Championship Match: 1. TheReturn (6-0) vs. 2. vada (4-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by J o o k, Nov 19, 2007.

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  1. J o o k

    J o o k Guest


    [​IMG]

    The New RSTL Rules and Regulations

    VERSES DUE: Thursday 11:59pm PST. NO RECYCLING.

    Verses posted after the deadline will not count! UNLESS you post your verse before mods close threads (for some odd reason), and your opponent agrees to let your verse stand.

    VOTES DUE: Sunday 8 PM PST. 4 votes per participant, POST LINKS in your match. Each link not posted will result in a 1 vote deduction up to 4 votes obviously.

    *Votes posted after deadline will not count in a tie or a close match, thus possibly resulting in a loss. GET YOUR VOTES IN.
    You are also required to vote on the Championship, and Contendership match which will be included in your 4 votes.

    If you are not in the league you cannot vote, unless you are an ex champion. Ex champions must vote on a minimum of 4 battles for their votes to count.

    *Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.

    *Verses MUST incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.

    *Anyone who does not post at least 4 lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.

    *During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.

    *Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a no-show.

    * EXSTENSTIONS will be granted on a case by case basis.

    *If your opponent no shows you will still be held accountable for posting TWO VOTES.

    *Votes must at least be 2 lines in length for each verse.

    NO SHOWS WILL COUNT AS A LOSS.

    Lastly: Moderators have FINAL say over all situations that arise.

    Amendments

    1. Mods can vote.

    2. You're opponent automatically gets the same extension deadline.

    3. You cannot win a championship by no show. You will become the number #1 seed, but you must win by vote to be a champion. This does not apply for defenses.

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  2. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
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  3. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
    .

    We had a beautiful thing...
    Me, you, and the tunes that we'd sing
    Forever going together like shoes and their strings,
    And what started as two singles, abusing a fling
    Ended with me in a room, with you and a ring,
    Asking me, to forever be your love and your wife
    'Cause nothing was right
    Before I slowly came in and snuck in your life.
    I still remember the hushing goodnights,
    The stuff we would fight about while cuddling at night,
    And how you told me you loved me, hugging me tight.
    I still remember how it felt to kiss you,
    How it felt to see the husband you developed into,
    And how you thanked me, for never making wealth an issue
    While you struggled door to door just to sell your issues.
    I still remember the words that the doctor would say,
    "It's daunting, but it won't be very long I'm afraid,
    Till the cancer takes his brain, and slowly rots him away"
    I still remember the shock and the rage,
    The questions to God and the loss of my faith,
    The vodka that knocked me out to stop the shot to my brain.
    And only one thing can prove to me that I'm not just insane,
    As I think about the song that was sung at the tracks
    When you whispered that you loved me, hugging me back.
    I remember your voice, telling me that our love is intact
    And certainly something special is what it was that we had.
    We had a beautiful thing...


    I'm trying to move on...
    But you still rest in the back of my mind
    When I sat to rewind back to what we had at the time,
    Back in the house, where now I have a new guy
    And the nights I see you in Heaven, I can imagine you cry
    As you look down on another man tagging your bride.
    I see tears running down your cheeks, asking me why
    Promising things would be different if you hadn't have died.
    And then the thought just hit me,
    That I should go to the place where we were often sitting,
    The railroad tracks where my father first caught us kissing,
    Where we sat as teenagers and fought the instinct
    Of sex, and these days the feeling's still strong, and simply
    The only thing different was that your love song was missing.
    So I thought back to the song that was sung at the tracks
    When you whispered that you loved me, hugging me back.
    Sometimes I hear your voice, touching and sad
    Reminding me of your love, and what it was that we had
    Eventually I ventured back to the dust of the tracks
    To try and prove to myself that my love is intact.
    And sure enough you're there, still young, and in fact
    So beautiful I can't stand it,
    So I leave you standing, while I run from my past...


    ...Please, just let me move on...




