A Mirage -

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Lyme, Mar 1, 2004.

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  1. Lyme

    Lyme Guest

    A Mirage -

    We came to exist from a common wish
    Your cardiac became my desired dish
    Patience remained a virture
    So your brain just had to do
    Until my presence came
    During the rain and a hurricane
    That night our match struck this flame
    We stayed thirsty all night
    A hundred hours of busy city paradise
    Back to the border engorged with
    A lead poisoned mortared disorder
    Friday the thirteenth
    We had another chance to count sheep
    Thoughts far from thoughts of fornication
    Insationable sensations as the couch creeked
    We made love now the war is the distance
    Lend your assistance in matching my consistence
    I could easily detach you from my mind
    Fall down stumble over my words and get back up in the same stride
    Regurgitiate a pun and present you with my pride
    I dont care but yet its all I can do
    A walking contradiction a spitten image of you
    test
  2. Nebulaz

    Nebulaz fear God, not man

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    950
    this was like those new AT&T commericals...i felt like you just stopped with the story only half told. maybe revisit this and see if you can put a conclusion to it atleast. it drew me in and was very tolerable but then left me hangin.
    test
  3. Lyme

    Lyme Guest

    Ok - I added the ending..
    test
  4. *DowntownStar*

    *DowntownStar* ____________________

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,866
    A Mirage -
    We came to exist from a common wish
    Your cardiac became my desired dish

    that's a beautiful way of putting it. he must be proud of you :)

    Patience remained a virture
    So your brain just had to do
    Until my presence came
    During the rain and a hurricane
    That night our match struck this flame
    We stayed thirsty all night
    A hundred hours of busy city paradise

    don't want to interrupt the flow but this is many months of desire condensed into only 7 lines, for those who know the story.

    Back to the border engorged with
    A lead poisoned mortared disorder
    Friday the thirteenth
    We had another chance to count sheep
    Thoughts far from thoughts of fornication
    Insationable sensations as the couch creeked
    We made love now the war is the distance
    Lend your assistance in matching my consistence

    that whole section was dense with inferences. i won't get into them too deeply because this is personal, but i see the surface meanings if not all of the deeper ones. the trip, valentine's eve, togetherness, union, pledge of commitment and i'll leave it at that.

    I could easily detach you from my mind
    Fall down stumble over my words and get back up in the same stride
    Regurgitiate a pun and present you with my pride
    I dont care but yet its all I can do
    A walking contradiction a spitten image of you

    love has a way of doing that to a person. it's pulling two magnets apart, then putting the same poles together. doesn't work until you let the proper way happen on its own.
    test
  5. *DowntownStar*

    *DowntownStar* ____________________

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    i forgot to add that this is a very moving poem. i'm very glad things turned out the way they have, and i'm glad to see you got your bars back! you'd be a kickass mc or slam poet if you wanted that.
    test
  6. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    Messages:
    17,331
    First off it's nice to see your name in the realm. I dont know when was the last time i've seen you in here.

    As far as the piece go it was really hearfelt in away. I can tell it's a personal piece by the way you wrote it. You really gotta dig into the lines to find the feeling and meaning to the piece.

    "I could easily detach you from my mind
    Fall down stumble over my words and get back up in the same stride
    Regurgitiate a pun and present you with my pride
    I dont care but yet its all I can do
    A walking contradiction a spitten image of you"

    I think the ending was really strong. Espeically that last line.

    one luv
    test
  7. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    a walking contridiction a spitting image of you...

    good shit right there....

    i dont know why u took the ending off..really seems to complete the piece to me...

    didnt like where u ended it at first

    very emotional piece....i like how u told a story with it....

    UPin..
    test
  8. Novaman: RaWKiLLa

    Novaman: RaWKiLLa New Member

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    We came to exist from a common wish
    Your cardiac became my desired dish

    the first 2 lines were so dope to me. A lot of times I know I have trouble with starting off my poems, but this was a great beginning. Keep it up!!
    test
  9. Zeta

    Zeta New Member

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    Feb 1, 2004
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    I really liked that, not a dayum thing wrong with this poem in my book... perfect!!
    Peace
    test
  10. Santa Calhoun

    Santa Calhoun HoHoHosCheckMyKingassFro

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    no homo
    about the poem you shouldnt have been scurred of the ending, negative feelings are the best. and yes i got it. many months eh
    test
  11. Lyme

    Lyme Guest

    Wow.. I'm actually blown away by these comments.. I'm truly glad yall enjoyed this, cuz afterall I haven't even written in over a year.. And this piece means a helluva lot to me, and you're right Dios - it's very personal.. so much to the point it'd be difficult for others to pick up on... lol

    But Thank You All very much for taking the time to read this, and drop your replies.. Bless U

    Peace!
    test
  12. AgentLead

    AgentLead ITS ABOUT TIME IN STORES

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    7,482
    Wow...that was beautifull lymey lyme...

    I understand it...you writw really well...I'm stealing some for my own lyrics!
    test
  13. iLL Script.

    iLL Script. ~Poetic~

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    A walking contradiction a spitten image of you


    i liked this, very nice. dat line just stood out 2 me 4 some reason don't know y, nice job
    stay up
    test
  14. *DowntownStar*

    *DowntownStar* ____________________

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    ...who are you, again?
    test
  15. Lyme

    Lyme Guest


    [funny] - yeah sure.. remember duck duck goose..

    <3
    test
  16. 1MT TA

    1MT TA New Member

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    it takes a poet 2 know one and i was impressed,maybe u can help agent lead write somthing cause i think he 4got how to write.lol. Your words were deep and felt good job. 1Mt
    test
  17. Lyme

    Lyme Guest


    yay! mister 1mt came in to grace my poem =))

    I thank you kindly.. You should drop somethin
    test
  18. AgentLead

    AgentLead ITS ABOUT TIME IN STORES

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    omg 1mt makes a post ....im impressed
    test
  19. illpoetical

    illpoetical raising the bar everyday

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    that was tight lyme i like the way it flowed
    test
  20. 1MT TA

    1MT TA New Member

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    here is 2 posts agent lead.i am calling u out.lol
    test
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