45.Penitence vs. 46.Inatimate

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Omen, Oct 12, 2003.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Omen

    Omen O Luh Da Kids

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2001
    Messages:
    21,912
    VERSES DUE Wednesday 10:00pm PACIFIC/1:00am EST
    VOTES DUE Saturday 10:00am PACIFIC/1:00pm EST


    VOTING RULES
    No beef votes
    No payback votes
    No 2nd Chance Votes, Once and Done


    VOTE ON 6 BATTLES!!!!!


    FAILURE TO DO SO RESULTS IN 3 VOTE SUBTRACTION!!!
    This week and following we will enforce this rule



    4 lines - NO SHOWS
    12 lines - MIN
    60 lines - MAX


    Fail to Post URL's all those votes will not count

    Your Topics are here
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?threadid=652131


    if you win by no-show u are encouraged to vote still in other matches!!!!!


    NEW RULE: Voting On a No-show Verse does not Count as your vote, Both Competitors must show.

    Go Forth And Produce​
    test
  2. Penitence

    Penitence Penny.

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2003
    Messages:
    2,856
    Im Here.. And Going To Drop Nicely
    test
  3. Inatimate

    Inatimate Guest

    test
  4. Inatimate

    Inatimate Guest

    Omnific
    you wake up from last night, had a few to smoke and knocked back a couple....but when you wake up nobody knows you, your mom dad whatever dont even recognise who you are, they start buggin and flippin out reachin for the phone to call for the police....so you gotta tell them who ya are.....try to get them to remember


    Me: Listen, Im your son. Why dont you believe me mum?
    Cant you remember givin birth to me, way back in '81?
    Mum: Last time I remembered, I had a lovely Child,
    One who didnt go around wavin a gun like he was wild.
    Me: What you talkin about, How can u disown ur only son?
    Oh, wait now I remember, I did threaten dad with a gun.
    And I'm sorry that I choked you dad, till u turned blue and looked like Sonic.
    But I had a bit too much to drink, and I smoked too much of da Chronic.
    Dad: Im sorry I dont know you, so why dont you leave us both alone.
    Me: I cant believe your doing this, throwing me out of my own home.
    Mum: Hold on there boy, now before you go any further.
    Why dont u explain about my daughter's murder.
    Me: Nah, Jessie Aint dead, So take back what you said.
    When I came in last night, I saw her sleepin in her bed.
    Then I cant remember the rest...Wait its coming back to me, Fuck!
    I saw her bedroom door open, so I thought I'd take a look.
    She opened up her eyes, then she started to scream
    So I choked the girl to death but I was sure it was just a dream.
    I didnt mean to kill her, and I wasnt stalking like Jack the Ripper.
    And now my life is going downhill like I'm on the Big Dipper.
    Dad: I've Had enough of this, Diane give me a knife,
    You've killed my fucking daughter, You Took her fucking life.
    Diane pick up the phone I need to make a call.
    This boy is a killer, and I aint taking it at all.
    Me: Wait, before you reach the phone dad, stop.
    Im sorry about last night but there's no need to call the cops.
    Cant we just negotiate? I'll do the dishes for a week.
    Mum: Shut up you fucking murder, Who said that you could speak?
    *Jay reaches into his Jacket, and pulls out a sub-machine gun*
    Me: Now the tables gonna turn, I said I was sorry dad and mum.
    We can stop this shit right now, Unless you want to take it further.
    And if you do i'll pull this trigger and I will make 2 more murder's.
    Dad: Now this has gone too far, It only started as some fun,
    We only said this shit, cos we saw you smoking weed and found your gun.
    And Jessie isn't really dead, she's Still alive and breathin.
    We just knew you were thinkin about her, cos you talk when you are dreamin.
    Now, put the gun down son, we need to have talk.
    We were really going to send you to live with your Uncle in New York.
    He was gonna come dressed like a cop, and take you to his mansion in his car.
    But now you've pulled out the gun, you've taken this too far.
    Me: Sorry for this dad, I thought that you were being real.
    So Im sorry about the gun, why dont we make a deal.
    I'll stop doing drugs, and I'll throw away my SMG
    Just as long as you never decide to do anything else like that to me
    Dad: I'm sorry son. But it has to come down to this.
    *Jay's Dad tries to stab Jay, but his arm swung to the side and missed*
    *Jay turns round and aims his gun, shoots his Dad right in the neck*
    *He falls to the floor, Jay points at his mum and says "Your Next"
    *But Jay's mum runs through the door, and Jay then starts to chase her*
    *They both run around the house like 2 F1 racers*
    *Jay then searches the bathroom, but he cant find his mother there*
    *So he walks back out the room and starts to walk down the stairs*
    *But his Mum stands at the top, and throws a baseball at his head*
    *Jay then stumbles down the stairs, and he hits the bottom...dead*
    test
  5. Penitence

    Penitence Penny.

