Clowned Emotion

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Him', Mar 18, 2005.

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  1. Him'

    Him' Dying Underoath

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    [​IMG]

    Looking back at my portrait sad times resurface
    ..Being a clown in all seriousness is really worthless
    Jokes are cracked when you have to act that way
    ..Only another clown would know my day to day
    As this rose contains so much beauty
    ..This single tear on my face is screwtny
    When will I feel complete again, when will I
    ..As I'm being sketched the inner me begins to die
    I cant help but help it all fall apart
    ..The candle has blown out into the dark
    Illuminated by heartache and tragic pain
    ..What color will this portrait be, basically plain
    Why am I still sitting here with all of this inside
    ..I want to scream to release frustration and hide
    I'm not a coward, I'm just like any other
    ..The difference between us is love for one another
    test
  2. Madnick

    Madnick Modern Laureate

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    Him welcome to RM. This was a nice drop it had alot of emotion in this piece and it goes real well with what the picture is saying. Nice work keep posting.
    test
  3. Him'

    Him' Dying Underoath

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    Messages:
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    Uppin for some feedback.
    test
  4. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

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    Messages:
    4,076
    this was pretty good man,
    it flowed really well...

    the candle blew out in the dark,i liked that
    thats a good way to describe,that your searchin for the light to ingite some type of passion in your life,
    much respect for this,
    keep posting and if you havent already,try repling to others,
    youll probaly get better feedback results that way...
    peace
    test
  5. $1.50

    $1.50 New Member

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    As this rose contains so much beauty
    ..This single tear on my face is screwtny
    When will I feel complete again, when will I
    ..As I'm being sketched the inner me begins to die
    I cant help but help it all fall apart
    ..The candle has blown out into the dark
    Illuminated by heartache and tragic pain
    ..What color will this portrait be, basically plain


    the flow mad it a smooth read, the imagery was nicely portrayed keep it up man.
    test
  6. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2004
    Messages:
    5,023
    dang, okay you ended that nicely. Some lines saved this piece in my opinion. The rose line, I thought it would turn into a cliche, but got me there you can say-

    When will I feel complete again, when will I
    ..As I'm being sketched the inner me begins to die

    ^I do this often in some of my personal poems (<--ha, what isn't personal of mine) the pausing. To me it shows you're tired, taking a sigh, letting out that stress. Sounds good if you read it that way.

    I cant help but help it all fall apart
    ..The candle has blown out into the dark

    ^this seemed to me as if it took away from the poem's emotion, like a falling point. I read what el-p said, but eh, that's just my penny cents right there.

    Illuminated by heartache and tragic pain
    ..What color will this portrait be, basically plain

    ^and like I said in the previous, this line saves it. It brings back the intensity of the emotion you display, effortlessly. Last two lines as well, last line is my favorite-dang man. The title is another thing I like-goes well with this poem. Umm, was that link supposed to take me to a picture or what? But-I'm not worried about that.

    Welcome to the Poetry Realm and continue on.
    Give feedback to receive it!

    -Much Love
    test
  7. Xyliere

    Xyliere Shattered Demoness

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    Mar 7, 2005
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    Excellence... I loved the idea behind it, and I think you really made it come out well.
    test
  8. Him'

    Him' Dying Underoath

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    Thanks for all the feed and no doubt I will start leaving feedback..
    test
  9. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    Definetely felt! I mean for real for real.

    Good flow! Very nice.
    test
  10. AlmostFamous

    AlmostFamous U got a problem?

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    applause on this one HIM

    refreshing to see such work...

    thanks for the input on my piece
    test
  11. LadyL257

    LadyL257 New Member

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    Jul 12, 2004
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    182
    im feelin this poem it had a lot of meaning to it...

    Favorite Parts:
    As this rose contains so much beauty
    ..This single tear on my face is screwtny


    I cant help but help it all fall apart
    ..The candle has blown out into the dark


    stay up 1luv
    test
  12. Him'

    Him' Dying Underoath

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2005
    Messages:
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    Thanks for all the feedback yawl..
    test
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