Championship Match: 1. Eye-Rime2 4-0 v. Lucifa 16-5 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Got Life?, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005


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  2. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
  3. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Sep 28, 2007
  4. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001

    A phone rings in your pocket. You pull it out, only to see that it's not your phone. You answer.

    "hey Gino"
    "who is this?"
    "I want to let you know that I'm robbing your casino
    ..the Eldorado, Nevada, Reno.."

    he was fitted in black threads
    kitted with gadgets..nightvision glasses
    ..camo painted laptop..
    strapped up to the mainframe of the cash vault
    ..bypassing firewalls and security back-up..
    planting a virus in the entrance his hack took
    "I've attacked and assualted your system
    I've hacked your cash vault, if you listen
    you will hear the chamber release"

    "who is this?"
    he was a man walking the street
    "you want to know my name? bitch please
    worry about how I'll leave
    ..with ease..with these..
    millions of your currencies"

    the chamber lock frees..he gets up from his knees
    ..face stern and rugged..
    the chamber wheel turns to unplug it's
    pistons from sockets..hissing and popping
    his laptop fighting the system from stopping
    ..the vault from unlocking..
    "who is this?"
    he had simply reached in to his pocket
    after hearing the ringtone of this phone
    ..not his phone..
    "I'm the guy standing incaved in chrome gleaming clean..
    the reflection of the bills is perfection
    ..props to your cleaning team..
    but if you fucking hang up on me
    to call SWAT on me fucking son of a bitch..
    I'll plant C4 all over this shit and blow it to bits
    neither of us will be rich"

    "who is this?"
    he had already used his PDA
    to email Gino..his brother..warning of a thief at play
    "I traced your cellular phone so I know you're in Yellowstone
    I have it..the key to your palace
    I'm Indiana fucking Jones and your vault is my chalice
    do you hear that cash bitch?..yes, I'll have this
    ..and this.."

    "who is this?"
    "mother fucker are you insane?
    ..what's the big deal with my name?..
    I'm taking a chunk of your change and you're out of range
    there's no chasing game when I'm done"

    "that's you..won't have time to go on the run
    I asked who you are so..I could pass it on to Gino
    he's my bro..I've got his phone"

    "Francis?".."How do you know my..?".."well what are the chances?
    god dammit fucked up my plans bitch"

    "wait a that? it can't be
    YOU can't be!"
    .."Hey Harvey!".."huh?"
    "Francis it's Gino..your other brother's dead
    seems he took one too many to the head
    son of a fucking..anyways..thanks for the warning

    *clunk* and I'll have the janitor clean you up in the morning.."

    They were two voices..destined to be heard
    and through their choices..lessons could be learned
    ..sometimes a name can save your soul..
    and jealousy is a bitch..which will encage you whole
    enrage you slowly til you're lonely
    then out of character you will make your move
    I just hope for all goes smooth
    and you stick to your limitations
    because jealousy will be your invitation
    ..when you lay down..
    to the Devil's Playground

    don't envy the reaper​
  5. iLL niGGa

    iLL niGGa aka quriosity

    Jan 2, 2006


    His dilapidated shoes tapped the floor to a beat,
    Ripping through the pages ‘til he’s sore in the feet,
    Eyes enraptured by words, truly enjoying the treat,
    Of a well crafted book filled with gore and defeat,
    Mature in physique, glasses wrapped neatly around,
    His wrinkled and pale ears while he reads it aloud,
    “By Giovanni la Ricci,” it was his author of choice,
    Undoing his collar button as he sought for a voice,
    Choking to clear his throat while holding the plaid,
    …Shirt over his stomach; hands provoking his abs,
    Mildly rubbing his center as he scanned the pages,
    Buttocks glued to the seat as his hands enslaved it,
    Its words were captivating, verbs stealing his soul,
    Anticipating an ending that’s concealing his goal,
    Rapidly finishing pages; …like a dash to the end,
    Never noticing the people walking past with a grin,
    So absorbed by the plot; violently tapping his heel,
    Each and every noun feeling like a slap to the grill,
    Reading it aloud whenever he flattered a sentence,
    Already on chapter 10 within a matter of minutes,
    Scattered with menacing words attacking his heart,
    Reads it to the end and then goes back to the start,
    Continuing the same routine at the steadiest pace,
    Hand savagely shaking, wiping sweat off his face,
    But today was the day that he’d finish the book,
    Cold; staring at worn pages with a grimacing look,
    In the back, a little girl seemed to notice his pain,
    Waving frantically, arms just evoking his shame,
    She screams, but his ears are no longer receptive,
    Finally reaching the end and his soul is affected,
    He drops the book and then uncrosses his legs,
    Gripping the rests on the chair; starting to dread,
    Then suddenly the girl begins jerking his jacket,
    But he’s unconscious to the world and its racket,
    So he reaches into his pocket; holding the trigger,
    Fingers clasping tightly as he focused his vigor,
    And in seconds, it had ripped through his chest,
    Blue eyes slowly melted as it bit through his flesh,


