Championship Match: 1. Dark Nebula 5-0 V. 1. Atheist 40-11 V. 2. GotLife 28-13

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by DiC GeTs GuLLy, Aug 21, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2005
    Messages:
    2,962
    [​IMG]


    RSTL RULES AND REGULATIONS

    RULES AND REGULATIONS - THERE'S SOME NEW SHIT SO CLICK AND READ


    The Standard League Rules will still be Enforced

    Due Dates

    VERSES DUE: Friday 12:00am PST/3:00am EST
    Verses posted after the deadline will not count!

    VOTES DUE Sunday: 12:00am PACIFIC/3:00 Midnight EST
    Votes posted after the deadline will not count!

    • Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.
    • Verses must incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.
    • Anyone who does not post at least 4 rap lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.
    • During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.
    • Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a “show” but will not result in a match. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent posts between 16-64, you will lose the match but you will remain in the league. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent does not show, you will “Win by no-show”.

    Voting:
    • If you do not show you can still vote and post the links in your match to receive full voting points. In addition, if you do not show, yet vote on at least 4 matches (Or, every match available, should there be less than 4 matches to vote on) you will remain in the league.
    • Votes must be hidden! To hide a vote, first thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. The last thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, a backslash “/”, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. Unhidden votes will not count towards the match or towards your vote requirements.
    • No second chance votes! If your vote has been edited, even it was only to hide it, your vote will not count towards the match or towards your vote requirements.
    • No bias votes! If you have a personal investment in wanting someone to lose, whether because that member voted against you once, or you just don’t like that person, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match. If have a personal investment in wanting someone to win, whether because they’re crew member, or because you want to face that person in the next week’s brackets, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match.
    • ”Bias” must be confirmed by a Moderator.
    • If there is a match which you will not be able to vote on, due to “Bias” of any type, state so within your match prior to Verses Due Deadline. If this reduces the number of matches available for you to vote on to the point where you are unable to vote on at least 4 matches, the point scale will be adjusted according to how many matches you do vote on.
    • 3-ways are inevitable. In order to provide a tie-breaker in a 3-way, you are now required to indicate in what order the contestants finished (1st, 2nd, 3rd).
      anyone who does not show or vote is suspended one week and must sign-in again to be inserted the following week.



    Topics: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1004335
    test
  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Nods...I see you both...
    test
  3. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2002
    Messages:
    1,707
    test
  4. DIVINITY FLOWZ

    DIVINITY FLOWZ New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2004
    Messages:
    449
    test
  5. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2002
    Messages:
    1,707
    Topic: You wake up and a gun is pointed at your head.


    The fleeting mist of dreaminess waned.
    Her mind was shook, sober,
    as its haze evaporated…and once again, reality took over.
    Angie rubbed her smooth shoulders. This was a bubbly teen
    who was troublesome, meek,
    and would use any excuse for a couple more Z’s.
    But a disturbing thought weighed hard on her mind;
    a recent memory, an event she’d seen…
    it was larger than life,
    and she couldn’t shake it.
    More than that,
    she couldn’t face it;
    it was the type of incident that shook foundations.
    That’s why she wanted some sleep and its quieting lull.
    But suddenly she jerked forward…
    as cold steel pressed the side of her skull. (10)

    “WHAT DA FUCK ARE YA DOIN’!?” the intruder barked,
    gripping the pistol tight…clutching it unusually hard.
    Angie grimaced in anguish, as his hands brazenly clawed
    around her throat, as he forced her face to the wall.
    All she could see were coarse fingers that appeared familiar.
    But she kept tight-lipped…
    afraid this man was here to kill her.

    He tightened his grip angrily, until his hands were weak,
    as tears rose,
    formed,
    then strolled down Angie’s cheeks.
    “Answer me!” he grunted, forcing her to look upwards,
    and when she saw his face she tried to speak…
    but instead stuttered. (20)

    “W-why you d-doin’ this?” she cried through coated tears,
    as she looked inside her father’s opal, clear,
    and determined eyes. She grew nervous and coy
    at the sight of his bloodcurdling poise. He sighed,
    “…I know you murdered that boy.”
    She froze, dropping her eyes to the glint of his police badge,
    “Why’d you do it?” he continued, “you at least owe me that.”

