4 my material girl..

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by anonyMISSme, Mar 2, 2010.

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  1. anonyMISSme

    anonyMISSme New Member

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    you've got to show me more than cleavage you already admitted wasnt for me..

    keeps me wonderin..
    so who's it for when im the one whom adores thee
    and wants every morsel of your torso
    mind, body, and soul even when it seems you're goin' solo
    how so, when i been to your house though
    met senor and senora
    and i still wants you on my shoulder,
    closer than a gold diggin whore flaunts and sports her manolo

    sometimes you promote its a no go
    far more than you know
    you call it shit and flush it down the commode
    when im hopeful
    and phone so and so who isn't as important
    as what we got going if you ask my opinion like an asshole

    notice fast how time isn't slowing anyway
    everyday only feels like a moment
    off hand it was seconds i never took 4 thought, to ponder
    or wonder what i want though
    shocked that i never took a second look
    i was on her prompto
    because talking from my heart is a motto

    but i suppose this is the sort of convo that has me on hold.. torn..

    yes written in a fashion that's more like a flow however, this is a poem to me.. responses
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  2. mr.rip

    mr.rip New Member

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    this is fresh to death i like this whole poem
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  3. anonyMISSme

    anonyMISSme New Member

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    and once again this poem is for my material girl.. not materialistic girl.. shes my material girl cuz she knows how to tear at someones heart.. and imma speak my mind somehow right.. mmm.. a youngsta who still wants to have fun.. next time i meet someone legal enough to join me at a bar.. im gonna take her to the playground ;) or she can play video games with me.. ahh chick u aint holdin the joystick right ;P
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  4. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    I didn't like this, It was worded poorly and seems to be all over the place. I thought it had potential to be really good but just didn't seem to really take off.

    The rhymes were terrible and most didn't even rhyme. I think you should spend a little more time on writing things out and proof reading because i just couldn't get in to this...

    keep writing
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  5. anonyMISSme

    anonyMISSme New Member

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    breh, if this dont rhyme, u read it wrong.. its all over the place because its a real situ and im goin over all the reasons why i think this girl should open up to me, n the ways she turnin me off.. n rejectin me cuz she got her guard up, however.. not to defend my poetry, a lot of people like it, but i still appreciate your feedbacc, there aint enough on here n oh yeah, the shyt rhymes if u read it right, u cant miss a rhyme.. it all rhymes.. off the first line.. and if it didnt rhyme, all poetry doesnt do that anyways..
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  6. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    It seems like the only way this rhymes is if u put a huge slang on it...and anytime a read has to spend more effort trying to figure out how ur rhyming....it messes up the piece IMO
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  7. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    I can see where you're coming from with this b/c I recently went through something like this where I was the 'material' girl in this poem. Lol. This was pretty nice, this might be my first time reading a poem like this but I like it. Probably 'cause I can relate.
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  8. J o o k

    J o o k Win your battles before they’ve even been fought.

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    The mechanics were pure slops but the content was cool.
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  9. davidkohn79

    davidkohn79 New Member

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    I like: "notice fast how time isn't slowing anyway" :) nice one
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