#07 L-Dogg vs #10 Dmetrius

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Vern Acular, Mar 23, 2004.

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  1. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

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    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=722881


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    if you win by no-show u are encouraged to vote still in other matches!!!!!



    GO GET EM CHAMP!!!​
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  2. Flow Da HoloGraff

    Flow Da HoloGraff Fuck Up!

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  3. LDogg The King

    LDogg The King The High Life

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    inittowinit : )
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  4. Flow Da HoloGraff

    Flow Da HoloGraff Fuck Up!

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    Khuffi faded slightly, laid lightly atop of his grays
    His face unshaved and scruffy, he seemed dusty, musty, and un-bathed
    Still he gleamed and waved … moved slow, his ankle was sprained
    And spoke hello, how may I help you, or have a nice day
    He was paid okay for pleasantries, so pleasant was what he portrayed
    The Wal-mart way, which contrasted greatly with the way he was raised

    He could recall days of separate seatings, boy cots, police beating
    No greeting the other color, you’d get spit in your face for speaking
    Sit-ins, secret meetings, fight back or cease breathing
    Be proud and black, say it loud, being descreet’s for weaklings
    He had walked the streets, with a million others, and called each one a brother
    And they shared a bonding grievance, though barely knowing each other
    5 years came and gone, he’s in ‘nam at war with yellow faces
    “no g.ook ever called me n.igger” the slogan against the racists
    They graced the soil with their souls; he had not been shown this in basics
    The war sent troops through slews of changes, stole youth straight from their faces
    He thought of the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the definition of what a waste is
    His state of mind at that time, shaped from visions of small children
    Skin embalmed by napalm, bodies with limbs missin
    Corpses of torn women, cold rain, hot munitions
    Soldiers with hole through fiber, not alive but still twitchin

    He had returned to native land, a greatly changed man
    And fought bravely for a dream, and what seemed to be an unchanged land
    Sure there was Jimi, and also the hippies dancing amongst flowers
    But it still basically remained black versus white power

    A few weeks past 64 he now greets the people in the store
    Checks bags at the door, his pay?? … should ask for more
    He’d developed a rapport as quite polite, employee of the month twice
    Managers asked him for advice, the whites now find him rather nice
    He laughed at the irony, as he jingled the keys in the ignition
    Ignored the E light, adjusted mirrors and seat position
    He’d been given more recognition through the store, than the military system
    Now they no longer focused on his color, rather they enjoyed his disposition

    Or so he thought, pushed the pedal, the throttle gurgled and coughed
    He pulled over, empty gas bottle; he crunched his face then scoffed
    Sighing he realized, he was many miles from the city
    So he sat there and patiently … quietly reminiscing

    Second after second, minute after minute,
    Headlight after headlight came within his vision
    And he saw the familiar faces, of the people he’d helped on a daily basis
    None of them dared to help, though he would if they exchanged places

    He sat there and held his head high, with resilience and youthful vigor
    Because no matter what they said, to them he was still a n.igger​
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  5. LDogg The King

    LDogg The King The High Life

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    4. this is your first date, over-excited you do everything you can think of to
    impress her, flowers...dinner reservations...breath mints...whatever it takes,
    as you get home your cell phone rings, it's her number, you pick it up
    anxiously but the person on the other line isn't her, expand...​


    .
    .
    .
    ...................................................

    I was in the mall bringing back what my daughter had bought
    she was into punk rock an thought there was nothing hotter then Goth
    until her 'punk' ass boyfriend fell in love with a groupie
    and left her droopy eyes in tears like a goodbye hug in a movie
    so the chains an cuffs were going back, walked right by Spencer’s
    with a bag full of stuff, an took it into what looked like a store for stripers
    black leather suits strangled the manikin bodies, rock music on loud
    waiting to run into somebody working, walked up isles an on down
    there in the back of this whore house long brown hair covered the back
    of a women putting panties on hangers while I looked down at her ass
    she turned to my bag rattle an approached me with a Wild Grin
    the type of smile u could spot in a room that Masked the eyes of them
    something about this lady had me wanting babies faster then my sperm
    I exchanged the items an asked for her number afraid of getting burned
    to my surprise her face expression was as surprised as mine
    when she took out a pen an wrote down her number 962-6819
    I too wrote my number down for her so she could call me around eight
    that’s when she got off work an would be giving me my first date as of late.
    walked out of the mall while putting her number in my cell
    buying some breath mints on my way out so my breath wouldn’t smell
    called for dinner reservations, even stopped to get flowers
    before driving back home.. where I would soon take a shower


    .
    .
    .

    Eight o clock came around and I was dressed to impress
    all that was on my mind was getting her undressed to the breasts
    we could come back here after dinner since my daughter was gone
    thank god tonight was the night she wanted to stay with her mom
    while thinking of how good those cuffs I returned could have been
    my cell phone went off an showed the last number saved on my sim
    I picked up an said hello.. it took a second for the response
    then a mellow voice asked me what it was I dream of...
    before I could reply, the voice spoke again in a freaky kid fashion
    saying my dreams would come true if I was to go to this big mansion
    I wrote the address down as the line cut out an left me in question
    normally I wouldn’t go, but for some reason this girl was an obsession

