Contenders: 4. TheReturn 2-0 VS5. Thaumaturge 11-0

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Pent uP, Sep 12, 2006.

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  1. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    RSTL RULES AND REGULATIONS

    RULES AND REGULATIONS - THERE'S SOME NEW SHIT SO CLICK AND READ


    The Standard League Rules will still be Enforced

    Due Dates

    VERSES DUE: Saturday, 11:59PM PST/2:59AM EST
    Verses posted after the deadline will not count!

    VOTES DUE Monday, 11:59PM PST/2:59 EST
    Votes posted after the deadline will not count!

    • Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.
    • Verses must incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.
    • Anyone who does not post at least 4 rap lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.
    • RECYCLING IS NOT STRICTLY PROHIBITED. You may not use any verse that you have previously used within the league at any time. Whether it was a no show,

      tournament verse recycled for the league or visa versa or any verse that have ever been used within the league perimeters.
    • During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to

      that limit.
    • Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a “show” but will not result in a match. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent posts between 16-64, you will

      lose the match but you will remain in the league. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent does not show, you will “Win by no-show”.

    Voting:
    • If you do not show you can still vote and post the links in your match to receive full voting points. In addition, if you do not show, yet vote on at

      least 4 matches (Or, every match available, should there be less than 4 matches to vote on) you will remain in the league.
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      requirements.
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      that person, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match. If have a personal investment in wanting someone to win, whether because they’re crew member, or

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      according to how many matches you do vote on.
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      3rd).
      anyone who does not show or vote is suspended one week and must sign-in again to be inserted the following week.



    Topics: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=10085818
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  2. Thaumaturge

    Thaumaturge New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    389
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  3. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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  4. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    6,893
    64 lines exactly

    "There are some defeats more triumphant than victories."
    Michel de Montaigne




    In times of war, lines are crossed...
    The night is long, and over the jungle trees,
    The moon humbly creeps into the air, dry and hot.
    Meet Ryan Locke, stuck on the front lines in Nam.
    His lips are sealed to conceal his breathing, but his eyes are not.
    Watching an ambush, he'd love to see these guys get shot
    But he's scared to pull the trigger and reveal his hiding spot.
    So he lies in shock,
    Hearing the sound of bullets fly from behind his rock
    And then silence...until the death cries erupt.



    Standing with rifles up, high above their beaten heads
    While bringing knees to chest, these soldiers are bleeding sweat.
    It's bootcamp, and each one is needing rest.
    Anything to keep their minds off these screaming vets
    Shouting obscenities, racial slurs, you wouldn't believe the rest.
    Ryan looked at his friend, a local hopeless named Steve Durress.
    Once a fiend, at best...but he's fearless, and now he leads cadets.
    Demands that he receive respect,
    Telling Ryan stories of sorrow about the streets and sex.
    They started as bunkmates, but Steve was quick to rise
    Impressing the drill sergeants with his wit and pride.
    Cause it was live to shine, or quit and just wish to die
    But Steve was a soldier,
    So he kept his fears hidden in a thick disguise.



    A richochet off the rock throws Ryan right back to present day.
    Guns are gettin sprayed,
    And nearby, the ground detonates from hand grenades.
    He looks around and sees a scream on a peasant's face,
    But closer inspection makes him see Steve Duress's case.
    And Ryan knew it'd be hours before he could get a medic's aid
    So he had to get away,
    Had to get to Steve in time before ambushers wrecked the place
    Knew he needed to find his friend's pulse and check the pace,
    But he was scared to move, and his heart began to race...



    Flash back to boot camp, doing pushups in a pit of mud.
    Steve was the fittest one,
    He'd seen soldiers drown when their muslces had given up.
    With each repitition, he felt the puddles on his lips and tongue
    It was easy to choke, because the hard part was gettin' up.
    On his left was Ryan, struggling, trying to finish tough.
    The sergeant didn't give a fuck,
    He was busy preaching, giving a speech about living rough.
    Started out by saying that "Bad times are quick to come,
    You gotta swallow 'em hard, get your gun and call out the shots."
    Then he let out a walloping cough, ending his speech with
    "Bravery is leading, whether others follow or not."



