23. MrMister 0-0 VS 24. David Lama 0-0

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Pent uP, Aug 30, 2006.

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  1. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    [​IMG]


    RSTL RULES AND REGULATIONS

    RULES AND REGULATIONS - THERE'S SOME NEW SHIT SO CLICK AND READ


    The Standard League Rules will still be Enforced

    Due Dates

    VERSES DUE: Friday 12:00am PST/3:00am EST
    Verses posted after the deadline will not count!

    VOTES DUE Sunday: 12:00am PACIFIC/3:00 Midnight EST
    Votes posted after the deadline will not count!

    • Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.
    • Verses must incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.
    • Anyone who does not post at least 4 rap lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.
    • During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.
    • Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a “show” but will not result in a match. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent posts between 16-64, you will lose the match but you will remain in the league. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent does not show, you will “Win by no-show”.

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      anyone who does not show or vote is suspended one week and must sign-in again to be inserted the following week.



    Topics: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1006008
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  2. David Lama

    David Lama oh yea?

    Joined:
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  3. MrMister

    MrMister Urizen

    Joined:
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    ok Ima try sum else this time
    and after this battle Ima try to upgrade my writing level again
    G'luck
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  4. MrMister

    MrMister Urizen

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2003
    Messages:
    6,238
    You are a millionaire businessman with a coke addiction. Some people in your family and business are getting su••••ious.

    So what are you people trying to say
    And why am I being put on display

    George stay calm look we are all friends here
    Take it easy we just want to make this clear
    We know about your habit and you need to quit
    cause its scary shit when you wipe sperm from ya lip

    that was just one time so what are you trying to say

    George its scary because we know you aint gay

    Well I didn’t have any more pocket money
    And my credit cards were acting funny
    And I needed to get something to eat
    And it was late and across the street
    There was this hotdog vendor who was selling some meat

    George please remain in your seat
    The reason ya credit cards are acting funny is cause you maxed them out
    And getting food by sucking dick just doesn’t sound like the right route

    Fuck do you know bob your rich you don’t know hungry

    George you’re a millionaire too …you have money
    But your wife cancelled your access before shit went wrong
    After she received a call that the furniture in your office was gone

    Well my desk got on my nerves and my seat got uncomfortable

    So you sell everything which isn’t yours is that sensible
    Or what about the time you took a shit in the elevator

    I had the bubble guts sorry … I couldn’t do it any later

    George there were people in there with you

    BUBBLE GUTS BOB!!! fuck was I to do

    So what about when you robbed my kid for his lunch money

    We settled it then … that wasn’t me you dummy

    What was settled then were the police charges
    He picked you out the line up we want you to be cautious
    With your life your money and also your career

    What the fuck do you mean …. I hold my money dear
    Look Denise your really getting on my nerves with this shit

    Look George I should hit you in the face with a brick
    For doing what you did to my child

    That wasn’t me Denise so stop acting wild

    Ok George what about when I saw you on the corner
    Singing tunes with your hat up asking for a quarter

    DAMN Harry that was an experiment I told you so
    Marketing department came up with it so let it go
    I did them a favour that’s what some people do

    Ok what about when you called asking me to buy a shoe from you

    DAMN Richard you said yes so why you telling lies

    George when you brought em they weren’t even my size

    Man just take the sole out and you can wear em … easy

    GEORGE come on … they were shoes made for a baby

    Man your just too picky that’s your whole problem
    All of you stay out my business I myself will stop em

    George I’m your wife we said we’d share our life
    But right now your fucking up
    Were in a pit and were stuck
    No way out and you know what I’m talking about
    But your addiction has caused friction
    In a marriage which seemed fiction
    I have aids and I got it from you
    George I mother fucking hate you

    Huh wait are you telling me Im also infected
    Cant be all my needles are new and disinfected
    And I haven’t cheated on you so that cant be it
    But hold up wait a minute there was this dick
    I vaguely remember when I passed out somewhere
    My ass really hurt … but back then I didn’t really care
    When was that again … remember is what I must do
    Richard wasn’t it when I brought them shoes for you

    *Richard looks pale and says* I gotta go
    *George screams* oh HEEEEELL no
    I gotta stop doing crack
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  5. David Lama

    David Lama oh yea?

