17. TheReturn 11-2 v. 18. Pain 3-1 (Vote Now!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Got Life?, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    [​IMG]

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  2. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    test
  3. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    .
    "DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND"​



    Poker room at the Taj, I was new to the spot,
    Stacking the few chips I got left after losing alot.
    Face in my palms,
    When the seat next to me filled up with a beautiful broad.
    I told her I couldn't buy a break, as I tried to think
    Of the last chick THIS hot that my eyes had seen.
    Smoothly she replied, "Then just buy us drinks."
    And I smiled,
    That sounded fine to me.
    The cards were dealt,
    Didn't match, off suited, and hardly swell
    But I bet anyways, figured that I might as well,
    As I glanced at the girl
    Trying to see if she liked her hand, but it was hard to tell.
    "Any luck?" I asked, but her eyes hushed me
    Long before she reminded me there was no such thing.
    I was stuck, completely at a loss for words
    And didn't notice the flop because I was lost in her.
    But she was not deterred
    And bet high, trying to buy the pot before we saw the turn.
    Now...I'm not often stirred but this broad, I'd learned,
    Knew that to call would take the balls she yearned.
    So I threw in my chips as soon as she tossed in hers
    And we stared at eachother
    Waiting 'til the next card was turned.
    Seven of hearts, fuck, that didn't help me a lick
    But the look on my face wasn't telling her shit
    As she brushed the felt with her chip,
    So seductive,
    Like the swell of her lips
    As she whispered "All in"
    Ironically, the same thing she would later tell to my dick.
    But right now that was not of interest
    Everything I knew was against putting all my chips in
    While the voices in my head said she loved the competition
    And that I'd have to keep playing to win this foxy vixen.
    So I fought regret, quickly called the bet,
    And momentarily wondered how I'd gotten into all this mess.
    We were just two people
    Stuck playing poker in a game of hard to get.
    Where if I lost, I'd be paying off my pockets' debt
    For the next year and half with my jobs and checks.
    She glanced at the door, then her eyes steadied on me.
    Couldn't tell if she was mad at the cards or just ready to leave,
    Ready to see
    If she could get me to her room and get the best of my jeans.
    I showed my hand, she didn't even have to peek
    Cause she knew how this story would end back in chapter three.
    Shot me a wink, then quickly grabbed her drink
    And flashed the key to her room, which is all I had to see.

    She turned over her cards and we looked at eachother,
    Did she have me beat? I don't know...
    Doesn't matter, we were hooked on eachother.





    [​IMG]


    .
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  4. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    I experimented with my flow a little bit, it's smooth as long as you can find, it was just hard to split the lines into bars, so if you can't find it's completely understandable, but trust me, it's there.

    [​IMG]

    That child I was, that innocent smile,
    All those fun times in the sunshine will linger a while,
    But I see the snow fall from the clouds,
    I hear the moans calling me now,
    Clear as coke, I peer and note the cold, the halls of my house
    keep callin' me, sayin' "Always leave,"
    The fabric of this life had a faulty weave,
    So I feel twice as cold in the salty breeze,
    I never really grew, nah it stunted my growth,
    Cold bones frozen, still stuck in the snow,
    I went from misfit, to wishin' I could go back to
    the times when this picture wasn't so damn blue,
    Mind old, body young, a pyro with shotty lungs
    tryin' to breath in the icicle breezes,
    Cryin', "I need friends!" I feel the twistin',
    Got lost in this prison through the frost in my system,
    The cost of my livin', it's my cross the bear,
    But the crucifiers got lost somewhere,
    It seems so clear now, it seems so true,
    That everyone was right when it came to what I need to do,
    Now that bleeding wound is seething through my scenic view,
    So I seek a new path, creeks of blue,
    Instead of frozen over oceans full of dreams that grew black,
    I need to do that,
    Relax, grow, bring that youth back
    from the dead, sing a new track,
    Cuz the old ones formed into scars I hate,
    From the times I designed those retarded ways,
    At stars I gaze, hearts might break, start to change,
    Every little thing those scars have made,
    I'm too old for adolescence, gotta grow sometime,
    Those fun times in the sunshine stop and slow,
    Yea, the sun was shinin', I had fun resignin',
    But the days were still cold, and the young were diein',
    The disease had started in the west now it's marchin' to the rest
    of the nation, put a target on your chest,