    But she didn’t respond, and he was fed up of waiting,
    cause her silent act was clearly testing his patience.
    “Look, when they found his body I was called in myself,
    and I found one of your lockets,
    covered in blood on the shelf. (30)
    Now I’m a cop, sooner or later I’ll find out, so why wait?
    C’mon…the guy was your boyfriend, Andy, for Christ’s sake!”

    She suddenly burst into tears, weeping uncontrollably,
    “I’ll tell you everythin’,” she said, “But take a hold of me…
    and please, don’t let go of me.”
    So as she spoke
    he pulled her close.

    “Well,” she said, “That day he wasn’t at school…you know?
    It wasn’t like him, hell, I don’t think he’s ever missed a day,
    so I dropped by his house, just to see if he was feelin’ okay.
    Cause ever since he was diagnosed with cancer…
    something was off,
    He never spoke of it, so I assumed something was wrong.
    But when I knocked and rang, there was no answer, see…”
    She paused momentarily,
    dabbing her tears with a handkerchief.

    She then continued, “So I used the key under his doormat
    to let myself in…that’s when I found him, on the floor and (40)
    surrounded by empty pill bottles and a few pallid capsules.
    Then I saw bullet hole in his head,
    and I threw up in the bathroom.”
    She choked on tears, “God, daddy, I can’t believe he’s dead!”
    “Lay low for a while,” he replied,
    resting her head against his chest.

    The next day he awoke, fingers stroking his scruffy hair.
    And he entered his daughter’s room,
    but saw she wasn’t there.
    He sat on the side of her bed, feeling feeble and spent,
    clutching onto the faint hope that he’d see her again.

    * * * * *

    So as you read this tale you’ll see a woman in disaster,
    a father’s love and loyalty…
    and that humans have compassion. (50)
    But on closer inspection, you’ll notice a lesson coming through;
    truth is subjective, and damn, it’s sitting right in front of you.
    See, the truth is…Angie lied about how Andy died.
    It’s true he had cancer, but it was like this; she ran inside
    with a cocktail of drugs and a pistol for good measurement,
    so in case the pills failed, she still could end it quick.
    See, she loved him so much she committed euthanasia,
    cause in her mind, it was all that she could do to save him.
    So as she runs from her past,
    She’ll look to the skies, confused and
    sitting alone, left to wonder…“Was I right to do this?” (60)


    Topic: Killing With Kindness.
    test
  6. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2005
    Messages:
    2,962
    Topic: Provoking Fate

    I was waking up when it happened, hearing the sounds of screaming
    The smoke filled my lungs and choked me while I was dreaming
    Until it had drowned my breathing, I wondered around feeling dazed
    Seeing my village under attack and my house was in flames
    Running for cover, I tripped and fell on someone I smothered
    Looking up under my small frame I find it's my baby brother
    I try to pick up his body, but it's too heavy to carry
    I cry then see my friend struggling cuz her head has been buried
    I dig her out of the dirt, soldiers search our grounds for their thirst
    To murder our men and rape our women in their gowns for desert
    Our tribe gives thanks to the ostrich for supplying us food
    They've disgraced out sacred symbol while taking lives of our troops
    Me eyes getting blue as the fire dries the tears in my ducts
    Vision is blurred so I run away from where I was hearing the guns
    I fall again only this time my landing is soft
    I recognize a hazy pattern and it's my family's cloth
    I'm able to must enough stress to get my eyes to pour
    Which cleans the dirt and smoke in them as I cry some more
    Clearing my sight; seeing our bloody natives lie on the floor
    While the mothers lay motionless, getting raped
    - their souls have died and they're torn
    Unable to fight anymore...they get kidnapped and enslaved
    The ones that were able to push back were burned to ash in their graves
    Children thrown in a wagon, I didn't know what would happen
    But they killed our people so I hid under some clothes in a basket
    Feeling enclosed in a casket as death became the stench of my home
    My name's Gudelupe, I'm 15 and I just wish to be grown
    So I could die with my brother, maybe even save the life of our mother
    By killing these evil, demonic, ghost faced white mothafuckas
    I lay still without moving after the massacre ended
    Feeling the pain numb my brain like I'm left with half of my senses
    They've tortured my brethren and left me with nothing, but memories
    Vengeance will be mine as my thoughts shift to hunting my enemies



