#1 - RIKOSHAY vs. #8 - Vigil

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by RIKOSHAY, Feb 8, 2006.

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  1. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

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    Vigil:

    They say let the caged bird sing her heart out
    maybe that's only way she'll ever be free.

    I'v come close to being loved once, just not quite
    it was one of those sudden romances with long nights.
    It gave me goosebumps but she didn't jump
    she was afraid of flying, on top of that she was really reliant
    besides, I was an ugly duckling poking a stick at the sleeping giant.
    But for a while, we were at the brink on the same plank
    I thought we knew what love brings cause we discussed things
    on stuff until we would sink in our think-tanks.
    We had real talk, like fuck trust rings
    plus bling just rusts & we had no time to be dusting cufflinks.
    But I held her loose feathers too closely under my arms
    all along I was hurting her, thinkin I was protecting her from harm
    and I was too busy picking the lock to hear the alarm.
    Kept her in a pigeon hold with no holes to go through
    so it was long over due that in time she would fold in two
    and I was too strong for her to . start breaking free.
    Her colors were changing and it was time to rake the leeves.
    Spring was over, the time came to cut her her strings
    cupid was the buzz kill and I found out love stings.
    She flew away broken-hearted with dove wings,
    and it strucked me then, I learned the caged bird must sing.
    Left stranded, I reached out empty-handed with nothing to give
    but she did a u-turn, and it turned out she didn't want to live . .
    She told me she fled to her mom's
    but I found her with red palms
    She travelled on the off-road, and now she's dead, gone.
    And I'm left singing the swan song
    using her suicide notes.

    She tried to sing freedom songs with the voice of reason,
    and got lost in the void within
    the same one she avoid believing in.
    These are all the things hopelessness brings
    proving you can't spread love with broken wings.

    topic:“Don't bother trying to find her, She's not there”

    ===========================VS.===========================

    RIKOSHAY:

    I was RIKOSHAY.
    The one with the enchanted, sweet touch with words.
    I, ran the scene undisturbed, single handedly crushing herds
    of challengers that came calling. I answered each one in search
    of a foe worthy of dealing me my first grand defeat; none emerged.
    So, I griped about how “Being the champ has become a curse.”
    “I can’t outdo myself every time I write. The ante keeps upping worse.”
    Gave myself an out-clause as part of my plan to refund the purse
    should some F l o o k finally manage to banish me from my perch.
    Can it be? Buzz alert!
    Quick! Check the news! Channel 3, what occurred?
    Did the world’s population just witness the planet erupt and burn?
    Nope. I lost one match, scandal free, just deserts,
    and only a few dozen texcees noticed my fantasy bubble burst.
    I am RIKOSHAY.
    The one whose wife won’t wait until the man in me comes to terms
    with the fact that:
    the internet is like a cult that won’t grant release from it’s church.
    I can’t withstand the destructive urge
    to prove myself to faceless names when they’re all emphatically unconcerned.
    I do believe my way with words is a gift. I’ve practically hugged a verse.
    But fear freezes my advancement and apathy numbs the nerves.
    I’m overwhelmed with a gift I didn’t ask for, it’s drastically undeserved.
    We’ve all heard the tale of how a gift granted becomes a curse.
    But clichés only become clichés because they’re true and,
    the truth is,
    I’ll never be an M.C. and that’s the tragedy of the curse
    because I’m still trying to live the fragile dreams some defer.
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  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Vigil...Ok so this is a cool write...you start off with a smoother flow then what you have in the end, it's not a big deal but I feel it makes your verse more patchy to read and harder to get into because of it...on the other hand the imagery you used and the metaphor of the dove...a pure and innocent bird in the connection of suicide really clashes and I like how you strung that together...I think word choice is very important and you showed some real dope usage here...Nice job

    Riko...first off ha at the "flook" line...i'm sure jook is gonna appreciate that one...nah but on the real this was really well written man...you had an incredibly smooth flow throughout while not making it cookie cutter textbook format...what you brought forth in your lines was on a real tip and I liked how you approached this piece...essentially I think most people are going to vote your way, but as for me...

    ...I liked how Riko brought his own life into this and made a cool little story, but although Vigil didn't flow better he was just on a deeper level and connected with things that Riko didn't even touch and because of that i'm going to give my vote to Vigil for having a powerful and in-depth verse...

    [/hide]
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  3. I Dunnno

    I Dunnno New Member

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    136
    [HIDE]

    Vigil, first of all, condolences. I had a ex that tried to committ suicide too, but she just overdosed on pills. Nothing too exciting like this. Anyway though, I liked it. Sounded genuine and heartfelt. The flow was ok, the narration could of been a lil more emotional for such a sob story, but I can see why you didn't go there. Almost in love isn't in love. This was pretty nice. Good shit.


    Rikoshay, that's a pretty ego-manical man. Even though I'm pretty sure I've spelled that wrong. The narration of it was dramatic in a "the average man battles KRS 1" kind of way. Although I think it's really easy to write about yourself because it takes the creativity out of it, this was done nicely. Flow was stretched, but like you said, you're not an mc. The content was unapealing though. I think people were more surprised to you being beaten by jook than the fact you were beaten.

