    Crashing symbols and pounding bass drums are joined with
    A cruel array of violins as destructive as poison.
    Wondrous noises bellow from the cello assembly
    And the tuba's force has the hall's walls steadily trembling.
    Then the bottom drops out of the medley, nothing by strings provide
    A bitter-sweet sound until the chief decides it's time to
    Deliver the final notes, roars of admiration
    Drown them out and the conductor takes it in with fascination
    =========================

    I loved that verse of Adderal's and felt it really identified with the change of momentum in the piece...great work from both but my vote goes to Adderal...[/hide]
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  10. HellRzah

    HellRzah PurE EviL

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2001
    Messages:
    8,824
    [hide]close battle, best of the week, breakin it down:

    athiest: crazy flow and feeling the content, great imagery, your narrating voice was the best I've read this week...good ish

    points: 89/100

    Adderal: loved your piece also, good and consistent rhymescheme and a great story..great visualisation of the topic..keep writing

    points: 85/100

    very close battle, difficult to choose a winner but
    vote= Athiest[/hide]
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  11. Urizen

    Urizen I hate humans

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    6,700
    [HIDE]vote - adderal

    Athiest - first off your flow is damn near flawless
    eventho u dont rhyme all the time ... but its clear that you
    meant to not rhyme all the time
    your vocab is dope ya wordplay was nice all the writing aspects
    you seem to have down so that just leaves the story
    this was a nice piece I liked the whole loving a ho thing
    and the way you told it made it believeable
    but the ending kinda fucked me up ... cus dude just said the truth
    now I know women aint a 100% but that one needs explanation
    and since I didnt get it on the spot and have to wait its a bad thing
    but its dope you would make this a 2 piece thing all in all dope piece

    Adderal - flow dope, wordplay dope, vocab dope you and Athiest were kinda
    even on that front but your concept and how you used it ...
    homey fucking disgustingly dope
    I loved how you mixed the music with the relationship that was nice
    eventho I didnt understand a motherfucking thing about all them
    instruments but I could get the picture nonetheless.
    and the ending was nice too so all in all dope piece

    this was a hard battle cus both dudes know what they doing
    and both are dope writers so it just comes down to the story and how they
    told it and I just feel like on those 2 points adderal took this battle
    but a dope battle tho [/HIDE]
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  12. DIVINITY FLOWZ

    DIVINITY FLOWZ New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2004
    Messages:
    449
    [HIDE]

    Athiest, it's easy to see that your writing has improved with the rhymes and narration of this piece. I think it still moved kinda slowly in the start, but picked up nicely and delivered a good sequence of events. Your most powerful writing element is also one of mine's and that the scenery you paint with imagery in your stories. I do think this should of had much more character development isince you used 3 different characters to paint this, but this was well written. Actually, I take that back, you displayed a well balance of dialogue which is in fact character development. The fighting sequence was very graphic and we know I like that. Nicely done.... good to see you in here man.

    Adderall xr, man, that name is gonna get spelled wrong the majority of the time I try to spell it so don't trip. I'm really impressed with your narration in this. Very poised and in nice control of the pace. The flow was steady for the most part, some of it wasn't as flowetic, not a word of course, but you also kept it good with some nice word useage. The imagery of this was also a big impact as you brought the music to life in text...... symphony of destruction was a perfect ending for this because it pieced it all together with the details the verse provided. Good shit man.... nice to see developed writers giving dope for the fiends.... chea
    I've given a detailed breakdown of this match as the Match of the Week in the mag.... it was a very hard choice

    Ok, with that said..... I think Athiest barely edged out this one with his content. Great Match both of you. I'll be looking forward to seeing your shit more

    [/HIDE]
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  13. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    13,681
    [hide]

    Athiest...if that's not the verse of the week I don't know what the fuck is...the imagery and character development was top notch...most of the time when someone tells me I'm a B grade writer I get annoyed and I guess it's because there are so few A grade writers these days to actually take notice...but this was really superb...the flow, the scheme, the imagery, the emotion, the creativity...I loved this piece right here man...

    Adderall...not to take anything away from this piece because it was well written and I enjoyed it, but you got out classed my friend...the piece was on point throughout and I like how you built everything up piece by piece...kind of like a composing a song...but at the end of the day you just weren't on Athiest's level...

    vote = Athiest

    [/hide]
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  14. OperaToonist

    OperaToonist symphony of destruction

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    [hide]
    Atheist:

    I was kinda bored and lethargic as this is the 5th verse in a row I read in the last hour but right away my brain turned back on after the first or second line as this is another beautifully scripted piece by you and I just can't skim it.

    I'll try to be brief, as I need some sleep, but this verse sports great pacing, imagery, wording (in terms of context AND vocab), it's interesting, it has meaning and i can see the themes emanating from the proximate encounters and importantly the characters are interesting and complex in terms of their attitudes towards a) the protagonists attitude toward sex workers b) her attitude in regards to herself and im looking forward to part II. Compared to everything else so far this is on another level of writing.

    A

    Daddyeral xr 30:

    The setup for this piece in terms of execution and creativity was great, a really fresh concept and pretty well applied. The cycling between the classical music and the relationship and how they tie in together was perfect, and I read the scheme and flow at different speeds, a bit faster and rougher with the relationship and a bit more grandiose, eloquent and smooth with the concerto pieces.

    The themes itself were nice, but vague, which is my major complaint. While I understand how whatever secrets they hold are something you purposely choose not to elaborate on as you were discussing other themes, they came off as too simplistic and not personal enough in an emotional piece about two people. While there are no inherent flaws in terms of tying those themes of music, seasons and the superficiality of the relationship, it doens't delve deep enough to truly provide a lasting effect on the reader. I can grasp at what the verse is telling me, and I understand it, but I don't feel it, it's not moving me.

    A-


    While both verses were excellent, Atheist provided a more moving piece, I felt like I was able to understand his themes through visceral and real images of the relationship, while Adderal's themes were clear they were described rather than shown through the characters, making a weaker impression on me.


    Vote: Atheist

    [/hide]
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  15. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Got life if anyone ranks u a B writer u should jump for joy as ur like D- writer

    But don't take it from me

    Jus ask any vet
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  16. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Athiest Wins... 39-11

    Adderal xr 30 2-1

    nice match guys. Thanks for showing and voting
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