15. TheReturn 0-0 VS 16. disused hero 0-0

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Pent uP, Aug 28, 2006.

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  1. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    [​IMG]


    RSTL RULES AND REGULATIONS

    RULES AND REGULATIONS - THERE'S SOME NEW SHIT SO CLICK AND READ


    The Standard League Rules will still be Enforced

    Due Dates

    VERSES DUE: Friday 12:00am PST/3:00am EST
    Verses posted after the deadline will not count!

    VOTES DUE Sunday: 12:00am PACIFIC/3:00 Midnight EST
    Votes posted after the deadline will not count!

    • Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.
    • Verses must incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.
    • Anyone who does not post at least 4 rap lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.
    • During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.
    • Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a “show” but will not result in a match. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent posts between 16-64, you will lose the match but you will remain in the league. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent does not show, you will “Win by no-show”.

    Voting:
    • If you do not show you can still vote and post the links in your match to receive full voting points. In addition, if you do not show, yet vote on at least 4 matches (Or, every match available, should there be less than 4 matches to vote on) you will remain in the league.
    • Votes must be hidden! To hide a vote, first thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. The last thing you type in your reply is a bracket “[“, a backslash “/”, the word “hide” and end bracket “]”. Unhidden votes will not count towards the match or towards your vote requirements.
    • No second chance votes! If your vote has been edited, even it was only to hide it, your vote will not count towards the match or towards your vote requirements.
    • No bias votes! If you have a personal investment in wanting someone to lose, whether because that member voted against you once, or you just don’t like that person, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match. If have a personal investment in wanting someone to win, whether because they’re crew member, or because you want to face that person in the next week’s brackets, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match.
    • ”Bias” must be confirmed by a Moderator.
    • If there is a match which you will not be able to vote on, due to “Bias” of any type, state so within your match prior to Verses Due Deadline. If this reduces the number of matches available for you to vote on to the point where you are unable to vote on at least 4 matches, the point scale will be adjusted according to how many matches you do vote on.
    • 3-ways are inevitable. In order to provide a tie-breaker in a 3-way, you are now required to indicate in what order the contestants finished (1st, 2nd, 3rd).
      anyone who does not show or vote is suspended one week and must sign-in again to be inserted the following week.



    Topics: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1006008
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  2. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
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  3. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
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    6,893
    Bah, fuck it. I don't care if you show or not, I don't want to post a no show verse.​


    TOPIC: THROUGH DEATH YOU SEE LIFE​



    A king proclaimed, poised atop his frozen throne
    Watching a battlefield unfold from his motionless home.
    He sits alone, prisoner to his own solitary confinement,
    Shouting at drones fighting to fulfill his assignment.
    Wining and dining, cowardly sitting in a single square
    Until an enemy rushes in, forcing him to flee in terror...

    A sight of beauty, the queen freely roaming the kingdom.
    Once a trophy unbetrothed, taken from her home and beaten,
    Forced to marry a man, without having known or seen him.
    And her only freedom, comes when she chose to leave him
    To scour the battlefield hoping to oppose the heathens.
    But the king knows his reaches, he wants her by his side
    But he sees it in her eyes, knows that she hopes to leave him.
    But in death, is the only time we see her throne depleted.

    A bishop stands with hands folded, awaiting his due homage
    He looks left or right, cause the straight road is too common.
    Supposedly a people's man, but the church is collapsing,
    It's caving in under poverty, but it hurts to stop taxing.
    And searching for a truth, merely a pawn can touch it proudly,
    With truth straight ahead, a bishop can only linger around it.
    So he's forced to search for eternal truth and let go his fears,
    And die for a cause, earning honor next to his lower peers.

    And the glorious knight, champion of the open land
    Riding a swift steed, moving agile where opponent's stand.
    Admirer of swords, as he awaits battle with his own in hand.
    And when the stone is cast, the power is unlocked at last,
    Moving in leaps and bounds, no piece alone can block his path.
    But if he's knocked aback, and forced into tight quarters
    "Kill what you can before you go" is the last of the knight's orders.
    A sacrifice for the kingdom, honored among life's mourners.