    Vote Vigil, better content and writing format.
    [/HIDE]
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  4. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

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    884
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  5. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

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    Messages:
    7,243
    Sorry Vigil, you're right. There it is.
    PEA
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  6. Scrolls-Oracle of Omen

    Scrolls-Oracle of Omen *DBS*--*A.B.C*

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    [HIDE]vote: vigil

    vigil: story was ill...flow was decent....i liked it alot....the storyline and the way u took it kept me into it. i just think u took this a lil more than rik did....good shit...

    rik: story was ill.....flow was great.....jus felt vigil had a lil more of an edge....i just felt he had a lil more of a story than yourself. dont get me wrong though...ur shit was sick to....nice man...keep the shit up...pzz

    one[/HIDE]
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  7. Shogun...

    Shogun... Ghost Within the Shadows

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2006
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    [HIDE]Riko cheated!!! lol just kidding (if anyone takes that seriously ur an idiot lol)

    Vigil
    This was an aight verse, but by far not your illest...dope topic choice, very imaginative...the flow was off alot, i couldnt really catch it, i read it over a couple times and finally found some of the flow, but some lines were still off...vocab was there though

    Riko
    ill verse, good flow, good mechanicc, ALTHOUGH, not good choice of topics
    its just about your life? I thought it might have been 100% iller if you chose somethin that had to have more imagery and well...fiction i guess, but you did a good job on the piece, it just didnt really do it for me like last weeks verse

    I gotta give my vote to Riko for a more structured peice here, it was really dope and the flow was right on point but i didnt like the topic
    Vigil..if you win this well, you'll need to come with it alot more strongly next week
    DO YOUR THING!!!![/HIDE]
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  8. TaLi RodrigueZ

    TaLi RodrigueZ Washed Up Rapper...

    Joined:
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    4,546
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    Ok, these matches are pretty close this week. That means I have to find reasons not to like something lol. I guess I'll start with Vigil. I thought you started off really slow on a number of fronts. The flow was little funny. The rhymes were ok but pretty normal. And I don't know, they just came across a little dry to me. That said, once you got going, all of those really picked up. You started bringing in those little metaphors I tend to like. Again, the rhymes were cool, but not as good as I've seen from you in the past. In terms of the content, parts touched me here and there. The only problem really had was that I thought you could have used a few of those lines you didn't use to develope her a little bit more, particularly why she did what she did. I get the general picture of what she did and I can imagine why but in terms of what's actually written there, I didn't feel as much empathy/sympathy for her because I almost feel like I didn't get the whole picture if that makes any sense at all. That said, I can fill in the blanks lol. I'm just saying, I think it could have been that much better had there been more dedicated to the ending.

    As for you RIKOSHAY, it's pretty much cliche for me to say much about your rhymes anymore. Obviously, that is a main focus of yours on ever verse you write. As far as I'm concerned, this was no different. The flow was pretty much ok I thought. There were a couple of parts that could have used an inner or two to keep the flow going better but whatever. Um, what else. I can absolutely relate to quite a bit of this piece, particularly about how it becomes hard to out do yourself after a while. And yeah, that can seem egotistical but anyone who's been in that position before knows exactly what it is. I can also relate to the feeling of wondering why in the hell you do what you do. Although, I don't think it's such a tragic thing necessarily. My one complaint about the piece as a whole is basically the same one I had with Vigil's. I thought it could have been developed a bit more. The story of how you got there can only be so long but I do think you could have said more about why it disturbs you as much as it does that you do what you do. I got a sense of it, but again, I was more putting my own experiences into it and filling in the blanks like that rather than taking it in from something you told me.

    This sucks. I guess I have to go with RIKOSHAY. Neither piece was as complete as I would have preferred. Vigil's hit me more on the emotional tip but I related to RIKOSHAY's more. Then, RIKOSHAY took the technical aspects of this. So there it is. Good luck to both of you.[/hide]
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  9. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Joined:
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    Vigil:

    That was a really touching piece, something that anyone who's been in a relationship, healthy or not, can relate to (the urge is there, I think, whether we act upon it or not, to be controlling). The emotion was coming off it, the verse really had me hooked, I thought it was really well written, some great imagery and wordplay stuck in my head. Some of my favorite lines:

    These are all the things hopelessness brings
    proving you can't spread love with broken wings.

    We had real talk, like fuck trust rings
    plus bling just rusts & we had no time to be dusting cufflinks.


    Everything came off really naturally, developed well, I thought the flow and scheme were nice but not as tight as usual, like it was keyed, which feels very in-tune with the story. Nothing to really complain about here, I would have liked a bit more than just the overbearing aspect, but alas it's a 40 line verse, so great job, definitely felt this shit.


    Rikoshay:

    Another emotional, relatable piece. The story of becoming obsessed with a great talent and accomplishment in a fantasy world, something the rest of the world doesn't recognize, and the reality of it crashing down because of necessity is hard shit to come to terms with. The technical aspects of this verse are near flawless, the flow and scheme just let the words come off the page I was pretty enthalled by your verse as usual. I think the vocabulary, structure, and clean read you provide are textbook (and since there is no textbook, thus becoming the textbook).

    The emotions and imagery presented by both emcees, the approach to the topic are all equally, and skillfully, done. While Vigil had some nicer wordplay and a natural keystyle, Rikoshay's vocabulary, technical aspects, clear diction and a more complex idea to wrap his emotional torment around give him the edge in my mind. Great battle.

    Vote: Rikoshay
    [/hide]
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  10. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

    Joined:
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    Tie!
    I guess it's me and Vigil in a 3-way with Annihilation next week.
    test
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