Contender’s Match: 3. Calloused 4-1 V. 4. Urizen 15-9

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by DiC GeTs GuLLy, Aug 21, 2006.

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  1. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

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    RSTL RULES AND REGULATIONS

    RULES AND REGULATIONS - THERE'S SOME NEW SHIT SO CLICK AND READ


    The Standard League Rules will still be Enforced

    Due Dates

    VERSES DUE: Friday 12:00am PST/3:00am EST
    Verses posted after the deadline will not count!

    VOTES DUE Sunday: 12:00am PACIFIC/3:00 Midnight EST
    Votes posted after the deadline will not count!

    • Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.
    • Verses must incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.
    • Anyone who does not post at least 4 rap lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.
    • During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.
    • Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a “show” but will not result in a match. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent posts between 16-64, you will lose the match but you will remain in the league. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent does not show, you will “Win by no-show”.

    Voting:
    • If you do not show you can still vote and post the links in your match to receive full voting points. In addition, if you do not show, yet vote on at least 4 matches (Or, every match available, should there be less than 4 matches to vote on) you will remain in the league.
    • Votes must be hidden! To hide a vote, first thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. The last thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, a backslash “/”, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. Unhidden votes will not count towards the match or towards your vote requirements.
    • No second chance votes! If your vote has been edited, even it was only to hide it, your vote will not count towards the match or towards your vote requirements.
    • No bias votes! If you have a personal investment in wanting someone to lose, whether because that member voted against you once, or you just don’t like that person, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match. If have a personal investment in wanting someone to win, whether because they’re crew member, or because you want to face that person in the next week’s brackets, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match.
    • ”Bias” must be confirmed by a Moderator.
    • If there is a match which you will not be able to vote on, due to “Bias” of any type, state so within your match prior to Verses Due Deadline. If this reduces the number of matches available for you to vote on to the point where you are unable to vote on at least 4 matches, the point scale will be adjusted according to how many matches you do vote on.
    • 3-ways are inevitable. In order to provide a tie-breaker in a 3-way, you are now required to indicate in what order the contestants finished (1st, 2nd, 3rd).
      anyone who does not show or vote is suspended one week and must sign-in again to be inserted the following week.



    Topics: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1004335
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  2. Calloused

    Calloused New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2005
    Messages:
    236
    I'm here. I'll probably use "Goodbye My Lover", but I don't care which topic you use.
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  3. Urizen

    Urizen I hate humans

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    6,700
    lol thnx for caring
    dont know which Ima use prob a pic
    G'luck tho
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  4. Urizen

    Urizen I hate humans

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2004
    Messages:
    6,700
    Dare to dream

    I love to visit this place
    Enjoy the smiles on their face
    The food primed with emotion
    Their laughter filled with devotion
    Moments caught hang on walls
    Even paintings stands tall
    Pictures canvas and a warm feeling
    All this makes it harder to be stealing
    But I’m required too its a necessity
    My joy reaches its zenith with this family
    I require a small piece to obtain peace
    So small things they wont miss I take along
    Put in my room under my pillow I know its wrong
    But only then will sleep cover me with serenity
    Without a remembrance of happy I’m chased by insanity
    Nightmares go away when I hear their music box play
    When I touch their picture their memory it tells me its ok
    Tired off hiding the bruises and pissing blood
    Being called useless and misunderstood
    Mom and dad both hate me wish I could run away
    Questioning why they made me I wanna run away
    So the objects became a symbol for what I cant have
    Their dilemmas seem simple at problems they laugh
    That small piece I want home even just for the night
    I wont feel so alone even though it aint right
    But all this I cant say scared to reveal these thoughts
    But even this dream has to stop cus damn I got caught
    So sorry is all I can whisper forgiveness is all I can ask
    My apologies to you mister and miss excuse my mask
    Portraying myself other then truly I am
    Tried to display normality as much as I can
    Homey I know you know my home situation
    The look in your eyes is packed with emotion
    Sympathy pity everything but hatred
    so many things I can say but yet I don’t say it
    I sit their silent as the parents ask me why I did it
    I look at them with lost eyes and all I can do is admit it
    Would rather be cast out then have them think of me differently
    Would rather be cussed out then have them look at me with pity
    So I say Im sorry and promise to bring everything back
    Give them the necklace which I had put in my backpack
    I am truly sorry … those words I honestly mean
    I just can’t tell em their stuff gives me the courage to dream
    Head down teary eyed I walk home alone
    With each step I find myself hoping both my parents are gone
    Reach my porch open the door screams find themselves to me
    Ignore the barricade go to my room and sit quietly
    Take the box from under my bed all the words that were said
    Swirl and twist in my head slowly making me mad
    Screams of mom and dad still fill the house relentlessly
    Did this so many times but this feels differently
    So again the box goes open the gun goes to my dome
    This time I am alone this time there’s no happy home
    To look forward to so this is what I have to do
    …. Well my would be family I will miss you
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  5. Calloused

