7. Got Life? (5-2) vs. 8. Trybz (3-3)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by J o o k, Nov 5, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. J o o k

    J o o k Guest


    [​IMG]

    The New RSTL Rules and Regulations

    VERSES DUE: Thursday 11:59pm PST. NO RECYCLING.

    Verses posted after the deadline will not count! UNLESS you post your verse before mods close threads (for some odd reason), and your opponent agrees to let your verse stand.

    VOTES DUE: Sunday 8 PM PST. 4 votes per participant, POST LINKS in your match. Each link not posted will result in a 1 vote deduction up to 4 votes obviously.

    *Votes posted after deadline will not count in a tie or a close match, thus possibly resulting in a loss. GET YOUR VOTES IN.
    You are also required to vote on the Championship, and Contendership match which will be included in your 4 votes.

    If you are not in the league you cannot vote, unless you are an ex champion. Ex champions must vote on a minimum of 4 battles for their votes to count.

    *Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.

    *Verses MUST incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.

    *Anyone who does not post at least 4 lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.

    *During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.

    *Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a no-show.

    * EXSTENSTIONS will be granted on a case by case basis.

    *If your opponent no shows you will still be held accountable for posting TWO VOTES.

    *Votes must at least be 2 lines in length for each verse.

    NO SHOWS WILL COUNT AS A LOSS.

    Lastly: Moderators have FINAL say over all situations that arise.

    Amendments

    1. Mods can vote.

    2. You're opponent automatically gets the same extension deadline.

    3. You cannot win a championship by no show. You will become the number #1 seed, but you must win by vote to be a champion. This does not apply for defenses.

    test
  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    umm...yea...this is retarded...
    test
  3. Trybz

    Trybz New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2002
    Messages:
    80
    test
  4. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    test
  5. Trybz

    Trybz New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2002
    Messages:
    80

    Decomposing cadavers and feces filled fox holes
    Herpes on his lip, with a mucus mix from his snot nose
    Face chapped and nicked, from the cold winds,
    Deteriorating boots to keep his jungle rotted toes in
    The stenches are worse than a woman giving birth
    His soul tries escaping daily, as he questions what living's worth




    Circa 1969 Vietnam war, where land mergers kill
    Forget fast food, the major death of Americans was Hamburger hill
    937 meters high, with 10 times the death and an ether sky
    I am an angel and we are walking through a day in Peters life.




    He's tired of suffering, and he cant bare the winds jab
    So he curls up and picks at his heroin scabs
    He's given up on life, prays to God for a fast death
    So I am here to make sure he doesn't succumb to his last breath
    His sergeant calls his name, he quivers and gestures
    The moon shine alcohol is making his liver a pester
    Peters smoking, he takes one last puff and withers
    Then snaps back into it when he hears "FRONT AND CENTER"
    "Peter listen closely, you're our last hope
    The situation has gotten more complex than when we last spoke"
    His eyes fixate, his attention is full bloom
    "Corporal Peter do you think we have the tools to ....
    Project hundreds of Vietnamese woman being raped and pillaged
    Then murdered, while we gasolined and blazed the village
    We have it all on film, the men, we can use it against
    Just to show if they don't surrender, we'll do it again"





    He wired the projector up, chose a smooth hill surface
    Sweat trickling down his brow, he begin to feel nervous
    Sex crimes were illegal according to the Geneva convention
    If things went wrong, the US government would need a conviction
    Of the troops responsible, and now he's part of it
    Fuck part, he is about to become the soul and heart of it
    He switched it on, for minutes there was silence
    The Viet Cong begin to grow timid from the violence
    Portrayed in the footage, so grotesque we might laugh
    To hide our tears.. Then we seen a white flag
    Raised from the hillside, the plan had worked
    No honor in this battalion, only scams and jerks




    Now the men get to pack up, and leave the rogue zone
    This was Peters last mission, now he's relieved to go home
    He could taste American soil, even envision his wife
    But he has info that could put the Commander in prison for life
    So on his way back to base they took a piss break
    And shot him to death, I guess it was just his fate
    Threw him in a local villages trash heap with junk and cans
    That's what happens when you're in the hands of UNCLE SAM




    [​IMG]



    *Uncles Sam is what we call the Government for my overseas people who may not know.
    test
  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    The Good Deed

    [​IMG]

    "The Good Deed"

    It's desp.icable how people step around acting offended,
    That this man lies on the ground starved, cold, unattended,
    It never ended, the repulsion on their disgusted faces,
    Towards crusted cases as he lay there in dusted traces,
    Of a broken home, despair, he looked so hopeless, alone,
    But this was still a man, even without an opus or throne,
    He should still be regarded as such, treated with decency,
    Or has society become as conceited as it seems to be?
    Brooding indecency; irritated by stepping around a man,
    They remind me of my father; he too, never gave a damn.

