7. Calloused 3-1 -V- 8. Forrester 1-0

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by DiC GeTs GuLLy, Aug 14, 2006.

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  1. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

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    RSTL RULES AND REGULATIONS

    RULES AND REGULATIONS - THERE'S SOME NEW SHIT SO CLICK AND READ


    The Standard League Rules will still be Enforced

    Due Dates

    VERSES DUE: Friday 12:00am PST/3:00am EST
    Verses posted after the deadline will not count!

    VOTES DUE Sunday: 12:00am PACIFIC/3:00 Midnight EST
    Votes posted after the deadline will not count!

    • Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.
    • Verses must incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.
    • Anyone who does not post at least 4 rap lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.
    • During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.
    • Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a “show” but will not result in a match. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent posts between 16-64, you will lose the match but you will remain in the league. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent does not show, you will “Win by no-show”.

    Voting:
    • If you do not show you can still vote and post the links in your match to receive full voting points. In addition, if you do not show, yet vote on at least 4 matches (Or, every match available, should there be less than 4 matches to vote on) you will remain in the league.
    • Votes must be hidden! To hide a vote, first thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. The last thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, a backslash “/”, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. Unhidden votes will not count towards the match or towards your vote requirements.
    • No second chance votes! If your vote has been edited, even it was only to hide it, your vote will not count towards the match or towards your vote requirements.
    • No bias votes! If you have a personal investment in wanting someone to lose, whether because that member voted against you once, or you just don’t like that person, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match. If have a personal investment in wanting someone to win, whether because they’re crew member, or because you want to face that person in the next week’s brackets, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match.
    • ”Bias” must be confirmed by a Moderator.
    • If there is a match which you will not be able to vote on, due to “Bias” of any type, state so within your match prior to Verses Due Deadline. If this reduces the number of matches available for you to vote on to the point where you are unable to vote on at least 4 matches, the point scale will be adjusted according to how many matches you do vote on.
    • 3-ways are inevitable. In order to provide a tie-breaker in a 3-way, you are now required to indicate in what order the contestants finished (1st, 2nd, 3rd).
      anyone who does not show or vote is suspended one week and must sign-in again to be inserted the following week.



    Topics: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1003478
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  2. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

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  3. Calloused

    Calloused New Member

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    Nov 3, 2005
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  4. JBB Sports Man

    JBB Sports Man New Member

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    Checkity check...

    I'm in.
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  5. JBB Sports Man

    JBB Sports Man New Member

    Joined:
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    For quite some time I’ve been dancing in the dark
    It’s been awhile since light has secured my heart
    Once so independent, only dependent upon success
    6’3”, 225, star half-back-lord, was I blessed!
    Never the brightest in school but then again, who was?
    I’d sacrifice a college degree for a few million bucks
    I’d sacrifice a young lady’s trust for a few nut busts
    I’d sacrifice my whole future for one everlasting rush
    I’d scoff at my parents, roll my eyes in disgust
    At a mother who made lunches for a living
    And an old man who drove a bus for his bucks
    I remember knocking this one slut up
    And I got the bitch pregnant
    Told her if she told anyone livin,
    I’d set her up on a date with Satan
    No cares, no worries in Landon Anderson’s world
    Because a little oval pigskin could get me all the riches and girls
    And now that I look back, sitting alone with a cane,
    In a worn-down rocking chair in a cottage on Memory Lane,
    I shed tears at how I looked down on humanity as if they were wearier
    As if the world as I knew it was inferior
    I remember all the advice from all my superiors
    “Landon, you need an education”…
    “Landon, a few touchdown’s won’t overcome life’s barriors”
    But they weren’t me, they weren’t in USA Today
    On the front page with Bill Parcells preaching my name
    I needed no one’s assistance, it was that which I insisted
    I was used to dancing in darkness
    All those lunging lineman wanted me blistered
    They wanted me dead because I made them feel foolish
    They couldn’t tackle a little gnat and seemed downright clueless
    Till one day I hurdled this one giant and I looked back to laugh
    And didn’t notice his other friend coming so fast
    With the look of a lion, his feet leapt towards me like lightning
    His teeth clenched, his eyes glistened…
    His momentum was frightening
    I tried to dodge and duck but it was too little, too late
    All that I remember next was staring into space
    A space with no stars
    Just a fond pitch of black that martyred my vision
    A deep sleep would soon follow before my mind’s focus had risen
    Was told I suffered a concussion so tenacious
    That my eyesight fell victim to one man’s murderous graces
    I lay still in that bed and tried to remember my last sight
    Glaring at a broken foe who’s tackle I had let slide by
    Funny how the one instance that would ruin the rest of my life
    Was of me reminiscing over another man’s plight
    So now I sit mired in obscurity
    With only broken images to bleakly massage my insecurity
    It affords me time to think and a lot of time in prayer
    Wondering what could have been made of my college days at Baylor
    And from time to time, tears still well up amongst all of this
    As I realize my whole life I had been dancing in the darkness​



    topic: dancing in the dark.
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  6. Calloused

