INSTALLING YOUR ••••••. You should install your •••••• differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field ••••••• work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your •••••• to another •••••• immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many ••••••• start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House ••••••• work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your •••••• can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since ••••••• become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck ••••••. If your •••••• is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their •••••• hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for •••••• hoes. These names go straight over your ••••••'s head, by the way. CONFIGURING YOUR •••••• Owing to a design error, your •••••• comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most ••••••• can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your ••••••'s tongue. Once de-tongued your •••••• will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. ••••••• have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their ••••••• for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the ••••••'s). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat HOUSING YOUR ••••••. Your •••••• can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of •••••• food through. The rule of thumb is, four ••••••• per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot •••••• cage can accommodate two hundred •••••••. You can site a •••••• cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your •••••• fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. ••••••• never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your •••••• is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your •••••• is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck ••••••• and hoe ••••••• can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes. FEEDING YOUR ••••••. Your •••••• likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your •••••• will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other •••••••, etc. Experienced •••••• owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the •••••• cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all ••••••• have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all ••••••• steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his ••••••• as a result. You should never allow your •••••• meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a •••••• to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea. MAKING YOUR •••••• WORK. ••••••• are very, very averse to work of any kind. The ••••••'s most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your •••••• to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. ••••••• are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your •••••• into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your •••••• will then frantically compete with the other field ••••••• to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your •••••• to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your •••••• comes equipped with the standard •••••• IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. ••••••• can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your ••••••• can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades. ENTERTAINING YOUR ••••••. Your •••••• enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling •••••• works best. Games ••••••• enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your ••••••'s pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other ••••••• thrash it with a club or whip. Your •••••• will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the ••••••: ••••••• are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a ••••••. Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and ••••••• just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other ••••••• watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) •••••• dragging: Tie your •••••• by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your ••••••'s shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the ••••••, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the ••••••, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your •••••• out in the fields, thus saving work time. ••••••• enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the ••••••: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a ••••••, as they are highly toxic. DISPOSAL OF DEAD •••••••. ••••••• die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their ••••••• dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your ••••••. The police will collect the •••••• and dispose of it for you. COMMON PROBLEMS WITH ••••••• - MY •••••• IS VERY AGGRESIVE Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity ••••••? What are we, short of ••••••• or something? MY •••••• KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN They all do this. Shorten your ••••••'s chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.