Discussion in 'Writers Block' started by lpoet, May 7, 2004.
Pick 1 out of the 5 Topics listed
1. You escape from prison. Where do you run to?
2. If you could be a teacher for one day, what would you teach and why?
3. Your parents are in the next room arguing, suddenly you hear 3 gunshots. What do you do?
4. You are a flower. Tell us what it feels like to blossom
5. It's 3:25 a.m. And you awake to somebody beation no your door. When you open it, the devil is standing there. He tells you it's time to go. What do you do?
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....3. Your parents are in the next room arguing, suddenly you hear 3 gunshots. What do you do?
They were arguing over the mortgage, then I heard the shots,
was it my mums gun in the hand of my pops?
1 then 2 and then an intermission,
as soon as I heard the third my ears were ringing,
I saw the consequence of a visit, my head was spinning,
I'd pissed myself cus of the nervous system.
I knew he had a shotgun locked in a cabinet,
but he only used it back in the day to shoot rabbits,
and if he grabbed it, I knew he wouldnt cock it,
and I knew my mum didn't have the key to unlock it.
I could smell the smoke from under the door,
It smelt like the silence after someone hit the floor.
I shouted 'dad', nothing was heard
I shouted 'Mum', and called for her...
I walked slowly to the door,
reached for the handle pulled it open and saw
the trail of a body being dragged across the floor.
I followed the prints out to the kitchen,
and nobody was there, something was missing.
The blood had clotted and dried on its lines,
the tracks went down the hall and headed outside.
My heart skipped a beat as I moved my feet,
Towards the backgarden not knowing what I would see.
As I headed outside the sun was in my eyes,
I saw the figures of three bodies camoflauged by the light,
one said 'get down punk' then I saw who it was,
they were cops, the roar of the helicopter hovered above.
Its propellors made the grass swirl and the dust drifted,
I couldn't hear their voices even after the dust lifted.
'Get the fuck down, keep ya arms where we can see'
I looked down and I was gripping an M-16.
They shot me in the chest as I fell behind the pots,
I wasn't even trying to lift it up or let it off,
I crawled like a worm into the mud of a window box,
took off my shirt and held the wound with my button up,
I was losing blood and my head from the neck up,
I could think of nothing but a setup and those three gunshots.
One after one, they went off in my head,
All of the events and words that had been said,
I tried to get up, but the more I did,
It looked like I was trying to fight so I looked less innocent.
More bullets cracked the pots and hit the grass,
I didn't know how much longer I could last.
The tears convulsed in my drowning eyes,
my body shook like it was Fit to die.
Just as I heard 'Ceasefire! Ceasefire! Hes not the one!'
I drifted away slipping my last word out which was 'mum'
Here... I'll get it together
Topic: You escape from prison. Where do you run to?
I hate this cell, my rage, it dwells
I've decided that its time to escape from jail, on the outside is where I may prevail
from these crazy tales
Distant from these rapists, and drug addicts, racists and dumb faggots
I figure on the outside is where the changes will come fastest
outside from this place of disgust, that is
these cells reek from the presence of Satan
to these ignorant human beings, the idea of a heaven is blatant
So much demoralization of humanity, man, these rooms are filfthy
I cannot believe these men want to shoot, and kill me
I've never seen so many men cry, the truth is simply...
that there is no such thing as "innocent until proven guilty"
Its time to create a scheme, to EXIT this death wish, I need to get past the cameras, and lazer beams
and not manage to make a scene
I need to find a way to make these gates release, these rage of de-mons is the reason I may decease
I'm confined to CRAP, getting carried out of my cell with my hands behind my back
these officers blind the facts, but what I've come to find is that
while I try to conceal the pieces to my fate,
I could simply rob the gaurds gun, and keys, it'd be easy to escape
these people want to hurt me, this place is sinister
I'm LEAVING, as I attempt to escape I hear "ALERT, WE HAVE AN ESCAPING PRISONER!!!!"
I heard my conscious screamin', "be calm, your leavin'!
you can make it out, you don't belong to demons!"
I ponder upon reasons to leave, but my brain is cloutted and arranged with doubt
I'm everywhere, I'm basically famous now!
crime analysts thought I'd run home, so I had no choice but to change my route
lonely and cold is how most of my days were spent
I couldnt take it, SHIT, I needed a place to vent
so I headed out on the run, again
dashing through bums of men who come in tens
then, all of a sudden I thought about my grandmothers end.. and a couple friends..
death is fucked up, and they didn't deserve it
though my life is a horrendous mess, I wish it was perfect
I'm tired of being pinned to stress, I take a piece of glass, slice, my blood drips to the surface
I thought of my mom, and how I was ripped through her cervix
why's my dad so fucked up? I'd rather not mention his purpose
I await death, its difficult to take breath's, my patience is waved far
I hold the gaurd's gun, as I open the gates to the grave yard
Grandma I'm coming, I'll finally get to see you again. I love you grandma, I miss you dearly, and so does everyone else. Please forgive me if you've ever felt direspected by me. I never intended to cause you pain. I love you
I stand and pray, as I cry, and stand before my grandmas grave
everything on this planet plagues my damaged brain
I take my hand, and raise
the gun to my head...
and lie cold above the one I cherished, and become one of the dead...
