Christmas

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by the omega man, Nov 27, 2010.

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  1. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

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    This is a little rap inspired by a poem titled Journey of the Magi by T.S. Eliot. I could also qualify as poem but the rhymes schemes are rather intricate. However, since it is based on a poem I figured this would be a good place to drop it.


    Christmas
    (November 18, 2010)

    The scintillation of the luminary secluded in the ebon canvas
    reminded us of Daniel and Micah's unfulfilled answers
    And we glared at each other through the fading under-filled lanterns
    In agreement we nodded and expelled the hundred thin dancers

    We tightened the sash of our tunics, the cold winter apron
    because warmth was something of which the Persian night showed no bold indication
    And although congealed with our old dispensation,
    our superior caste allowed us the waters to flow information

    So, we took to our mares, and they to us with great deportment
    And bore tears of myrrh, bracelets of gold and crown adornment
    that displayed our priesthood amidst the snow cloud a'stormin
    But eventually the camels did gall and lie in the snow, down so dormant

    Regrets came quick when the scimitar wind sliced at our wrists
    We had to tighten our fist around the reins and fight to resist
    the ebb of our lives that would lead to that light in abyss
    But, then we discerned three trees and a shimmering light in the mist

    The meyhane was laden with distrust and imprudence
    A place where thirty men venture for silver amongst the confusion,
    and dirty men quiver but as killers they once were carousing,
    and then information dissolves in those cups of pollution

    So, we escaped and continued on to arrive that evening with pride
    For we evaded the millstone that would keep like a tide
    of salt water from the sea or the brine
    and arrive each night to compete for our time

    Alas! We saw life peering from that manger
    And realized the danger of death placed fear upon the stranger
    of foreign lands that leered with a mass of loathsome anger
    For the King had come to rectify to both the prodigal Emperor and the lonely granger
    test
  2. Matthewop

    Matthewop New Member

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    Merry Christmas! Happy new year! Not long buddy!^^
    test
  3. PR STATUS GFU

    PR STATUS GFU Under The Influence

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    haha, wrd!
    test
  4. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

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    uppin the ill shit for the holidays
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    I never heard the journey of the magi, I think I should go look it up before I dare a comment on this ')
    test
  6. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    I haven't read that other piece yet.

    Ill give some comments anyhow: nice movement and pacing. As always with you , your rhyming is in no shortage.

    vocab was above par and I liked this stanza

    Regrets came quick when the scimitar wind sliced at our wrists
    We had to tighten our fist around the reins and fight to resist
    the ebb of our lives that would lead to that light in abyss
    But, then we discerned three trees and a shimmering light in the mist


    nice imagery and also, you have good continuity. ie 'tighten our fist around the reins ' of course this lend well to the whole premise of the verse. devil is in the details.,


    I'm starting to notice with you writing is that you are really micro in details and imagery, so fine and ultra specific. It would read much better to, not to beat a dead horse with a stick, but to telescope out and use more holistic imagoes and frame works. you'd be surprised.

    this a good adventure, well done. Oman. be proud of this.


    oh, one last thing. I really did not get a christmas-y feel out of this lol
    test
  7. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

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    Help me out with what you are talking about "telescoping out"

    I am unsure of what you mean. I really want to take ur advice but i am unsure in what u mean...give me an example....use this poem or one I've wrote before for an example
    test
  8. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    ok:

    Heres your opening.

    The scintillation of the luminary secluded in the ebon canvas
    reminded us of Daniel and Micah's unfulfilled answers
    And we glared at each other through the fading under-filled lanterns
    In agreement we nodded and expelled the hundred thin dancers


    right off the bat its not very clear and is kinda up for grabs as to what is going on. Your opening should clearly , in plain english , start something.

    I don't know what a scintillation is, so the luminary secluded in on the canvas is completely abstract for me.

    second line:

    reminded us of Daniel and Micah's unfulfilled answers

    since I'm at a loss already, the reminder of Daniel and Micah's unfilled answers does not connect with me. And what answers?!

    next bar:

    And we glared at each other through the fading under-filled lanterns
    In agreement we nodded and expelled the hundred thin dancers


    now we are shifted ahead of the previous lines into new territory, which is blurred by the first few lines already. Thrust into two characters never introduced but , none the less in action apparently. but this bar is good, once you settle down the two lines are nice, for rea....I like hundred thin dancers part, in agreement ;)


    the next stanza has similar micro problems:

    We tightened the sash of our tunics, the cold winter apron
    because warmth was something of which the Persian night showed no bold indication
    And although congealed with our old dispensation,
    our superior caste allowed us the waters to flow information


    where are these dudes ? the title is Christmas, but you know you have to show it not tell it. IT is overall nice, but the line at the end:

    us the waters to flow informatoin...im not hitting with that imagery well, does not add to the overall theme, mood, and tone to story...well maybe tone but yeah.


    I can go on but I think I used enough examples .

    SO to telescope out I mean by clearly stated what is going on and who is who, and what is what. you use such fine , often smart words that it faults. Remember it all makes sense in your head, but you really have to right for the reader. Make suer its clear to them.


    Reread Cigmas feedback in your battle this week. Ive read it and completely agree with what he is saying.

    I hope this helped and I know you are skillful and can work this out.
    test
  9. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

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    At the beginning of this poem I give reference to famous poem Journey of the Magi....assuming that most people would read this poem first or atleast have read it before reading mine.

    It is assumed that people know that the Magi are most associated with the Three Wise Men...........Scintillation is like shimmering or sparkling as it pertains to astronomical bodies (i.e. stars).


    This verse is intended for the Biblically knowledgable....most people know that Daniel and Micah are prophets and their scripture foreshadows the coming of Christ. Since I am writing about Christmas their so unfullfilled answers are the so far unfullfilled prophecies (explanations, answers, etc.).


    I understand your point but you are just not an informed reader on this part. It's rather simple if you had knowledge of the Bible and of T.S. Eliot's poem, which I plainly cited in the beginning. this was my take on his poem. Not really completely orignal at all...

    "us the waters to flow informatoin" no imagery just a play on words. "waters" "flow"

    I am sorry I am still not getting what you are talking about telescoping....the only real problem I might see is ugliness of "waters to flow" because it gives an idea of running water while my people are suppose to be in the snow....

    But your other problems with my story was just your lack of knowledge on the subject

    Tell me something else.....

    Im not trying to be a dick, I'm serious, I respect your opinion because u are the best writer on this site...
    test
  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    your right, I have little back ground knowledge, and that may explain my problems with this peice.
    test
  11. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

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    I still dont know what u mean about telescoping out...I really wanna grasp that idea so I can do well in this weeks competition against CK...its gonna be a tough one because he's a pretty good writer
    test
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