    Topic: Courage within Fear

    Rage is building inside me, too many feelings I'm hiding
    I search for the warrior's souls who have been killed or are dieing
    Pray to the Gods, I'm no longer trying to escape
    I'm facing the job to stand and protect our lives from this fate
    There's several arrows laying on the shallow grass and a bow
    Waiting until I have a clear space, I travel real slow
    Sliding across the gravel, my arms slither, I grab it and go
    It's time to avenge my family's honor and let these savages know
    Rising behind a tree and I quickly climb to the top
    My eyes aim is locked, laying on a limb, I'll fight til I drop

    Unloading the first, a whole in his shirt makes one roll in the dirt
    Blood flowed to the Earth,
    turning the ground to auburn pudding molds of the jerk
    It's hard, but controlling my thirst so my focus is clear
    Find the perfect place to burn their brain... the strike explodes through his ear
    The horse he rode is steered and assists me in causing distractions
    Kicking his feet into their teeth like an applauding assassin
    They fall from the damage and most don't move anymore
    He runs to me, I jump from the branch into the groove of the horse
    He gallops and kicks another soldier right through his chest
    I watched him fly with his eyes rolling back inside of his head
    The last piece of ammo, I take a deep breath and proceed to handle
    Seeing him point a gun back as I release the arrow
    I watch my blade tear his face and see a fire that's blast.....
    Ignite from his hands as his last shot rides through its path,
    But the horse, my new friend, shields me from my fate
    As his head is leaking, badly bleeding, bucking and screaming, he shakes
    Then a shiver and he collides as I land on his side
    Hug him for the love he gave and I stand in the light
    Insanity climbs and tortures every fibre of me
    But I'm glad I didn't stay quiet in the eyes of these beasts
    I've relied on the peace of my love in a tribe of relief
    Since that life is deceased, I had to fight and slice through the beef


    Topic: Sucess usually comes to those too busy to be looking for it.
    Henry David Thoreau
    test
  7. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2005
    Messages:
    2,962
    [HIDE]Because of Tek's obvious hatred for me and following the rules of the league and even abusing mod powers when he was still modded this week, his vote will not be recognized in my match.

    I have several threads of evidence to prove his biased actions (like posting in the mag while it was closed for wack ass attention) if needed and all the mods can confirm that he has been a hater of me for the entire week.

    That's all

    Biased voting is against the rules so I will be enforcing this one.

    Thanks[/HIDE]
    test
  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Dare to Dream

    Dare to Dream

    Perfection blistered the suns rays as summer ran free,
    Enveloping Tennessee in bliss and utter harmony,
    Moving beyond the summer’s sprees and jubilees,
    We first meet John Keyes, half black half Chinese,
    Whispering a prayer for his family from his knees,
    You see his dad had a disease that put him at ease,
    Now he and his mother were left bare to the world,
    As he saw his mom lay like a fetus crying and curled.

    At the time John didn’t know much about Cancer,
    So he dared to dream becoming an advancer,
    “If I become a doctor...I will know the answer.”
    This is why his spirit became an enhancer,
    Not just for himself, but for his mother too,
    Because it seemed that feeling blue didn’t renew,
    Indeed those last summer days they sang together,
    Promising to always out last the dying weather.

    Unlike most boyish dreams, John’s never stopped,
    That’s why whenever he flopped he’d go and adopt,
    A stronger will and push forward with dedication,
    Never giving in to frustration or a lustful temptation,
    Indeed the combination of his focused concentration,
    Forced away procrastination from his vivid imagination,
    As he traversed from middle school to junior high,
    Always dreaming, never stopping to say goodbye.

    Now in junior high life slapped him in the face,
    He finally had to embrace the issues surrounding race,
    As a redneck teacher plotted to devastate his date with fate,
    It seemed that for John’s luck was a little too late,
    But there was his mother giving him the needed support,
    Guiding him from falling short to the Basketball court,
    You see she knew at six foot three, he’d soon be,
    Putting up the kind of numbers he’d need to guarantee,
    A one way ticket from high school to medical school,
    Where all he dared to dream for would finally pool.

    Now things continued to accelerate faster than before,
    Yet John was still able to ignore every basketball whore,
    Well that was until he hit grade ten cause that’s when,
    Johnny met Jen…
    And Jen…well she was always a considerate lover,
    She’d lie upon that blue bed cover letting John discover,
    That unforgiving bittersweet nectar that he drank as a wine,
    Until he raised her on a pedestal as a goddess divine.