    Dragging through the dense foilage, Ryan knew disaster was near
    As he approached his bloodied friend who was gaspin' for air.
    Steve's ribs were cracked, and crimson red matted his hair.
    Trapped in a stare,
    All Ryan could think about was this poor bastard's despair,
    Ripping off Steve's jacket, examining the gash that was there
    While Steve looked at his friend blankly, no life in his eyes.
    And took Ryan's hand, pulling it to the knife at his side.
    Ryan tried not to cry,
    Thought about Steve, unable to give his wife a goodbye.
    But he turned his head, plunged the blade right on inside.
    And with Steve's courage, now Ryan had a reason to die,
    Fighting for his country, or at least he would try.

    He put Steve out of his misery...

    Ryan knew trouble was creeping.
    A tear tumbled his cheek, as...through the struggle and weeping,
    He watched Steve's fingers touch his forehead
    Forcing a half salute, that held double the meaning...




    .
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  5. Thaumaturge

    Thaumaturge New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    389
    Staten Island, September 17, 2006....

    The story unfolds as told in a shamed and gritty state,
    A 14 year old, he goes by the name of Jimmy Banks.
    Born to a hoe, and grown in the lanes of city gate,
    where murder's the code, and so is the game of give and take.
    The streets is more than he knows, but in his gut he's demandin it,
    Wantin companionship, struck wit the hunt under judgement of Anubis.
    Wasn't attached to it, but claimed he was sligh,,
    Would hang with gangs on the sides wit knives gracin a face full of lies.
    Some say he's missin the passion, won't pay wit his life..a wanksta pitchin a fashion,
    Basically scribed, he didn't fit in like asian dicks in a magnum.
    Most prized posession a journal, inside lied an aggressive inferno,
    Symmetrical circles contrasted on canvas hide's unidentical torso.
    Had a girl that loved him for him, But she was all he could get,
    Would call her a trick, tryna portray the curved ways of ballers and pimps.
    Skeleton trembled, stayin wit doped relatives, shells that he slept through,
    He wasn't born...He died and this is the hell he was sent to.

    From 7 to 12 noon, he would stroll the block askin strangers for dough,
    Sackin tailors for clothes, when an older heart passed his way in some gold.
    A folded cloth masked his face from patrol,
    See, he had watched Jim from the side and seen his will to survive with kill in his eyes.
    Grabbed his shoulder on a trashed sidewalk next to the pawn shop,
    Energetically entered a long talk on spot sellin him strong thoughts.
    Tellin a longshot tale that his hailed forever was on top,
    However the plot caught chills in the build of Jim and his conned heart.
    They went to the car park, The man proclaimed himself as Chucky,
    He offered a way to help with money knowin J.B.'s paper shelf was crummy.
    Gave him the page and cell of honeys, he felt included finally..
    Privately writin his diary from a mind of seige his eyes can't see.
    Jottin all of the hideouts and sell points along with where and how,
    Wasn't scared of rounds, but when bullets flew he'd steer clear like transparent cows.
    A murderous carnivore, Jim nodded his head to words that he hardly heard,
    Observin the art of war, servin as servant but it would be more tha he bargained for...

    Acceptin the offer, He progressed to the next best in their charter,
    Impressin the father with no question or guess~ pressed of the events that wuld follow.
    Breathless and hollow, but that was still better than incessant depression and sorrows,
    Said he's ready for semis and autos, Ride to die...the hell with tomorrow.
    But that wasn't his brain thinkin, drugged with false love from the gang patrons,
    Took over one of their main aces makin his girl's company painstakin.
    They used to have tons of fun as she'd love to hug and then hold him,
    But now his job abbreviated her worth, and turned his number one into No.1.
    Now only loved him for who he was, actin stupid dumb,
    many walk death but few can run, Jim got a call to do some crumbs.
    He jumped excited, the night was silent as he met fam at the fire hydrant,
    By and by it became a violent climate with red wine of Dionysus.
    Should've just stayed schooled, now tied invested to crooks and that 8 tool,
    Lookin sedate through a blind reflection of empathized connections he couldn't relate to.
    Hooked on the gang view, the addiction overtook an escape route,
    Pushin his way through, When crew rolled up wit pussy he payed dues.

