a heart that beats itself

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by scenario, May 15, 2011.

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  1. scenario

    scenario you need people like me

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 1999
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    so ive recently went through a crazy situation with a woman and were no longer together. i'll spare you the story, but this is what i came up with. i'm no poetry writer but i wanted to get these feelings off my chest. dont judge too harshly lol

    a disconnection between heart and mind
    a painful realization that it only starts with time
    a rock and a hard place doesnt sound so bad
    when youre in a place much more complicated than that
    the smiles that i wear are only half the shape
    heavy hearted, i'd kill to get rid of half the weight
    the only formula to happiness is you have to wait
    in the meantime your heart turns into glass and breaks
    self inflicted wounds are the tunes of my lifes song
    repetition is my descension into the abyss where i belong
    i dont know that i'll survive if history repeats itself
    but what do you expect with a heart that beats itself


    i try to keep my head up, try to look to the sky
    but its hard to focus on the clouds when the suns in your eyes
    i just wish it'd all get better, with or without you
    but i know unfortunately that it isnt about to
    whys it gotta be so hard, whyve i gotta feel so scarred
    how come reality and perception are so far apart
    i just wanna be happy, too bad it lies with you
    too bad i couldnt accomplish what i was trying to do
    now you carry around the joy that was supposed to be mine
    for that i wanna breakdown, and you....youre just fine
    i dont know that i'll survive if history repeats itself
    but what do you expect with a heart that beats itself
    test
  2. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

    Joined:
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    37,722
    I really like the title. That is what made me check this out, and I was let down. It wasn't bad. I've seen much worse here. I could relate to the feelings being expressed. However, the word choices made the piece banal/sing-songy/cliche.

    Peace and Blessings
    test
  3. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    good feminine rhyme in parts of this, could be good lyrics to a track....but one part where you are lacking is that your writing is too shallow....you have got to dig deeper and bring your reader into your true feelings....make me sympathize with you
    test
  4. flatsound

    flatsound Member

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    Apr 27, 2011
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    this wasn't half bad, i can dig it. A+ for that title though.
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    i try to keep my head up, try to look to the sky
    but its hard to focus on the clouds when the suns in your eyes


    I really like that line ^

    I also liked the theme and how you ended with it on a stong note...meaning that it hung around even after the read.

    A nice lyrical piece here, flow was simple but deserving.

    Keep it up.
    test
  6. balybeta

    balybeta New Member

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    Jun 30, 2011
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    it's tight man, i realy lov it
    test
  7. bombtharhymes

    bombtharhymes New Member

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    Jul 8, 2011
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    It was alright..could of been more in depth but you did well
    test
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