    The uneasiness panged my chest, ages of guilt and unrest,
    Seeing a man lying there, watching him wilt, I'm depressed,
    I had to do what's right, moving forward, I offer my hand,
    Looking up, he trembles, his cough shaking each strand-
    Of hair upon his matted head, that covers his sapphire eyes,
    A gaze seemingly so familiar, I almost gasp with surprise,
    As I lead this man to help clean him up, nourish his system,
    Hoping to raise his spirits so he can flourish, I wished him-
    To regain composure, that this deed would restart his life,
    You know how dreamers dream, I dreamt for him a wife,
    A golden retriever named buddy and children of his own,
    Yet for now I'm sure he'll settle for the warmth of my home,
    Or at least I hoped, truth be told, he hadn't even spoken,
    Damn, why is everything I try so hard to believe in broken?

    And it broke, awoken from my thoughts I heard the glass,
    The shattered mass echoing through hollow halls, so crass,
    But upon approaching the door my own jaw hit the floor,
    I couldn't believe the awe now in store for my feeble core,
    Before me stood a man, blood dripping from his knuckles,
    His weather caked leathery hands holding a belt buckle,
    Staring at me with that same cold steely stare I remember,
    From every disappointing Christmas in every December,
    The matted hair that held my stranger in utter disguise-
    Now lies surrounding him on the floor, I now recognize,
    That here stands what's left of the man I called my father,
    His eyes unflinching, this cold serpent never did bother-
    With the feelings or emotions of others, and that smirk,
    That's driven my dreams berserk, I feel my body jerk,
    Yet I'm motionless, I can't seem to move or to speak,
    And then he spoke, "Once again, you prove you're weak!"

    Meet Charles, unloving father and neglecting spouse,
    I still remember vividly the night turmoil hit our house,
    He was standing over me, knuckles covered in my blood,
    I just shuddered from each thud,
    All of this because he discovered some mud-
    That was dragged in on my boots; now this flash flood,
    From this tyrant, this monster, this "loving" imposter,
    Would foster every scream and at the same time cost her,
    Her, being my mother, because of him, she lost a son,
    Or more like I lost a mother for the cost of a gun;
    She pulled the trigger-
    You figure, who really lost...who really won.

    Me, I'm still stunned by the first incision made,
    The precision he bayed, my last vision, that blade,
    With which he removed my spine, my blood oozing out,
    He muttered I didn't deserve a backbone, no doubt-
    It all made sense in his twisted, demented retribution,
    He blamed me for mother's self-orchestrated execution,
    The neighbors would later blame a homeless straggler,
    Police tying the case onto some robber and gager,
    Mother's waiting now at the pearly gate,
    She was right though, "no good deed goes unscathed!"

    Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds. - Franklin D. Roosevelt​
    test
  7. S. Issue

    S. Issue Who?

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2002
    Messages:
    908
    Trybz: this verse, whew. so much better than what we have been seeing. as far as rhyme and story go. you develop character and a plot line. very nice to see here. on top of all that, i think my complaint about this is the overuse of multis. it gets monotonous after awhile. but you still have a lot of good imagery and description. so, great job this week. keep it up.

    GL?: you were really ready to kill it this week, and this topic just came right off the hand here. very nice use of rhyme scheme and flow to move the piece along, and the story you told was really pretty simple. this didnt need to have a huge twist though. it made sense, it developed throughout, and you had the mechanics down pat.

    very close, and very nice battle fellers.

    VOTE: GL?...for having a bit better grasp of his mechanical skills and using them to counteract a slightly less well wrought story.
    test
  8. Dicnyaeye

    Dicnyaeye N CuM oN Ya BrAiN

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2006
    Messages:
    251
    Trybz, somebody told me you weren't that good of a verse writer, but from what I'm writing, I strongly disagree.... the detailing of this was great. I didn't want to miss a piece of it as it all lead the story nicely from start to finish. The narration was pretty strong in the voice of a left wing political view giving a documentary portrayal of a mentally flawed soldier in the armed forced. Nice use of words, cool format, decent flow structure... it was pretty smooth through the whole thing. The start pulled me into it and I stayed into it so job well done man.