    Joined:
    May 19, 2005
    Messages:
    2,162
    “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
    - Andy Warhol



    People these days are blind, they’re ungrateful waste of lives
    Cause the fate of mine was to change the face of time
    But rumors say I was just tired, and now no one’s telling facts
    Like I would choose to rest, just to go to hell and back?
    So if you fell for that, you’re more than just a tad stupid
    I passed through it for a cause, the effect I had proves it
    See, tired of bearing discrimination and being told I’m weak
    I decided to hold my seat, Now I’m the chairman of a nation
    I’m Rosa Parks, known as sweet, the one we became equal through
    But don’t take my kindness for weakness, I have an ego too
    I didn’t just sit down that day, I sat on racism’s face
    And all this talk makes me irate, nothing could have taken its place
    I would leave people in the dark, but there’s a guy I know that’s bright
    His name’s Pat and he made a time machine that will show I’m right
    And help me go through these nights, once I prove people wrong
    I go inside it with fright, yet ready for moving along
    Set for whatever my quest is, I push a button in the back
    Seconds later I’m stuck in the past, like I never had pressed it
    It’s the day I didn’t give up my seat, which kind of comforts me
    But I’m still the same age, so I run to find the younger me
    While thinking I’m too late I see her on a bus line through gates
    The bus arrives late today, but there’ll be no time to waste
    Even less to focus with, but somehow I easily cope with it
    And leave her shoe laces in a knot without her noticing
    Which was not arranged, the bus comes & my clone went on her way
    She takes a couple of steps forward and falls flat on her face
    Then gets up after the bus leaves, it’s clear my aim’s done
    I use the machine to return to where I came from
    I’m back now and everything changed, stuff is getting real strange
    Pat’s house has slaves, and he’s acting crazy, his head is deranged
    I’m hiding from him, cause he has a nine and he’s coming
    My heart’s jumping, as “n!gger, n!gger” he just starts humming
    Then Pat asks for his Grey Poupon and a slave responds
    We thought there’d be change we saw, but from that this is way beyond
    The slave approaches me saying that I have to free her
    And that blacks became slaves again due to lack of leaders
    Cause Malcolm and Martin lost their following and their lives
    Shortly after I was to get on the bus and scare whites
    Then she said “we’re the worst race”, & in her voice I heard pain
    All of this reminds me why I did what I did in the first place
    When I would thirst change, It’s time for me to go back in time
    Fix things so that being black is fine, get things back in line
    So I walk in the time machine, but something gets into me
    Blood drips as I push the button, Pat gave me an injury
    I’m in the past again, only this time with a lack of wind
    And the strength I have left is from emotions packed within
    Plus soon I’m gonna die, cause Pat shot a lung of mine
    But I wont stop breathing ‘til I go back to what was of time
    Thanks to luck I’m fine, this time the plan is easy to finish
    I’ll see the me that came last time in a measly two minutes
    And that’s what happened as my seconds became even fewer
    The other me fixed things while I’m on my way to the future
    I get back and everything’s fine, except I’m about to die
    I wont be around tonight, but out of joy I’m still bound to cry
    As blood & tears drip on the floor, I smile at what others take me for
    Knowing that if people knew what I know they’d appreciate me more
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  6. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    remember kids to vote in the tag tourney...

    ill be back to vote on this in a few...
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  7. SteveThaGreat

    SteveThaGreat Zeus

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2006
    Messages:
    37
    [HIDE]aiight battle...