    [​IMG]

    .
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  4. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

    verses due friday due to thanksgiving
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  5. vada

    vada New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2002
    Messages:
    322
    The Life of a Hitman
    by Vada


    They used to laugh at me...so...the absentee of emotion
    It distracted me holding me back from actual growth
    I succumbed into nothingness…the erratic approach
    Left me gasping for air drowning in apathy's cove
    From this notepad that I hold…full of fallen family figures
    A solemn past I remember…I walked the path in December
    I caught a flash of the injured who all were actually limber
    Enough to bag up and zipper….all of em had to surrender
    Commonly packed in a blender, obviously that was the winter
    I dedicated my service these solemn acts that I rendered
    I killed the bad guys, the world thought me as an avenger
    And since they were criminals…no cop attacked me or hindered
    It caught me, trapped in a temper it took a lot what I did
    At times I closed my eyes when I through bullet shots at their heads
    Blankets of dirt, tombstone pillows….I put a lot in their beds
    And the meat deli became a little butcher shop for the dead
    Full of cops and the feds….politicians and more
    And everybody’s name was scratched out on this list that I formed
    Seven digit’s a corpse, I had a hideaway mansion
    By the way…in the hamptons…lets say I did this before
    No conscience at all I had these fuckers kissing the floor
    They were a “Target” and never even been to the store
    Nobody saw me, they didn’t even get to implore
    And if they did, well just say the picture was torn
    On their trips to the morgue…I remember all of it well
    I saw souls hanging on to the body to keep from fallen to hell
    All of em calling for help, filling my wallet with wealth
    You’d think the wind killed em the way that I could walk up in stealth
    I even followed myself but never seeming to rue
    I did the dirty work that not another breathing would do
    And if you needed the proof, well….you’d see in the news
    Every other weekend or two the death of some people you knew
    And never leaving a clue…secrets were trapped in the closet
    I shot the president…they said he died from natural causes
    The funny thing is I even took the body bag from the office
    And got to see the United States run by actual novice
    It caused a patronage conflict, but I was paid so whatever
    I was the face of forever….no one mistakenly better
    I had it made atleast until they gave me a letter
    With my last job….basically a crazy endeavor
    A million 80 in chedder…I saw the picture of the man
    And dropped it on the floor, my gun trembled in my hand
    I never had a conscience, see I just killed them understand
    I never thought twice, I shot right?…then sent em to the sand
    I didn’t get a chance…but now I needed to change
    I looked at the picture again and said im leaving the game
    I could do it, this is foolish, this was me getting framed
    Believe me it’s strange, I loaded up my piece and I aimed
    My thesis became a vision,…it was clear that I got
    Myself into some shit, and now that I was near to the top
    I feared it would stop…
    I took another glimpse just to see
    Well…the picture was me…
    so I looked into the mirror and shot



    :::



    "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster...when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."
    -Friedrich Nietzsche


    :::​
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  6. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    309
    WOW, this is gonna be hard, two great versus, and I dont know who to vote for. Well maybe I will figure it out while I am writing this.

    Return: "I really liked this verse, I would have never thought of someone seeing that pic that way, but it was a great setup. The whole verse was easy to follow along with. A very complete verse, I applaud you.

    Vada: Ok this verse, is gonna have me thinking all fucking night because I dont understand why the hitman will kill himself for a million 80 that he can t touch. To me this was a very great verse filled with great imagery and your writer's voice was awesome.

    Vote:The Return. I have to go with the return for the simple fact that the ending of Vada's verse seemed rushed. Where Return's verse cleanly came to an end. Vada's verse, just abruptly ended, when you were still expecting more. Good shit, both of u
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  7. Dicnyaeye

    Dicnyaeye N CuM oN Ya BrAiN

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2006
    Messages:
    251
    Return, That's the best use of that picture I can imagine. The character development of the passion in a marriage ended with cancer was cool and ur female narration sounded really natural with no real stale moments.... the reiteration in some lines seemed to be used as a dramatic reminisence so that was ok too.... It started slick cuz it didn't really bring the fact of the female writing voice until midway. It led to it nicely..... I did wanna see more of the details of death through cancer, would of added to the dramatic effect, but I guess the point was to remember the husband as strong and vital..... nice ending.