    They found his lifeless shell slain in the chair,
    Along with the stench of human remain in the air,
    Right next to him lay what’s left of his daughter,
    Brutally maimed like the rest that he slaughtered,
    And on the injured list was a conceptual scholar,
    A Mr. Giovanni la Ricci lay suppressing a holler,
    Was the well known author of a selling confession,
    Consequently about a son that he never accepted,


    The End

  6. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

    Oct 20, 1999
    lucifa - dope verse, your flow was very on point, and that it made it very enjoyable for the most part. i know your topic was the whole cell phone not really being yours, but i got lost in your story man. like i liked the story, but teh names and stuff, i dont know, i really didnt know what was going on, like i got teh jist of it, and i got the beginning adn the ending, but inbtween i was wondering what was goign on. but your flow, again, on point, so overall dope verse, maybe i'm a bit slow or something but the story had me abit confused, i only read it once though, maybe on a reread it will play it

    eye-rime - well, very nice verse. your flow was very easy on the tongue, simple, but to me thats not a bad thing, i always opt for the simple rhyme scheme, cause if anything, it means people will finish your verse, lol. your story was very dope, i didnt like the ending, just plain didnt, lol...... but everything leading up to teh last stanza was pretty dope. the way you described each detail was dead on....

    this is a very nice match, nice, mos def champ materail, both of you. lucifa wrote a very nice story piece and eye wrote a dope detail piece, and i think when you look at it, it can either way, i usually prefer story pieces, but in this instance i like eye's piece cause it was very descriptive, i think lucifa would of had my vote but i was slightly confused and had to keep backtracking to understand teh story...

    vote - eye-rime
  7. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Aug 24, 2006
    Well...both had a lot of ups and a down for me.

    Lucy - I really liked the flow, and most of the wording seemed more natural than parts of Q's, the story was pretty cool with a man robbing his two brothers' casino (wondering why he isn't in on the profits as well though, or maybe he is and just wants all of it), the death was alright (actually on a second read maybe he just knocked him out cold), but the end part with the lesson felt kind of cheesy to me. I know I've written stories that I tied together with a larger lesson, but it was just such a switch up from the pace of the story that it seemed kind of weird just being stuck in at the end in this.

    Q Ball - Well, the pace was definitely a plus to the verse, which I enjoyed because I try to keep my writing fast paced, and I actually started reading faster as the descriptions increased which really helped to build a tension, the wording was good, not as forced as it usually sounds but still a couple parts that came off pretty forced (Conceptual scholar? Like as opposed to an actual one?) Also I didn't really like the ending, or actually, I don't understand it clearly. Either the guy reading is also the writer, Giovanni la Ricci, and he gets so mad thinking about his son that he wrote about that he kills his daughter and himself, which is kind of farfetched, or his father is Giovanni la Ricci and he himself is the unaccepted son, and it makes him so mad that he kills his daughter and his father, which is also kind of farfetched, or I'm just completely misinterpretting the situation, which I totally blame on you. Either way, something needs to be done to wrap this up better.

    With that said, I felt that Q had the better rhyming, but Lucy's story felt more complete and I didn't find as many faults with his verse, so my vote goes to Lucifa.
  8. Avirex

    Avirex New Member

    Nov 4, 1999
    since I have to vote on this match being that it's in the rules, im going get it out of the way. This is also the first match to be graded on my drama scale, I hope you are as excited as i am!