    Suddenly shook, he became confused, But hopped in the Lac anyways,
    Propped in the back, said his prayers...locked on mark in the grass, heavy rain..
    Robbin his stash- petty change, Realising their mistake too late,
    Face to face, They noticed the imprint on the man's neck as H2H.
    His mob was Big Time, they were just rats on the floor,
    They dashed for the doors, suddenly bombrushed by a massacre storm.
    Blastin their 4's, Chucky threw the kid down to head for the driver's seat,
    Clenchin the diary, J.B. saw his entire crew catch lead as the tires screeched.
    Chucky had left em to die this week, Jim saw the ultimate deception,
    A mirage of gold and glit respect when it was only a lonely twist of lessons..
    But what he saw next hurt him inside~ the most, his ghost internally fried,
    Cus just beyond the post-mortum colline he saw their don hold his girl on his side.
    Approached the curb that he lied, the clanhead was holdin the G-9,
    Without a moment to freeze time, cold below the road and the street signs.

    They asked Jim "Any last words?", his frame was mortal, with thoughts of grudges...
    He replied with a "no"....and layed his journal across his stomach
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  6. HellRzah

    HellRzah PurE EviL

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2001
    Messages:
    8,824
    [hide]nice battle y'all, very goddamn close one too

    return: You had a maaaaad flow I loved it, the story was also great..loved the flashbacks and you killed it in the end...nice plot...good writing

    best lines:
    "But he's scared to pull the trigger and reveal his hiding spot.
    So he lies in shock,
    Hearing the sound of bullets fly from behind his rock
    And then silence...until the death cries erupt."

    "A richochet off the rock throws Ryan right back to present day.
    Guns are gettin sprayed,
    And nearby, the ground detonates from hand grenades.
    He looks around and sees a scream on a peasant's face,
    But closer inspection makes him see Steve Duress's case.
    And Ryan knew it'd be hours before he could get a medic's aid
    So he had to get away,
    Had to get to Steve in time before ambushers wrecked the place
    Knew he needed to find his friend's pulse and check the pace,
    But he was scared to move, and his heart began to race..."---->nice example of your ill flow, good ish

    points: 82/100

    thaum:also a very good flow to your piece..maybe your story wasn't as good as return's piece but you've put more depth into yours, I like that....nice ender btw and an overall nice piece
    best lines:
    "Born to a hoe, and grown in the lanes of city gate,
    where murder's the code, and so is the game of give and take.
    The streets is more than he knows, but in his gut he's demandin it,
    Wantin companionship, struck wit the hunt under judgement of Anubis."--->dopeness right here!!

    points:80/100[/hide]
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  7. HellRzah

    HellRzah PurE EviL

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2001
    Messages:
    8,824
    [hide]oops!
    forgot to vote

    vote= Return[/hide]
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  8. Ribonuclease

    Ribonuclease New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2004
    Messages:
    1,047
    [Hide]Jottin all of the hideouts and sell points along with where and how,
    Wasn't scared of rounds, but when bullets flew he'd steer clear like transparent cows.

    Wow, that was fuckin dope.

    This was a really dope peace mayne, first dude was really good too not to downplay his writing at all. But Them the syllable work in this was fuckin dope, good to see some crazy rhyme schemes being done with a good peice. I dug this alot, are you an alias? Im curious, PM if you don't want to say. Very good though, best wordplay ive seen in a minute. Peez [/Hide]
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  9. Adderall XR 30

    Adderall XR 30 New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    80
    [hide]