    Vada, your narration was strong, the flow was great and smoothly worded. U went through the character's development was quick and made the piece pick up fast into the life of a hitman, but I did think this was an easy plot to develop and not really as creative as I hoped to see. It was executed nicely though... would of liked to see a bit more imagery of a hit the character pulled off before killin himself. so..... who are you? ur obviously not a newb

    Vote TheReturn.... overall, just more complete from start to finish....
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  8. vada

    vada New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2002
    Messages:
    322
    he didn't kill himself....he shot at the mirror... the reflection of himself...the ending wasn't rushed it was supposed to be that way...the quote is the actual ending this was his way of leaving the game....sorry if u didn't understand
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  9. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    tr:
    there's just a few lines that aren't worded to perfection in terms of mechanics, but overall the flow is really fluid

    nostalgic and sad (mind you i'm allergic to corny stuff, but you managed to stay on the right side of the dividing line between 'poetic' and 'bathethic' - yes that's a 'b' not a 'p'), great use of the picture to illustrate your ending, it fuses very nicely with your concept for this piece into a seamless whole

    overall great read

    vada:
    also some sloppy wording here and there, but overall tight lines (does wonders for the development and clarity)

    i don't know, the build up of the charachter was done nicely, but the ending necessitated more inner conflict to set the right mood for a suicide (which btw would make much more sense than him shooting the mirror, which would just be anti-climatic imo)

    overall cool read, but not enough to win

    vote: TheReturn

    more effective writing, better story
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  10. LokStok

    LokStok Fuck that LokStrok cunt

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2006
    Messages:
    2,684
    really enjoyable battle ..

    Return - this was nice man .. emotional value in this was spot on .. the writing was solid and pretty strong .. it wasn't a perfect verse and I'm not sure if it was better than last week as the theme is so different .. but you're keeping up a consistency at the moment of showing strong writing ..

    Vada - this was cool .. it wasn't up there with your previous pieces though .. it lacked that spark that has had me hooked on your stuff lately .. however it was still a nice verse .. and simply put would beat most in the league .. I do think the ending was the weak point though .. as it didn't really wrap up the verse fully .. good shit though ..

    Vote - TheReturn .. basically a more gripping and well rounded verse .. good verses from both but I just felt Return's piece was more complete and involving ..
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  11. Dicnyaeye

    Dicnyaeye N CuM oN Ya BrAiN

    Joined:
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    my bad for the misinterpretation of the ending. it makes it a lil better than just killing himself. not as good as return's still, but I dig it.
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  12. Mc_Revolver

    Mc_Revolver Rapmusic.com Audio Champ

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2000
    Messages:
    1,577
    I like both pieces.

    I have been on this forum for quite a long time. I have seen many people write about love, and thug life etc etc... assassinating presidents or whatever.

    I thought "the realist," had a nice piece though it was nothing new other than the picture at the end which was clever.

    I felt that Vada came very strong and if most of you understood the middle part of the verse and how it ended you would agree with me. If you didn't understand it than you would vote vice versa and I don't blame any of ya'll for your judgement. It wasn't like the same old shit you read everyday... some new shit fa sho!

    vote vada


    peace!
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  13. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2007
    Messages:
    659
    TR, first and foremost this piece came off as a beautiful and brilliant interpretation of the picture, the whole idea/concept to me was motion picture worthy in a sense, however i do think that you missed out on a lot of opportunities to make this verse a classice in my mind, there were a lot of areas/details left untouched and as it stands the verse really didnt offer too much story-wise to the reader, the flow was on point and very easy to follow (although at least one or 2 lines were off in syllables and threw me off for a second, but it never hurt the actual story so therefore it is irrelevant), the writer's voice was strong and the narration was the best aspect of the verse delivering great emotion and imagery and being easy enough to follow and never lose focus or have to re-read, i didnt read your verse from last week so i cant measure it up to that as others may have done, but for me it was a great idea and a good verse, i think you could have went in to more details though and offered a more in depth explanation as to their history and the significance of the death of her husband, but as is the verse still worked for me and painted an actual picture at the ending which tied greatly into the actual picture that you posted, good shit