    Lucifa.. this was really a great read overall. You immediately started the verse in a way that made the reading more intense. The phone conversation was realistic and the way you worded the conversation was pretty much butta aka smooth as shit... There are very few writers who use so small of lines to make a story where the words have "long line" impact aka getting someone into a verse by thinking more clearly, from details. I liked the spot of the verse u included the 3rd character, the brother, and how u talk to the dead brother in that last line, lol....although the ending section is sorta confusing.. U say there are two voices destined to be heard.. do you mean destined to be heard by us, the readers, so that we can review our own life choices? if so I would have liked to know why that brother was mad enough at Gino to rob his casino, to examine the type of choice he made to carry out such a thing against a family member...but the message was solid.. and I like pieces that leave the brain to think about situations brought out from a story's message, as this one did, by showing what can come from revenge. even family dies over it..

    Q... ok there is a lot of confusion for me in this piece... only way this story makes sense is if the man reading who is "unrealistically" reading so into a book that he cant notice people waving an pulling on him, is a son who was reading a book his dad wrote about him not accepting him, or the book had something to do with killing his daughter, which I say because you speak of a "goal" he is anticipating to find towards the end of his read, and he ends up killing the daughter....but I dont even think you had that in mind, it just happened to play out that way.. It is set up after he kills the daughter to seem like he was mad at his dad..still doesn't really explain anything about the guy reading's background.... and why did he wait until just then to read the book and kill his daughter, if he had been killing people previously?.. if this is what the book was about, it was a very unclear due to no understanding of the daughters purpose or why she was in the same area her dad was while he spent all day reading a story he probably already read, which caused him to do the previous killings, though nothing is for sure here in this piece of writing that should be revised.... it was fun trying to unravel this cluttered story though.. maybe you were aiming for a funny verse this week that was meant to be told so bad that it was funny?, im not sure..... for constructive purposes i will lend my advice and let u know that you are making your word choices for your story incredibly limited due to you forcefully boxing your rhymes into a structure to make them match. it seems like your more interested in the look of your verse rather than the content... for example this part of your verse which was a fairly important piece with hope of it explaining maybe his previous deaths, falls short to me, and just reads weird ...

    Choking to clear his throat while holding the plaid,
    …Shirt over his stomach; hands provoking his abs,
    Mildly rubbing his center as he scanned the pages,
    Buttocks glued to the seat as his hands enslaved it,
    Its words were captivating, verbs stealing his soul,
    Anticipating an ending that’s concealing his goal,

    im not sure what the fuck this section means he holds a shirt other than his over his stomach and rubs on his belly? wtf? is he eating kids in his past time lol or just hungry while reading of his depression.. the more I think into your piece the more holes I find making me lost.. im going to stop here.. you should focus more on clarity and word choices instead of if your lines match at the end or not... takes away from making the story stronger..

    The Drama Scale:

    Natural Flow/mechanics - 91
    word choice - 89
    Story Interest - 88
    Creativity - 88
    Clarity - 88
    Overall B 88.8%
    would have liked to know more about the brother who robbed and why he did it, but respect the fact its left for the reader to interpret in their imagination.

    Natural Flow/mechanics - 84
    word choice - 80
    Story Interest - 75
    Creativity - 79
    Clarity - 77
    overall - C 79%

  9. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    Lucy - I think this was quite clever...definitely an interesting story and not one you see everyday in the league...hell it's even refreshing...from what I got is one brother calls another brother while really trying to reach the third brother and the two brothers on the phones get killed by the last brother...err yea...the flow was buttery smooth...I think the story could have been a little clearer...but I liked your repetition and the way you delivered the piece.

    Q - I get the whole thing about the book being by his father...but the whole...blows himself up with a trigger seems to out just doesn't fit the whole portrayal...and then killing his daughter just for the fuck of it...I dunno dude...the other thing is I felt is the flow was pretty smooth but it snagged here:

    Choking to clear his throat while holding the plaid,
    …Shirt over his stomach; hands provoking his abs,

    the reason being is you put a comma and then added ... for pause ... why would you pause twice in the middle of plaid shirt... should have been plaid- next line shirt...sure it would throw off your wonderful rectangle a little, but it would make the read smoother as you tell the reader to read straight through.