    The rook, the castle walls stay strong and hold the corners,
    The last line of defense before the kingdom folds to foreigners.
    Some pose the argument that the rook is the king's favorite,
    Knights have betrayed him, and the queen's old and faceless
    But these castle walls haven't fallen, much to the king's amazement.
    Staying straight, his walls are the saving grace at every day's end.

    The pawn, potentially the most powerful piece of all,
    Always keeping calm, and being strong when the peace is gone.
    He evades inept, by taking baby steps to avoid an easy fall,
    He sees the squall, a storm chaser whenever war's season dawns.
    Often overlooked, even a civilian mistaken for a fighting man
    Every time he stands, he fights with his mind in hand.
    The pawn takes advantage at whatever time he can,
    Unafraid of death if it brings happiness to his life again.
    A pawn's sacrifice can help bring the knife to a king.
    But more importantly, his death can mean the life of a queen...

    Allow your thoughts to race, as the blood of these fallen soldiers
    But this battle's long over, for all the pawns have gone to waste,
    The queen has lost her loyalty, and the bishop has lost his faith,
    The knight will fall in battle, and the walls will fall in place,
    Leaving the king standing, horrified with his life in check.
    While the others rest in peace, for they've found life in death.


    Checkmate.



    .
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  4. disused hero

    disused hero rain rusted.

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2006
    Messages:
    65
    sweet tears.

    she danced alone, typically she'd dance at home
    lights low, eyes closed, sweet blues in her headphones
    lest those demons in her head grow
    got her breath slow, it's keeping her depressed though
    she'll undress slow, peeeling cloth off of flesh
    freeing her sallow skin from the moss of her dress
    mould clasping the cross on her chest, to soften whats left
    of the skin carressing ribs, when the coughing does stress
    her lungs, hung loosely, clutching the support brace
    her arms, hung loosely, clutching for the same place
    caught foetel in this strange place, lights and grandeur
    ballroom gowns seem to glitter in the eyes of strangers
    but she looks duller when seen from tighter angles
    brushing her hair with a mirror, her hair limp, it dangles
    with a face like lightning strangled, she likens angels
    to frightened thank yous and backwards blank truths
    blackened ankles only hold up a weak frame
    and as each day progresses, she's forgetting her priests name
    confessions of light pains, the dark bringing cheap shame
    her past wringing the petite frame, singing a thiefs grace
    praying to god, leaving her with wrist aches, as her fist shakes
    in this day and age, her mistakes, were someone elses risk takes
    his gift slakes her thirst for a mere second or two
    looking at broken stars for what some reckon is truth
    so now she's checking into a place where they know her name
    the pills hit her frozen frame, in hope of sober gains
    the medicine reacts slow in veins, so she shows her face
    in hopes that traces of blood in her lipstick will slow their pace
    to a standstill and hold her arms while she bleeds still
    she can't even find a clean vein for the needle
    it seemed strange to me still, watching through broken stars
    hopeless shards, her life centre stage, she's playing a token part
    floating past the pain and the misery, straining for victory
    she tickles arteries with blades, blaming the sickness, feeds
    off her happiness, dementia mind games, i told her to meet here
    as the blood runs off her into the bath like sweet tears.

    x
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  5. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 1999
    Messages:
    5,955
    [hide]
    Alright, well, damn, this was a very impressive battle.
    TheReturn.... very nice piece.
    "A pawn's sacrifice can help bring the knife to a king.
    But more importantly, his death can mean the life of a queen..."

    That part right there, of all the lines stole the show. Anyway, backtracking a little.
    At first, I was reminded of a video game called Warcraft 3, the frozen throne, and giving orders to soldiers, and[i sitting in a single square. All quite similar to the game, which gave me a huge image to feed off of while reading your piece. But shortly after that I realized the true essence of the piece, obviously being the story of a chess game. The breakdowns of each piece on the board were very good. My favorite being the Queen and Pawn. The story you created around the Queen having to leave the king to fight etc etc. Yeah, very creative. And as I stated with those two lines I mentioned, the pawn. Not only was the piece an interesting read, it rhymed really well. The rhyming was important here, because like rhyming should do, it kept me glued to the story, allowing the actual concept to sink in, not that it was too complex of a concept, but it was executed masterfully. The only complaint I have is the flow, alot of it seems stretched and unflowable to my emcee brain. Perhaps I'm just not reading it how it should be read and recited over a beat, either way, as a written piece, I thought it was excellent.

