Am I Back? *Nothingness*

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Dana Boy, Dec 26, 2010.

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  1. Dana Boy

    Dana Boy New Member

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    We'll see... Here's a small piece I wrote yesterday. I was in a zone. i know it's not very long but it's the first time I've written in a long time.

    Wandering thru this path of eternal nothingness
    Stuck in an abyss of loneliness
    Searching for that feeling that brings me to life
    Makes me smile forever in the glow of your soul
    My yearning burns hotter than a star
    I'm scorched by the beauty in your eyes yet
    I seem invisible, like I'm in disguise
    I yearn for the heart wrenching tears and the joy
    That a true love would bring
    I stand here alone by myself
    I don't seem to mean anything
    test
  2. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    I feeling you on this.
    test
  3. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

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    It's like an array of colors. You did not keep a set mood. Although, you do portray sadness you do it from different angles that makes the poem flow with vibrance. You should probably look at tweeking it up on certain parts. Similar to a coloring book. You've drawn different pictures that really do this poem justice but perhaps you should color inside the lines.

    For example you begin with darkness (nothingness, abyss, loneliness). Then you change to a "glow" then you get even more bright colored as you proceed to refer to your love "burning hotter than a star" then you say "scorched"...then you goto a transluent image when you write "invisible"

    I get your message but I think I got it too easily. The point is you TOLD me, you didn't SHOW me. Put some colors into this, grab ahold of my senses and take me on a journey before you spill your guts.


    I hope this was helpful.
    test
  4. Rasnegas

    Rasnegas New Member

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    I get it.
    test
  5. hearstothemute

    hearstothemute New Member

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    they felt like very dead words. where as i know the direction you're going and know the feelings that this should be invoking. but it just doesn't ever seem to do that. the lines are entirely too brief for the amount that's being said in each individual one. structurally a lot of writers utilize short lines, but it takes a lot to have a line concise enough to truly allow the proper feelings to be portrayed. keep working; keep writing.
    test
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