    I had a bullseye on mine, now I'm sort of gone,
    Growin' up in Portland, Oregon,
    Had to sort my thoughts, it's difficult when,
    You hafta change your life and start siftin' through friends,
    But I realized that when I hit the end,
    I didn't want it to be because of Crystal Meth,
    I once wished for death, with a chain on my ankle,
    Now I wish for breathe, and I've switched the rest,
    Withdrawal is a mother fucker, changes are painful,
    But the alternative is resting forever with angels,
    And I got stuff to do,
    Instead of sittin' with a lighter and that fuckin' spoon
    ,
    So I'ma break that vice, I'ma move on now,
    The taste of ice became too darn proud,
    I'm sick of being looked at as a wasted life,
    I'm sick of being two bars down from the greatest nights,
    I'm ready to grow, ready to move on,
    That youth got lost, but I steadily grew strong,
    Strong enough to rise after a fall from grace,
    Strong enough to finally break that ball and chain,
    So this scene of winter, every hint of blue,
    Will be melted like that ice as I begin anew
    ....​
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  5. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    well I never predicted this to be as close as this ..

    Return - mechanically this was up to usual high standards .. the story was predictable as even I thought of doing something similar .. < in relation to the image .. however .. I didn't think this piece had the TR majesty seen within the writing of recent pieces .. this felt like something you threw together on the fly .. the repitive feel of you describing the scenario didn't spark and began to drag toward the end .. I enjoyed reading it and it certainly has a 'charm' but when breaking it down I feel there were negatives that aren't usually there ..

    Pain - I'm not sure if you're just using the rstl for some self relief or you feel people should read about your torment each week .. the content of recent pieces has been of a similar ilk .. saying that .. this week I feel you've presented it in the best structure and tone yet .. someone said your verse last week was your best .. I think you topped that this week .. as I connected with your character and dilema .. presented your piece well and it read smoothly ..

    Vote = Pain .. I enjoyed this verse even though the mood was one of depressive nature .. I think the passion and energy placed in to the content is what won this one for me .. both were similar in structure although Return's made for smoother reading .. but there simply isn't enough wrong with Pain's flow to pick up as a negative .. good battle to start the week off ..
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  6. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
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    tr:
    i like these type of pieces that centers around a clearly defined theme, in this case a game of texas hold'em, and that fuses that theme with all kinds of symbolicism and metaphorical ambiguity

    your mechanics were not restrained by a conventional rhyme scheme and allowed for a natural wording coupled with a sharp flow

    overall i liked the pinpoint precision of this piece, balancing essence and form

    pain:
    i like how you blend the mental picture of snow with different slang terms for different drugs and the contrast between the purity of a child and the mindset of a drug addict... it creates a very vivid imagery

    you didn't have to put up that little disclaimer as this was a mechanically very well-rounded piece (tight short bars that could be read to fit alot of beats)


    overall:

    there is no clear-cut winner in this match-up for me, as both presented their concepts with a strong writer's voice and drew me in with quality writing... however i won't vote a tie, since that is pretty counter-productive...

    to me, the return had the tightest composition here - the piece with the most natural development, so i will go on that

    vote: TheReturn

    quality battle here, props fellas
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  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    TR - when I read this piece from you I knew you left the table open...the imagery was there and the writers voice was really strong with a good sense of mechanics and a good flow, but like your bboy piece, it was just lacking that fire...that powerful emotion that your best pieces posses.