    Calloused New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2005
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    236
    Dancing in the Dark

    The gymnasium's stadium lights had faded.
    Couples traipsed into the night as vagrants claiming a right that's sacred.
    Tonight, they came into their lives, stepping past the reaches of childhood.
    Breaking free of these mean streets, they set eyes on the beaches of Wildwood.
    The ties had been loosened; the champagne had been popped.
    The gymnasium had been emptied save for one maiden, who sobbed.
    The moonlight staining the hall cast her figure as a silhouette.
    Meanwhile,
    a second figure emerged, taking big strides after years of little steps.

    Greg was a quiet boy, shy, confined by his weak demeanor.
    He spent his high school years mostly alone,
    not that he needed people.
    He was never an outcast; he just prefered his solitude.
    His bashful manner just came natural, introverted all his youth.
    So tonight, prom night, Greg had stood patient against the wall.
    Waiting for his chance, the whole time his heart was racing, tense, in awe.
    Her name was Becky, eighteen with a candy-coated smile.
    But beneath the confections, one could see the form of a slanted, hopeless child.
    She had felt the hard knocks, knew well the aches and pains,
    yet she took it all in stride, never sought to make a change.
    She never fought to stake a gain; life had fucked her over hard.
    Her drunken mother never could understand her sober scars
    and scrapes and bruises. She couldn't escape, it was useless.
    Her father was a smart man, he left the two to chase his muses.
    She never knew him, further provoking her emotional seclusion
    which couldn't have been helped by her stepfather's groping and abusing.
    Becky tried to escape reality through any possible method.
    Soon enough, she found herself an addict of the most hostile of Methods.
    The ice became a release. The casual sex was more like a side effect.
    Becky knew she was becoming her mother,
    but she'd spend her life denying it.
    It was prom night for Becky, but after the lights had faded,
    she realized she could no longer chalk her life up to youthful nights so jaded.
    So she cried, deflated.

    Greg lived down the block from Becky, he had watched her life's disaster.
    He had seen her fall from innocence. So tonight, as he watched her cry, unraveled,
    he realized it mattered. He had always loved her dearly.
    There was something in her eyes, her face, her way, that touched him clearly.
    Something that made his heart rush, that turned his eyes teary
    everytime he saw her with a new cut or bruise.
    He just wanted to give her something new, some form of hope, some sense of truth.
    He loved her. He didn't ask that she love him too.

    The gymnasium's stadium lights had faded.
    Couples traipsed into the night as vagrants, but two stood in silent patience.
    Greg approached Becky. "It's a beautiful evening," he began.
    His small talk had struck a nerve, "Just leave me here to stand."
    Greg never flinched or turned his back, "The weather's nice and warm."
    "Don't you get it, I want to be alone!" Her words held spite and scorn.
    He continued on despite her warning, "Do you remember elementary school?
    The time we acted in that play: you were the princess, I, the jester fool."
    "Some things never change," she coarsely responded, but her words held lighter tone.
    As though reminiscing to simpler times had sung a brighter note.
    Greg continued, "I always picture you as that princess, flaunting all your shiny jewels,
    but beneath the surface, you're still waiting for Prince Charming..."
    "Please, you were just the spineless fool."
    Her interuption held a tone of bitterness, as though his words had struck a nerve.
    "Listen, no matter what you say, I won't fuck you. After all, you're just a nerd."
    Greg hadn't quite expected a comeback so blunt and frank.
    "I'm not here for lust and skank, Becky, I just happen to like your essense."
    "What a fucking freak. Just leave me alone, Mr. Happy Pants."
    Greg knew it was time to turn the corner: "May I have this dance?"
    "The music's been over for almost half an hour," she retorted quick.
    "Please, my princess," he extended his arm out toward her hip.
    She rolled her eyes, but something inside made her accept his hand.
    She closed her eyes; he began to hum; they stepped in dance.

