#1 - RIKOSHAY vs. #1 - Vigil vs. #4 Annihilation

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by RIKOSHAY, Feb 15, 2006.

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    RIKOSHAY New Member

    Oct 31, 1999


    Her body akin to my soul, almost consumed by the flames
    As the pain takes control like I'm presumed insane
    I see my Jane in her eyes, like a portal into souls
    Our fiery passion transcendin' these mortal coils
    Partner pulling me back I'm sedated by our holistic fate
    Her face pulling me back from my nihilistic state
    Escapin' the crowd unable to escape the resemblance
    My wifes slab not even draped in a truths semblance
    Murdered n' raped, no traces, not an ounce or shred
    Left graspin' for fadin' moments once pronounced dead
    As sirens cry out in pain quickly nearin' the riots incite
    My second chance at hand atoning in quiet respite.

    "John, this such a good idea, I know she looks like.."
    "She'll be fine here, Mac, a little sleep and a bite
    to eat, for now she can rest and recover, got it?"
    "Chief ever finds out he'll discover ya psychotic!"
    Seven years on the force, ol' Mac and me
    I knew he'd cover, pick up my slack, and let me be
    Hell, I'd think the same, but Mac, ya, Mac knew
    When Jane went died she took half of me too
    The way she'd simply smile and just stare into my soul
    No matter the vile cases I had, I couldn't bare but feel whole
    "Whe...where am I? How...how did I get here?"
    "M'am, I'm Detective Carter, ya safe, have no fear
    You were caught in activist riot, stuck in a car
    But your journey's over now, you needn't go far
    Detective Maclean went back to HQ to report, see
    He'll be back to get a statement from you shortly"
    "I don'...I don't remember, but thank you so much"
    "Hush, not another word Jane, all I want is your touch"
    As I approached my kindred spirit I was one again,
    Engrained with the freedom from fear and from pain,
    "No! Get away you freak!" Then sunshine turned to rain,
    The sirens, that awful noise! Come to take her again!

    *Officers barge into Detective John Carters Home*

    "Officer's help! He went out the back, he's deranged!"
    "Jane.. what are you doing here? Are you in any pain?"
    "What...I can't remember...where's Detective Maclean"
    "Who? Ms. Carter, you ex-husband is clinically insane
    He was put on medical leave, Paranoid Skitzophrenic,
    Two years ago, you don't remember the train wreck?
    You had irreparable amnesia, divorced, went into fugue,
    And there's no one by the name of Maclean in our crew...



    Topic: I Could Have Done More

    Ghost Writer

    I'm Dead,
    buried in the back of his mind
    in the empty spaces he created
    he placed me here then vacated
    couldn't face his fears
    I was one mask of his many faces he hated
    and he's been in this phase for years.
    I'm waiting to be on a page to show my rage & tears
    so the idle spots on his face can appear
    without the fear of pushing me back in
    cause im out of place in his shell thats cracking.
    See, I was withdrawn from his bigger picture
    but I wasn't out of line, I just couldn't fit in the fixture.
    I was there for him to save him from razor cuts
    and he used to praise me, but
    our once concrete trust has fade to dust.
    For a while we played mind games but it was so hard
    cause it was catch me if you can & he played both parts.
    He had constant mood swings, & he always missed
    cause he was too busy over throwing the ideas that I pitched.
    He was turned off when I kept switching my role
    from being that self-fulfilling soul to that invisible hole.
    Over time things got worst, we got in fights & feuds
    his temper was heating up, but not enough to light our fuse.
    It was a dog fight, I was taken into the pound
    & it was hard picking myself up when he was breakin me down.
    It was a one-sided inner war, we were both consumed
    fighting over territory in our remoted room,
    and the battle scars left him with open wounds.
    We both were in tune with the instruments of death
    but I held my breath too long, & misused some keys
    and eventually hit the deck,
    it was a miscue and he fled with his crew to sea
    continued in his shipwreck with only a few of me.
    I was his counterpart, always in and around his heart
    since he was in the gene pool I was his lifeguard
    so I found it quite hard that he would he lock me in a tight jar
    but I guess that's how the cookie crumbles.
    And now I got no voice for me to speak up
    I hate his guts & I can't escape, caged in, shut..
    pouring my thoughts into decayed paper cups.
    He'll listen up soon, or hell will keep knocking
    and his inner voices will keep talking
    till' he figures out you can't chase dreams while sleep walking.
    The guy in this piece broke apart mid stride
    so I had to let him go.
    I could have done more, instead I let him prance around
    but that was out of the question, the same one I'm trying to answer now.
    He was at one time my steer and guide
    and although I shoved him aside I still love him inside.
    And in this post I'm reciting his side
    . . .
    ghostwriting for the part of me that died.



