#4 - ConVerse vs. #5 - Annihilation

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by RIKOSHAY, Feb 8, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 1999
    Messages:
    7,243
    Annihilation:


    [​IMG]



    The sky cracked like a glass floor as lightning shattered past it,
    Amassing the dead upon the shore of the battered grass strips,
    Ships masses hit by bolts as soldiers breached the Isle of Crete,
    The Greeks seeking to hand the heathen Minoan hostiles defeat,
    For the wrong god lay at their feet as their fleets encroached,
    The Minoan’s boats fighting the seas as their retreat approached,
    The preachers speak as Poseidon breathed upon the fjord,
    Sea swallowing soldiers whole leavin’ only sheathed swords,
    Blood poured from every pore as score upon score fell to Zeus,
    Reducing the Minoans crusade to subdue their Island’s misuse,
    Their armies marching upon the Temple like swarming flies,
    Swatted by an invisible hand comin’ from the harming skies,
    As harpy’s fly hellbent upon feeding on Greece’s dead foes,
    The winds carry the hoarse voices of their deceased souls,
    For grief flows from the enemy rows like a flood of guilt,
    Believin’ those of weaker faith will have their blood spilt,
    Their sword hilt’s carried by hearts unworthy of their gods,
    The onslaught could not continue under thunderous rods,
    Ripping apart the sky like clenched fists upon a piece of paper,
    Draping a golden fleece across the clouds, creasing its vapors,
    As the remainin’ Minoan priests make peace with their maker,
    Their numbers decreased as they retreat off of God’s acre,
    When suddenly the Greek’s worst enemy sets foot on land,
    The High Priest of Minoan feasts his eyes on the task at hand,
    His army a darkened soul slowly being eaten away from within,
    Plungin’ his hands into the earth his spirit seeping into his kin,
    The Greek’s forced to release their Elite Guard into battle,
    Rattlin’ swords beneath gods feet as they march like cattle,
    Chess pieces to be moved by priests, gods and kings dislikes,
    Over a piece of land n’ divergent beliefs that all ring alike,
    As Zeus attempts to strike down the High Priest from the sky,
    Earth defies him as the ground forms a cocoo.n lightning can’t pry,
    The absurdity of life all too apparent as men fight for scripture,
    Their minds dimmed at the whim of kings like light fixtures,
    The Elite Guard finally wearin’ the false deities allies down,
    Surrounding their mighty hero as they held the high ground,
    The Greek’s captain refusin’ to put the High Priest down,
    A true god among men when fools wore the crown,
    For enough blood had been shed in the name of his stead,
    He returned home the victor, upon which the king took his head…

    ===========================VS.===========================

    ConVerse:


    It’s a pity but it’s suitable one so hideously beautiful,
    Can find active solace by just sitting in his room to sulk,
    Those diminishing his putrid soul & innocence (abused and sold),
    Never stopped to think, or consider that the youth was old,
    Always timid, but assumed as whole by his parents,
    Who’s attitudes molded him into walking miscarriage,
    As if his mother balled while his casket’s carried to her,
    with lies that bloated his head to form a gassed caricature,
    There was no reprieve for being wise beyond his years,
    He’s still a child, piercing himself with the knives in all his tears,
    Silent by nature, yet loudly defined by all his fears,
    Until the day he’d decide to combine with all his peers…
    …and lift his guitar…

    [​IMG]

    And in the garage he found what would end the façade,
    A wooden-and-chord archangel that was sent from abroad,
    And through it’s power he learned of his sin to discard,
    But embraced it because it fueled each sentence he thought,
    His lyrics compelled those relating to pick at the scars,
    And to heal the past with razors woven into the gauze,
    However, he never asked to be the god of the lost,
    He’d greet the crowd and then waltzed to crush his crown & its thorns,
    The pain was the fuel making him too proud to reform,
    Heard in the shrieking angst in the sound he performed,
    Between songs he would pause & think about the garage,
    And the privatized therapy that bounced around on its walls,
    Returning to reality, he’d glare at the moshing patrons,
    And couldn’t believe he made fans of those who rocked his face in,
    The ghosts of high school caused him to mock what fame is,
    And remember the demons who fathered him when pops was vacant,
    His music was never intended to be shared to the globe,
    His music was never pretentious and was rarely condoned,
    Then he perused, the teeth of rock, lending his view,
    To witness the diamond carcasses of the men it consumed,
    He became what he hated, thinking his daily sedation,
    Would deter the warm embrace he gave to his Pagans,
    And one day in his basement he held a pen in his hand,
    To scribe a song which had a rhythm-less path,
    He finally arose from its depths with the ash,
    Of his forgotten childhood – an adolescence entrapped.
    then a smile perennially flashed,
    when a trigger would blast, to leave Kurt Cobain’s memories splashed.
    And as his blood trickled the strings in his infamy,
    he FINALLY found Nirvana in the most dismissive of symphonies.
    test
  2. I Dunnno