    Hell she was even by his side when John’s mom died,
    She was with him outside holding him close as he cried,
    Planning out a future where he and she could be forever,
    By that I mean she wanted him to leave her…never,
    But they’re just eighteen and young love’s never clever,
    Especially under the preying eye of her father’s endeavor,
    You see he would brood contempt for his shooting guard,
    Since his baby girl dating a n.ig.ger left his reputation scarred.

    The funniest thing was that racist prick was John’s coach,
    The same guy who always came with a smiling approach,
    Always giving him a big plastic grin and a slap on the ass,
    “A guy with your talent doesn’t even need to pass”.
    He’s the same prick, who rode John toward a college job,
    Now he to could finally become a sophisticated snob,
    But when push came to shove, he blackballed John,
    Telling college after college that John would act upon,
    His own selfish desires and never cared for others,
    He even said John fucked other player’s mothers.

    When John approached him asking, why?
    Why did you cripple my dream?
    He spit in his face and laughed then repeated, “Dream!”
    “We killed the last n.ig.ger who had a dream…”​
    test
  9. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    [hide] I have no problem with the tek situation...I'm going to hope anni is a big enough man to not continue being a gerbil after last weeks incident [/hide]

    votes:

    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    test
  10. [woe]

    [woe] masterShake

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2006
    Messages:
    68
    [hide]
    Ok. I went through and read each verse earlier in the day, then sat back and let them all sink in.

    After re-reading to reaffirm my thought process, I see it as this.

    1. Atheist
    2. GotLife?
    3. Dark Nebula

    Ath-
    Your verse started off nicely, setting the scene and giving a little foreshadowing to the little twist to come. Then you jumped into the action head-on, leading the reader through the story. I wasn't really expecting the whole Dad/Cop boyfriend murder case thing to come so soon but it was nice, saving the twist for the end seems to be the only way we writer's do it. Flow and imagery were well on-point.

    So as you read this tale you’ll see a woman in disaster,
    a father’s love and loyalty…
    and that humans have compassion. (50)
    But on closer inspection, you’ll notice a lesson coming through;
    truth is subjective, and damn, it’s sitting right in front of you.
    See, the truth is…Angie lied about how Andy died.
    It’s true he had cancer, but it was like this; she ran inside
    with a cocktail of drugs and a pistol for good measurement,
    so in case the pills failed, she still could end it quick.
    See, she loved him so much she committed euthanasia,
    cause in her mind, it was all that she could do to save him.

    ^ Fav part with a nice little twist added in.


    Dark
    I really wasn't feeling your first part. I know it set the scene for the rest of the story and gave a good approach to the topic(s), but it just didn't appeal to me.

    The second part definately outshone the first, giving a great view to the topic and a nice story to boot. But I felt that your approach to the topic from beginning to end was obvious and wasn't as entertaining as I hoped it would be.


    GL
    Your flow was nice and the story you lead me through was entertaining, but I wasn't feeling the topic itself. The ending was like a bad punchline to a joke as well. That whole "why don't black people dream?" thing. Just kind of left me with a sour taste in my mouth after I finished your verse.

    Moving beyond the summer’s sprees and jubilees,
    We first meet John Keyes, half black half Chinese,
    Whispering a prayer for his family from his knees,
    You see his dad had a disease that put him at ease,
    Now he and his mother were left bare to the world,

    ^Liked that. The flow was nice and you did well at describing John's position in life.