    Calloused New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2005
    Messages:
    236
    Goodbye, My Lover

    "Goodbye, my love.
    I guess this is really it.
    Tonight is our last chance for glory, our last thrilling kiss.
    I love you.
    I just thought you should know.
    Words don't always fulfill their purpose, so, here, I bought you a rose.
    Love wilts sometimes, my love,
    so as the pedals fall,
    realize that in the end, we're both really better off.
    Because once the flower dies, I'll just be a thorn in your side.
    This way, we escape each other before we're torn by our pride.
    Don't be nervous, don't cry.
    You will remain in my heart.
    My soul, it torments my mind, aching because we're breaking apart.
    This is the only way, my love.
    Tonight feels like a funeral.
    Did I ever tell you that the glow from your wet cheeks is beautiful?
    Your kiss tonight, it seems a bit unusual.
    Why must your lips twitch?
    Understand, it's time to change speeds on this stick shift.
    I've got to switch gears.
    It's time to move on with this life.
    I've stagnated, yet when I touch you it all seems hauntingly right.
    Sure, I'll face a longing at nights without you by my side,
    but even the great Siberian tiger knows its time to die.

    "You see, my love, I'm doing this more for you than for me.
    Every night, as you fall asleep, I watch you lucidly dream.
    I understand you,
    so when I hear your yearnings for freedom,
    I know I must release your soul from this world and it's demons.
    I feel the need to release you from the pain and the struggle.
    I've kept you as mine for so long,
    and you've been patient and humble.
    It's time to erase all your troubles,
    tonight, I'll tear apart all your chains.
    My love, just one last kiss before we part in our ways?

    "It's time, my love. Goodbye, my love.
    The night comes to an end.
    What we have tonight will tomorrow be dead.
    You see, my love,
    this is for you, and for us.
    I've tied you down for four years, now I loosen the cuffs.
    You deserve to fly, free as a bird,
    but your spirit deserves so much more than you can see on this Earth.
    I suppose you're right, my love,
    I owe an explanation.
    I've kept you chained in this basement to give you hope and desperation.
    You see, my love, the average human turns jaded at birth,
    so their minds are cold and calloused,
    they turn to vagrants or worse.
    But you, you were so perfect,
    with the heart of an angel.
    I couldn't allow the world to corrupt and tarnish your halo.
    I did my best to protect you,
    but I've noticed my missteps.
    Everyday, your soul grows colder and you're less of a princess.
    So now, my love, I've come to better understand
    that it is the world that is unpure, not just the workings of man.
    So we arive in the present,
    it seems I've grown to loathe you.
    I promise, though, when it's all over, I'll still hold you.
    I will remember the times before your soul shattered, crude spinstress.
    In my heart, my love, you will remain a true princess.
    Now I relieve you from distress."

    Killing With Kindness
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  6. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    14,147
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  7. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2002
    Messages:
    1,707
    [hide]Urizen:
    This verse was a bit on the predictable side; I don't enjoy pieces that end with putting the 'gun' to your 'dome'. It's been done too many times before. However, the actual content was written quite nicely and (maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I blame my English lectures at university) I enjoyed how your lines started off quite short and small, then gradually grew longer. It really emphasized the 'dare to dream' idea, because the longer lines could represent your dream becoming larger but also that your hopes of reaching them are becoming further away. If that was intential, bravo. I really enjoyed this part;