    -------
    disused hero: Another excellent piece, short but effectively short, flow was above average and the rhyming, although at some points repetitive (perhaps intentionally), was very good as well. Once again the rhyming kept me intrigued and the allowed the flow to be simple to read through. After reading it again just now though I do feel the repetitive rhyming was intentional in most of the parts, and important to the piece's strength. The images were impressive as well.
    "caught foetel in this strange place, lights and grandeur
    ballroom gowns seem to glitter in the eyes of strangers
    but she looks duller when seen from tighter angles
    brushing her hair with a mirror, her hair limp, it dangles
    with a face like lightning strangled, she likens angels
    to frightened thank yous and backwards blank truths"


    and

    "blackened ankles only hold up a weak frame
    and as each day progresses, she's forgetting her priests name
    confessions of light pains, the dark bringing cheap shame
    her past wringing the petite frame, singing a thiefs grace
    praying to god, leaving her with wrist aches, as her fist shakes
    in this day and age, her mistakes, were someone elses risk takes
    his gift slakes her thirst for a mere second or two
    looking at broken stars for what some reckon is truth
    so now she's checking into a place where they know her name
    the pills hit her frozen frame, in hope of sober gains
    the medicine reacts slow in veins, so she shows her face
    in hopes that traces of blood in her lipstick will slow their pace"


    My two favorite parts of the verse.... loved the rhyming and the progression that the story took through these sections.
    -----------------
    Vote: To avoid going on forever since I don't have too much time this weekend to vote, I'm going to wrap it up here. This battle was VERY CLOSE to me... Each made use of their lengths and strengths for that matter effectively, both rhymed very well... and both had ALOT of substance..Damn this was hard to decide but I'm going to have to go with TheReturn on this one. Dope verses by both though... Good luck in the future. I hope to face either of you sometime.
    [/hide]
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  6. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    remember kids to vote in the tag tourney...

    ill be back to vote on this in a few...
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  7. David Lama

    David Lama oh yea?

    Joined:
    May 19, 2005
    Messages:
    2,162
    [hide]TheReturn - the chess thing has been done alot. I didnt realize it until I did it myself recently and then noticed a bunch of other drops about it. still I liked your piece and how you handled your topic, creative indeed, some good shit man, a nice read, flow was solid as well as the rhyme scheme, and you pulled the chess thing off even though its used alot.

    disused hero - imagery was sick, are you the verbalist?? Anyways the flow was on point, multis and all that was nice. And well you did your thing with the topic, only thing is I don’t know, it was nice, Ijust couldn’t get into it as much as I got into thereturn‘s piece, but still a nice drop and it could have beaten most pieces, might even beat thereturns, but I felt his more, sorry man.

    Overall - nice pieces here, disused hero was packed with some tight imagery and had a nice verse, thereturn did the chess thing but had a nice twist on it basically going through the death of each piece and relating it to the topic he choose, which was pretty nice and had me into it. Both did a nice job and its tough to decide here, really nothing bad to say about either piece, I just felt TheReturns verse a bit more, but this is one of those battles where I would love to vote a tie, I hate ties though, props to both, its sad someone has to lose in this one.

    vote - TheReturn[/hide]
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  8. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    14,147
    My bad Pent, the rule hadn't been posted so I can't have you enforcing a rule that we both know is a rule, but isn't in the rules stickied in the league.

    IV, in the future, if you see an issue that needs fixing in the league, tell a mod. That's all you need to do. Your vote will count, but the rule is not posted and there's already a free posting rule, which means.... don't post in matches unless you're voting. That's the only reason for anyone outside of the mods to be posting in other member's matches.

    Votes are hidden for a reason and regulated with this rule.

    This was my bad so blame me for not having the rule posted to enforce.
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  9. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    You don't get to do shit, but vote in other matches... that's all ur allowed to do. You don't get to talk shit to my mods chump so stfu and vote or get the fuck out. Those are you choices.... edit this shit and your vote won't count either

    [hide]
    can i say the newbs have stolen the battle of the week...????

    the sickest battle today that i have read by far...