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2003
    Messages:
    2,856
    Vember
    your homie just died from a horrific drive-by, you heard the news, and now youre sitting on your bed writing him a letter to place on his grave...



    The Flashback
    Shot's let off out of nowhere kid, I would have never thought -
    They would Find me shit, Couldn't grab quick the eagle i brought -
    Unloaded the clip, looked back and noticed you hit an-
    I heard gun's exploding, Bullet's wizzin and just missin -
    Shouldn't have dissed em', Cause you hit for my beef -
    Got me reminiscing, Ran over and got hit in the knee -
    Cops arrive at the scene, Watch those nukka's speed off -
    Gun in hand wonder how to plead, Seeing im caught -

    The Hospital
    Woke up patched and in pain, How can this be -
    My homie was slain, Im alive and was bitching -
    It's the rules of the game, You got to handle your beef -
    Fuck coming with bullets, Going straight for the family -
    They not afraid to pull it, But can they handle tactics -
    Fuck warfare it's bullshit, Im coming hard on these faggots-
    Plan out what they lackin, It's gonna be straight torture -
    Im'a get these nukka's packin, Leave em shook fa' sure -

    The Payback
    Broke in still living with his parents, Grab his father see if he care an -
    See if he darin to save the people that helped him in this world when -
    No one liked em, Because he was the bitch of his high school years -
    Looked in his face told him how it's going down, Then i seen two tears -
    I should have put it to this clown quickly, But shit's about to get twisted -
    Overdose em' on pills, So it will hopefully set for a real fucked up killin -
    Im not playing with this kid, Im headed straight for his cabnets -
    Thinkin bout how he killed my homie, I stuck it to em' and stabed him -
    Locked his mother in the attic, And threw his father in the river -
    Homie died over my beef, Put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger -

    I posted.. And when more battle's are up ima vote... Pz.


    test
  6. SamGoodY

    SamGoodY trully inspired...

    Joined:
    May 23, 2002
    Messages:
    539
    inatimates seemed more thought out i thought in terms of the story... but i think you over thought it...the story and the way it was worded, i just couldn't buy it as a rap verse... in terms of rhyme scheme both were elementary...
    pen's storyline wasn't A+ by any means either. but it was almost as good as in's, and it actually played off like a rap verse...
    it was a close one..
    vote=inatimate..
    test
  7. Den-S

    Den-S .:.The Chosen One.:.

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2003
    Messages:
    854
    vote= Penitence

    I thought he had more thought in his verse, even though it was shorter...was more descriptive and had more imagery and action, whereas Inatimate's verse was just pretty much banck-and-forth talking...neither had good vocab or multis...but Penitence gets this one fo more description and detail...
    test
  8. Nebz

    Nebz R.I.P. Point Game

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2002
    Messages:
    25,952
    Up Up and Away
    test
  9. LDogg The King

    LDogg The King The High Life

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2000
    Messages:
    16,941
    2 dif style of story here.. its late an i cant pick which i like more at the moment.. ill be back tomorrow to vote
    test
  10. Penitence

    Penitence Penny.

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2003
    Messages:
    2,856
    test
  11. Konfucius

    Konfucius Yah Boy Kon

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2002
    Messages:
    3,027
    Nice, nice.

    Inatimate - Flow was nice, verse in all was good. Concept was alright, story for it matched it. Had me lost in some parts, but all in all a nice verse.

    Pen - Very nice verse, flow was straight, concept was unique and original, kept me wanting to read, story with it just out did it too.

    Rundown:

    Inatimate had a good verse, but the whole concept could be worked on. You knew what you wanted to write but you seemed like you didnt get it all out. At points you had me lost, but everything worked out pretty well. Penitence had a very nice verse, you had a great concept, and nice little twist, like on the revenge tip then killing yourself, that was different. You could work on the flow a litte but other than that, you got some talent and potential.

    Vote - Penitence
    test
  12. Nebz

    Nebz R.I.P. Point Game

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2002
    Messages:
    25,952
    Penitence
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)