    I honestly feel that there wasn't enough to Q's piece to make it a better verse than Lucy's though Q's mechanics were stronger.

    vote = Lucifa.
  10. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Oct 16, 2007
    lucy ford:

    the scenery was vivid, i could almost hear noises and see what was happening... the story had me engaged even though you didn't drop any heavier sort of knowledge on me... entertaining

    i like how you structured your flow, it was a little hard to catch at first... if i were to offer any point of critique its that you shouldn't alter to the point where it's dependant on the reader altering prounanciation and speed


    cool verse, intense development although i think i missed a plot turn or two here... solid descriptions, displaying a good grasp of more elusive metaphorical-type writing...

    rhyme was effing fluid... pretty damn remarkable how you made your verse look like a symmetrical rectangle haha

    both writers impressed me technically (with the edge going to eye) but overall i think lucifa grabbed me more here, and without much else to separate the two verses i have to cast my vote that way

    vote: lucifa

    quality battle fellas, props
  11. SpeedyCalhoun

    SpeedyCalhoun Obviously...

    Feb 19, 2005
    This was a hard one for me:

    This verse was great. Especially since I couldn't do this pic (I tried!) myself. I felt you did justice to the act of reading a book. You made the reader of your verse want to have an experience like that of the reader in your verse. The word choice was nice, but in some instances contradictory. For ex:

    You made it a point to say "Buttocks"

    Then in a later line "slap to the grill,"

    My only complaint...

    You're ridiculous. Just by the way you constructed this verse, but still had the flow to rival Q's verse was incredible. I had to read it some times before I got the whole plot, but it was worth every read. I think the clarity might have been called in to question sometimes, but overall, good shit.

    This is my 3rd time coming back to vote on this thread. I couldn't find anything wrong with the verses for a while. But in the end...

  12. Infinite Truth

    Infinite Truth ...scatterboxx rocks.

    Aug 25, 2000
    i love lucy...
    & this verse was cool. rhyming was on point, the concept was pretty cool, the story was pretty cool, the flow outdid q's [even tho q tried to mask it with the similar line lengths lmao]... alright. but here's the thing...
    i HATED the ending. i'm sorry man.
    but that last stanza... mad corny bro. not up to par with your usual stuff. it killed me. i was so disappointed in the ending... it had me captivated & then it broke my heart.
    a story like that THRIVES on a crazy ending... &... yours didn't work for me.

    awkward flow. nice try with the line lengths tho. but i got it... there were some flowmatic shit. some sets of 4 that were on. luckily... flow doesn't really matter in txt, because no one will ever completely hear it indentically to how it was written... so if it flowed to you... cheers. rhyme scheme was nice. constant multis, that worked & weren't as so damn complex as mine. lmao. so it was simple & easy, but enhanced the rhythm where the flow seemed off. the story outdid lucy's in my opinion... as i said before, it killed your finale dukes... making it pretty easy to top. & q did it.


  13. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Oct 25, 2002
    Pretty tidy verse, flow was hot and the story wasn’t bad.. The opening cpl of bars set up a good world and your last few sealed it fairly nice – the mid was a bit ehh.. There where a few things that could have been fixed.. a word here and there that threw it off a bit.. I wasn’t a fan of the facial expression when the stories based on what he can hear but meh.. The description of the actual robbery was fire and the story in its entirety was interesting.. Good drop dude.

    OK so im like story wise as soon as your like Giovani Ricci im like this will be a religious attack piece for sure.. And yup.. though I did love it’s delivery, smoothness and quit honestly one of the first professional twist in a plot that I didn’t see coming.. Flow was tight and though not as strong as usual – it still held it’s own.. I really enjoyed the read thank you..