    Sleep tight baby boy.
    You’ll never have to know that lead slugs bite
    more ferociously than any bed bug might.
    But hey, the only good thug is a dead thug, right?
    Never heard the blackbird singing in the dead of night.
    Only silent mockingbirds
    and mama can’t afford to buy you a diamond ring
    so I never even learned the rest of the rhyme to sing.
    They say that, with time, the sting of all wounds will heal.
    It feels like an eternity has past yet it’s still too soon to feel
    anything but pain in my tortured heart.
    My whole world’s been torn apart
    and I can’t tell where the nightmare ends and the horror starts.
    I’m sorry baby boy.
    Mama tried but this ghetto has got to me.
    It is a small world but my breath don’t come properly
    when it’s settled on top of me.
    I truly believed in the red rose philosophy.
    Plucked the pedals and dropped them each
    with a “He loves me”, “He loves me not” and your papa loves us both,
    the roses said so, methodically.
    I should have known better.
    Love in the ghetto is not to be.
    I knew it before I heard the echo of shots released.
    I left my heart exposed for robbery
    and the thief in the night was a bullet with no name until it engraved one in granite.
    So, when you see this head stone come toppling,
    just know: your papa’s free
    and freedom is not of this world when fate is involved.
    Ooh baby, baby, it’s a wild world and I’m afraid of it’s call.
    Now, I just pray that my faith will absolve my fatal impulse.
    No one ever told me that depression was a post-natal result.
    Maybe this head stone can lift the weight as it falls
    down on you…baby…cradle and all.
  2. Calloused

    Calloused New Member

    Nov 3, 2005
    [hide]Annihilation, I've got to say, that ending wasn't very original. Ever since Fight Club the multiple personality disorder has been a commonly tried twist in just about every form of storytelling, and I know I've seen it at least once in this league before. You told the story reasonably well, but I wasn't too impressed with your multiples as some were rather slanted. The flow wasn't always easy, a result of the slants, but it wasn't bad for the most part. The dialogue was strong and somewhat realistic, which is all I can ask for in a rap verse. The presentation of the story seemed a little dull, though. I wish you had incorperated more imagery. On the whole, this is not one of the best verses I've read from you.

    As for Vigil, I really enjoy your style of writing. Your word choice and flow are very fluid and enjoyable to read. Unfortunately, I didn't really enjoy the topic of the verse all that much. It was an abstract idea that didn't seem to pull me in or hold any message of value. You had some very nice examples of wordplay and it seemed like you were setting up a strong ending twist as to who or what you were personifying, but I turned out to be wrong. Therefore, this was a good verse but I felt it should have been a little better in terms of content.

    Rikoshay came out with guns blazing, and blew all four other competitors in this tournament away. His was the last verse I read, and it was also the best. The combination of brilliant multiples, outstanding rhyme scheme, and great flow made this verse very smooth reading. There were plenty of great examples of wordplay, and the content was well laid out though layered in metaphor. This verse was extremely well written and overall outstanding.

    Rikoshay clearly wins this battle, with Vigil coming up second and Annihilation pulling in the rear.[/hide]
  3. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Mar 17, 2003
    nice verses, good luck guys.

    thanks for voting calloused.

    just an FYI, multiple personality disorder, the official term is DID (dissasociative identity disorder), is probably best found in the film 'Primal Fear', mostly because it probably doesn't exist, or at least not in the fictional sense. There is alot of doubt as to the validity of the disorder and whether its real or not, and the like gallizion percent increase in cases since its popularization in the media. While fight club uses DID (and so does Identity, but in an odd way), my protagonist doesn't have it, he has paranoid skitzophrenia, which is seen in...um... oh yeah, A Beautiful Mind. Maclean is a figment, and the woman has disassociative fugue, although i threw in the word amnesia for layman purposes.

