9. GotLife 28-14 VS 10. Vigil 22-15

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Pent uP, Aug 28, 2006.

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  1. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    [​IMG]


    RSTL RULES AND REGULATIONS

    RULES AND REGULATIONS - THERE'S SOME NEW SHIT SO CLICK AND READ


    The Standard League Rules will still be Enforced

    Due Dates

    VERSES DUE: Friday 12:00am PST/3:00am EST
    Verses posted after the deadline will not count!

    VOTES DUE Sunday: 12:00am PACIFIC/3:00 Midnight EST
    Votes posted after the deadline will not count!

    • Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.
    • Verses must incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.
    • Anyone who does not post at least 4 rap lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.
    • During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.
    • Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a “show” but will not result in a match. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent posts between 16-64, you will lose the match but you will remain in the league. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent does not show, you will “Win by no-show”.

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    Topics: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1006008
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  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    so Jowelz is back eh?
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  3. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    not like he knows who you are, so u get vigil
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  4. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

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  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    A Drink & A Drive

    "One must desire something to be alive."
    - Margaret Deland

    Her opal eyes would mesmerize and make you realize,
    That the heavenly skies are lost amongst her thighs,
    Kissing morals goodbyes, trapped within her disguise,
    I sensationalize, "She's worth more than a nobel prize,"
    But in my line of business it made problems arise.

    You see...

    Julie glowed like a star in the sky that's gone awry,
    Indeed she shot right past me in the midst of July,
    Anxiously waiting, hoping to somehow escape her DWI,
    It was in that blink of an eye that my throat grew dry,
    Seeing this alabaster beauty spread naked before me,
    Now I know what you're thinkin, but I wasn't just horny...

    As quenching my desire for her made me feel so alive,
    Not just my sex drive, but what she did was revive,
    My carnal presence exploiting me with incandescence,
    No longer doomed to fade and vanish via evanescence,
    Yet the whole course of the intercourse was forced,
    So for this firey pheonix I left my morals divorced,

    I kissed at her lips, yet it was never returned,
    Indeed she was dry, but my hungry temptation yearned,
    To taste the sweet nectar of this innocent beauty,
    Indeed it seemed tasting her became my civic duty,
    Yet as I tasted her she still lay there refusing me,
    So I lapped at her flower although unconducively,
    No matter though my saliva would still get her wet,
    Another conquest that tempted me with her silhouette,
    That's why alone that night I would pump and sweat,
    In search of a release, followed by a cigarette,
    At the end of the day, she just lay there still,
    A butterfly beauty whose expression was shrill.

    It was perfect...

    She joined the list of many girls on a date with fate,
    I carved out her organs, I have no need to procreate,
    I kept her heart, when pumping it I felt her passion,
    Her lust for vanity, glamour, cocaine, and fashion,
    And when I carved out her mind and savored the flavor,
    I could taste her nubile desires and as a party favor,
    I sucked the eggs from her tubes to eat as caviar,
    Alone in the night, just Julie, me, and my guitar,
    Perfection for me, which to you might seem so bizarre.

    Sitting, basking in the calm before the coming storm,
    I removed the vacuum that I had used to transform,
    Her once youthful frame into a shell of skin and bone,
    Letting it drip, as I washed her body of cheap cologne,
    Proceeding to delicately piece her torn flesh whole,
    To avoid the family freaking like they did with Nicole,
    Nicole's story is for another time and another place,
    As I worked tediously to erase the look upon her face.

    That morning...

    Like clockwork the police arrived at about 10:45,
    I told them she was the victim of a drink & a drive,
    The rest was procedure, I certified the time of death,
    Indeed it wasn't even 9 when she took her last breath,
    I, the lonely mortician, got to pay the last respects,
    One must truly desire something to enjoy the sex.​
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  7. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