    It's a damn shame that someone is going to have to end up losing here. This was easily the best match up of the week. I don't even know where to start. TheReturn, damn nice flow to the piece. It read quite fast, which is always something I try to strive for. Your rhymes, while mostly appearing towards the ends of lines, were about as rock solid as they could be. I can't really recall seeing any forced wording or anything as a result. The story itself was cool. This is one of those situations where you wrote about a topic that has been written about MANY times before, but you still managed to add a little s pi ce to it by switching back and forth between the present and the past. By looking into the past, it gives a bit of context to what is happening in the present and for the most part, that kept my interest. Thaumaturge, this was pretty much awesome. The rhymes and the schemes are some of the better that I've read in quite a while. To be able to go off with the rhymes and still keep good wording is a skill that most people work at but few really master. You're just about there at the high end. Besides that, the story was very detailed and multi-layered as they usually are. Your flow, while not particularly traditional, still resonated with me due to the fact that it seemed like you carefully placed your rhymes to make the read smoother. My favorite thing about the piece had to be the ending. The last two lines tied in other parts of the story so well. They weren't overly dramatic or anything, just well thought out. If there is one thing I didn't like much about the piece, it is your disregard for pronouns at the beginning of sentences lol. I'm sure you're going to have something to say about that complaint, but it does sort of make it read more like a collection of seperate lines rather than one smooth flowing narrative. Either way, beside that little nit pick, I would have to go with Thaumaturge on this one. TheReturn didn't really do anything wrong. This was just a case where there were two really nice pieces and I thought that Thaumaturge's had more advanced rhymes, a slightly denser plot, and an ending that I really liked. [/hide]
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  10. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    [hide] Return -- this was a dope piece, i can't relate to war stories much but this was cool, I liked the back and forth action, it really brought out the 2 characters, my boggle was that they seemed to be focused more on the past then they were on what was happening; however the equilibruim delivered was pretty dope. I guess what's really working against you is the fact that this piece wasn't entirely original, though it was still eccentric and fluid, anyway, dope verse, not much to really say.

    Thau -- oh man this felt like a long read, but it was nice; i appreciated the rhymes, and the wordplay i caught every now and again. I liked how the story tied together and folded out. it was a consistantly moving piece that was fairly entertaining, with nice rhymes that were consistent with some inners that were hot. I can't really knock anything from this verse, e••••ially the ending, it was poetic justice to the verse.

    vote -- thau, i'd do something more in depth for a vote but I honestly dont have alot to say, to hot pieces and Returns verse was hot but Thau's was just hotter[/hide]
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  11. Ron Deau

    Ron Deau New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2006
    Messages:
    77
    [hide]The Return had a very straight forward story, no super secret twists, but with good fundamentals, nice flow, understandable, and logical. The last image was a great one, and really kept the piece strong. Always end on a good image... nicely done.
    Thaumaturge was also a pretty straightforward story, but the fundamentals weren't there as much. More concentrated rhyme scheme, but that kind of took charge, and made some awkward syntax, and misused words. I wasn't terribly partial to the little 'hiphop' similes in there either, like an asian dick in a magnum, steer clear like transparent cows... etc. Seemed out of place with the rest of the verse if ya know what I mean. Regardless, both were good verses, I'm just going to side with TheReturn this time, that last image was really the icing on the cake.[/hide]
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  12. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2001
    Messages:
    5,344
    [hide]The Return...

    solid flow, mutli's were good, and u kept me reading, unfortunately it's hard to break down a character in the minimal bar lengths we get to use, and that to me was your only flaw, the imagery gave it depth, vocub wasn't great but good enough, all enough this was pretty good...


    Thaumaturge...

    I swear i thought you loss before but I aint one to research, nonetheless, the story was ok, imo i couldn't get into this due to the way it was written you were all over the place, some parts flowed great where other areas lacked due to run on sentences, besides that most of your multi's were good, im not a fan of the gangsta theme but overall this was an above average verse

    Overall....

    ima give this one toTheReturn his verse was easier to follow and structured better as far as creativity and word usage you were neck to neck, so rhyme scheme and structure got TheReturn the win, props to both though[/hide]
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  13. Fold

    Fold *NEW* DIC - just add gay!

