a foxes hole

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by patrown, Sep 19, 2012.

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  1. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    with two dry eyes, still i manage to cry
    popping hourly squeeze balls in fists to the sky
    if i can't die now or exist peacefully
    why must i seek peace needlessly

    dodgin ieds enlodged like violent seeds
    what wrong and right can mean
    the loss of life that's seen as an arabic numeral
    while a mother weeps through a terrible funeral

    give mother earth a kiss.. she won't take it in this lifetime
    a distant cliff inviting a naked fall out a time line
    if my binds won't let me walk the planet at will
    i'll see how fast the man'll kill a monster he built
    test
  2. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA GymArt

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    The imagery is amazing, and the fluidity of verses comes across effortlessly written.
    test
  3. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    experimenting with the shorter pieces again? =p
    enlodged isn't a word, fyi.

    i thought your two dry eyes opener was dope. definitely the strongest line in the piece imo. the rest of it read nice, but there wasn't anything that felt memorable to it... it was missing the "wow" factor that i typically expect shorter verses to have.. granted, some short verses produce the "wow" factor from their simplicity, but this wasn't one of those..

    you know i critique cause i care. =]
    test
  4. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Man have you improved since when you first started here. This was short and sweet. Like i've said before, i'm not a fan of words like man'll because it doesn't make sense to me. Just say man will....still a solid piece of writing with a nice flow...good work Pat
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    test
  6. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    What's the rumor pat ?

    I felt your opener was a great set up: good mood, pace and direction etc...

    the second section went off with "ieds" because I could not relate that to the opener and it felt misplaced.

    I liked your last line.
    test
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