    MR-MR-- your piece had some comical aspects in it that held my attention, it didn't seem very realistic in some places but i guess it really didn't need to.. but it's was just a little difficult trying to picture a cracked out millionaire in an office room(or where ever they were) talking to his wife and some co-workers.. and i wasn't sure if the setting changed throughout the piece or if they were all indeed together taking turns telling him that he needs to stop what he's doing.. it was just weird.. the story wasn't really narrated very clearly in my opinion.. however, like i said it some comical moments which made it rather enjoyable even it is was a little akward to relate too... it wasn't certainly entertaining.good job.


    don king-- your verse was a little bit of the opposite, it was written very well.. but although you had the better written piece in my opinion it wasn't as entertaining or interesting.. although it was fiction the theme of your piece was illustrated more thoroughly and the ending gave purpose to what you were trying to accomplish with this piece...


    really fucking close battle but im going with lama for the better overall piece but like i said this was really close to me.[/HIDE]
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  8. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 1999
    Messages:
    5,955
    [hide]
    Ok. MrMister... lol... well, yeah, it was funny, I chuckled a few times. Alot the situations were unbelieveable but they were funny. The rhyming was weak and the flow was pretty much nonexistant, But each situation presented, was, well funny. A shit in the elevator... bubble guys...lmao, trying to sell baby shoes to an older man.. haha... yeah, it was funny.
    One thing that got on my nerves, cause I'm a prick when it comes to shit like this sometimes, is your use of "your" when it should be "you're"... Its easy to get what YOU'RE (you are) saying even when you make the mistake, it still annoys me..haha, anyway... nothing very good to say the least, but it was funny..

    ---
    David Lama
    This piece was better by far, the story was interesting, though not particularly executed well due to some of the rhyming, but you had multies, and the story was original, and the message was good. I have to say there isnt too much else I can say, except for good job, you did well enough to beat your opponent, and you can rhyme pretty well, which I always appreciate it. Overall this was a pretty one-sided match up.

    Vote: David Lama

    Peace.
    [/hide]
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  9. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
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    MrMister:

    Ehh, wasn't really feeling it man. I had a hard time getting in it. The rhyming was simple, no vocab, and I don't think you really pulled off the conversation aspect very well. I will say I chuckled at the ending though, just wasn't really the type of piece you see in this league, and wasn't really the type of piece I get into.

    David Lama

    I thought you did a great job with your verse. I'll admit I thought it was kind of cheesy when you talked about a time machine and all, but I guess it's not as crazy as some of the stuff written about in the league. Anyways, the structure was good and the rhyme scheme was good, overall just a really solid piece. More than enough to take the victory here.

    Vote - David Lama

    [/hide]
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  10. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    My bad Pent, the rule hadn't been posted so I can't have you enforcing a rule that we both know is a rule, but isn't in the rules stickied in the league.

    IV, in the future, if you see an issue that needs fixing in the league, tell a mod. That's all you need to do. Your vote will count, but the rule is not posted and there's already a free posting rule, which means.... don't post in matches unless you're voting. That's the only reason for anyone outside of the mods to be posting in other member's matches.

    Votes are hidden for a reason and regulated with this rule.

    This was my bad so blame me for not having the rule posted to enforce.
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  11. David Lama

    David Lama oh yea?

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,162
    thanks for the votes guys. keep them coming.
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  12. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
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    Edited by Dic...... anybody including IV edits this post afterwards and they will be penalized.

    First off nilget, let me tell your punk ass that you don't run a mothafuckin thing here bitch. THAT'S MY FUCKIN JOB SO SHUT THE FUCK UP IN THE MATCHES PERIOD. CAST UR FUCKIN VOTES AND THAT'S ALL YOUR ASS IS PERMITED TO DO IN HERE. Get a fuckin grip and learn how to show up matches when you sign in the league. Don't worry about regulating shit. I run shit here and I call policies.... you don't work for me so shut the fuck up


    ANY ADDITIONAL POSTS ANYWHERE IN MATCHES OF THIS LEAGUE WILL COST YOU VOTES. DON'T TELL MY MODS SHIT PUNK ASS, THEY'RE WORKING ME THE LEAGUE AND FOR ME....