    They danced the night away, till the sun rose, granting them a spark.
    They never made a fire. They prefered dancing in the dark.
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  7. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    14,147
    uppin for votes
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  8. Adderall XR 30

    Adderall XR 30 New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    80
    [hide]I'm going for Calloused in this battle and I'll tell you all why. Forrester, you had the makings of a compelling story, but I feel like the way it all developed made the end quite anti-climatic. To me, there was a lot in the first half of the rhyme that didn't really contribute much to the end of it other than to set up that dude was a bad ass and got humbled. That was the point, obviously, but I think you spent a little too much time developing that part of the story. If you had used the end to tie together things like the woman he got pregnant and his parents etc, maybe I wouldn't of had that to critique. Calloused, I love the way this whole thing developed, my only minor issue is that the end, while not anti-climatic, was reeeeally fast. It's like, I would have liked to of known more about the dance if that makes any sense. 50 lines leading up to the dance and then the dance gets two lines of mention. Don't ask me what you could have done better. I'm not even viewing this in that light. I just think it would have made the whole thing even better than it already was. The other main difference between these two pieces was the quality of the rhymes and the smoothness of the writing. Calloused had a marked advantage in both categories. Forrester, I'm not suggesting that you need to start going multi-crazy in order to compete. But right now, at the point you are currently at as a writer, your rhymes have to start stepping up to compete. A reeeeeally good writer can get away with not rhyming a whole lot but you aren't quite a reeeeeeally good writer yet. You are getting there, but you still have a ways to improve. In terms of writing, your transitions from sentence to sentence could be a lot smoother. Calloused actually provided a really good example for you to study in his piece. Every line just rolls smoothly from one to the other and the thoughts that each line contains transition smoothly at the same time. Right now, you haven't quite reached that level. That, to me, is the next big step in your development. Calloused, the only other thing I wanted to point out is that some of your lines dragged on quite a bit. Most of them were fine, but there were a few here and there that I thought would never end. That said, you did a damn good job and deserve this here win in my opinion.[/hide]
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  9. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,707
    [hide]Forrester:
    This was a fantastic take on the topic, and you depicted each scene very well. I liked how you had the central character looking back on his life as an old man with a 'cane' in a 'rocking chair'. That was a nice touch. Also, the flow and rhyme scheme were pretty decent and consistent throughout. My favourite sergment was this though, cause it was worded perfectly and the iamgery was so vivid;

    All those lunging lineman wanted me blistered
    They wanted me dead because I made them feel foolish
    They couldn’t tackle a little gnat and seemed downright clueless
    Till one day I hurdled this one giant and I looked back to laugh
    And didn’t notice his other friend coming so fast
    With the look of a lion, his feet leapt towards me like lightning
    His teeth clenched, his eyes glistened…
    His momentum was frightening
    I tried to dodge and duck but it was too little, too late
    All that I remember next was staring into space
    A space with no stars
    Just a fond pitch of black that martyred my vision
    A deep sleep would soon follow before my mind’s focus had risen


    Calloused:
    First off, that font is terrible. Never use it again, lol. With that aside, I can now discuss your verse. And what can I say? This was fantastic. Everything about it was just tip top; the flow, the rhyme scheme, the troubled characters finding each other, and the wording was just unbelievable. I'd say, without doubt, this is verse of the week. In my opinion anyway.

    The moonlight staining the hall cast her figure as a silhouette.
    Meanwhile,
    a second figure emerged, taking big strides after years of little steps.

    Greg was a quiet boy, shy, confined by his weak demeanor.
    He spent his high school years mostly alone,
    not that he needed people.
    He was never an outcast; he just prefered his solitude.
    His bashful manner just came natural, introverted all his youth.
    So tonight, prom night, Greg had stood patient against the wall.
    Waiting for his chance, the whole time his heart was racing, tense, in awe.
    Her name was Becky, eighteen with a candy-coated smile.
    But beneath the confections, one could see the form of a slanted, hopeless child.


    The way you described everythnig was just so vivid, and the content moved fluidly into the direction you wanted. Also, you crafted the dialogue brilliantly, and everythnig fitted like a glove. Overall, I think it's safe to say that I'm giving this one to Calloused. An absolutely fantastic piece.[/hide]
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  10. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    884
    [hide]Forrester - That verse was pretty straight forward, that's one reason why I liked it. The flow could've been more polished in some areas but in general I thought you did enough to make the verse interesting. I like it when I read retrospective characters, but I wanted this verse to be more emotional. And as far as originality goes, I thought the whole college football player wasn't that fresh, but then again I still think you did a good job.