    But.. I think Ath got it, then Got, then Dark. Good verses from all.[/hide]
    test
  11. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 1999
    Messages:
    5,954
    [hide]Atheist had an incredible piece, right off the bat I was very impressed. The flow was stellar and rhyming was good. However, the thing that really impressed me the most was the piece's structure. I stress ALOT on structure because when reading TEXT I like to visualize what I'm reading (as everyone does), but when someone writes something that allows the visual input to come to me naturally, without effort... well, I love it alot. Alot of my favorite works ever are my favorites because the structure is made just as important as the content.
    As I read Athiest's piece ( which I read about 5 times, as well as the other entries), I noticed how each break in stanza is like a scene change, or camera change in a movie scene. Brilliant, the piece flowed so naturally, making it real easy to read and REAL easy to absorb into. The characters were given individual spot lights, making all the characters important, including the murdered Andy, which I thought was really important being that he had no lines, and no real PHYSICAL interaction with the other characters (in real time that is). Anyway, I could write more about this piece but I think I summed up what I liked best. STRUCTURE and FLOW, very nicely done.
    _____________________
    DIC
    Man, another really nicely written piece. After reading it 5 times, I saw alot of what I love and some of what gets on my nerves. Though alot more former and alot less in the latter.
    Flow was good, it was easy to read and kept the story intense the entire time. No real breaks of emotion, just smooth transitions from confusion and desperation to anger, fury and vengeance. Although this does remind me slightly of a typical revenge type story, the WAY it was written, with the rhyme schemes, and harsh language, made me view it as something more. I also think the way you brought the three topics together was important in the piece's, I dont know... maturity maybe. After the first verse I wanted to go back and read again, and again, because I knew the depth was great. The images of the tears REALLY stood out to me... the importance placed on that emotional drain, physically and mentally I thought carried the piece.
    The second verse also carried a nice flow, with 99% nicely chosen rhymes. Some of the rhymes seemed stretched to me, or unnatural given the situation presented in the story. The example that I'm urging myself to use is the ending of the piece:
    "I've relied on the peace of my love in a tribe of relief
    Since that life is deceased, I had to fight and slice through the beef"
    .
    You had something going there at the end that had me saying "damn, this is pretty fucking dope", then you ended with "slice through the beef..." and it totally threw me off. Other than that man, I can't complain about this piece.. some typos and grammar junk which sometimes gets to me, other times I let it go, I guess it depends on my mood, anyway... dope shit. I liked it alot.
    __________________________
    Got Life?
    Alright, I guess this is where I get a little dick-headed... man... I didn't like this piece at all. The reasons are scattered throughout the entry from the beginning to the end. But before I get into that I'm going to give my positives.
    Positive: Flow, the flow was great, allowed for a very easy read and kept the readibility there even through the times where I thought I would turn away.
    Positive: General story line, the attempt was good, the execution however kind of made me thing "meh, this could have been turned into something much better."
    Postivie: Imagery, so far out of all the pieces from you that I've read, your imagery has stood out. You're good at painting the story visually with words. Starting at the very beginning, you set the scene nicely. Even though I usually hate scene settings because they are always done so poorly, you started nicely, setting the scene well.
    "Perfection blistered the suns rays as summer ran free,
    Enveloping Tennessee in bliss and utter harmony,
    Moving beyond the summer’s sprees and jubilees,"
    ..
    I liked that..., but I suppose this is where the negatives begin, there wasn't enough imagery for me after that... and it dissapointed me.

    Another negative would have to be the rhyming... some of it was just not good... The entire second stanza was just, painful to read I thought.
    "At the time John didn’t know much about Cancer,
    So he dared to dream becoming an advancer,
    “If I become a doctor...I will know the answer.”
    This is why his spirit became an enhancer,"

    Becoming an "advancer" to know the "answer", to become an "enhancer," man, I just that was a really poor selection of words to describe what was a pretty decent idea.

    One last negative that I'm going to point out, because I don't want to run any longer than I have already, is the ending.... or the twist.
    STRETCHED is the best word I can use to describe it. The idea of the coach blackballing the main character is a decent idea to run with, however it just wasn't executed, at all.
    "But when push came to shove, he blackballed John,
    Telling college after college that John would act upon,
    His own selfish desires and never cared for others,
    He even said John fucked other player’s mothers."

    The last line of that section really agitated me... making the story totally ridiculous and unbelievable, which should never happen during a twist at the end. As a reader I wanted to be suprised and shocked, not dissapointed.

    __________

    VOTE: Having said all that, with nothing against Got Life?, no hard feelings man, but this was really a decision between Athiest and Dark Nebula. I STRUGGLED to come up with a vote at first, because both pieces had incredible strengths... so in turn it came down to the weaknesses of each piece. I'm afraid Athiest's piece was damn near perfect. So I had to vote Athiest in this one. A very good read though, everyone made nice efforts.

    1: Athiest
    2: Dark Nebula
    3: Got Life?

