All Or Nothin

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by Spoken~Silence, Jan 5, 2012.

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  1. Spoken~Silence

    Spoken~Silence New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2003
    Messages:
    116
    heres a lil story about a kid u know
    no friends he knows no place to go
    only thing missing is everythings different
    whenever he talks nobody listens
    he cant be social no ones around him
    does 1 thing and everyone surrounds him
    the world dont care about me at all
    out against me till the day I fall
    cant be serious but I always try to
    been loyal my life but always lied to
    born in 80 same year I died
    gave life my best I always tried
    dudes wanna diss him girls just kissin
    family support missing only distance
    livin alone and I cant complain
    nothings changed but it aint the same
    if I continue its gonna get worse
    slavin for paychecks it always hurts
    I gotta do me its prolly best
    If I dont make it I'll prolly rest
    u say u care and wanna help out
    when I need the help your neva around
    test
  2. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    very heartfelt piece... nice for an open mic...

    i would say the vocab is kind of simplistic... but fuck it, its an open mic and your speaking from your chest

    as far as rhyming goes id try to add some inner bar rhyming, and up the vocab a bit...

    good work

    keep elevatin
    test
  3. Chase Murda

    Chase Murda hostile enviroment

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2004
    Messages:
    4,809
    dam i wish this shit was a lil bit longer ..fuck it..still hot tho keep bangin em
    test
  4. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    "only thing missing is everythings different"
    should be "everything's" sorry, i nitpick on grammar =\, actually apostrophes are excluded everywhere except for "I'll" at the end, so i'm guessing you just didn't bother..
    ANYWAYS
    you change perspective a lot throughout, and i'm not so sure it added anything worthwhile.. nothing really stood out to me. it had emotion, but emotion alone can't carry a piece.. try working on your rhymes and writing mechanics
    test
  5. dsp2k5

    dsp2k5 Dime Sack Pimp

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2005
    Messages:
    4,201
    Nice drop here homie ... Did this one right ... Ima check ya other stuff in a bit ...
    test
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