    Calloused - The only problem I had with this verse was the size of the font lol, but I guess that's your style. This was the most complete verse I've read this week, you included almost everything, the description of the setting, the back stories of the characters, and the dialogue were all well done. The writing was crisp, the flow was right on, there was a good use of vocab, so yea I liked everything about this verse. I liked how you ended it, it all came together with the title and story. This is definitely a top 5 verse, much props.

    vote - Calloused[/hide]
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  11. SteveThaGreat

    SteveThaGreat Zeus

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2006
    Messages:
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    [hide]

    dope battle... i'm not sure if i'm allowed to vote but i'll do it anyway...

    forrester- i thought your piece began uninteresting, i didn't like some of the wording, but it really picked up... the entire second half was marvelous, all the way from

    i was captivated from that point on... i thought you could've used a more spectacular ending but certainly your piece was very good.


    calloused- conversely, i thought ur piece was more consistent. although i didn't like any of your piece more than i liked the second half of forrester's i thought as a whole you did a better job. some areas seemed a little forced as far as your wording/flow but overall a good job. i thought your ending sucked, though... i really feel like you left me hanging. but that's only cause i was so involved in the piece up to that point... it would've been more fulfilling to see something extraordinary happen at the end.


    but as it is, i think this was a very close battle but i'm going with calloused in this one... good job to both.


    [/hide]
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  12. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2003
    Messages:
    458
    [hide]
    Forrester:

    This verse was alright, it had the standard necessities to be a complete verse, development, decent writing, rhyme form, etc. Elsewise it felt like going thru the motions, a typical tale with a bland moral, the soft rhymes were distracting and there's enough words in the english language to rhyme properly, there's no excuse for that. There's nothing really wrong with this verse, it just doesn't strive for anything but mediocrity. This league often disgusts me with the lack of creativity and the voter punishment for thinking outside the box and these kind of verses, with typical themes that we've all seen in music, movies, tv, writing, etc. have been done so many times. It was a decent read, hopefully you come with something more ambitious next week.

    Calloused:

    First off, if you need to make your font size smaller because your bars are too long, YOUR BARS ARE TOO LONG, don't make me suffer for it for christ's sake. The scheme was decent, had some interrhyme to make up for the long bars but didn't hold consistent thruout, flow was decent.

    This was almost too much of an essay instead of a verse with too many soft rhymes, but it managed thanks to great writing, vocab and a good story that held my interest. The story itself was well done, alot of sub-text in the conversations and it progressed nicely it was a simple story yet you approached it well and subtley with great detail. The ending was nice, although a little too ambiguous for my taste.

    Oh an FYI atrophy into blasphemy works fine, he's figuratively receding into a blasphemous act from his marriage, so blow me.

    Overall, Calloused had a much more intricate and better written piece full of great sub-text and characterization which creates a much nicer piece than Forrester, who came solid, but stereotypical and unambitious.
    [/hide]
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  13. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
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    [HIDE]Forrester, this was actually narrated pretty nicely and had some cool character development with a morale that I was feeling too. The dancing with darkness topic was well portrayed in your piece. I didn't really understand the long sequence of getting a girl pregnant and being evil about it other than to show that you were full of yourself and very arrogant, I guess that was the point and then you get leveled by disaster that makes your thinking grounded. Cool shit, I was feeling it. Could some work on the flow and usually stories need more to make it more gripping and interesting. it's developing nicely though.

    Calloused, this was a pretty sweet story. It went along very slowly... was hard to really get into it for me. The narration just didn't have much in it that was interesting.... very human, but like everyday type situation, which is cool ofr life, but was expecting a bit more content wise to hold my attention. The flow made it nice though as it started and I was getting into it, later on it got kinda long though... but then the sweetness came with the dialogue and that was all warm and cuddly and shit. Thought dude would get dissed and sent away, but she took his hand and they danced the night away.... kinda cliche, actually very cliche and hella, super duper corny... lol, but it was still cool.

    Vote Calloused[/HIDE]
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  14. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    [hide]

    Forrester...I don't know what happened to you man...last week your piece was really on point and captured me with a lot of creativity and poise, this week...your mechanics seemed off...your scheme was rather basic and I didn't like what you did with the subject matter at all...

    Calloused...the imagery and character development in this piece were really top notch...enjoyed them thoroughly along with a very smooth progression...sorry I can't give you more feed because i'm kinda in a rush, but I really enjoyed this piece and I feel that all the elements were on point except for the whole Mr. Happy Pants line...that just didn't fit right for me....other then that...good shit...

    vote Calloused for having a better put together verse...

    [/hide]
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  15. JBB Sports Man

    JBB Sports Man New Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    391
    thanks for the votes...

    and yea, i just wasnt up for this this week...no excuses, i was outwritten this week, plain and simple...

    calloused dropped some fire, nice work man...
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  16. TaLi RodrigueZ

    TaLi RodrigueZ Washed Up Rapper...

    Joined:
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    Calloused Wins

    Calloused 4-1
    Forrester 1-1
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