    (I apologize for any typos, I'm trying to make my indepth voting go by QUICK, as I tend to say way too much in the first place)

    *edited to place the votes in numbered order for clarity*

    Peace.[/hide]
    test
  12. SteveThaGreat

    SteveThaGreat Zeus

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2006
    Messages:
    37
    [hide]


    i think this battle was very very close in all 3 directions...i'd lke to just vote for a stalemate and call it a night but i suppose i see it like this

    1. atheist
    2. got life
    3. nebula/dic


    atheist, your piece was very well written... it kept me interested, the flow was cool, the storyline/ content in your piece is what got you my vote. starting from the midle of the second segment all the way to right before the last segment i was completely enthralled by your piece, however i found the transition from the father being angry enough to point a gun at his daughter and slam her face against the wall to just believing her story to be a little unrealistic and i thought the last segment lacked the power that i was hoping for to bring closure to ur piece... great job though.


    got life... to me, your verse was very similar to atheists verse in terms of the flow and content/storyline.. i really enjoyed most of it but i thought ur closer was the weak point of your piece even moreso than atheists. the way it ends is just depressing and it made me mad. i read ur piece and i was loving it and then i got to the end and i was like wtf... at least kill that racist ass cracker or something, but i'm sure you had ur reasons and i respect you as a skilled writer, and props for a dope verse...


    nebula... i thought doing 2 pieces was detrimental to your succes here... both pieces were very well written but i thought either one of them could've been much more impressive with more detailed story development and a little direction. perhaps it's just that i'm not on a dope enough level yet to apreciate your approach but either way what you submitted was not a failure... it was incredibly well written just a bit boring cause i couldn't really get into it...

    [/hide]
    test
  13. Adderall XR 30

    Adderall XR 30 New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    80
    [hide]

    I read over this a few times and have come to the conclusion that Atheist edged out Dark Nebula and they edged out Got Life? All three of these pieces were pretty solid. Here is how I came to my determination. Everybody told their story well, however, I thought Atheist's was a little more creative in terms of the way the plot was layed out. Dark's was a nice revenge sort of piece, and the imagery was great. Got Life's was more of a struggle piece of sorts, and overall, I thought it got the job done. But like I said, I liked the little twists and turns that Atheist had throughout his story. Gave it a little extra edge when comparing the three. In terms of rhymes, Dark obviously out-performed his two counterparts. I thought Atheist's rhymes were nice and subtle. Got Life had moments of really nice rhyme structure such as the 'procrastination' section, but also had quite a few lines that didn't really anything to excite me in that arena. In terms of flow, I thought all three of these pieces pretty much performed admirably. I didn't really have a preference for anybody's. I don't know, that is about all I can say about this battle. It was tough to decide between Dark and Atheist and tough to leave Got Life out of that decision but Atheist just had the all-around better piece to me.[/hide]
    test
  14. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    [hide]Athe -- Nice twist, I wasnt expecting it. I dont know about your flow this time around, maybe the structuring, maybe something else but it was hard to grasp the flow, instead of crisp rhymes it was like if I read the rhymes they would rhyme nice as hell, but if I read line to line the rhymes just 'read' rather than hit with rhymes or flow. Felt like I was reading a short, basically (for the most part, some parts were exceptional). Your opener was hot, but your second stanza was predictable, I knew before i even had to it was her father, i didnt see the cop thing coming but I also didnt see the ending coming. Once the killing factor was brought in I could see she was lying, my guess was going to be that she kills her father in the morning but I liked your twist a lot more. The wording was smooth, but the rhymes are my boggle with you, maybe just how I read it, but it is what it is.
    Dope shit man

    Dic -- loL@the last line, I have to say when I started reading this verse I was dissapointed as I couldn't catch the multi's until the bottom of the first-half of the verse. The flow on this was stretched, or maybe im just reading defunctly today; The piece was action packed and it had a nice momentum to it, the aspect of it I dont like is that there were only like 6 dudes that ruined a whole village. from my perspective a tribe, even of peaceful people (such as the thai) there are always warriors who have an ability to kill like savages and saying that a whole village got killed by a few guys is kinda saddening, however the power of imagination never ceases to amaze me. with a cool line to line action-based narration and a combination of dope topic approach
    a pretty nice piece; im kinda surprised u didnt use that headhunter pic
    w/e tho

    GL -- "You see his dad had a disease that put him at ease," -- perfecting example of trying to rhyme to hard. disease dont put you in ease, DEATH eases the pain of your disease. I thought u wisened up with ur first two lines, where u made an ACTUAL multi, i was impressed, anticipating your game to be upped, but no, same old shit, a little better flow displacement.

    "Because it seemed that feeling blue didn’t renew," renew what? STOP TRYING TO RHYME, u suck@it...