    Just a little PSY for ya =)[/hide]
  4. Shogun...

    Shogun... Ghost Within the Shadows

    Jan 28, 2006
    Very nice piece here Anni...The story was nicely told and kept me in suspense wondering...WTF! is goin on! lol...You had most of the elements for a perfect verse..vocab, flow, structure and overall mechanical prose..the only thing i see that may could have been better is some of the rhymes...maybe a more "raw" approach would have read more nicely...i loved the ending though! Did NOT see that coming...Dope verse

    Another dope verse with the makings of perfection...you also didnt lack vocab or flow...and your structure was also "tight-knit" I believe you could have done a few things better, maybe the same as i what i said to Anni...come with a more "raw" approach with the lyrical aspect...but dont get me wrong...you had some VERY nice lines
    I just figure with lines like that, ALL of them could come off just as "raw" with the right choice of words and rhymes...Very nicely done though Vigil, iller than last week most def.!

    You came with it this time Riko...Better choice of words for the vocab...it read more smoothly than last weeks verse as well (in my opinion)
    That's some of the best bars i've seen from you, right there!
    That saying that the end was the only ill part...no no no...the entire thing was "dopeness". (imma trademark that word lol) At first, i honestly didnt know where this story was headed...but as i read on, i didnt give up...then that feeling of "darkness" and laothing came over...and i read that last line...it all came together at once...like a slap in the face...you "sold" this piece with that

    I give Riko my vote...but let me tell you!! this was a close match, with three very nice "Masterpieces"! Not just pieces..."MASTERPIECES!" lol...I love these tourneys![/HIDE]
  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005

    ok lets figure this one out...hate judging 3 way battles...

    riko...so I didn't rap this when I read it as I normally do...instead I sang it with a blues/jazz type feel...and I have to say this was one of the best things i've read from you period...I really think this was a very deep piece and I think it deeply correlates to your life...and well to the life of just about anyone growing up in the ghetto...honestly I don't know if I can put into words how this piece hit me and on what level...but damn man...i'm humbled by this piece...

    vigil...i like the concept of ghost writing for the part of you that died...that's a deeper metaphor and it's something i've come to expect from you...the flow wasn't the greatest but it was consistent...what really drew me in about this piece was your word choice...it was very crafty and truly on point...good job man...

    anni...ok first read i'm really confused...maybe i'm not reading it right so i'll come back to this...ok so i'm going to do this piece by piece so that I can really hone in on this...first stanza or what not...ok he sees his dead wife in the eyes of this woman...he thinks it's his second chance at saving his wife kinda deal...alright I can follow that...ok second time around i'm getting this...mac is carter...carter is mac...he takes her back to his place...struggle between personalities but carter wins out...mac will "cover" for him...ok...cops figure out what happened...come to take away the woman who looked like his wife...arite...makes a ton more sense 2nd time around...oh nice...she never died...she was only divorced...amenisia...really nicely done man...a few missing words here and there, but I know how tired you were so I feel you...what can I say man...normally this would have won it...

    I think vigil was outdone by both anni and riko this week, but what it comes down to now is the fact that while anni had a really cool piece where he really developed the character and had a nicely put together plot, but Riko's piece just hit me on a completely different level...I have to go with my feelings here and vote Riko [/hide]
  6. Gerald

    Gerald New Member

    Nov 1, 2005
    Annihilation -Damn the entire thing is dope, story line was good from begining to end,the verse had me interested the whole way thru

    Vigil - it was alright nothing bad but I wasn't feeling what you were saying much, but it had it's creative moments

    Rikoshay - Damn this story was nice, the tory line was dope and it had me like damn but half way thru I pretty much figured out your ending

    Vote - Annihilation[/hide]
  7. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

    Aug 16, 2005
  8. Kryptikal

    Kryptikal Soulstice.