Been pretty occupied, but I think this is decent. Hope ya'll like it. Vote fairly now [fro]
Damn yo, why we gotta pick just 1?! lol, ok, ok, lemme see. I read both of these twice now, and I am still not sure which one I like the most. Brit hit me kinda hard with the story of mistaken identity, because it surely happens enough. Quotive hit me kinda hard too with the whole Grandma piece, cause I am impartial to my Grandma(God bless her soul). They was both on point too, but I'm gonna go with Brit Boi on this one...He came at the whole concept of the thing different than what I've read in the tourney so far. He didn't exactly tell the story of his parents fighting or shooting one another, but rather the police and bloodstains on the floor...Good shit both of you...
Vote; Brit Boi Gee
Brit...The imagery is his piece was so powerful man. You could feel and hear the gunshots. And I like the little twist he put into it. Flow was sick and nothing was forced at all...
Quotive...your piece kinda started off slow. But it really picked up at the end. Really was feelin the part about the grandma and everything. But I dont think the piece held enough compared to brits. It wasnt as edging(sp).
Damn, I was expecting more out of Quotive, although it was a nice showing. Honestly, I think Brit Boi took this one, the ending is what sealed the deal. Took a few in-depth reads of each, but I think Brit HONESTLY took this one...good shit ya'll, duece trey like MJ
OK..both of these pieces had tremendous emotion!! Brit, I was surprised how morbid this piece was.But like Mind said...this situation is NOT as rare as some may think. Your detail and description was really good. Quotive...one thing I wasn't feeling was that the good part of the poem was when and how he escaped..which was kinda off....forgive me for the particulars but maybe being in the RSTL has me like that! Other than that you did pretty good! My vote either way goes with the piece I felt the most:Brit Boi
Well.. PSHHHHHH... lol Brit man, your ending was the SHYT.
Do we have to vote on our own battles? Cuz if so, ehh. I don't know.
I think ya'll didnt thorougly read my lyrics, you just skimmed through it. Thats the impression I'm getting. I guess you have to be into shyt like rhymes, and multies, but ya'll knockin' the content. But anyways, great piece Brit.
Stay up ya'll..
I really didn't like how either of you started off your pieces. Brit reveled a lot of the story to early, and Quot nothing struck me as really to interesting in your first few stanza's. ANyways I was able to get into Brit's a little quickier due to the quick begining, Qout's piece just was going on and on with imagery and stuff in the begining, not much to get into. Brit had the better story, way more interesting and easier to understand, no real gray areas. Sick ending by the way Brit. Bith were nice pieces, but BRIT took it
5-0 brit so far
Well Brit Boi you lured me in from the beginning right thru to the end, and well, Quotive i liked wha you came up wit, both did a real good job, but i gots to go wit brit...
Much Lv to both ya'll...
okay i dont get how brit had a m16 in his hand but could manage to open doors n shit but not notice he had one. quotive were you really in jail? or was jail your life? neways brits poem locked me in more so im going with brit..1~
how do you know I had the gun indoors? lol Anyway, thanks for the comments.
just wrote it, im not a convict lol
A) This is not the RSTL, its a poetry tourney... so why're ya'll writing subpar raps? haha.
Brit, its obvious you don't normally write shit like this, or, it seems to be so, because it had a very simplistic rhyme scheme... to the point where it started bugging me.
Saying your nervous system caused you to pee is like saying turning the key unlocked the lock... you know what I'm saying? You could've had some wayyyy better simile or something in there... other than just saying I peed, and this is why the body pees... I don't get smelt like the silence after someone hits the floor, not a good simile at all... blood doesn't clot on its own, that's the body protecting itself, so it'd just be dried... its stuff like that that really bring your piece down... your free vese is normally so much better than this... I don't know why you chose this format.
Quotive: Decease is used improperly... that's one thing that popped right off the page at me. But, I think this should really be judged firstly on the quality of writing, then secondly on the content... Quotive had a much better crafted verse (neither of these I would call poems really)... the multi's made it flow nicely, a couple places it was a little forced, but nothing horrible... what I didn't like was you cut yourself, but then shot youself... a better ending would be the slow drifting off to a dreamlike sleep and seeing grandma... maybe shaking her head, then taking your hand as you're a little boy again and walking into the light with you... something like that... But, as I said, it was crafted better, explained more... was just better written... and its a shame really that no-one else saw that.
"But, as I said, it was crafted better, explained more... was just better written... and its a shame really that no-one else saw that."
Man, on the real.. Brits piece was dope.. but I can't lie.. people overlooked how good my piece was, the content was okay, but the way I wrote it is what made it good.
But then again, its just how we see it. I'm glad you picked that up. I never wanted to say anything.. but yeah.. Thanks for my FIRST vote. lol
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