    Joined:
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    Cracks

    cracks in the system, cracks in the wall
    cracks in the streets, through these cracks i'm gonna fall


    its digital warfare with gci graphics in the background
    csi tactics asks for cops to round up, attack and crackdown
    the decisive ones cut and run like blood in a split second
    while others fall in the crack of time and get hit in their split section
    you either bite the bullet or get on the grind and bite the dust
    there's the side that has the right to bust with guns and stuff
    and the other who has no choice but to run or end up locked in cuffs
    in this game everybody is born to die & wind up with their organs fried
    but one side can afford to lie cause their an armed force that's organized
    while the poor can only mobilize and hope there's a place to hide in
    and with all the cracks in the system you can bet the space is widening
    cops in power cut to the chase, they can put a club to your face
    but their involved in the drug race & these days all they got is love and embrace
    these warlords ignore and roll their eyes cause their goal is to control the slaves
    while the bold & brave roll in their grave tryna understand what role they played
    they die on command at the hands of those who get a promotion or a raise
    corruption is devoted and sugar-coated, any other notion is delayed
    only growth can change but the average joe looks away in dismay

    cracks in the system, cracks in the wall
    cracks in the streets, through these cracks i'm gonna fall


    a born crusader, resistant to change, his relationships are long distance
    he was born in the cracks, he never fell and to him god is nonexistent
    an atheist that fishes in the offshore so his catch is always off the hook
    he's in a audience that consists of onlookers who won't stop a crook
    his hope's been whitewashed by white lies and light scotch
    he's a snowman who fears frost bites but is willing to pay life's cost
    can't fight off the demons in him that's feeding the verge to bleed in his nerves
    even worst, he plays dead so well it seems like his whole life's been rehearsed
    he doesn't bother seeking help or ring a bell, he speaks in tongues
    the type to cover the ground but not the hole the water's leaking from
    he's a true non-believer and an under achiever thats quickly getting numb
    his silence is patience but he's waiting for moments that'll never come
    he's a seed decomposed with broken leeves beneath his clothes
    he see's his freedom as a joke, a crack in his wind pipe releases smoke
    a crack in his lungs forces him to sneeze and choke, he needs a stroke
    cuz his beacon of hope is either the weed or the coke & he can't steer the boat
    only a crack in his neck can slow the speed of the rope tied to his feet & his throat

    cracks in the system, cracks in the wall
    cracks in the streets, through these cracks i'm gonna fall


    Injustice is IN justice
    don't get double crossed by the double talk
    everybody's corrupt, even the pope plots to shuffle stock
    and the ones higher up never bother to listen
    poets and scholars are the real priests and politicans
    you better know there's hidden knowledge that's been demolished
    and you'll get a better education in prison than college
    cracks are deep within, everybody gives an inch to feed the spin
    these days even the bed bugs that eat your skin are sleeping in
    but maybe cracks are vital to us cause we all live on the line
    maybe cracks are the street's veins & the system's bloodline
    but its strange cause its always the good people that fall inside the cracks
    while the bad go through it like a virus in a vein & get away with ridin on our backs

    cracks in the system, cracks in the wall
    cracks in the streets, through these cracks we're all gonna fall




    Every sweet has its sour; every evil its good.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson
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  8. blackwell

    blackwell New Member

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    [hide]got like: Ya verse was gd man I really liked it, it was creative and well structured although you could have put some twists into the story. The topic wasn't bad, a bit weird to say the least but you covered it well. it was nice and easy to read due to ya structure and each line followed through nicely. The story was short, brief, and straight to the point, I dont think it couldv'e been dragged out any longer. I havent seen much of ya stuff but this impressed me, gd work.

    Vigil: You had an ok topic and good rhyming skills but ya structure made it hard to read, ya bars were stretched out behond imagination. You had some good imagery in your piece, was creative with ya words, some good vocab. I've heard this topics like this a lot So it kinda bored me but can see you got skills.

    Overall: I feel that got lifes piece was easier to read through and captured my imagination more than vigil's. Was a shorter read but had more detail to it. Therefore my vote goes to
    got life.peace[/hide]

    Vote doesnt count
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  9. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    remember kids to vote in the tag tourney...

    ill be back to vote on this in a few...
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  10. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Got Life?:

    First of all, you disgust me. I thought at first it was a cop forcing a girl to do stuff to get out of a DWI, but I figured out what was going on about three fourths of the way through. However, the ending still shocked me because I didn't think you would actually do that. Verse was sick, in both ways. Good structure, nice rhyming, incredible imagery and a good twist.


    Vigil:

    Hmm, I don't know what it is about the piece that turned me off from it. The structure was bad I felt. It may be the way I read it, but I read through it twice and couldn't pick up the flow. I like the message you promoted, and the ending makes a nice point, but the stretched bar and lack of flow really detracted from the message getting across, in my opinion. I didn't like the hook either. The last verse is dope as fuck though, I'll say that. Would like to see the first two flow that well while still keeping their meaning. I don't know, I just felt like it could have been improved on in some aspects, but it wasn't really a bad piece by any means.

