"A Superhero's Love" I'm new so post back please!

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Dirty Dizzle, Jun 11, 2005.

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  1. Dirty Dizzle

    Dirty Dizzle New Member

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    This is my first post on here and i'm doing it just for the hell of it. I've been a member for a while and i love reading the poetry you guys have seeing that there are a lot of really great poets here! Seriously you guys, tell me exactly what you think is wrong with this cuz i want to do what i can to correct myself for future poetry for myself. Hope you guys like it! It's called "A Superhero's Love". Btw, this is a tale about me and my ex g/f...yeah a sad one! I was thinking of Superman when i was writing, that's why it's written like this! Actually, more of a freestyle...ok i need to shut up so u can read it!


    "A Superhero's Love"


    We were once and unbeatable team
    Ready to set it straight against anyone
    Breaking down all that came against us
    Shutting out the opponent
    They all knew we were the greatest
    Knowing of our awesome love for each other
    Until that one day
    Our worse emeny showed up...

    We fought for months saving "our" world
    It seemed like the days lasted forever
    With every brutal blow straight to the heart
    I thought i was out for sure
    But in the end...
    Only one of us became the victor
    We won the fight
    But you lost the struggle
    As i begin to feel the pain from the fight

    It wasn't at first i noticed this
    But the signs were sure there
    Always questioning me
    Asking if we were the right "team"
    The list went on and on
    I didn't know of it until you literally tripped out
    Using your loving powers you had before
    Into hate and frustration...on me
    That's when i knew we weren't one

    You left in hopes of healing your wounds
    Telling me everything will be fine
    And that you will see me again
    I didn't want you to leave
    But i know it was for the best
    Knowing that we will fight justice again

    Everything was fine
    You were starting to make progress
    Things were looking up for us
    Until you supposeively heard things
    Things that were a complete lie
    Which made all that work you had
    Simply go away
    The thought of it bringing out that evil
    Firing off wanting to kill me
    And later finding another evil to "partner" with
    I guess the pain from the fight before
    Was an everlasting one

    That pain was far worse then you can ever imagine
    I tried to get you to the side of good
    Failing in every attempt i did
    But never giving up continuing my everyday struggle
    Then you delivering the final blow
    Telling me to listen to "Lonely"
    Saying that when i hear it
    Know that i will never have you back
    Damn...way to take away my powers for good

    You've been causing a rant with "evil" ever since
    Trying to do what i can to stop you
    But to no avail
    So the distruction lives on
    I sit and think of ways to get you back
    As the months have come and gone
    With your terror living on
    Thinking of the times that we have had
    Living life as that unstoppable team
    And breaking down everytime to the thought of you

    Heroes don't cry
    What the hell is going on
    Oh that's right...
    My powers are gone
    I hope in the time to come
    I can find a way to get you back
    Saving the "world" not as a hero to everyone else
    But to my one and only partner
    My sidekick, my best friend
    And the one i love, all wrapped up in one


    Again, let me know what you think and thanx for reading this. Hope to hear from you guys soon!
    test
  2. reload

    reload New Member

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    Aug 19, 2001
    Messages:
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    Thanks for posting your work. I thought it is was a good poem...I would have liked it to have a more definite rhyme scheme..but this is a solid piece.
    test
  3. InTheStars

    InTheStars Reflective

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2004
    Messages:
    510
    I think that you told the story very well, however I would love to SEE the story ..I agree about the rhyme scheme..But for your first post..good ..And if your true desire is to follow something or someone that has chosen a different path..I hope you may see chasin' after someone isn't gonna get them back..Anyways good post..
    Stay up
    Much luv
    Starz
    test
  4. Bhitiah

    Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures

    Joined:
    May 3, 2004
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    yeah this was cool....lol ..damn, never seen it put down like that really before...ah , well...i hope to see more from ya
    test
  5. Dirty Dizzle

    Dirty Dizzle New Member

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    I know that i should have done a rhyme scheme, but i thought i would try and do it like a story. Thanks for your feedback and i hope to hear more from other people!
    test
  6. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2003
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    you can give so much to someone only that they feel you never gave enough...
    sometimes you give so much that it becomes so one sided...
    thats the danger with love when it all can start out so well
    so many times it seems its got to end...
    test
  7. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    17,838
    I enjoyed this...I don't know if people mean rhyming words when they say rhyme scheme.....

    I don't know all the "proper poetic" terminology... I will say this though. I think you might want to read and experiment with your structure and flow...your piece was definitely cool but...let me feel your pain, let me taste it.

    The emotion was cool, trust me..I just would love to see more of that emotion..paint pictures with your words.

    Good drop, peace and blessings
    test
  8. L'n'B

    L'n'B Property of H.Stacks

    Joined:
    May 28, 2004
    Messages:
    129
    very good, i started reading others shit 1st as well but i didnt post for a long time. i agree with what other people have said that the emotion seemed to be lack. overall a good building block but far from a fully built house. please return the favour. my link to my poem is in my sig.
    test
  9. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    26,748
    This was pretty good. I like the way you took it..flipped it..into something other than just a sad love poem...with the super hero thing and all..gave us a touch of your originality. I hope to see more from you soon!
    test
  10. Dirty Dizzle

    Dirty Dizzle New Member

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    Aug 1, 2004
    Messages:
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    Thanks to everyone that replied to my first post on here. I've overviewed everything that people have said and i think i know what i should do now to make myself a better poet. Don't know when i will make my next post, but i hope that it will be soon cuz i'm going to be busy with vacation. Maybe i should write while i'm laying in the sun in Cabo! Thanks again you guys, one love!
    test
  11. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2004
    Messages:
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    You gotta go through it to write about it later on, that's for sure. There were no questionings going on throughout this poem, and that was sort of a relief. Man, girls can do some mean things. Reading about it I was kinda like dang. Too bad I'm a part of the breed, somewhat :tongue: Anyway-this is not so bad. It's good that you have some confidence in yourself to want the criticism (makes sense) but all I have to say is do not edit this-write about it again some time, and try a different approach, or maybe perhaps a different point of view. I don't write in any specific formats, and that's every time I write so I'm not gonna go there. Keep writing-

    -Much Love
    test
  12. Dirty Dizzle

    Dirty Dizzle New Member

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    Thank you everyone that reply back to me! I'm pretty sure that i know what to work on to become a better writer and i hope to post back soon to let u guys/girls (didn't forget u ladies) know that i have. See ya soon, one love!
    test
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