    I Dunnno New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2005
    Messages:
    136
    [HIDE]

    Annihil, I'm mostly impressed by your vision in this piece. It's like the narration of a book on tape kind of scheme. The vocab, flow, structure are all layed out nicely without much to miss on. The thing I wanted more of, but understand why it's not much of, is the character development, but even that was done pretty nicely which is hard in a limited space of 40 lines so I applaud that. A historical tale of mythology, the fact that it's myth leaves room for creativity instead of just laying down the basic history of it all. There lacks historical proof so it lays on the writers to translate what happened and why and that is the other thing that I thought you relayed nicely. a very poetical tongue, i wanted more flow just because I know you're capable of giving that, but this had enough to impress as I stated earlier.

    Converse, also a historical tale, but of a very different nature of course. This has a flashback sequence of a man remembering his life as he dies, which creates the perfect mood for reading it. In other words, the narration gave the story power and although it's written in the 3rd person, it's like the 3rd person is his brain that has disconnected itself from Kurt and continues to live in the fond memory of what he stood for. It wasn't really suspenseful because I didn't wonder where this was leading to, but it was surprising at the end. I didn't see that coming, which of course is also a nice gift. The flow was smooth, but it's kinda like you diagramed it for stupid people to read. lmao, if that makes sense. I think you should give more credit to you fellow writers, that's all. Great job though

    This is the tournament battle of the week and I'm still having difficulty deciding who won this. I feel I owe them a decision, but I am almost equally impressed with both of you. I apologize, but I can't come to a decision.

    Okay, Vote Converse, his idea is a bit more creative and his journey through it seem a bit more focused. I might have to just discredit myself if I find that this vote costs Annihil advancement because this is as close to a tie I've seen here

    DAMN GREAT JOB FELLAS. *ROUND OF APPLAUSE* THAT'S REAL SHIT
    [/HIDE]
    test
  3. Shogun...

    Shogun... Ghost Within the Shadows

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2006
    Messages:
    473
    [HIDE]Annihilation
    You brought it this week Anni...tight storyline with a very good vocab, It brought me back through history and dropped me at the frontlines to witness what was going on...imagery was at top form
    The flow was a bit choppy, I sometimes had to catch myself backtracking through the verse...but i did enjoy it, and if i had to give an overall rating, it would be about a 7/10 10 being OMFG!!! PURE DOPENESS!!! so good job


    ConVerse
    This was an ill verse as well, vocab wasnt AS good as Anni's, but it was present throughout...the flow was consistent, i really didnt expect this verse to flow right through with the mechanics as precise as they were
    that was dope...Kirk Cobaine???? lol i dont want to get into rating so i wont rate this verse per say...

    But my vote goes to Annihilation for having better imagery and more interesting storyline...although! If you end up winnin this one Anni, come with the DOPEST shit you'll ever do! lol cause i believe you can do better than this[/HIDE]
    test
  4. Scrolls-Oracle of Omen

    Scrolls-Oracle of Omen *DBS*--*A.B.C*

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2001
    Messages:
    13,721
    [HIDE]vote: annihilation

    anni: your story was very good. flow was good....imagery is a favorite of mine....and u use it well. nice shit....storyline kept my eyes focused on continuing to read it. nice shit...

    con: word...story was pretty good....flow was good at some points but then it just fell off....just as i would get into it...the flow just fell off for me....but some lines streamed threw greatly....not bad though man....

    nice shit guys....pz...[/HIDE]
    test
  5. ConVerse

    ConVerse ...You're My Bitch...

