"A tear drops"

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by OmniscientOmen, Nov 19, 2004.

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  1. OmniscientOmen

    OmniscientOmen Omen

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2003
    Messages:
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    I wrote this about a year ago...thought it might be a good way to return.


    A tear drop falls in the distance...
    its all but an echo to me now...
    over time as love was received and in turn lost
    I learned to love my love for you...but it seemed as if
    I never learned to love you properly...
    and I know now that you are gone...because I failed
    to love you like you deserved to be loved...
    a tear drop falls in the distance...
    but, sadly I can not call claim to the pain it represents,
    I distanced myself from my love a long time ago...
    not that I lost my love...for that will always exist...
    But I tried to forget it, for with love comes pain, and tears...
    I drove myself insane with fears of living without you...
    I could not stand the pain...there is not hatred like one that
    stems from love...I hated my love for you for the pain that
    it caused...and now I can not even cry to purge myself of the pain
    a tear drop falls in the distance...
    a smile finds its way to my face...because I remember just how
    it felt to hug you...
    to kiss you...to love you
    to hold you...I remember how it felt to share my failures and
    victories with you...I didnt realize I missed you as much as I do...
    but, I can no longer run away from my love...the pain of your
    loss has caught up with me...and it hurts...
    damn it hurts so bad...Once I loved myself because I had you...
    but, as stated before hatred that stems from love is an all consuming, and passionate hatred...that is the hatred that I have
    for myself for fuckin' this up...
    a tear drop falls in the distance...
    I dont even bother asking for forgiveness...I was wrong, and I do
    not deserve to be...If only I would have listened to you...you told
    me you would leave...and you stayed good to your word, you were my everything, now I have nothing...I must live day in and day out with this hatred and pain consuming my soul...its eating me whole...my eyes are now void of light....now they are cold, and uncaring...a tear drops...
    a tear drops and falls in the distance
    and I suddenly realized that your loss has left me so disallusioned
    that I have fully denied myself and my feelings...so I do what I believed I was incapable of doing...
    I cry...
    and the tear drops at a distance...
    for I am outside of myself...
    I can no longer catch these tears before they shatter on the pavement...
    and the tear drops at a distance....
    and I cry harder because
    nor will you...
    test
  2. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2004
    Messages:
    11,770
    you registered in 03 and got eight posts???
    damn homie

    anyways, the piece was great, and this time why don't you stick around...

    "I can no longer catch these tears before they shatter on the pavement...
    and the tear drops at a distance....
    and I cry harder because
    nor will you..."

    confused me, but i kinda liked it, the ending was strong and that's great

    God Bless
    test
  3. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 1999
    Messages:
    2,986
    Woooooord up!

    welcome to the boards....stick around this time

    this sounded like some old stuff...not bad though...I'm curious to hear your newer poems...how has life been to ya since then ya know???

    anyway....first time reading ya so I'll give ya a score card:

    Score Card

    Imagery – 9/10...you took that Tear Drop thing and flipped it in various ways that were interesting to me....with the eccho...and being outside of yourself....and "shattering on the pavement"....really good word play....props

    Metaphors – 7/10...Metaphor sorta hard to grab on to because this is a deep emotional piece that is personal to you....but what i did get I liked....simple but worked....kinda like getting it all out...I've written poems like these...its a way to vent...otherwise you go insane for real....some people drink....some people smoke....some peope write poetry to deal with their love struggles...I guess thats just how it works....lol...sorry for going off in tangents but I can relate with this poem on so many levels

    Personification – 3/10...not much here....other then the tear drop didnt use anything else really....with such an emotional piece as this would of liked to see some more creativity in it ya know...started to sound to repetitive and it wasnt even that long....really was crying for some switch ups...maybe a lil bit more abstract would of helped this area

    Rhyme – 5/10...Rhymes didnt really grab me either....flow was predictable and the repeating words killed it for me....but decent...I give it an average score somewhere in the middle

    Originality – 7/10....pretty original poem...topic has been played out but you added your own touch to this....title could use some work....overall decent poem

    props


    PEACE and GODBLESS

    PS: Don’t forget to peep others no shortcut in the poetry realm…and try to leave some real feedback…take that time to help others it can only make your work that much better
    test
  4. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
    Messages:
    17,331
    Couldnt really pull nothing out from this. I could tell this was something you wrote while venting. You repeated yourself too much in this piece. Think it would have been much better if the structure was worked out.

    One luv.
    test
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