    Lu’s I just felt it should have been more about what he was doing/done or about to do then about who's on the phone.. with Q’s though I predicted the action in the story the build up to reason why was meticulous n subtle which left me honestly surprised at the revelation.. which in take made for a better read.. Good drop dudes n g/l


    um shit edited cause it was obvious who i vote for but i didn't actually type it so i thought i better

    vote = eye-rime

  14. Baron Mynd

    Baron Mynd Swaggersaurus Rex

    Jul 16, 2003
    Okay, here goes nothing...

    Lucifa - Pretty tight start to this entire thing, you laid down the foundations well, got down a good starting point that threw the reader right into the thick of things from the off. It was a great way to start the verse, really drawing the reader in there. I liked that. The shorter bars seemed to work well along with this too, it added almost a zip and a rushed feel, not to the story, but to the action and created a really fast-paced atmosphere as it read. This seemed shorter than your usual drops, and the only real niggle I had is that when you brought in the dialogue, and it had to rhyme, it came off slightly awkward and not very realistic sounding. I always feel that if your going to use dialogue in a piece, and its a great tool to utilise, it has to come off realistic sounding. I as well thought a little more clarity would of helped this along leaps and bounds, but for what its worth this was a pretty creative drop, with a sort-of unexpected twist to it, narrated well, and something a little different about it. Which I think could make the difference here...

    Great little section right there. The transitions came off almost effortless, like you were in freeflow mode. A job well done.

    Quriosity - By the end of this, I couldnt help but feeling you sold us a little short. It was a very quick piece to read through, especially with the flow and the shorter line lengths, it made for a very swift read. Your verse had a real poetry feel for me this week, a sort of implied rhythm or cadence to it that got very methodical and had a sort of mechanical feel to it at the same time. I think your imagery and word choices right throughout this piece were spot on, very detailed. I also sort of clicked what was about to happen when you mentioned the name of the guy, and thought it was only a minor thing, up until that point I had no idea there was a bomb. I dont know whether that was down to you hiding it well or not, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and saying it was. Very, very, difficult match-up here, two almost polar opposite verses which is why the votes are so contrasting right now, but based on personal preference I always go for the verse which entertained me more, and on this occasion, I'm afraid I've got to go with Lucifa...
  15. MetaSin

    MetaSin I Don't Believe In You...

    Jan 20, 2002
    This was a pretty dope battle.

    Lucifa... Man everything up until that "moral of the story" stanza was fresh... It was a good idea, and i was surprised when there were actualyl 3 brothers involved at the end. I thought the flow was real smoothe, especially because the dialogue didn't falter at all. That last stanza kinda made me upset tho, because it was a warning to stay away from the devil's playground blah blah... That was weak after such a good verse IMO...

    Q- I liked your flow... I think it helped build the suspense of the verse right from the start. This is obviously a more traditional story piece, not as initially interesting as Lucifa's verse, but I'm actually pretty interested in where this is going. I liked the part where the girl notices his pain, and in the end it's revealed to be his daughter... That was a very slight detail into the girl's insight, when originally I didn't know how she could've known something was wrong with the main character. Your ending wasn't mind blowing, but was solid none the less.

    This is hard to vote on for me, because where Lucy's verse was a bit more entertaining, and less traditional, that ending was just blah... it took my interest from a high, to a low in like a second. Q's verse wasn't as engaging the entire time, but his ending, although not phenomenal, was solid.

    My vote is for Eye-Rime for the simple fact that I feel his entire verse was tied together better than Lucy's. This was far more entertaining a battle than I expected, and veeeeery close. Good job to both of you for putting on a Championship Calibre match.
  16. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Dec 4, 2005
    Luc - I remember when I read that topic, the first thing I thought of was Ocean's Eleven, and I'm not saying you did the exact plot, but it def followed that outline somewhat. Flow was def the best aspect of your verse, it def moved along very smoothely. I'm not sure if it's because I'm wicked tired right now, but your verse was kinda hard to follow and I had to read it twice to figure out what the fuck was going on at the end. I think you should have developed the end of the story a little bit more. Rhyme scheme was off and on. I saw a lot of people say they thought the moral bit at the end was corny, but I thought it was a good way of wrapping up things. To be honest, I've seen better from you, but I've also seen worse. I think you could've been a bit more creative, or at least, that's what I've come to expect from you.