    The Return- u remind me of someone i just cant put my finger on it, however this piece flowed excellently, i almost felt i was back in medevial times with this shit. very poetic, almost like someone that was in my crew awhile back... i play chess on the regular and its nice to see a game i love broken down like this...

    i thought for sure u would rape the newbie u were facing BUT...

    this hero came out blastin as well... GREAT multis and another story that touched me, a drug abuse story but it was very emotional and i could really feel it.

    there is no flaws to either of your verses... but in my opinion i think the chess piece with the vocab and the pictures it painted in my head was most definately a harder thing to do than the drug piece, and thats why i give my vote to

    TheReturn

    but great piece by both, this is the best newbie battle since the beginning of the RSTL...

    good shit by both[/hide]
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  10. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2005
    Messages:
    2,962
    [HIDE]
    Return, nice topical here. The metaphorical approach of royalty fighting wars in life to a game chess comparison was nicely done and although this is something I've seen more than a few times, I like how you did this. The flow kept a cool pace most of the time and the detailed descriptions of political agendas in fighting wars was nicely diaplyed. Making characters out of the pieces was nice and I liked how you did the pawn espeicially...that's some nice shit.


    Disused hero, Interesting layout for this.... the emotional set up was a key part of the depressing narration, which was well developed. The flow was nice throughout and kept the piece going strong and made the read more enjoyable. It moved pretty slow in the details, but it was very colorful in the imagery and that was nice too. The character build up was strong because of that as well and gave the piece a very personal feel in the narration. Nicely done..

    Vote disused hero

    [/HIDE]
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  11. Adderall XR 30

    Adderall XR 30 New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2005
    Messages:
    80
    [hide]

    Damn, I liked both of these. Unfortunately, I can only pick one, and that one is TheReturn. Hero, your piece started out a little slow, but after the first third or so, you started going off. I was seriously impressed by your rhymes and their smoothness. Your narration also stepped up from that point on. I sort of wish you had started off that strong. TheReturn's was just really damn solid throughout, although he too picked up as the piece went on. In general, I found TheReturn's piece a bit more engaging, though that is not to take anything away from hero's. This was a really damn good battle for two folks with no records. I hope you both stick around for a while because I enjoyed reading both of these.[/hide]
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  12. MrMister

    MrMister Urizen

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2003
    Messages:
    6,238
    [HIDE]vote - return

    return - nce piece man I liked how you used one event
    but then see it through like 5 different people
    but I was hoping for something more intresting something
    more shocking at the end. I liked how you left the king all alone
    I liked how you described the pawn everything was nicely set up
    for something better than he was left alone and oh yeah checkmate
    but the way you wrote it was nice and rhyme scheme was easy to read

    Hero - for your first piece this was definitly a nice try
    but man this was a hard read I mean at times I couldnt follow shit
    and it seemed like you had a lot of flaws dont get me wrong
    I have em too but damn yours were just ...
    and it seemed like you didnt really have a nice story
    but just something you wanted to say and the ending was kinda vague

    so all in all this was a pretty one sided battle for me
    while return had something special going he kinda lost it
    but it was still enough to get this win
    from a writer who in my opinion still needs to find his place[/HIDE]
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  13. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    458
    [hide]
    TheReturn:

    This was a nice concept I thought it was executed well, although truth be told I believe it was Mr. Chavez a few months back who probably implemented the best Chess game metaphors I've seen. I like how you stuck to the goal you set out with, however it felt very limiting in it's scope and you didn't break the mold with it as you simply went thru all the pieces, I think in the end game the overall structure and being loyal to it was more of a hindrance than a help.

    That said, I enjoyed the verse, thematically it was on the nose but at least it was clear about its intentions and I can appreciate that kind of clarity, it wasnt a convoluted mess it was direct, it was well written and flowed well, good scheme, for what you did you did it very well, and the last paragraph wrapped things up nicely in relation to your topic and each stanza was a supporting argument for your thesis, which is impressive as most verses simply end up taking on a topic and rambling incessantly.