    Pain - To me this wasn't the smoothest read I've read from you, but this was some really powerful writing as far as writers voice and emotion goes. The imagery was definitely there although I don't know why you underlined certain things, that was a little annoying to me, but other then that...I really enjoyed it...the tone was set perfectly and the piece definitely carried out it's somber melody.

    vote = Pain for the stronger connection to the emotion in his piece.
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  8. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    thereturn, there were great things about this verse and then there were not so great things, for instance the reptition of AS within like 4 lines towards the middle was a bit distracting but never really hurt the story, the title wasnt fitting either, but the flow was solidly done with maybe 2 instances were i think i could have tweaked it but very minimal and opionated either way so this failed to lessen the impact as well, overall i enjoyed the quick progression and vivid imagery along with a fluidlike flow, the middle portion was very good with the felt and good use of relative words incorporated within the flow instead of just words to complete the rhyme pattern, i thoroughly enjoyed this however the biggest upset of the story was its predictability factor, very cliche and very predictable especially when it was publicized which picture that you used long before i had actually read the verse, but it still played out nicely and was a refreshing read, very realistic in nature and relatable to every day life (for bachelor's of course)

    pain, the flow was clear cut and precise although the actual read was still a bit rocky, a lot of short quick bars and inner rhyming patterns which made for a choppy storyline and somewhat lessened the overall impact, still this was a solidly written piece with good metaphors and whatnot but the connectivity was scattered throughout the intricate rhyming pattern which you chose and i sort of lost touch by the end, i enjoyed the read and then at the same time i felt it needed something a little more, maybe a break between every so amount of bars or a chorus or something to renew the mind while reading but as is it was just a bunch of long run on sentences, again the flow was good and notable as was the imagery and descriptions but the actual emotion didnt come off as genuine to me due to the unnatural rhythmic patterns, it just seemed overpowering to me, still a very well put together piece and very entertaining

    vote - thereturn, very tough decision as both offered some sort of enjoyment for me, on one end you have the pureness of thereturn's verse which was very realistic and mechanically sound, a cut throat story delivered exceptionally well with a fitting ending, on the other hand you have pain who stepped outside of the box with another great flow and some good descriptions and emotion but the connectivity was weaker to me only because much of the emotion was lost in the quick rhyme scheme and execution of the verse, either could win here as both fell short of producing something spellbounding or creatively strong, but were conceptually played and yet both delivered well here, the only other thing for me was how much i connected to the story and i was drawn into TR's with smooth descriptions and seemlessly flow whereas pain's flow was smooth and yet distorted the image of the overall plot

    good battle though fellas, i think this'll go down to the wire
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  9. DeadKing

    DeadKing The Perfect Method

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    the return - decent verse, i think you were capable of dropping alot better but we shall see after i read pain if this was enough. your story was good, but i think the thing that hurt your verse was the choppy flow, it seemed very on point then at times i dont know if it was teh way i was reading it or what but it seemed to almost disappear fora line or two at times

    pain - decent verse as well. your story didtn appeal to me as much as pain, actually i just wasnt intrigued by it as much. i got your flow, but your flow was still choppy in my opinion, i think the same thing that hurt the return hurt you as well.

    both of you dropped pretty good verses, but they could of been so much better, i think metasin could of polished his more, and pain could of made his more appealing to teh reader than what it was, with that.......



    vote - teh return....


    i expect to see you both full swing next week, this is another match that could go either way
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  10. MrMister

    MrMister Urizen

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    Return - nice piece, I liked how the story flowed but what I didnt like was the flow itself. It wasnt much of a story just 2 people who are about to fuck and met up at a card game. You did it nicely Ill have to admit that much but I just didnt like the emptiness of the story itself

    Pain - you came real nice, I liked how you used the pic and how you twisted the story. I also liked you kinda went back and forth with the story and then ended up with the old dude.

    pretty nice match but I feel pain just took this one. His piece had more emotion in it and to my opinion more story in it.
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  11. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Kinda makes up for round one, eh? Nice verse, buddy.
    test
  12. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    up over no-shows
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  13. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    Tr:
    Um this started off so strong, all the poker references and the sexual innuendoes where a strong piece of this verse. Sometimes the flow was sweet, on point with fine descriptive wording making for a hint of humour which kept me with a desire to read on.. Ok so all is good then to me the end was hella lame n I respect your writing fully but with some puppy love/ true love bullshit really didn’t hit home for me.. Maybe just cause im cynical on the whole ordeal or maybe its cause the majority of the time his focus was on the cards n she was just a sideline event.. so then its like when she flips her cards over if his not looking cause she flashed her keys.. the end Picture topic should have read SEX not LOVE.. A little annoying but all is good maybe through your experiences that’s how it comes off but im like MEH at the whole thing.. Ona side note I still respect your writing.. G/L