    GL, gripping tale of emotional abuse wrapped, more like warped around nice flashback sequences with torn memories of deaths in the family.... helping a bumb that turns out to be your father who is rediculing you even though he's a bumb. that's a dramatic set of circumstances to get through and display and it was done pretty nicely..... with all the deaths that were described in this, I would of liked to see a bit more graphic detailing of them. The ending was cool with knife being twisted into the narrator's spine was.. would of liked to see that kind of detail in the flashback of the mother's death and fathers abuse to cause the miscarriage. I liked this though... nice linking the events for a dramatical effect.

    both of you did pretty nicely I think... the second best match I've read so far.... I think the deciding factor for me is the strength in the narration...

    Vote Trybz.... a stronger narration imo
    test
  9. Strike2

    Strike2 Man Meets Creator

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2001
    Messages:
    15,985
    vote gl by a small margin tho...

    Trybz a good verse basicly...you had flow and rhymescheme on GL as yers was jus that bit smoother and nicer...but the storyline was altho decent second to GL's as he put much more into gettin into character... your storyline worked but didnt come alive as much as GL's

    Well a small repeat here of what I just said.. I liked GL's development and altho I felt it lacked some smoothness and fluentness on some minor occasions.. I got more into the story then I did with Trybz...and thats what counts to me...

    vote GL
    test
  10. LokStok

    LokStok Fuck that LokStrok cunt

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2006
    Messages:
    2,684
    a lot closer than we gave this credit for ..

    Trybz - you need to keep this level going and ditch those poems .. this was nice son .. good story .. good scheme .. pretty much good everything .. definitely raised your game this week .. the story was entertaining and factual .. it was easy to follow with some nice stand out lines within .. nothing at all seemed forced and it just came off as a well executed verse ..

    Got Life? - this was a better piece than last week .. I felt engaged with the story and characters as the story progressed .. it didn't sidetrack into bits of filler that disengage a reader (something you've done a few times this season) .. it all stuck together well and was carried along with a steady, but not faultless, flow .. although not a massive step up .. the vocab of the rhyming was also better than previous pieces ..

    Vote = Got Life? .. I repeat .. this was close .. I really enjoyed Trybz's verse this week .. he showed everyone that was pretty much comparing him to Unavailable/Twixn.. in talent .. that he can step up the gears and produce a solid piece of writing .. however .. as much as Got Life? would like to believe this pains me .. I felt GL? had the edge with a slightly better rounded piece ..

    good battle guys .. props to you both ..
    test
  11. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    trybz, good piece, honestly you surprised me here, your first stanza was easily one of the hottest standalone segments from this week's verses, however your verse seemed to go down hill as far as story writing talent, you start off with a careful selection of words, a flawless flow, and imagery out the asshole, but then it all seems to slowly deteriorate and comes to an abrupt halt at the ending, the actual story in itself was still interesting and somewhat creative [definately a good take on the picture], it kept me interested and i didnt have to re-read in order to actually grasp the underlying concept [although i did re-read the beginning just because i thought you did a good job, i had to make sure it was really you], you definately showed potential and if you kept writing like this [but with better endings] then you would definately be a contender for the belt, the only main downfall was the actual ending or more specifically the actual time spent on the ending, it was a good idea and would have made for a good ending but there was no imagery or emotion offered so that we could feel his pain, it was just too abrupt and sudden for me to actually feel the impact, you should have went into more detail and actually described the death scene and what led up to it, then walking into the bathroom and cornering him while he's pleading for his life or something, could have been a very dope ending though, but overall this was still a good drop, nicely done

    GL, i was thoroughly impressed, although there were parts were the flow was a tad bit off this actually read well without overpowering the actual story, and i must admit that consistently you do have one of the best writer's voices around, some of your verses are clearly wacker than others but you always tend to do a good job narrating a story packed with imagery and emotion, this verse was actually a step up because on top of that you added an effective flow and rhythmic pattern which guided the reader through the verse, some would argue that your ending was drawn out and should have been more of a twist but i feel that it corresponded well with the plot and voice throughout the story, it was a predictable ending however it was just the way it should have been because anything more would have been too much, just as your opponent did --you started off good but slowely deteriorated [however at a slower rate that trybz' verse], but you picked it up at the end which made for an interesting and enjoyable read overall


    with that said, i have to vote for - Got Life? for the better and more complete script, good battle tho fellas
    test
  12. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
    May 3, 1999
    Messages:
    27,824
    This is a real real strong showing in both ... very strong...

    in this sense I had to look for all-around perfection in all areas of the versewriting...