    So sorry is all I can whisper forgiveness is all I can ask
    My apologies to you mister and miss excuse my mask
    Portraying myself other then truly I am
    Tried to display normality as much as I can
    Homey I know you know my home situation
    The look in your eyes is packed with emotion
    Sympathy pity everything but hatred
    so many things I can say but yet I don’t say it


    Calloused:
    What can I say? you are great with the words, and the way you write is fantastic. The content itself was a tad predictable; near the end of the first stanza I had an inkling of where this piece might be heading, but the way you wrote it was beautiful. I enjoyed your repetition of the word 'love' as it really highlighted how strongly he loved her. I actually wrote a similar piece this week for the championship match, but I'll leave it to you to judge for yourself. There were quite a lot of quoteables in here as well;

    I love you.
    I just thought you should know.
    Words don't always fulfill their purpose, so, here, I bought you a rose.
    Love wilts sometimes, my love,
    so as the pedals fall,
    realize that in the end, we're both really better off.
    Because once the flower dies, I'll just be a thorn in your side.
    This way, we escape each other before we're torn by our pride.


    and...

    I've got to switch gears.
    It's time to move on with this life.
    I've stagnated, yet when I touch you it all seems hauntingly right.
    Sure, I'll face a longing at nights without you by my side,
    but even the great Siberian tiger knows its time to die.


    and finally...

    I suppose you're right, my love,
    I owe an explanation.
    I've kept you chained in this basement to give you hope and desperation.
    You see, my love, the average human turns jaded at birth,
    so their minds are cold and calloused,
    they turn to vagrants or worse.


    Overall, a great battle. But, as you can see from my feedback, it's a tad obvious who I will be voting for. Urizen, any other week and I think you may have taken this because, although you wrote a slightly predictable verse, similarly to Calloused, it was an entertaining read and was well-written. However, I'm going to give this one to Calloused because of how beautifully it was written. As I said, fantastic battle, fellas.[/hide]
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  8. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 1999
    Messages:
    5,954
    [hide]Urizen, cool piece... although the flow was a bit sporadic (maybe because I wasn't reading it correctly to be recited) and although the many typos and grammar errors kind of got on my nerves, I enjoyed it overall. The story is really cliche', but it progressed well and I got to know the main character really well throughout it all. Character clarity is important in establishing a story with substance and development. The rhyming wasn't superb either, just single syllabic schemes with no real pattern to its progression, yet the story was told decently there was pretty good vocabulary usage. One other thing that got to me was the lack of puncuation; it forced me to place the punctuation in my head, not allowing me to enjoy the story and verse as much as I maybe could have.

    I enjoyed the progression from the secret cleptomaniac who uses his the addiction to steal to try to heal wounds, to the apologetic former deviant who realizes that while one can blame other people for what might go wrong in their lives, it's ultimately up to them as an individual to take responsbility, then back the blaming and weakness, ultimately leading to his end. The strength of this piece would probably be the story as it progressed and the character development. Pretty decent piece, although the lack of punctuation, multiple spelling errors and simplistic rhyme scheme turned me away from it in the end.

    _______________

    Calloused's piece really shined in this battle. The short line to long line flow was dope, the rhyming was done nicely and the story was great. The imagery used in support of the ideas and the important metaphors throughout the piece really carried it nicely. In the first verse, the rose, the gear shifting and the Siberian tiger; all three served an important purpose I thought.

    The middle stanza was very good... and probably contained my favorite lines of the entire piece
    "I feel the need to release you from the pain and the struggle.
    I've kept you as mine for so long,
    and you've been patient and humble.
    It's time to erase all your troubles,
    tonight, I'll tear apart all your chains.
    My love, just one last kiss before we part in our ways?"


    These lines served as a perfect transition into the third verse, which kept the story intriguing. Even though it was written as an "ultimate ending" type of story, I still wanted to continue to see what happened in the end. You used the predictibility factor to your advantage. The emphasis on the tying down/enslavement of love was outstanding, and again, the usage of some key images and metaphors in the third verse brought the story home greatly. The bird, the angel, and the princess, all really common usages in love/love loss pieces, were used perfectly and as they should be used.