    vada/vern, this piece was near flawless in my opinion (you spelled 'threw' as 'through'), a classic vern acular piece packed with excellent flow but you also delivered great imagery and descriptive details and where your verse lacked in emotion it actually offered more emotion to the reader for the actual protagonist in the end, i also thoroughly enjoyed the ending and the picture that you painted and the tie in with the quote and both topics, some might say it was predictable but sometimes predictable works, i think the ending was just what this verse needed and the rest of the verse supported the ending well delivering a solid foundation that rhymed like a motherfucker, i felt i knew everything about the character which built up the emotion as a reader and then ofcourse he would die (or presumably), overall a great drop in my book and a good read

    wow, this is the best champ match that i've personally had the privelige of reading since the return of the league (of course i never read last week's champ match), a tough one to call but honestly i'm going with the person who's verse felt more complete to me plus was mechanically better and arguably equal in all other aspects such as emotion and imagery and whatnot

    with that said, vote - vada in a great match up
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  14. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    vote = The Return...

    Return - your piece had some strong character development, good imagery, solid mechanics, and a nice touch of emotion althoug I knew here you were going with it and knew that it was going to be the same old heart ache without anything to really show for it at the end...good approach to the topic and a well written piece none the less...

    vern - I enjoyed your piece more, had return not written a really great piece of writing I'd be voting for you because your story was fast paced, more interesting, and the flow was smooth as all hell, but...your story could not have been any more predictable...the life of a hitman and you wrote the exact same story that everyone else did bar the ending...it was so painfully cliche...there's so many interesting things you can do with that subject, but you basically pulled your storyline from the video game.
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  15. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2001
    Messages:
    29,663
    The Return - Damn man.. That verse was fucking heartfelt. And you play the role of a chick nicely.. tehe.. anyways.. Great emotion. The flow was near perfect. I was able to 'rap' it to myself aloud. Imagery was strong, and I liked how you put the picture at the end instead of the beginning. I didn't know you were doing that picture until the last 8 lines or so. Content was great. You have a great writer's voice, and with that alone your vese went far for me. Again, a very heartfelt piece here, man. Good shit. I like the 'hook' you used, though.
    "So I thought back to the song that was sung at the tracks
    When you whispered that you loved me, hugging me back."
    Good shit IMO.

    Vern - This verse was immaculate. Seriously. I miss reading your verses from this league man, no doubt. The flow was flawless. Your multi-use is impeccable. I don't know anyone that can write with some smoothness on this site like you can, man. The storyline was great. I liked how it ended, shooting the mirror. The Abyss from the quote being the 'mirror' of course.. You took this a totally different way that I did.. lol.. The details and imagery alone won this match for you IMO.

    This was a great matchup. Both came solid. Best Champ match I've read in a LONG LONG time. Keep it up, guys.

    Vote - Vada.

    Great job both, and peep mine if my opponent shows.

    - Weez
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  16. S. Issue

    S. Issue Who?

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    908
    Return: this verse really made me kind of quesy to be honest. it makes me sit back and wonder about how good some people can possibly be at their craft. you made this piece really haunting and it kept coming back to me. it was well written, well worded, flowed nice etc. all over, just really strong execution.

    Vern: holy shit. can i just say how nice you are with yours. the flow was so smooth, the descriptions and the plot movement were so on point. i really like the metaphoric ending you came with too. the shooting of the mirror. though, i like the idea of not being able to really tell whether he is shooting himself or the mirror. having it be ambiguous would have been a hella tight finish.

    overall i had to go with the verse i felt had more gusto, more umph.
    Vote: Vern.

    good week guys
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  17. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

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  18. Baron Mynd

    Baron Mynd Swaggersaurus Rex

    Joined:
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    Yikes!