    Injustice is IN justice
    don't get double crossed by the double talk


    Those two lines really stood out to me for some reason.


    I felt like Got Life? just came with a more polished verse and an overall more enjoyable read. Respect to both though.
    Vote - Got Life?

    [/hide]
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  11. David Lama

    David Lama oh yea?

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    [hide]Gotlife - so basically what you did was a mortician having sex with a dead chick, a story I've heard a few times, seen in movies and shit, so it wasnt really anything special, but how you described the whole shit was cool. not bad at all, I didnt get into it though, I mean I was.. but it didnt really grasp me and leave me in awe or anything. still a solid drop man. I like how in this piece being alive = enjoying sex lol.. but yea man, solid shit.

    Vigil - I liked how you did this with the whole cracks in the system thing and how life is.. how prison and society and justic is these days, some real shit, first two verses had alot of stretched lines though which prevented me from getting into this as much as I could have been into it. if all three votes were like the last one then you would have won this, but yea man. the stretched lines cost you here. the last verse had some nice lines and ended your verse well, if only you had that same type of stuff in the rest of this piece, still a cool piece, but the start of this was rushed, or just not as polished as ya last verse. and it showed.

    overall - sorry if I was harsh to you guys but I'm not in a reading mood write now, my eyes hurt, and I have a headache and a bunch of things on my mind so yea some things may have came out harsher than they should have came out lol.. but overall I think that vigil had the more interesting piece but his verse just wasnt as polished as GotLife's which is why GotLife got this, Vigil needed to take more time on his verse to polish it if he really wanted to win this, his stretched lines costed him.

    vote- GotLife[/hide]
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  12. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    Remember Adults follow rules, so the only kid here is IV!

    IV banned from voting in this match as well
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  13. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    [hide]first off fuck pent up...

    im here for ya'll so here is your critiques...

    Got Life- your verse was a real smooth piece to read... it blew in very poetic... it also kept my interest throughout... my only qualm about this verse is its lack of multis. im a big fan of the rhyme and this piece, though it flowed smoothly, it was rough on the rhyme scheme because if u were to spit this, it would be more like a spoken word or something because of the lack of multis in your verse. as for the storyline the plot was good. i enjoyed reading a man who fucks dead people and find pleasure in it... it's sick in the head and that works...

    Vigil- your piece had the multis brought to the table, but your bars were strtched out a bit. Plus it was really hard for me to get INTO your verse because of the way it was written. It would be a pretty decent song, possibly but written wise i couldnt really get into it. Im a sucker for politics and i loved the collab u did with claus this and last week. but this is imo a boring read. dont get me wrong, it had some interesting things to say in it, the injustice opener was hot, but getlife's verse was more appealing to the eye only cuz it held my interest from cover to cover. Your best verse was the second stanza, that was the verse that made me feel u can make a come back but once again it fell off my radar...

    Vote- GotLife?

    edited to hide[/hide]
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  14. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

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    Got Life? - I thought this was one of your more impressive pieces. Your rhyming got a little better in this piece as well... Not as many forced rhymes just to finish the lines and good amount of appropriate rhymes and appropriate following rhymes. AND even SOME of what some might call a multi or two... Not bad there... The story was gripping and disturbing, and very vivid. It progressed very well from beginning to end and I thought ended well too. The flow seemed to be on point as well. Good showing from you this week.
    -------
    Vigil: Another impressive piece, message, substance, rhyming, and depth was all there. I liked the format, with three different situations under the same stresses, like a song... however, it was a little more difficult to follow along than Got Life's due to its long bars and lack of concrete flow. But being the emcee that I am I gathered myself and created my own flow with it that made it work. I thought most of the rhymes were used well, I thought each of the situations in the piece were presented well were brought under the topic nicely. Overall, a very nice showing from you, something I wasn't sure you had in you from reading last week's piece from you.
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    VOTE: This was TOUGH.. I liked both pieces basically equally, weighing strengths and weaknesses was difficult because I thought both were equally strong, and equally weak at some points. I'm a sucker for rhyming and substance, so I have to give this to Vigil... Although, perhaps on another morning I would vote the other way, close battle, maybe even an even match this week.