    Q - First things first, I hope your not one of these people that goes by the physical length of the line to determine your flow, just because all your lines are the same length doesn't mean they flow, really, when you do that and one line is just one syllable off, it makes it soo much more noticable. Also, a couple rhyme sounds were a bit of a stretch to rhyme, dread and legs are the one that stick out in my mind right now. Also, Along with the stench of human remain in the air, that wording annoyed the fucking shit out of me, idk if it's a typo, or if you were just forcing a rhyme, but it annoyed me. Mechanics and grammar aside, really solid verse. I was intrigued the whole time about where this was going. I never heard of the author mentioned, but the tone of the verse def helped me see where this was going, though the ending was still somewhat surprising. Your writers voice wasn't as good as lucifa's, but for some reason your verse was a lot easier to follow. I really enjoyed the twist, and I felt your verse was more creative.

    Vote - Q...
  17. MrMister

    MrMister Urizen

    Feb 6, 2003
    Vote - Eye rime

    Lucifa - I liked this piece it read away smooth, but due to the fact that
    you had conversation and story telling mixed in bars
    it kinda took away from the enjoyment as it got kinda confusing
    but I liked the whole mix up of holding sumelses phone
    and that being your own brother and the whole brother scheme
    killing one another was nice I liked it

    Eye - I liked this man, it demanded my attention and the flow was ok
    could have been better but it was just executed well. I liked how you
    went from a dude reading a book
    to a dude sitting in a place where he murdered people
    with any hickups on flow or story line

    to my eye just had the better story and better mechanics to go with it
  18. .ApoGee.

    .ApoGee. Keep The Peace.

    Nov 6, 2007
    First Read. Not alot of writers can pull of a good dialogue including with a rhyme-scheme and you pulled it off, it was just so smooth and realistic, flawless. The best aspect of your verse was def the story-line and the concept, in addition to that, the approached you took towards the Topic. I like the twist you've put at the end, I'm thinking the brother was really going to rob his own brother casino and then all of a sudden the third brother comes in and just destroys everything. As I think about it, if you didnt put that third brother in, then the whole piece would be just predictable, wouldn't it? Overall, Great write. No weak aspects here, everything was flawless.Nice.

    Second Read. Perfect structure and the syllable count was head on. The best aspect of this piece was def the story-telling, I like your concept you had behind it. But what really confuses me is the transaction from one character to another, you didn't do it clearly. I'm thinking just because the daughter was bothering him in some way while the character was reading, the dude shoot his daughter and them himself in regret but it didn't seem like the case. The weak aspect is just that, the transaction and the ending, I think it just abruptly stopped. The mechanics was dope IMO.

    V/ Lucifa, why because his story-line was just so smooth, even though Eye-Rime had the better mechanics, Lucifa just entertained me more as a reader.
  19. GodLooksUpToMe

    GodLooksUpToMe You do too

    Mar 10, 2008
    i read ur verse a couples times 2 get the flow down right than another time just 2 get wat happened. after all that i was impressed by the verse. for the most part it had crazy imagery which is great 4 a story like this. i actually didnt mind the closing stanza like the others. overall i cant give this less than 8/10 just 4 the difficulty

    q -
    smooth read compared 2 lucis verse. ur verse had suspense out the ass lol. structure was good and flow was on point if u just read it fast. that made the verse seem shorter than it actually was. overall 7. 5

    vote- luci for a more entertaining verse
  20. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Mar 18, 2008
    luc - i read this a few times to fully get the point of what you were saying. isn't overly much i can say that is different to what other people have mentioned. the flow let the piece tell itself rather than being taken trying to get the 'mechanics' to be all that crazy. which is not what this piece needed. over all a highly enjoyable piece i felt.

    q - my main thing with this piece is that some of your wording throws me off. it may just be me being thick as shit, but a few of the lines had me reading back over them a couple of times to get what you actually meant. some bits seemed like they were crowbarred in so that the length of the lines was the same. this really threw me off in getting into the piece. over all it was a pretty decent verse.

    good champ match guys.

    vote - luc
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