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    269
    [HIDE]
    TheReturn, this was nice, the flow was super smooth and the writer's voice was filled good displays of imagery and graphic shit that kept it entertaining to read. The war theme was cool, although it was mostly on the characters of 2 guys mostly, I liked it and it gave a good theme to war and friendships.


    Thaumaturge, this was a nice way to make a story unfold. The character build made this cool with some catchy lines that made me smile. The details of the story though wasn't as entertaining as it continued. The flow was great, but it seemed to missing the graphic imagery that would of aided the chacter build. This was a nice story nevertheless and a good read.


    Vote TheReturn, close battle, but I think his content was more entertaining and better displayed to enjoy the read more.


    [/HIDE]
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  14. Thaumaturge

    Thaumaturge New Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    389
    Thanks for the honest votes guys. "sarcasm"
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  15. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    aye...thau...eat a dick...go listen to my music...if I sound like some english prep school boy being forced at gunpoint to write hip hop then i'll sign out...but when you realize I can spit the shit I write and you're just a tool then you can come speak to me....
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  16. OperaToonist

    OperaToonist symphony of destruction

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2006
    Messages:
    40
    [hide]
    ReturnoftheVietnamWarStory:

    Woohoo, another Vietnam verse. Oh wait, it has cut backs to boot camp, how original.

    I'd argue that taking on a topic like this straight up requires more bravery/stupidity (depending on how you look at it) than doing something original, because voters, unlike movie-goers, don't want the same recycled garbage; therefore, are predisposed to liking something original even if its flawed.

    With that in mind, I thought you avoided pulling a Brett Ratner and managed to avoid massacring something that's been done perfectly before you, although it was far from being perfect. The writing quality and technical ability of this verse is well done, it develops properly, the flashbacks have bearing on the current events, it's all by-the-book. Which is its inherent problem, the characters, while I felt the emotion, I couldn't really get hooked because it was so stereotypical. Furthermore, a war story is THE premier place to knock the reader the fuck out with a shitload of sick imagery, and while there were some nice lines, it certainly didn't take full advantage of the medium, which is probably the biggest salvation vis-a-vis such an overdone topic. A very good verse, I enjoyed it, but at the same time I never really entered it. I admire the courage of taking this on, but against someone who's 11-0 I somehow doubt its very tact. We'll see...


    Thaumaturd:

    This verse managed to take a played out premise, stay loyal to its strengths in terms of its appeal in content (money, power, respect, women, violence), weave a flawless narrative across the protagonists development, and dig deep into the psychological underpinnings of his actions with great accuracy and eloquence.

    i really don't need to delve any further into it, aside from some soft rhymes, the occasional hiccup in the flow/scheme, this was magnificently written and the clear winner. quoting these two lines, which i thought most enjoyable, is probably an insult to the rest of the verse as its collective enterprise makes them inconsequential, but i already copied and pasted them:

    Basically scribed, he didn't fit in like asian dicks in a magnum.

    LOL

    He wasn't born...He died and this is the hell he was sent to.



    Vote: Thaumaturge

    [/hide]
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  17. Shrug

    Shrug Street Poet

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2005
    Messages:
    158
    [hide]
    TheReturn- great piece. I loved how you teetered between past and present. that was very well written and flowed very naturally with the story line. The rhyming was very creative. great job on that too. You wrote this piece so it was very easy to connect with the emotions, and history of each character. flow was great. loved it

    Thaumaturge- at first after reading The Returns verse i thought easy win. then i read your first stanza. and I shut my mouth quick. With your first stanza alone you hooked my attention, grabbed my interest so it would carry me thru the end of your story. The rhyming was great. you would skip end rhymes and throw them in your piece in unexpected places which caused for great flow and readability
    "Grabbed his shoulder on a trashed sidewalk next to the pawn shop,
    Energetically entered a long talk on spot sellin him strong thoughts.
    Tellin a longshot tale that his hailed forever was on top,
    However the plot caught chills in the build of Jim and his conned heart.
    They went to the car park" this stood out to me.

    Vote Thaumaturge GREAT match [/hide]
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  18. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    its a TIE you biased bitches!

    ITS A TIE! REMATCH BITCHES
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