    Good stuff fellas.[/hide]
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  15. Adderall XR 30

    Adderall XR 30 New Member

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    This was a pretty solid battle. Both folks came with some ammo. I gotta break this one down before I cast my vote. Got Life, that was sick, fucked up, um, gross, but the mortician shit at the end was one of the better turn of events that I've read in a minute. Vigil, that was just a solid ass topical. The whole time, I sort of got this sense that maybe your piece could have been taken a few different ways. Whether that was intentional or not, I thought it was pretty cool. In terms of rhymes, Vigil definitely came with them in larger numbers. That is not to say that Got Life didn't do ok for himself there as well, just not quite to the same extent as Vigil's. In terms of flow, I sort of thought Got Life's read a bit smoother. A few of Vigil's lines read pretty long. The rhymes in Vigil's kept it going, but it was still a longer read despite being shorter in terms of line #. Got Life, one other little thing that I'm not a big fan is having stanza's that have an odd number of lines, particularly if the rhyme scheme doesn't carry on to the next one. It sort of chops up the flow of the piece a bit.

    I don't know, overall, I enjoyed Got Life's story a bit more than Vigil's topical. I thought vigil took the rhymes, but Got Life took the flow despite the one thing I mentioned. So I guess this one goes to Got Life?[/hide]
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  16. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

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    [HIDE]
    GotLife, interesting story and very descriptive in the scene set up. The start of this was profound and graceful, which really surprised me coming from something you wrote, but anyway. It pulled me into the character development nicely as the story began to open up with this girl. You described her naked body as if desiring to fuck her.... the later unfolds of her being a corpse that you fucked was a bit disturbing, lol, but still done nicely. When it turned out you're a mortician, that was a pleasant surprising ending to wrap it up. Your flow seems to be improving in the narrative sense and word useage too. Your flow is still pretty basic to me, but I see it getting a little better. Not sure if I've read this before from you cuz parts seemed familiar, like I've read it before..... regardless, nice shit. Bout time fool


    Vigil, the first stanza was a nice metaphorical setup of cracks and outline of a society full of endless seems that escape human decency and good intentions. Some of the lines seems a bit long, but that happens in text. Flow was a nicely set with it so that evens that out usually. As the second stanza opened up, it was nice to have a character to see this work for. Some nice detailing of the metaphor crack was widened and it was pretty cool too. The 3rd put a nice end to things with more emphasis on the cracks in the system theme. Its hard to remember the exact moments I fully enjoyed because so many different examples are covered and mocked well with an obvious contemptment for how societies are regulated. Good shit and well enjoyed.


    Close battle and it was actually good to see a nice competition out the two of you.

    Vote GotLife, a more entertaining piece overall I guess

    [/HIDE]
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  17. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    [hide]GL -- ill say it, ur getting better
    but i'll repeat myself also, you got hella work to go

    The rhyming was alright, very redundant and forced in places, very nice in a few (the line that rhymed with evanesence, speaking of which, u rhymed esence with esence, w-t-f?). The story itself was predictable. By the late second stanza or third stanza I knew where it was going. Not the mortician, but the necrophelia. I like the approach to the topic, i give you a nod for that. but overall its just the same got life verse to me, written cleaner (no convuluted attempts at rhyming for the MOST part, even some areas with clean multis, though rare.) so once again your going somewhere, but your nowhere near there yet.

    Vigil -- "poets and scholars are the real priests and politicans" WORD! some dope one liners, but this was kind of a drag to read..The fucking lines tried to have to much packed into them, when they really didnt need it. some of the rhyming was off and that was pissing me off, then you had rhymes go for an odd number of lines, and that threw me off, but mainly it was the bar length that was out-of-wack. Also it took you to long to get to that last stanza, you could've made one stanza out of the first two and pruned hella lines. You've got ways to go as a writer, but your illin it so don't trip. Your style is starting to seem redundant to me, ur writing about the same type of shit, and it upsets me that you didnt tackle your topic completely, because I see more of the 'sour' and 'evil' but not alot of the good and the sweet. The reptition of crack was overdone too; because of the stretched lines I think; it made it feel forced..you've gotta get that shit straight

    ima vote for GL even though I enjoyed vigils piece more, its just my way of trying to tell vigil to focus on what he's writing about, something GL seemingly did[/hide]
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  18. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    Vigil 22-16
    Got life 29-14

    votecount 6/7-1
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