    The Return - I really enjoyed this piece, the flow was on point throughout, the overall mechanics and rhymescheme held it together well while the story moved along at a fairly fast pace and werent prolonged or overused, giving a more simplistic feel to something very well, intricately put together which shows some signs of you hitting the form you showed a year ago. Enjoyable read throughout...


    Vada - I knew you were Vern weeks ago, the style is just TOO similar but thats not necessarily a bad thing as it shows your style is recognizable I guess! Haha. Tight piece here, I admit, the ending had me thinking he shot himself too and your post afterwards made the entire thing slightly better I guess, but I have to agree with DiC here man. Mechanics wise you were both pretty well evenly matched and this is genuinly going to fall down to personal preference as the votes indicate but I think even you accept he got it this week as even you thanked him for a good showing and showed him props for ending your current run. Great matchup here, definatly made for a long but entertaining read from both camps.

    Vote - The Return
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  19. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    5,954
    Wow... forget what I said about the contender being battle of week...

    Vote: TheReturn

    Ultimately for me this came down to basic preference and OVERALL technique and language (I'm all about language and it's efficient use, because it's say easy to rhyme, so easy). Vada's piece, or Vern, whatever - reminded me of the show Dexter- one of my favorites, except that story is basically the opposite- anyway. I sort've knew where it was going as I progressed, the events were portayed perfectly and the rhyming worked well. It's really hard for me to find a flaw, except for maybe-some of the lines seemed to be there because the scheme fit, and unfortunately that's something we all have to deal with writing pieces with these rhyme schemes. It's not really a FLAW- just something I can't ever help to notice, being a fucking freak when reading poetry and stuff in these leagues.
    The ending seems to be the issue I've noticed- it worked, really really really really well, and people probably won't see it. The depth, so many layers to it.

    Anyway

    Return - fucking incredible - THIS is what I like to see, a topic of not so original origins (lol), and flipped into an amazing account of natural human emotion and insane character development. You made the dead character seem so alive in this piece, even though throughout we all knew he was dead. Just the female's description and essence of her love, so pure and involved, and so cut short- the devastation when realizing something perfect was destroyed by something no one can control. I've been ranting about this for so long in my head and in a few votes here and there. To me, in my opinion - the more creative and masterful piece is the piece where character and natural human emotion (whether the topic be the most basic and simple or not) are the focus- and using the language we all (well some of us) know so well, and bringing to life emotions that we feel, we all would feel, or have felt, so perfectly. I don't know, I ramble alot in my votes because that's just how I am. Whatever.

    Vote: Return - evently matched this week, came down to the better written piece basically, with preference in there as well.

    Yay for good writing.
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  20. .ApoGee.

    .ApoGee. Keep The Peace.

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2007
    Messages:
    162
    TheReturn.- This was a Cool piece, not what I expect from you. The flow was good, kept me going. The imagery you had though was good, I thought it could’ve been better. With some metaphors and similes and whatnot. The emotion was there, I think that was one of the best topical aspect you had in your verse. The concept is played, I’ve read pieces similar to this, but the approach you’ve took was in awe’. When I read the piece and saw the picture you had at the end of it, it shocked me. The imagery and the approach you had from that picture was brilliant and yet, you did it with simplicity. All in all, good verse brah.

    vada. Hmmm this was a nice verse. I like the story line, but every story line needs a good creative plot and you’ve mastered that well. But it wasn’t ‘creative’ though. It seemed so easy for you to get into, I’m saying, ‘think outside the box’. This was a good piece, but I thought the concept could’ve been better. The narration was good. There lots of Imagery as to who the character killed and why he killed them, nicely done. All in all, this was a good piece but I felt you could’ve tweaked the concept of the piece a little more. I was kind of bored but nonetheless, Good drop.

    V..TheReturn, more developed. ..Nice battle though.
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