"3 lost souls"

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by reincarnation, Nov 13, 2004.

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  1. reincarnation

    reincarnation New Member

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    It was the third day that he rose from the dead,
    feeling the level of his intensity in a motherfuckin depth.
    I lived once and had to died twice,
    ain't that nice? To see the world non-appriciated, so I left.
    Lord, I needed you as much as you love me,
    there was a plenty to see on day of my birthday, 3.
    To intensify, we deny ourselves,
    hoping one day our pains will be legendary in hells.
    I look down in my room filled with bad memories,
    it was meant to be when my reflection looked down on me.
    The dreams that I once had was prescient,
    an attitude to the world that gone deviant.

    Oh shit, lord, can you feel me?
    With all their problems they burden me, can ya heal me?
    I had 3 days to live for,
    I had no time to settle the score.
    Now, I'm here to give my love before
    this happens to the fuckin' war.
    My innate dreams were from your gift and the curse,
    My words are the given truth but i know it hurts.
    My vision were denying me
    hoping destiny would never find me.
    As the world ain't livin' kindly as it blinded me.
    It's the LOST SOUL!!!!

    Many told me that I'm noterious soul killer,
    born to live on the third as a death healer.
    I dreamed of my birth as a mistake,
    to take my eyes and let the world be awake
    from the reality that lives off fake.
    From all the love that they gave me,
    I've learned to dispate my hate
    upon those who didn't appreciate
    the life of light that you made.
    test
  2. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    woooord up

    the stuggle of a lost soul....these words hit deep yo...Cant say I fully agree with the word choice dont need all the bad words to be heard....other ways to express your rage...but I can feel ya

    each stanza seemed to be a different poem...yet on the same topic....nice twist

    you brought up 3 alot....were you trying to complete some kinda trinity with this?....interesting poem....much room for improvement

    mos def have a unique voice....just focus your thoughts more and flip those words

    Keep at it

    PEACE AND GODBLESS
    test
  3. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

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    4,076
    yea no doubt the word choice seemed like you were forcin your rhymes at times
    but your message overall was deep...

    "lord can you feel my pain"
    we all can relate to that
    shit,i know that i can
    cant speak for other people
    test
  4. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

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    Oct 28, 2004
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    11,770
    as always, i am turned off by the swearing...but that is my honesty, and the only part of the piece i didn't like. I don't want to change your style or anything, just stating my personal taste, do what you do..

    anyways, the emotion on this piece was overflowing.......

    i wanted to quote what eloquent quoted, but oh well....it was great stuff

    God Bless
    test
  5. Philly_215

    Philly_215 The Silent Poet

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    DAMN i just wrote a poem called two lost souls lol

    but this shit was hot mad twist nice read family
    test
  6. Soular Guided

    Soular Guided Soulful Dike...

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    Dec 21, 2004
    Messages:
    1,065
    Nice...

    'To intensify, we deny ourselves,
    hoping one day our pains will be legendary in hells.' -.. Im getting this tattoed across my forehead...

    Nice piece.. Peace!
    test
  7. reincarnation

    reincarnation New Member

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    thanks people...all luv..homiez
    test
  8. Madnick

    Madnick Modern Laureate

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    I agree with UFO and Eloquent on this the rhyme scheme was forced in some places but overall it was well written and nicely done.
    test
  9. Amerrorist

    Amerrorist American Terror Is..

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    May 11, 2003
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    It was the third day that he rose from the dead,
    feeling the level of his intensity in a motherfuckin depth.

    it was meant to be when my reflection looked down on me

    to take my eyes and let the world be awake

    Favorite lines.. Overall I thought the piece was amazing. You have very intriguing thoughts.
    test
  10. Voir Semage

    Voir Semage murder he wrote

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    Well like most people said already, the rhyme scheme was the only downfall of this piece. I also think the swearing could of been left out b/c it takes away from the beauty of the poems whole meaning. Maybe ~~~~e up your vocab a little bit too, but overall it was pretty good
    test
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