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 1999
    Messages:
    952
    *will edit with votes*
    test
  6. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2003
    Messages:
    458
    test
  7. TaLi RodrigueZ

    TaLi RodrigueZ Washed Up Rapper...

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2002
    Messages:
    4,546
    [hide]

    Well, I like both of you, so I’m not going to feel particularly good about contributing to one of you two getting knocked out of this tournament. But, what can I do.

    Annihilation

    I thought this flowed sick, particularly if read to a slower beat. This reminded me of some Qwel stuff in the way you combined the rhymes with the narration to create an entertaining and thick story that was neither hard nor easy to get through. In other words, it was just challenging enough to make it fun to read. Considering that there were only 40 lines to work with, this piece came across with the content of most folks 60 liners. I, unlike a few others, actually like that this wasn’t some current ‘real’ street story or some tragic love tale type stuff. I like that stuff too but I like to use my imagination once in a while as well.

    ConVerse

    I see a lot of me in you, or you in me, however you wanna put it. Probably because our writing grew side by side the past 4 years or so. If I’m making this point, you can assume I mean that in a good way because, you know, I kind of like my writing personally lol. The flow of this piece was pretty damn nice as well. The rhymes were damn good. Complex enough to make it interesting but not so much to the point where you lose meaning in what you’re saying. At first, I didn’t know precisely where you were going with this, but right around the 5th line of the second stanza, I had a feeling that I knew who you were talking about. Turned out I was right. What in the hell is it with you and Annihilation putting commas at the end of all your lines. I just noticed that lol.

    Well, like I said. This sucks. It’s great that I got to read such a great battle. It sucks that we don’t have these sorts of match ups more often and it sucks that one of you two aren’t going to be around for another one, at least in this tournament. Hell, I may not be the way things are going.

    If I just break it down piece by piece, it looks something like this.

    Rhymes – Even

    Flow – Even

    Creativity of story – Even in their own ways

    Creativity of the writing itself – I have to give a slight edge to Annihilation. Something about the way he described the story just intrigued me in a way that not a lot of writers can. It was different. I’m not really sure how to explain it any better than that

    For that reason, I think I have to give the ever so slight edge to Annihilation. I thought ConVerse had a wonderful piece. I fail to find one way that it could have been any better and he of all people knows how often that happens lol. However, I thought Annihilation matched him stride for stride and perhaps, in my opinion, had just an slightly more engaging approach to a strange topic than did ConVerse. As I read that, it sounds like a shitty reason but I can’t really attribute it to anything else. Hopefully this ends up in a tie or something lol.[/hide]
    test
  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    just checking...
    test
  9. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2005
    Messages:
    884
    [hide]I've read these verses over and over now, and its a tough call, I'm having a hard time deciding. But hey, I might as well decide now cause I gotta vote.

    Anni's description was dope, boring, but dope. Anni, you got good vocab, flow, and I like the fact that you always try to write on something of historical content, but you gotta pick your •••••s. The story just wasn't that intriging, I mean, don't get me wrong, the writing was great, the imagery, the detail, the rhymes, and point of view, ..but the story just wasn't compelling enough to back up the writing.


    Converse, dope flow, this read like a breeze, the rhymes were smoooooth. The story was also pretty tight, the lines were concise, mutlis were good, I just liked the verse from beginging to end. Not much else to say.


    Alright, like I said, this is one is tough, you both wrote great verses. I enjoyed Converse's more, but I gotta apreciate Anni's. I'ma go with Converse here, at the end of the day, I will have read Converse's verse more times then Anni's and thats what it comes down to at the end of the day.

    vote - Converse.
    test
  10. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 1999
    Messages:
    7,243
    [hide]Anni - I really like referencing mythology in my verses. However, I'm not really up on the true histories of ancient civilazations (Other than playing some games) and the tale itself just never caught my interest. The writing was very well done and it's good to see you using multies. I think the twist could've been more powerful if I cared.

    Con - I think you have the most complete package of anyone in this tourrney. Flawless combination of rhyme and flow and content. I had a feeling who it was going to be but that didn't take away from the journey. I just really enjoyed reading this.

    Vote - ConVerse[/hide]
    test
  11. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 1999
    Messages:
    7,243
    Annihilation Wins!
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)