    [hide]

    Mrmister- your verse was ok... it was hard for it to keep my attention in some parts because of the craziness of it, and shit, a millionaire has enough people and weapons to not be put in that type of situation unless he was a complete idiot, and the whole park thang was unbvelieveable, the aids thing and everything was ok, but still its not just about how believeable the situation is, its about how blieveable it would sound if the situation really happened, u feel me?... by the way... i cant see people acting that way on coke cuz ive seen people on it... lol...

    david lama, a good verse however... martin luther king and malcolm x were ALIVE when rosa parks sat on the bus that day... through rosa, martin became famous... with that said... i liked your piece a little bit more cuz the plotline, especially the initial part of the plot kept me interested in what i was reading, in the middle it seemed like u were adding in some filler to make the piece longert, but after that the story came back into focus...

    vote David lama... the plot ine held my attention better than the other piece...[/hide]
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  13. MrMister

    MrMister Urizen

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    6,238
    [HIDE]its ok if I lose this one
    I just wanted to try sum funny for a change

    and lama next time Ill give you a real piece[/HIDE]
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  14. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,962
    [HIDE]
    Urizen, this is some of the best writing, I've seen from you. I can see this was an intervention of a fool in denial to his crack addiction. The way you narrated this was comical and had me lol a few times and you continued to be entertaining. The flow was also batter than I'm used to seeing from you and had a few moments with multies, big improvement man and I'm liking the growth. The conversation theme in a verse can be hard to do well and you accomplished that as well. It wasn't clear that the addict was talking to more than 1 person at first, but it became clear and you did that nicely. I liked this man, keep it up.

    David Lama, this was pretty nice man. The narration of being rosa parks was pretty cool, but the scenario you came up with was a tight foundation to work from. The time machine, going back and changing the future so the black revolutions didn't happen the way things should've was an interesting take. To add getting shot and dieing while trying to fix things again by rosa parks warning herself in the future was weird and kinda comical, but a cool theory and displayed well. Your flow gave your piece a lil better to read through. Welcome to the league man. Good shit

    Close battle and good pieces by both. Nice to see good matches like this. Think I gotta go with

    Vote David Lama, flow and the concept displayed over comedy and dialogue.... pretty close.... Lama edges it out barely I think

    [/HIDE]
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  15. Adderall XR 30

    Adderall XR 30 New Member

    Joined:
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    80
    [hide]

    My vote has to go with David Lama on this one. First off, I'm amazed, but happy you actually showed up lol. Now that THAT is out of the way. Mr, I had a little trouble with your piece. I'm honestly not sure whether it was meant to be funny or meant to be serious. If it was meant solely as a comedy, I didn't think there was enough funny it it. If it was meant to be serious, there wasn't enough serious in it. Granted, some of the things that the guy was doing are the sorts of things fiends do, but it went so far over the top that it's hardly believable and the twist at the end just added to that sentiment. The rhymes were ok, though nothing mindblowing. I just wish I had more of an idea what you were trying to do with this. It reminds me of the Chapelle skit where Tyrone is brought into an intervention, just not quite as funny. Mr. Lama, this was a pretty solid showing for you. The rhymes showed some skill. The flow seemed pretty smooth overall. I like the idea of going back in time and seeing what would happen if certain things had changed although, as a whole, I got a little bit disillusioned by it towards the end just because there were so many things to keep up with by that point. But like I said, overall, I enjoyed the effort.[/hide]
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  16. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    13,681
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    Mr...so I mean, this was kind of sort of amusing, but lets be serious...a millionaire doin blow would never be extended to something like this...you gave the attributes of a straight up crackhead and introduced it to a completely unrealistic environment...on top of that the breaks annoyed the hell out of me...I wasn't a fan of this piece...

    David...honestly...I think this piece was a little ignorant and Rosa Parks would be turning in her grave had she seen it...the flow was stretched out...the scheme was really nothing special...and I think you had a good idea and turned it to shit...

    it's a tough call here because I didn't like either verse...i'll give my vote to DL though because he had a piece easier on the eyes...
    [/hide]
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  17. MrMister

    MrMister Urizen

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  18. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

    Joined:
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    minister - The topic was creative but the writing was bad, well it wasn't bad but the rhyming was very weak and it seemed rush, plus the verse had bad structure and hard to take in. The story was aiight, and you got your own style but I just didn't like this verse that much.