    .
    .
    . ​

    white marble walls glistened off of the full moons light
    as I approached the enormous mansion an got a whole new site
    looking up, could see bats circle as I stared at them sore
    rang the bell as a figure in a mask-purple answered the door
    before I could talk he pulled me in an draped me in a cape
    handed me a mask then walked away... telling me to wait
    I put on the mask an looked around as a man in fear
    at all the others who walked under the crystal chandeliers
    no one was talking, u could almost say it was therapeutic
    I started walking..the stares made me unaware of the music
    chants were forming from a higher level an raised my brow
    I walked up some stairs only to be in amazement now
    a ceremony was taking place, all but one person on one knee
    wearing special robes of red with nothing on underneath
    crawled closer to the room to get a better glimpse
    but was hit from behind an knocked out ever since..​

    .
    .
    .
    Shadows were bouncing off of walls of the small room I was in
    as I woke up an looked around.. at the candles lights dancin
    to my right was a door with a window, must of been in the attic
    for when I looked out the window I looked down in a panic
    the room was pitch black, under the masks, their eyes glowed
    the life like ghost were approaching so hid with my eyes closed
    the entrance swung open as hands grabbed me from all directions
    tied me down to a mattress, ready to perform a human dissection
    opened my eyes to a circle of knifes, a woman’s voice said dig in
    but before they did
    the candle light flickered off a mask.. onto a very familiar Grin

    .
    .
    .
    ................................................

    1. you've lost your memory, you wake up in a small room on the floor, there's
    an abundance of candles burning, you can practically taste the wax and sulfur,
    you stand up to look out the window to only become afraid cause there stairing
    back at you is total darkness, expand...
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  6. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

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    illness... ill bbl to vote this.
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  7. Dikembe Mutombo

    Dikembe Mutombo New Member

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    hmmm damn

    both verses hot to death...

    I liked L Dogg's for the the way he mixed the topics.... I didn't really like you forcing the first date thing into a "first date in a while" but it still did aight....I really think your only weakness was forcing the second topic in really late, or that may be just my opinion.

    Dmetrius brought that fire...I mean honestly man, that's one of your better stories I've ever read. I really was into this one, and the irony was ridiculous. Fantasticly written...not a flaw I could find.

    Vote = Dmetrius...his story from start to finish was as solid as it gets.

    Good luck fellas
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  8. LDogg The King

    LDogg The King The High Life

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    Over the No Shows
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  9. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

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    L - From last we met... you're skills have come up drastically and your writing has been massively upped thru the months.... I found your piece to be extremely entertaining and enjoyable ... read it 2x just because of the perfection u put in the story... the imagery and everything

    D - Youre writing style is deadly and invokes so much literary power... aside from your goofy attitude .. your talent in writing has no boundary... and the magnetic emotional clutch that i got from your piece is flatout just... raw...


    L: 93
    D: 92
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  10. Muti

    Muti I just write

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    Dmetrius...

    good story....detailed nicely...imagery real.. Had pretty good emotion and the rhyme structure was good.. props... The story wasn't very exciting and didn't reall have any twists or anything but the basic story itself was nice and it was just a good story all he way through

    L Dogg

    Good story as well... No real twist and I think your story wasn't written as smooth as Dmetrius...Some lines when read sounded awkward...

    to my surprise her face expression was as surprised as mine
    when she took out a pen an wrote down her number 962-6819


    double words..surprise twice in the same sentence didnt make this line flow off the tounge real nice and

    then a mellow voice asked me what it was I dream of...

    maybe just typo but dreamed instead of dream... just didnt come off right...

    Your story was more interesting especiall since you used two topics in one... I just dont think your story itself was real clear to the reader and I think that was a weak point..

    My vote Dmetrius... (My opinion)

    good luck to whoever wins....
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  11. Peril-Eyes

    Peril-Eyes LP1 Lunch Pines Throwback

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    I gotta go with dmetirus.
    explanation... D had a solid verse, started out with a real nice flow and told a good story... I was actually impressed by l doggs verse, havent really peeped anything from him that much...but he came with the thunder... i just felt the ending was a little forced. that was my only prob. Great battle. Peace
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  12. MC ENFERNO

    MC ENFERNO I love Mary jane

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    Ok now this was a good battle this is what I expect from the Championship Tourney. Good job fellas

    L Dogg: Good verse. you connected the two topics and you did a good job with it cause you did not introduce the ohter topic until later. And that was good your flow was on point and it was a great story.

    D: This was awesome. I loved the way you rhymed in the beginning it had me hooked and the story never fell off. Great flow and you made me feel the guys pain good shit.

    Vote: D
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  13. Desenut§

    Desenut§ Lean mean nuttin machine!

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    L- Good piece.. for the most part well written.. and a nice twist on the topic.. If I had not seen bordello of blood.. I'd give you extra points for originality... but the storylines were a bit too similar.. so I knew where this was going the moment the mansion was mentioned.. also.. the ending DID seem a little forced.. he should've at least got laid first man.. and why would they stuff him in the attic? *LOL* but still a solid piece..

    D-... I was really amazed by you.. your piece showed intellegence.. wisdom.. and a deep knowledge of history as well.. very.. very.. very.. solid.. I had to print it out and show it to the wifey as a matter of fact.. THIS in my opinion was a perfect example of a flawless piece.. start to finish.. take away ANY piece.. and it would be left hollow.. great flow.. and word usage..

    Vote-D
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  14. SeQueL

    SeQueL Mmm Tig Ol Bitties

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    L-Dogg sign me out for this or next week or whenever RSTL gets started.. Cause the sign in and out thread is closed..
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  15. LDogg The King

    LDogg The King The High Life

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    good show D.. an will do seq.
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  16. LDogg The King

    LDogg The King The High Life

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    Dmetrius - Advances to Round 2
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