    My favorite part of the third verse:
    "You deserve to fly, free as a bird,
    but your spirit deserves so much more than you can see on this Earth.
    I suppose you're right, my love,
    I owe an explanation.
    I've kept you chained in this basement to give you hope and desperation.
    You see, my love, the average human turns jaded at birth,
    so their minds are cold and calloused,
    they turn to vagrants or worse.
    But you, you were so perfect,
    with the heart of an angel.
    I couldn't allow the world to corrupt and tarnish your halo."




    Vote: All in all this match up was fairly one-sided, Calloused had the more impressive and better written piece. Rhyme schemes and figurative language all used to an advantage. The piece was also structured well and the flow was excellent. Urizen had a good story, but it wasn't enough to match Calloused's effort.

    Good work peeps![/hide]
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  9. Adderall XR 30

    Adderall XR 30 New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    80
    [hide]

    I believe Calloused took this one. Both of you had pretty deep pieces. Urizen, it wasn't really the story that I had an issue with. The general suicide plot isn't particularly innovative, but mixing it in with the thieving is a bit of a different take on it. You made me feel the kid's pain. The main issue I have is the general writing. It had a nice flow to it, but there really wasn't much there in terms of rhymes. In fact, there were quite a few places where there really wasn't much of a rhyme at all.

    I mean, I suppose the Y on the first quote, and the TION on the second one sort of rhyme, but it just doesn't match up very well against someone like Calloused who dropped some very smooth multi's throughout his piece. Speaking of Calloused, I was once again impressed by your piece this week. You have a nice way of capturing complex emotions in relatively simple situations. You also have a natural way of wording shit so that everything flows from beginning to end. Other than that, I don't really have a whole lot to say. Urizen dropped another rock solid piece, but Calloused dropped something that was just on a whole nother level in aspects where Urizen's didn't necessarily flourish.[/hide]
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  10. SteveThaGreat

    SteveThaGreat Zeus

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2006
    Messages:
    37
    [hide]


    hmmm. dope batle.

    urizen... i wasn't feeling ur piece much until i got the end. the flow was choppy and some lines just rhyme at all, however the imagery was vivid and the end of ur piece was dope.


    calloused... t thought ur piece flowed a lot better and the mechanics were a tad bit superior, your story seemed very cliche and boring in the very beginning while you were developing the characters and the story but it definitely picked up towars the middle and end. great overall piece....


    my vote is calloused.


    [/hide]
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  11. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    [hide]Urizen -- "Tired off hiding the bruises and pissing blood
    Being called useless and misunderstood" the absolute worst two lines i've read from you; one tired OF hiding, and two BLOOD and STOOD dont rhyme, this isnt shakespeare im reading holmes. the flow was awful, learn multis, i beg you. The story itself was cool, I dont like the ending but I like how it started, and the structure was nice. I liked how it started small and ended big, shit gave it a dreamy feel. I like your imagery but I can't say there's much to this piece that impressed me
    sorry?

    Calloused -- "Love wilts sometimes, my love,
    so as the pedals fall,
    realize that in the end, we're both really better off." dope wordplay with the better OFF and pedals fall. the flow in the second stanza was dope as hell too . The third stanza is where it fell off...I didnt partake to the take on the topic, it was rather predictable, and It wasn't really killing with KINDness but rather crime of passion type thing..I dont know it was all a bit vague. I mean it was full of emotion but lacking direction. The repition of the my lover thing gave it a maniacal touch which I liked, and overall it was nicely pieced together just felt a little bit, shortcoming

    nonetheless i still give it to calloused for bringing more heat[/hide]
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  12. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2003
    Messages:
    458
    [hide]
    urizen: i thought this was cool how u both went with non-standard formats and i think it works pretty well flow-wise in both instances, i liked the story i thought it developed nicely, the writing was solid but rhyme scheme was it could have been harder and some of the wording felt a lil off, overall enjoyable story, felt very poetic in narration which fit the topic of the relationship well.

    calloused:

    this was pretty dope, the whole package was pretty tight and the flow and scheme really worked here, perhaps even moreso than urizen's despite the similarities, the abnormal behavior and the passion in the actions really were vivid in my mind and just sucked me into the story, props.

    Vote: Calloused

    [/hide]
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  13. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    KO
    Calloused wins 5-1
    Urizen Loses 15-10
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