    Not the most original, structure hurt a bit in its rigidity, but you pulled it off very well with good writing and thematically was tight, good entertainment value.


    discussed hero:

    this was pretty dope, i felt like the tone really created a moody and gritty atmosphere i was feeling the tight scheme and flow all the way thru walking me at a pace, the writing here was top notch the imagery and metaphors really sucked me in, the descriptions and aptitude in choosing the right words just moved this along, the premise is simple but i really enjoyed the journey into the depths of her struggle with life and addiction, this just was a tight piece.


    While I enjoyed the well written and thematically solid Chess game from TheReturn, I felt like disused hero's top notch writing and great tone pulled me and provided for an elevated and excellently scripted piece.

    Vote: disused hero
    [/vote]
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  14. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    just looking in
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  15. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    14,147
    [hide]The Return - what's your alias? im jw lol. This was a pretty cool piece the flow fell off somewhere in the middle but at the end it was pretty potent. I didnt catch what you were doing right away, with the whole emphasis on the queen, but thinking about it now, its just because I dont play my queen until I can sacrifice her for my opponents queen. My main boggle with this piece is that in the end you didnt really connect it to the real world, instead you just kinda made a metaphor using a chess game and left the metaphor open to interpretation (in my eyes). Pretty nice shit, won't be able to tell where u stand tll I read your opponent for the first time

    Disused hero -- mmm, so-so here. at first the flow was hooot, then it went in and out and around like a roller coaster; I would catch it and lose it hella quick (like special olympic basketball players!)there were instances of genious wording, and others of forced rhyming; i mean it gave it a crisp 'flow' but the line to line was kind of abrupt when read for content. The imagery of the piece was kind of original, but kind of redundant. Overall i see a lot of ability to prosper for you but you seem to be lacking focus too. So I'm gonna tell you right now im voting for Return, but your verse was still cool. it was an above par take on the subject, and the way you chose to handle it was also pretty creative, just the way your words were acctually written out (especially the typos) kind of made me not like it, u knooow?

    vote - TheReturn, in a close battle [/hide]
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  16. Atheist

    Atheist Storyteller

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2002
    Messages:
    1,707
    [hide]TheReturn: This was a fantastic verse. Welcome to the RSTL. After reading a couple of the stanzas, I could tell what direction you were gunning for with this piece ie the chessboard etc. And although it was a tad predictable, the way it was written and how you related each stanza to the topic was superb. The concluding stanza as well was perfectly worded, and embodied the entire piece nicely, giving it a plush finish. I really enjoyed this, and if you stick around, you'll go far in this league.

    The pawn, potentially the most powerful piece of all,
    Always keeping calm, and being strong when the peace is gone.
    He evades inept, by taking baby steps to avoid an easy fall,
    He sees the squall, a storm chaser whenever war's season dawns.
    Often overlooked, even a civilian mistaken for a fighting man
    Every time he stands, he fights with his mind in hand.
    The pawn takes advantage at whatever time he can,
    Unafraid of death if it brings happiness to his life again.
    A pawn's sacrifice can help bring the knife to a king.
    But more importantly, his death can mean the life of a queen...


    Brilliant.

    Disused Hero: The flow and rhyme scheme were pretty decent, but the content was pretty basic and average. You've got a lot of potential, and similarly to TheReturn, I'd like to welcome you to the league (even though I feel TheReturn is an alias, especially with his name being a not-so-subtle hint).

    caught foetel in this strange place, lights and grandeur
    ballroom gowns seem to glitter in the eyes of strangers
    but she looks duller when seen from tighter angles
    brushing her hair with a mirror, her hair limp, it dangles
    with a face like lightning strangled, she likens angels
    to frightened thank yous and backwards blank truths
    blackened ankles only hold up a weak frame
    and as each day progresses, she's forgetting her priests name


    A nice section, with a great rhyme scheme and flow. You're able to place a lot of content and writing characteristics into one line, which is always an admirable quality to have. Overall though, I'm giving this one to TheReturn, simply because I loved how you wrote this piece, and how each stanza perfectly related back to the topic you had chosen. It's a verse that will easily be in the top five in this week's magazine. Hero, you performed well too and you clearly have a lot of potential for this league, but TheReturn's verse was far too strong this week. Great read, fellas.[/hide]
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  17. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    14,147
    Return 1-0
    Disused hero 0-1

    7-2 votecount
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