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Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by RealMS, May 9, 2005.

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  1. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    In the air he can't sense insipidity,
    I always knew certain colors of the spectrum made him smile

    His grin didn't disappear,
    And I wonder if he noticed the rouge in disguise
    If it was even gravity that's what held me from the motion,
    Dissolving it inside my palms.

    He must have mixed the shades he had again,
    But it took more than one to change it this time
    An illusion to his dreams,


    ...He was colorblind
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  2. yayo

    yayo Polar Bear LaFlare

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    i like the structure of the body, it was cool

    i dont know the word 'insipidity' , and i dont think one should need a dictionary when reading a poem...

    the key is conveyance of a picture.... difficult words look pretty but take away from the abstraction and blur the intent

    pretty nice effort, different
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  3. Johnnie French

    Johnnie French Voodooradio.podomatic.com

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    I dig this. I like the colors and the feel. I like how he's colorblind and how there are questions of whether they are affecting what's going on. My fav part is talking about gravity dissolving in your hand. Very very nice. I'd like to know what the actual purpose fo the poem to the artist was about.
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  4. FreakEmoWriter9

    FreakEmoWriter9 New Member

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    i like the meaning of this poem, the structure is definitely something i've never seen before which is good because it worked quite well for this poem. i agree with WyteBoi on the word insipidity, you need to remember the audience you are writing to and create your voice from there. good try and keep it up.
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  5. screamer

    screamer New Member

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    Jeez , this poem gave me an insipid feel.. or more insidious. The inter-ecological connectiveness was dubious, yet perplexing. The discursive framework was intrepepid, yet profound. yah?

    hahaha. I am just being a bitch but I am just kidding.

    people dont know what the fuck I am talking about half the time either, so I feel you.

    I like to think of your poem as one of those abstract paintings, where the colors and strokes go toghter quite nicely. and we can make out something cohernet, if we squint hard enough (and everyone one see's something different, like shapes of clouds._
    \

    So what I see... is...


    the monny mon spirit man who talks to us when we're half consiousness. only the monny mon can do dat crazy shit to his palms....
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  6. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    That blue font almost made me colorblind. But as far as the word insipidity, I dont think I've ever seen anybody use that word in a poem lol. The meaning of the word with perfectly well with the topic of the poem though. You took advantage of that.

    Most definitely something different coming from you. As far as the structure and such. Was thing something you had to write in them writing classes you be taking? Or just something you came up with on your own?

    One luv
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  7. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    Definately one of your more original works. You gave the reader a chance to relate to the subject in this piece. Wouldn't sweat trying to dumb down your content for those who aren't on the same vocabulary level as you.
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  8. eM-T

    eM-T Because We Are

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    content is not a vocabulary word Sole Sovereign. It is the idea behind it. Idea's (good content) can be expressed in many different ways, and one might argue it "dumb" to exclude a large portion of the population.

    with that said, I got to agree with some of the other poets. Its not too bad because it is in the first line or the poem. However, it is a word that is not commonly used. Infact, beyond learning the word in class, I don't think I have ever heard it used. Being that as it is, I found myself scratching my head for a moment to remember the definition. I think if you have to think about a word (break attention from the poem) it is bad. I think also, if it was used in a more vivid context, perhaps it could have worked.

    Screamer- lol. I never knew someone could sound so stupid using a good vocabulary.

    The rest of the poem I love. I actually don't dislike the first line either. Really I am just going off of what I learned in creative writing. If you can use another word that is just as effective, and more common, then you should. My teacher would rail on people like that. We would be like.... so what did you want to say here. And they would explain and not use the "big word" and he was like.... "cool... so why didn't say that then?"

    Second line and last 4 lines are my favorite. I like how the end sort of rattles you. You paint this abstract sort of picture and then all of the sudden its just like, HERE IT IS. It was a good effect and made it seem like that much more of a direct statement. I also like the way you made a seemingly meaningless statement sound impressive. (still referring to the last line) Lovely, lovely.

    see you soon. or words of yours anyway.

    -eMpTy
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  9. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    If your creative writing teacher is at a collegiate level and telling you to use more common words in your art then he/she probably isn't a very effective one.

    "The fan hucked the air around with such intent"

    Hucked here is an archaic word and really is rarely used, but adds a beautiful touch to this line in a published piece that was received very well. In poetry to me if you can word something differently and more eloquently then you should. That is what seperates you from a construction worker writing a poem on a shit house wall. All six of my college creative writing prof's stressed this. Two of which are accomplished authors. You'll read the same in informative writings from Coolridge, Wordsworth, Emmerson and many many other authors and critical thinkers.
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  10. A short and powerfull piece. I really enjoyed reading this and my favourite part was:

    If it was even gravity that's what held me from the motion,
    Dissolving it inside my palms.


    lovely and imaginative
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  11. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    Very beautifully written marie.

    I like the blue, gave it a summer cool feel to it, perfect for the weather im getting! MUAHAHA.

    Gravity dissolves... beautifully constructed ideas, thoughts and motions.

    Hidden meaning maybe?

    Who knows?, we're dealing with a genius.



    Holla at meeeeeeeee yo.


    -the lovable outcast, Steffon.
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  12. BlAcK BeArd

    BlAcK BeArd Registered Gun Owner

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    nice. couldn't really get to into it because it ended right after it started, but I see where you were going with it and the metaphorical imagery was strong in the sequences you put together

    some more of that imagery would of made this powerful, it's like the opening scene of a movie or the intro of a book. I liked it though, just needed more to make it complete I guess.
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  13. eM-T

    eM-T Because We Are

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    If your creative writing teacher is at a collegiate level and telling you to use more common words in your art then he/she probably isn't a very effective one.

    "The fan hucked the air around with such intent

    lol. hes a published writer working at a university... er.. I dont know what else to tell you man. Sounding intellegent at the price of sounding awkward..... i dont know...
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  14. kstroyer

    kstroyer New Member

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    lol the replies were funny... realms this is a very good piece... short sweet and powerfully put.. the representation was very different but i think it was effective.. good pze
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  15. rhino42

    rhino42 Ich liebe der Tisch!!

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    this was cool ill come back and read it more later if i can
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  16. Philly_215

    Philly_215 The Silent Poet

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    short yet so interesting i really never know what to expect when i check you out lol but its always something nice

    feeling this one stay up "Real Gansta"
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  17. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.....nice lil poem

    very creative style here

    love the imagery of the color spectrum.....real nice piece Realms
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  18. Clarksvegas_Dan

    Clarksvegas_Dan Registered Voter

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    Great piece. The way you use the scientific terms to convey the feelings. The spectrum and gravity...And that line, An illusion to his dreams, that was just great. Thanks for the cool read.
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  19. AlmostFamous

    AlmostFamous U got a problem?

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    ahhhhh... you had me at hello...

    lol

    how you doing..

    nice piece here short and sweet.. I like how you conveyed your feelings brenda
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  20. misspimp

    misspimp a.k.a KATURAH

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    personally i didnt understand the word ispidity or whatever either but i loved the flow of the poem and the overall message talk about somebody has gotten deep since i last visited the realm.....lovin this!!!

    mad love
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