    Pain:
    How I took this verse was that the pic was of his inner child edging towards ice.. Really well done you’ve stepped up fierce as a writer, flow, vocab and your story telling abilities – though saying that you already had a strong story telling ability.. There was a few spelling errors which threw me but I could keep on cruising past.. All in all a top verse Pain keep it up dude.

    Vote: Pain

    I think this really was a personal feeling on this one – not to say I sway to the darker verse I just think a LOVE verse has to be treated with a precise selection of words through out the whole verse..

    Anywhoot good match up guys
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  14. SpeedyCalhoun

    SpeedyCalhoun Obviously...

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    TR:
    I predicted this match on the verses you two have in the past that I liked. Therefore, I thought you would take this one easily. The verse wasn't your best, but I love how you used the pic as a prop and a topic (if that make sense). The flow was cool, and it seemed to have a couple of forced lines, but nothing to drastically change my opinion.

    Pain:
    Like I said above, I based this one past RSTL verses. I haven't been much of a fan of you in that respect. However, this week, there is no denying your verse. The beginning was pretty standard as far as flow goes, then I started to see what you pointed out in the beginning. Basically, long story short: You didn't even need to explain. The verse was great my dude. I seriously had NO idea that meth was the topic, until you started to mention it. I like a twist such as, they don't have to be elaborate plot twist, but a subtle change in tone like that.

    Therefore...

    V~Pain

    Good shit fellas...
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  15. Infinite Truth

    Infinite Truth ...scatterboxx rocks.

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    DAMN.


    wow.


    both verses were fire.
    breakdown:

    return... loved your piece man. story was enticing, rhyme scheme was tight, flow was easy to catch, content was strong, concept was tight, ending was dope as fuck. not much i really didn't like about it... some lines seemed to be filler. & well... that threw me off.

    pain... wow. nice... loved the flow. i think i got it the way you intended. rhyme scheme was on point. some craaaazy nice lines. the ending was dope as fuck. very different & hard to compare to return's, but there was something about it i like a little more. poetics were nicer, a tinnnnyyyy bit nicer than return's. both were unusually tight for the rstl. which was cool. loved this line:
    I'm sick of being two bars down from the greatest nights

    damn.

    i don't even know.

    i gotta give it to pain.

    just a tad bit stronger... it's mainly the amount of what seemed to me to be semi-filler return unfortunately had. it was good filler. great filler... but filler nonetheless.

    excellent battle.

    & finally, a double enjoyable read.
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  16. .ApoGee.

    .ApoGee. Keep The Peace.

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    First read. The concept was cool, pretty predictable but it was good nonetheless. I like your approach to the concept, pretty straight foward. The Mechanics was dope to say the least, The wording was good, your flow and scheme made the piece very easy to read. Off the tongue. The best aspect of your piece was def the story-telling.

    Second Read. With the picture and the concept you had, it was pretty dope. The approach toward the Topic was dope nonetheless, I like your transaction. The mechanics was the bomb, I like your Imagery toward crystal myth and the emotion you had the character feeling to grow.

    V/ Pain..Overall better and enjoyable.
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  17. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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  18. GodLooksUpToMe

    GodLooksUpToMe You do too

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    good match

    TR
    ur verse was good and str8 forward. i loved the ending line nonetheless. ur flow is always on point cuz u dont use a strong vocab. u keep it simple and enjoyable. ive read better from u though so thats y i was kinda let down. im starting 2 think u just dont care anymore. 7/10

    pain
    ur flow was hard 2 catch but i read it a couple times and picked up on it. it was still on and off but im always a sucker for emtion and u had plenty of it in this verse. TR's verse was entertaining but yours was captivating. u fit the pic in nicelywith the finisher. overall 8/10

    v- pain
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  19. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Pain wins 8 to 3.
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