    Daivd Lama- What's up Allah, that verse was really solid, from the rhyming to the story, it was original too and it wasn't that far fetched. I thought you needed to go more in depth but the verse had enough story. The writing wasn't forced or anything, and you really wrote to the topic really well. Alot of kids used that quote but I think this verse is the that really represented the quote.


    I think Lama took this match pretty easily,

    vote - Daivd Lama[/hide]
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  19. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Joined:
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    urizen

    this was pretty good, enjoyable read, i like the rationalization it was fun but pretty one dimensional for 90% of the verse, the ending was pretty damn funny i got a good laugh out of it, formatting could have made it a little better, fun, decently written and over all good entertainment, but nothing too deep.

    dl:

    okay, this in terms of writing and structure are pretty solid, and the development are all nicely done, however nothing really impressed upon me; the flow and scheme were decent, but nothing impressive, the story's plausability (and not in the time-travel/sci-fi sense, which is something i enjoy) in terms of slavery returning because rosa parks wasnt on that bus was absurd and pat's portrayal afterwards was off, I couldn't get passed it, I felt like the story tried to make a point but really didn't in terms of appreciation of her, and there wasnt any redeeming features past the content in terms of really lucid imagery or wordplay, so in the end it was more going thru the motions reading this than being sucked in and enjoying it. well-written though, looking forward to seeing what u do next week.

    so yea, enjoyed urizen's alot.

    Vote: Urizen
    [/hide]
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  20. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    [hide] Mista Mista, mista jones! -- "Or what about the time you took a shit in the elevator

    I had the bubble guts sorry … I couldn’t do it any later

    George there were people in there with you

    BUBBLE GUTS BOB!!! fuck was I to do " ROFLMAO, hahahahaahahhahh word, some shit

    rofl, this verse was pretty humerous man, I mean, I really liekd it in comparision to what i've been seeing from you lately, the key term is your flow, it didnt read abruptly like most of your work, however you still have instances where you rhyming is forced like 'easy' rhymed with 'baby' i mean YES, they both end in the E sound but NO they don't really rhyme, u know what I mean?You have to base it on pronounciations and accents. The Cautious/Charges rhyme for example are the best rhyme words i've seen from you to memory. The story itself was alright, I see the cokehead character develop as he's seemingly more and more fiendish. However you didnt develop on the catching on as much, the thing I REALLY didnt like about this verse is, a MULTIMILLIONAIRE wouldnt be going through this
    a cokeheaded multimillionaire (one who was successful and then started doing coke) would have been way too assertive with his money to have hsi wife block his cards, he wouldve gone home and shanked the bitch, thats HIS money; now if his wife is the rich one and hes living off her that is something you should've developed; smell me?
    Overall i liked it, Just work on those rhymes.

    David Lamer -- 'the fate of mine'*second line is a very forced string of words.....PSSH
    then the lines where you reveal you're rosa parks you end one with "effect on a nation" and the line after that u dont even rhyme with that, u have ur rhyme midbar, which makes it horrible on my reading...wtf foo? as a matter of fact having read this entirely now im somewhat dissapointed....the lines were stretched, the rhyming was, for the most part, horrible (at least compared to that chess verse) and the shit u said was worded with no pizzaz or flavor. THE ONLY reason I didnt put my head down right after my first 2 complaints is because with a topic that powerful I wanted to see where you'd go. and i admit the idea was cool but BY NO MEANS did you entertain or surprise me. You lacked the imagery when she came back after having made racism ok again, and I dont see where she got shot, it was just 'oh yeah; ps; there's a bullet in my lung' like w-t-f? there just so many inconsistencies in this verse that i dont wanna spend an hour writing them out, u know the SN if ur curious but overall im very dissapointed in you david.

    So this is how it comes down to me -- I ENJOYED MrMisters verse alot more, it made me laugh and smile and I like it when ppl defile crack/cokeheads, so woohoo, and e••••ially in comparision to his usual work it read smooth as hell. On the other hand David wrote the exact opposite (also) of his parred work (from what i've seen) and I'm not trying to say "you didnt writer better than u usually do u dont win" But there was nothing I liked about your verse except the idea, therefore

    vote MrMister[/hide]
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