    "Indeed the combination of his focused concentration,
    Forced away procrastination from his vivid imagination," - Comibination of WHAT? Focused concentration AND? focused concentration seems paradoxil as well

    from middle school to junior high? I know uneducated people like rap, but where I come from junior high IS middle school, therefore you said he finished middle school and started junior high....

    reading on and not pointing out other stupid shit u fuck up like that the story sucked, he kept changing his shit, medical schools are trade school, they usually dont have Bball teams, further more u wrote 66 lines which means i dont count ur last 4 lines, and they sucked anyways as you shouldn't say ni*ger your racist prick. character development is your best quality and it sucked
    good job

    1.
    2.
    3. Got Life

    This was a tossup between Athe and Dic...Dic had the overall flow, and a constantly moving piece, Ath's piece was progressive too but focused on the idea of the event more than the actions; sort of a story based off dialogue....in the end my vote comes down to who made my mind think more, and i'm giving first place to Atheist because I prefer the thought behind the idea moreso than the action the idea creates sometimes

    very fucking close battle
    1. Atheist
    2. Dark neblua
    3. Got Life? (how do u ever progress thru the ranks?)




    [/hide]
    test
  15. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2003
    Messages:
    458
    [hide]
    Atheist:

    this was extremely well-written, polished and kept me hooked the whole way with the seamless narration and the dialogue between them both and the tension and vocab, etc.. but the ending really ruined it for me. it didn't build up to it, there was no backround on her and why committing euthenasia would be consistent with her behavior because there was none to reference, it felt like a tacked-on ending and the rationalization for the father wasn't totally convincing, overall it felt very incomplete and disappointing when the rest of the verse was so appealing.

    Dark Nebula

    I liked this verse, the hot flow/scheme kept me into it and the nice narrative and description of the action was vivid and well put together, it was clear despite tackling complex scenes interweaving with emotions and thought, I thought this was a highly polished verse and it felt satisfying and complete, no real flaws, I thought the integration of topics didn't interrupt the story but enhanced it like relevant changes in the course of development. good shit.

    Got Life?

    i thought this was both clear and concise both in narration and structure, it was very easy to read and follow the story, something that's underappreciated it made my life easy reading it, had a simple flow and good scheme, let the story get told, which was a rather good one, actually the most interesting of the three, the problem lies in the writing, which at times left to be desired. Personally in terms of story alone this would win. Problems arise such as these, I feel I need to point out specifically in order for you to know what I mean:

    At the time John didn’t know much about Cancer,
    So he dared to dream becoming an advancer,
    “If I become a doctor...I will know the answer.”
    This is why his spirit became an enhancer,
    Not just for himself, but for his mother too,
    Because it seemed that feeling blue didn’t renew,

    This is decent, but it feels very basic and lacks subtext and isn't phrased with particular aptitude. "Advancer" is in the dictionary but feels odd, and "Because it seemed that feeling blue didn't renew" is just plain ol' bad grammar.

    Indeed the combination of his focused concentration,
    Forced away procrastination from his vivid imagination,

    Combination of focused concentration and what else? It feels like some lines are from a rhyme website in order to have multis at the expense of making sense, good grammar or being contextually accurate.


    The Verdict

    While I felt Atheist was top dog in terms of actual writing, to me this was between Dark Nebula and Got Life? as Atheist's piece fell apart imo at the end, which is unfortunate given the quality of the diction.

    Got Life? actually had a great story, even if within his usual frame of reference in term of material, and I enjoyed it, despite the fact I loathe him; however, the writing and the phrasing, as illustrated earlier, really hurt this verse overall, while Dark Nebula came with a great, incredibly polished performance and a more complex scheme and well-written piece graphically detailing a nice story of revenge with some emotional depth, so I think he comes with the most complete package and therefore gets my vote.

    Vote: Dark Nebula

    [/hide]
    test
  16. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2003
    Messages:
    458
    [hide]
    1. Dark Nebula
    2. Gay Life
    3. Atheist
    [/hide]
    test
  17. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    Atheist - 1+1+1+1+1+1
    Dark Nebula - 3+2+3+2+2+2
    Got Life - 2+3+2+3+3+3
    ---------------

    Atheist with the Win 41-11
    Dark Nebula in Second Place with the Loss 5-1 (oooooooh merkd)
    Got Life With the Loss 28-14
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)