    I had NAS in my head reading both verses and realistically from that essence i felt Trybz brought upon the more likelier replica of it....

    as for strength of wordplay and imagery - GL got this....

    GL brought more stronger and heavier attributes to the wordplay....

    however what I look for judging rhymes is not so much that but the realism of a rhyme that I want to use for a song... something more a bit simplistic yet understandable...

    in that dept. TRybz got that....

    I have a very diff outlook on what things i look for in the better verse... most would go for story/content

    im looking for the one quality that presents itself very vividly but at the same time also is readable in the most understanding way -- no complexities... just speak it, type it and then OHH I GET IT..

    thats it.

    TRYBZ 84
    GOT LIFE 83
    test
  13. Mound 10

    Mound 10 At peace

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    137
    Trybz; your verse was dead on in the things that happen which we are unaware of. I like the whole thing actually and was overly impressed. The only problem I had was with the angel. I don't know how he really fit it, but I take it he is the one telling the story. Sadly these type of events happen in wars. The Geneva convention is hardly ever followed in wartime, and if it was who would police it?

    Got Life?; your verse was also pretty good. I just think it's a little fictional when it's suppose to have a non-fictional feel. A person would have to be really naive to not know it was his father. I liked the story though, and the end is a little sad. I don't have any big complaints beside the filler in the beginning. Good overall verse.

    Vote - Trybz
    test
  14. vada

    vada New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2002
    Messages:
    322
    trybz...

    i must say this was better than i thought, to be honest seeing your 3-3 record i was a bit bias, but after reading your verse i apologize, your verse fit the pcture perfect, along with the imagery, the flow and just the overall meaning of this verse, i really enjoyed this, props to ya, i hate polotics, and this verse made me grin, good shit

    got life...

    this was nicely written the flow was good, shaky in some areas but it was good, the storyline was good, i liked how everything came together in the end, the twist even though it was a twist i kind of figured it before you actually commited to actually saying the bum was your father, but all and all i liked it very good verse

    overall...

    BOTW in my opinion from what i've read so far, this is a tough battle i liked both verse but I have to pick one, it's a shame i cant say tie, but anyway ima go with TRYBZ i just liked the content of his verse more, damn this was hard to vote for, anyway props to you both, this was a good battle
    test
  15. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 1999
    Messages:
    5,955
    Tough one for me to decide on, good showing from both.

    Trybz: Dope story, the direction you chose to go based on the picture worked really well. My biggest qualm with your piece was the seeming deterioration of I dont know... focus maybe, as the piece carried on. The introduction, and the images and rhyming were very well sorted out, as the story progressed it seems you lost a sense of direction... or you knew where you wanted to go with it but didn't quite get there in the most effecient way. However, the strengths of this piece really outweighed the negatives, as, even though I might (in retrospect obviously) have written it differently to get from point A to point B better, you still did it well enough that the piece didn't take too much of a hit... on top of that the last couple lines were nice.

    GL: One of your better pieces in my eyes this week... your schemes (my biggest criticism of your stuff as you know) picked up here... the rhyming was much more consistent, I think you may be starting to catch on to the fact that more complex rhyming makes more detailed stories and stronger images, as well as stronger flow. The introduction was very nicely written, seemed to be pretty much taken from the picture you chose, but you described it nicely... bits and pieces of the verse sort've trailed off as far as the rhyming and flow aspect were concerned, but you stayed on topic very nicely...

    I'm tempted to not even vote, and throw in a tie or something because preference isn't even a factor here, both pieces were written similarly well with similar strengths and faults

    ... read them again

    I'm gonna go with Got Life?... although I'm not 100% convinced its the right way to go... ties just don't matter to me. Dope battle.
    test
  16. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

    Got Life? wins (6-2)
    Trybz loses (3-4)
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)