    Aug 26, 2005
    [hide]v/ riko[/hide]
  9. Scrolls-Oracle of Omen

    Scrolls-Oracle of Omen *DBS*--*A.B.C*

    Feb 23, 2001
    [HIDE]vote: vigil

    shit yo...shit was mad close....all came ill...

    anni: nice man...very nice. you kept me interested the whole story...then the ending. the ending was mad dope...nice shit cousin...your shit was very close to vigils...

    vigil: wow...i started to think in the beginning that it wasnt gonna be that good...then u shut me up. that sleep walking line was nice dawg...then the ending was even nicer....between you and anni, shit was mad close....you just drew me in more....

    riko: damn...nice shit here as well....definately deserve to be where your at. story was nice, flow...all was good....you were right up there with them...i just think vigil slipped between you and annis fingertips....

    very nice battle....keep it up...

    if you could....vote on Scrolls vs. mr. chaves.....thank you.[/HIDE]
  10. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Feb 17, 2001
    Clause -- dont get me twisted, it was a cool verse but you are already not getting my vote. the reason being simply is the transitioning of the story. it didnt feel like a STORY you know? it felt like you dropped a bunch of background on said skitzo and then dropped a twist...the ends didnt feel tied together, you know? there was no real transitioning, you jsut kidna jumped around; like here

    I mean from a technical stand point this was cool-- flow was decent, i liked how the rhyme words were natural and didnt take away from your content. You normally describe peoples psychology in more detail than this so I wasnt as impressed in that department. I dunno, it feels to me that you strayed from sure fire writing to be a little more dialogueish, trying to get the emotions involved and shit...

    sorry if im wrong, its 556 AM
    and i cant sleep because I got in a fight with a close friend so i'm voting to blow off steam

    with that wonderful news we move on to
    Vigil - your take on the topic was wonderful, some shit I could see myself thinking up, depending on how much juice i drank that week. The flow was like butter baby. one of my concerns though is that I Don't understand HOW or WHY that part of you died. It would have been nice to see some of that emotion correspond to a psudeo storyline or something, you know? The one other thing i REALLY didnt like about your piece is that your allegories/metaphors were to transitiony..like u jumped form one to the next to describe each feeling, and it went beyond wordplay, it got metaphorically...Its really hard writing a metaphor full of metaphors (trust me, i'd know) and I think you should try to stay on subject (I.E. keeping a theme, you know? ask and ill explain if u dont, i think this is a valid point....nm)
    anyways; I'm also curious what you meant by invisible hole....

    anyways, decent verse

    Rikoshay -- I Think its hilariously funny that you had to resort dumbing your shit down to nursery rhyme refrences isntead of actual dope literature just to get to the same page as...yea anyway

    Pretty sound verse...a little lackluster in the flow department which shocked me but I can't hold you it to you, it was still dope. I love how you can string together several subjects in such a short amount of writing space and get alot of messages across.... it seems so natural too like you are writing the good bye letter to your baby boy....damn..

    that was pretty dope for what its worth...

    Anyways its hard as fuck to critique people who keystyle better then my written pieces so...

    vote - Rikoshay 1st
    Vigil 2nd
    and Clause 3rd (only because this felt like a rushed piece though buddy)
  11. I Dunnno

    I Dunnno New Member

    Sep 14, 2005
    Annihil, this started with nice movement into the character with the narration. As the guy started getting very dramatical about the death of jane, the emotional development grew and made this more suspenseful like intended. The flow was nice to start, but got really plain through the dialogue, though it remained natural sounding. The ending was a surprise, but not really concluded well. I guess that's the problem with stories under small line limits. A few more lines and this would of been much more complete, I'm sure. Nice shit

    Vigil, the conept you had of this was really nice and kind of like the conept I had I guess. The narration made me think you were fighting yourself, but I was thinking crazyily, which I'm starting to see more and more of so I'm glad you went another route with it. The flow was weird to follow at times, but I did like it. Ur narration showed some wit to give it a little more style too.

    Riko, nice in the development of this piece. The idea of it all was pretty nice too.... Pops talking to his baby boy from the grave. The flow of course helped move it along. The sequence of informing us he was dead in the middle to still cover more with us knowing that, I thought that was done nicely as well. Although the content wasn't really as interesting as the other two, the format, flow and sequence of it outshined heavily.

    Vote riko
  12. Annihilation

    Annihilation CLAUS HOUSE

    Mar 17, 2003
    Congrats on moving onto the finals Riko, great piece. Props to Vigil too, you had a real nice verse as well.
  13. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

    Aug 16, 2005
    ^ditto Anni. good shit.

    and props to Riko for running the tourney, and good luck in the finals.

    RIKOSHAY New Member

    Oct 31, 1999
    RIKOSHAY Wins!
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